System-vector psychology. Why don't I have children? How to beg a child from God? Why God Doesn't Give Children

Priest Sergiy Kruglov

- I loved him so much, I thought he was me. We signed, began to live together ... He had a rotational work, he left often. I did not forget, I sent SMS, funny and warm ... When I was told that where he goes, he has another, I did not believe: this simply cannot be. But a black doubt lodged inside ... And many facts, which I had not attached importance to before, began to take shape in a terrible picture: indeed, I changed it.

That evening, when I was sorting out the relationship with my husband, I still dream in nightmares. I sobbed, shouted: explain how it is, why ?! He jokingly denied it, then, apparently, realized that it was pointless to lie, he was silent, he only smiled wryly with his boyish, such a familiar smile, but his eyes became cold, bored. He turned around in the same silence and left. Forever and ever…

I went to church before, but then I prayed day and night, desperately, as if in a feverish delirium: Lord, help, save, save love! You know, I so clearly felt His mercy, His grace, I did not doubt that it would help. I painted pictures: the door would open - and the husband returned, fell at his feet, asks for forgiveness, and all the bad things are left behind, like a terrible dream ...

He didn’t come back. A few days later, I realized that I was pregnant. Why, why do I need this pregnancy, why everything in the world, when I asked to save love ?!

Seven months passed like hell, I even tried to drink pills, but my friend came to see me, prevented me. Seven months later, I was cured. Now I have a daughter. She is sick, cerebral palsy ... No, I love her, of course, for her sake and I live.

My husband never showed up, but now, probably, it is not necessary: the pain has somehow subsided, life has somehow improved, work, friends, church ... But I still cannot understand: I asked for one thing and was like that I am sure that God will give - but He gave something completely different, why so? .. She asked: keep your love! He seems to have kept it - but not at all the same and not the way I saw it.

Do not drink

- I was drinking heavily. Drunkenness spilled over into alcoholism, I understood that. And it was scary - to die a shameful death ... Then I prayed incessantly, every day on my knees I read the akathist to the Inexhaustible Chalice, I asked one thing: help me not to drink, take this passion away from me! It helped for a while, once I didn't drink for almost six months ... And then it all started again. I already began to despair: apparently, I am a completely lost sinner, since I cannot use the grace that God gives ... I lived like in hell, believe me, words cannot describe it.

And one day I came across a book, The Confessions of Blessed Augustine. Flipped through, then began to read. And I read the place where Augustine talks about his riotous youth, and how he asked God: take away my sinful passions from me, but ... just not now! It hit me as if on the head. After all, I do the same: do not drink - but inside I want something completely different ... Why - “different”? What do I need to be happy, what do I want from life in general, why do I live? ..

Now I feel: it’s not even about alcohol, it’s the tip of the iceberg, but what’s deep inside me, in unresolved problems, in search of meaning, in a word, in my heart ... I still pray, but there’s no tension in prayer, there is no fear of breaking. God is doing something to me, which I don’t know, but does something important ... I somehow reconciled myself to myself.

Heavy drinking? There are, at least less often, but there are still hard from them and I struggle with them, but, you know, somehow there is no former despair.

I think to myself: do not dictate to God what He should do, do not paint the desired pictures in your head - just endure yourself, try to adhere to the commandments yourself as much as you can, and leave God to God.

Remember, as in the parables of Solomon: "Grant me, son, your heart, but your eyes keep my ways."

He sees my heart, but I don't

I remember ... Any parish priest hears a lot of such stories. And not only stories, but just bewilderment: "Here I pray, I pray about this and that, and about solving problems, and getting rid of hateful sins, but nothing happens ..." And not only listens, but also on myself every day is experiencing.

Someone will interrupt right there and will hasten to say nothing, they say, oh, you, but also a priest, you don’t know the basics, you need to believe easier and stronger, not rely on your own desires, this is pride, but God knows better on the Providence of God, how to arrange our life. Yes Yes. I know. We, the Orthodox, were told this even in Sunday school, forced to learn it by heart ...

But this is what I think about - the heart. About the very depth of humanity.

You can change anything in yourself, outlook, habits, appearance, life, just beyond recognition. But try to change your heart, take out and transplant another ... It will not work. It is the very foundation of personality. For the most part, it is completely mysterious for the wearer himself, irreplaceable, irreplaceable, making me exactly - me, only me, that is, actually the one with whom God communicates directly, bypassing, sweeping aside any of my masks, any disguises that I so-and-so, but I made a fortune in life, I made it out of the best intentions and I carry the burden before God, before the world, before myself, because, unable to “be,” I decided to at least “look” ...

God - looks straight into my heart and sees it.

The problem is that He sees my heart, but I cannot.

Speaking about prayer, we often note that it is important not only to say something to God, but also to hear His answer. And for this you need to know not only God as He is - you need to know yourself as I am, this knowledge is equally important.

Get to know your real self, that is, hear yourself, your heart in prayer. And I do not know how to do this, yes, to be honest, I am very afraid of this ... That is why I speak with God in prayer on behalf of my next mask, verbalizing her desires before Him, drawing her plans, believing in a sincere delusion that this mask is me myself…

And He answers - not to a mask, but to myself, to the very depth of my personality. In response, I rush about, despair and lament: either God did not hear me, or for some reason, out of harm or in order to show His power, He does not give at all what I asked for! ..

"A man will come, and the heart is deep" ...

So deeply that the saints dedicated their whole lives to this knowledge of themselves, and achieved this knowledge through hard work and blood. We reached the depths of our hearts, overcoming the natural reflex in ourselves - to close our eyes in horror at what you will see in this heart, to close and “do it as it was”, to run away, to the outside ...

Remember the words of St. Tikhon of Zadonsk about the heart?

“This heart is the beginning and the root of all our deeds. For whatever we do internally or externally, we do it with our hearts: either good or evil. We believe in our hearts or we do not believe; love or hate in the heart; we humble ourselves or are proud of our hearts; we endure with our hearts or grumble; with our hearts we forgive or are angry; in our hearts we are reconciled or at enmity; we turn to God with our hearts or turn away; with our hearts we draw near, we come to God, or we leave and move away; we bless or swear with our hearts; in the heart there is joy or sorrow, hope or despair, repentance or an unrepentant life, fear or boldness; simplicity or slyness in the heart; the heart sighs, prays, trusts, or does the opposite, and so on. Therefore, what is not in the heart is essentially not there. Faith is not faith, love is not love, if they are not in the heart, but only hypocrisy; humility is not humility, but pretense, if not in the heart; friendship is not friendship, but bitter enmity, if it only appears outwardly, but does not have a place in the heart. Therefore, God requires from us our hearts: Give Mi, son, your heart».

When they get married and get married, young people dream and hope that the Lord will bless their family with children. But years, five, ten years pass ... and the long-awaited pregnancy does not come. How to be in such a situation? What should I do? It is clear that, first of all, to pray for children, but is it necessary to do something else, whether it is necessary to seek help from modern medicine? And are all medical technologies that have become recent times very popular, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), acceptable to the Orthodox? The pastors of the Russian Church answer.

The main thing for a Christian is a righteous life

We are not told that in the case of a childless union, it is necessary "to do something." As a natural consequence of the carnal intimacy of spouses, they bring worries and joys, plans and disappointments, sacrificial service and consolations into their lives mutual love... However, the main business of our life - gaining eternal salvation - does not essentially depend on the presence or absence of children, which means that, with all human dispositions towards their birth, the main feeling should remain trust in the Providence of God, in the jurisdiction of which all our earthly ones, who do not depend on us, remain. circumstances.

Many holy people were not born immediately and from elderly parents. In this case, they prayed to God and were literally prayed children; at the same time, the passion of youth was not transmitted to those born from elderly parents.

In vitro fertilization technologies - a brutal invasion of the sacrament of childbirth

If God does not give a family children, one must hope, not despair, wait patiently. Today, many people are not very healthy, and therefore it happens that even after several years of marriage, there are no children. We must pray and fast. Pray to the righteous Joachim and Anna, Peter and Fevronia. Make pilgrimage trips - to or to other places.

The long absence of children from spouses is a test of their feelings, a test of how much they love each other.

The long absence of children from spouses is a test of their feelings, a test of how much they love each other, because when a person is easy, everything is given to him for free, he does not appreciate it too much. And when people are connected by some kind of common misfortune, they become closer to each other, begin to love each other especially sensitively, having overcome this misfortune.

As for IVF, which is being marketed as an infertility treatment. Artificial insemination is a crude intrusion into the sacrament of conception, into the sacrament of childbirth. And we know that the Council of Bishops in 2000 prohibited Orthodox Christians from resorting to this technology, although some slyly see this prohibition as an opportunity to resort to some kind of artificial conception. But in the decisions of the Council it is clearly stated that from the Orthodox point of view, all types of in vitro fertilization, involving the preparation, conservation and subsequent destruction of embryos, are unacceptable. With artificial insemination, the destruction of embryos always occurs - that is, they are killed.

Let me briefly remind you of the essence of this technology. In a woman, superovulation is stimulated in order to receive a large number of eggs at once, sometimes even up to 20; the best of them are chosen, fertilized with the husband's seed and placed in a special incubator for several days. Then some (always several) are transplanted into the uterus, others are frozen, they can later be used by the same married couple and others. Such is the conveyor belt for the production of children. And a lot of money is spinning here: one attempt with all the accompanying procedures costs at least 150 thousand rubles in Moscow. And, for example, people came to me who made 10-15 attempts. And to no avail. Because IVF does not give 100% results! This is a business on human grief, not any fertility treatment.

With artificial insemination, the destruction of embryos always occurs - that is, they are killed

Now let's ask ourselves a question: what happens if all the embryos transplanted into the uterus begin to develop? After all, several of them are introduced at once, so that there is a greater likelihood of their engraftment, because not all of them take root ... What happens when a few take root? "Extra" embryos are reduced, that is, they are removed surgically - abortions are performed. So with IVF, fertilized embryos are destroyed, which are already babies with a soul. And it turns out that a person who goes to IVF goes to abortion.

There is such a sly trick: in some medical centers "IVF for believers" is offered. It is proposed not to plant a few embryos, and then remove some of them, but to do a gentle superovulation, get a small number of embryos and plant them. But this does not change the essence of the matter.

A person who goes to IVF essentially goes to abortion

IVF technology is completely godless. A person takes on the function of the Lord God, interferes with what should mysteriously happen in the mother's body.

Another question: why do fertilized embryos have to develop for several days in an incubator? Here's why. To find out if there are any pathologies, mainly genetic. And there is an order signed by the Minister of Health, according to which in case of danger of the development of pathologies, the embryo should not be transplanted. Such an embryo is killed.

I'm not even talking about the fact that with IVF there are much more miscarriages, much more missed pregnancies. And much more premature babies are born.

Unfortunately, statistical research There is very little about the health of children born with IVF. Why? Because this is a business, a corporate conspiracy. The data is there, but they were not disclosed. But something is becoming known. So, Academician Altukhov, a famous geneticist, orthodox person, testifies: almost 20% of IVF children have mental pathologies.

Another problem: in nature, when an egg enters the mother's uterus, it is met by a million sperm, but only one is attached - the "strongest", so to speak. But IVF can be done even with a very weak husband's seed. And if the seed is not very good quality what kind of children will be?

So the Orthodox way is this: pray, wait. And if the Lord does not send the child, to act as they have done for centuries in Russia and in other countries, - to take an orphan child or from orphanage.

We must accept the Providence of God

There are secrets of Divine concern for people, they are incomprehensible. When Rachel, the wife of Patriarch Jacob, who had no offspring, reproached her spouse: "Give me children, and if not, I am dying," Jacob replied: "Am I God, who did not give you the fruit of the womb?" (Genesis 30: 1-2).

If the Lord does not give children, then first of all it is necessary to turn to Him. Children were often served after earnest prayers, fasts, and alms. The Lord tests the parents, whether they are ready to accept the child precisely as a gift from God, and not as a product of the latest medical technologies.

Among Russian women who are unable to conceive a child, 70% suffered from an abortion

Of course, there are many shades in the raised topic. Sometimes - the result of the sins of youthful parents. One of the statistics says that among Russian women who are unable to conceive a child, 70% suffered from an abortion. Certain types of contraception are also detrimental to childbirth. In such cases, a person himself has deprived himself of the opportunity to bear children. It turns out such an absurdity - at first a person does everything possible so that he does not have children, and then he is ready to turn to anything, for example, surrogate motherhood, just to get a child. Such people need, first of all, repentance, remove from themselves the sinful causes of sterility, and then as the Lord will give.

Sometimes the situation is different: the spouses tried to live according to the commandments of God, but for health reasons they cannot conceive. In such situations, it is necessary, of course, to be treated, to try possible natural remedies, but to entrust the final result in the hands of God.

In general, each case is different. From a little pastoral practice, I can say that a confessor often sees that it is more useful for such a particular person to be alone than to have a child, but it would be better for another to have babies and completely dissolve in sacrificial care for them. Someone cannot take a child from an orphanage in any way, because they lack patience and elementary affection and love. And for someone, an adopted stranger's child becomes so dear that such a family is overshadowed by the blessing of God and reigns in it home comfort... I even observed situations when women who did not have a family took children from an orphanage, and not one, but two at once - a brother and a sister, and these women became wonderful mothers. Of course, the absence of a father affects, but these children have a mother, and this is already joy and happiness.

I will tell the story of one of my acquaintances. Her name is Evgenia. She married at 25 and had no children for five years. I went to doctors, went to the family planning center, which was literally overcrowded with women suffering from infertility. Evgenia saw that often the search for a diagnosis and treatment entail a huge waste of funds, and as a result, nothing happens, and then the doctors offer IVF. After getting acquainted with the IVF method, she realized that she could not resort to this, a protest arose inside, although she was not yet a church person. The fact is that IVF is a gross manipulation of human life: embryos are harvested, preserved, and excess ones are simply destroyed, that is, the same abortion occurs. Eugenia learned that there are times when, after prolonged infertility, someone received miraculous healing in the temple. So she came to the idea that only God gives children. Through her sterility, Evgenia came to faith, and her husband was also baptized. She herself confessed and received the Holy Communion. I read the canons of repentance, prayers for children.

After the holy spring, she had a dream: she is carrying a basket in which a child lies

Once she found out about the Borovsky Monastery, which has a baptismal font, and many said that if you plunge there, your illnesses go away. When she and her husband made the pilgrimage and managed to plunge, two weeks later she already had a positive pregnancy test. Before that, I could not get pregnant for five years! And after the holy spring she had a dream: she was carrying a basket with a child in it; she asks: "What is your name?" - he replied: "Daniel." And she was told during examinations and ultrasound that she would have a girl. But a boy was born, and he was named Daniel.

When Daniel was already going to Kindergarten, she once felt bad, bleeding opened. It turned out that she was pregnant but had a miscarriage. The doctors talked about the complication and the need for some kind of operation, they said that now they will definitely never give birth, except through IVF. Evgenia went to her confessor, who, having prayed, said: "I think that it is not necessary to do the operation, but I am blessing you on your daughter." Exactly one month later, she became pregnant - the doctors were in shock. Indeed, a daughter was born, and they named her Anastasia. Evgenia herself firmly understood that children are from God, which means that one must turn to God first of all.

In general, any deed is only truly good when it is consistent with the will of God. And the will of God is not determined as quickly as we would like. If the spouses zealously turn to the Lord in their prayers, will coordinate their desires with the confessor, the will of God will still be revealed to them, and then it will be clear what is right for them: to expect miraculous grace-filled help, to undergo treatment, or to take a child from an orphanage into the family. ...

You cannot be guided by emotions alone, you need prudence and prudence

Of course, the absence of children in the family is a reason to start more seriously and soberly Christian life and pray especially for the gift of children. Here patience needs to be shown a lot, and it happens that the Lord rewards for this patience and constancy in good deeds, so that children will be born into a family even after three, five or more years of "sterility." This is great joy and great mercy! And parents who conceived and gave birth to a child in such difficult circumstances truly know the high value and meaning of fatherhood and motherhood. If only they do not “stop there” and turn their valuable child into some kind of idol, an idol around which the whole world revolves. This should not be, and it can even be called a crime against God, because the Lord does not give a child in order to raise an egoist out of him, who is used to thinking that he is the navel of the earth and something completely special in comparison with all the rest ". That is why it would be nice if the family had many children ...

To resort to medical care you can: the Lord also created doctors and this profession exists for our benefit

But if there are no children and no, even despite the obvious efforts in keeping piety and prayer, there always comes a moment when the family asks the question: where is the “line of expectation”? And in what? Should we live on, completely and humbly relying on the Lord, or adopt children, or should we seek medical help? I think, firstly, everything should be done with reasoning and spiritually, that is, with prayer and advice with a family confessor, again because people are different and circumstances. Someone, perhaps, needs to show special humility with patience (their faith allows them to do just that), for someone it will be right and good to go to doctors, undergo an examination and resort to their help with reasoning, because the Lord also created doctors and this profession exists for our benefit, it is not a sin to resort to the help of doctors. But this is precisely where reasoning is needed, because we know that some modern methods“Reproduction” is contrary to God's commandments. So here you have to be careful not to overstep the line of what is permissible.

And for some families, in accordance with their location and well-being, perhaps, a path opens up for the adoption of those unfortunate children who are deprived of paternal and maternal warmth and care. And we know families where there is not one such adopted children, but several, and they, together with foster parents, make up a real big family. This, of course, is God's work, blessed, but even here prudence and prudence are needed so as not to be guided by emotions alone, which are often transient, remembering that the decision to adopt is a great responsibility, so that “stepping back” will then be akin to the sin of betrayal. May the Lord keep from this! Therefore, here, too, you need to consult with your confessor, pray hard and soberly assess your strengths and capabilities.

Do everything only with the help and blessing of God

“Put on the whole armor of God” (Eph. 6: 11), the Apostle Paul tells us. Hope and wait patiently, pray and fast (but only taking the priest's blessing). And, of course, you can take a child from an orphanage. “And whoever receives one such child in my name, he receives me” (Matthew 18: 5), the Lord tells us. But to do artificial insemination is not worth it, because it is contrary to nature. The Lord gave us another, natural way conception and childbirth, the one that is best for us.

There is no need to speed things up. After all, everything good, and, of course, children, God gives us. And gives us in good time

And there is still no need to accelerate events by doing artificial insemination, because this is an interference with Divine Providence. After all, everything good, and, of course, children, God gives us. And he gives us everything in good time. That is, when it is needed, when it is best. Because of our sinfulness and willfulness, we often do not want to understand and accept. And so, in a hurry, we try to do what the Lord is doing. And we always get incomparably worse than God. After all, our Heavenly Father is holy and infallible, but we are weak, blind and sinful.

Therefore, you do not have to do anything yourself, but only with the help and blessing of God, which are most often and mainly taught in the Church, including through priests.

The prophet Abraham and Sarah also did not have children for a long time, and God gave them a son - the righteous prophet Isaac. Moreover, at an age when it is already physiologically impossible to have children. Likewise, among the righteous Godfather Joachim and Anna, the Most Holy Theotokos was born - "The most honest Cherubim and the most glorious without comparison Seraphim", as the Holy Church sings to Her. And the righteous Zechariah and Elizabeth gave birth to John the Baptist. “Truly I say to you, of those born of wives, no greater one rose up than John the Baptist” (Matthew 11:11), the Lord tells us. And all because they all their lives lived according to the will of God, the holy will of God always put above their human will and their human desires.

And we must strive to do the same. And then future saints will be born to us, and we will live in holiness and see many miracles from the Lord. And we will see the main miracle - that God is infinite, all-perfect, merciful, crucifying Himself and saving us Love. Leading us into eternal and endless joy in the Kingdom of Heaven with all the saints who have pleased God from time immemorial. Amen.

If the Lord does not give children, of course, it is necessary to turn to Him with fervent prayer. And the Church knows many examples when, in answer to prayers, God gave a blessing and a child was conceived.

If there are no children in the marriage and the marriage is unmarried, it is necessary to get married. In all the prayers of the Sacrament of the wedding, the Lord is asked for the grace and grace of raising children.

Experience shows that a pilgrimage trip to one of the saints of God will not be superfluous. But just so it’s not like this: "We will go to Matronushka, we will pray, and when the child is born, we will forget the road to the church." There is also a temptation here. If we turn to the Lord, then the prayer should look something like this: "Lord, grant a child by your mercy, and we will devote our lives to You, and the child will be brought up in Orthodoxy." And if in this way the thinking of people is built, the Lord, of course, will give His grace.

When we were preparing one of the materials about having many children, we once again remembered the well-known proverb: "If God gives a child, then he also gives to a child." And they thought: although it is a popular, and therefore centuries-proven wisdom, can we use it as an argument in a conversation about having many children? Maybe everything is completely different and in large families the living wage is observed only by the most severe economy?

And then we decided to ask Internet users visiting Orthodox family communities on LiveJournal - is this so? Below are their reviews.

Dear readers, write to us in the comments and about your experience!

Yuri: When we in the States were going to give birth to a son, at my faculty they looked at us like crazy: the postgraduate scholarship with sadistic precision is balanced for one person, it is already difficult to live with a wife dependent on her, and even with a child it is generally impossible. And there is no possibility of part-time work - it is strictly prohibited with student immigration status, and the university itself carefully controls this prohibition. Not forgetting to also control the purchase of not the cheapest medical insurance for dependents, which covered only about 2/3 of the also very expensive cost of childbirth ... And all these costs, not counting the "usual" costs for a child: a crib, a pram, diapers, moving to a warmer and more decent apartment. To an outside observer, the matter seemed hopeless.

However, we managed somehow - we took out loans, paid the hospital for childbirth in installments, fought for every dollar with insurers, bought a lot on hand and in second hand, issued state benefits for housing and insurance (hiding from the university, which for foreigners such things did not encourage, although from the side of the law everything was fair). Of course, it was hard, sometimes it seemed that it was simply unbearable. However, they managed and everyone saw that having a child while studying in an American graduate school is quite feasible. This was the beginning of the local faculty "baby boom": a year after the birth of Petka, children appeared in 3 more graduate student couples.

Elena, Yuri's wife: To what Yura said, we can add that we began our American part of life with a damp one-room basement, in which there were terrible drafts in the walls, pipes flowed from the ceiling in a slow trickle, in the rain the floor covered with carpet turned into a swamp, and mushrooms grew on the walls at such a speed that we did not have time to clean them off.

We did not know how to drive a car, and there was no money for it.

On top of all this, I had a terrible toxicosis; such that during the first one and a half months I could not leave the house.

When we went to the university clinic to ask for advice on what to do, they silently handed us a telephone directory, without any comment.

Now Petrunich is almost 6. And we live in a three-story house with a front garden. Petya speaks two languages and teaches a third.

Praise the Lord for everything we went through! It really strengthened and thanks to this path we met a lot of wonderful people!

Vadim: It was so with me. True, money really appeared a little earlier - about six months after marriage. You can say money, work, then education, etc. "They fell from the sky." Before that, I was unemployed.

By the way - I was then, in general, an unbeliever and received the faith ten years later.

Ulyana: And with us it was like this: the first was born, my husband had a crisis at work and he stopped receiving a salary. This lasted 7 months. Then we started to get out of it, but I had to go to work. Then after 2.5 years the second was born. Again my husband has a crisis at work. I went to work again. And when the youngest was a little over a year old, her husband fell ill with cancer. So it's good that I didn't quit my job. Now I seem to have recovered, but we live under the sword of Damocles.

Now there seems to be a lot of money, and everything is there, but there will be no more children. Third, if I hadn’t given birth then, as God gives children, but would have decided to wait until we have an apartment, dacha, money, etc., then we would have no children at all.

Elizabeth: With us, no matter how old, it was so. True, with reservations - i.e. not that we have begun to live much better and easier, but in proportion to the number of family members, income has also increased. Those. everything is back to back, as it was, but for the main thing (food, payment for all kinds of utilities and garden sections) is enough. With clothes (especially for adults) it is already more complicated, but these are trifles.

Our first daughter was born 2 months after the default, we had nothing for the child, but everything appeared. True used, old, but all that is needed. When the second was born, my dad's work more or less stabilized. And when the third - he was fired, and we were out of work for a month. But then, dad got a stable job.

In short, if we specifically compare - now we live better than when we had one child. I'm not sure if this is directly related to the birth of children. Perhaps this is due to our growing up, which is called “getting on our feet” :)) At the same time, we definitely do not have the opportunity to support our parents.

Elizabeth: We had it so that before the birth of the child, me (student) and my husband (graduate student) were invited on a business trip for unusually high money to a university in the states (for my previous merits at the same university in a previous business trip and some incredibly kind attitude towards me ). Therefore, we managed to save some money in order not to live in poverty at all, however, I worked as a chemist being pregnant from 3 to 7 months, but it’s easier there.

We were given a lot of worn-out children's clothes for free.

But it is still difficult to make ends meet - it does not work without the help of parents. They help us VERY financially, because everything is very expensive in Moscow, and I can't work. But - the husband was also unexpectedly lucky. He found a part-time job in the laboratory, where he is a graduate student. However, although it sounds proud, we spend more than his salary on groceries.

Olga: During my pregnancy, my husband changed jobs.
things in a large number left to me from my nephew and girlfriends.
The housing issue, albeit temporarily, was resolved.

Ksenia: Well, I wouldn't see an automatic dependency here. Rather, the principle “fear has big eyes” or “fear eyes, but hands do” works. When faced with a choice or a new one important fact, the consequences of this seem to be catastrophic. And then life goes on, you get used to the fact, the right choice gives a feeling of confidence, and somehow everything turns out to be not so difficult and scary, new configurations and options appear that help to cope and which were not looked through in advance. There are, of course, and it is obvious wonderful stories, but to think that it will be so in every case is naive.

Maria: I am the eldest of five parents, so I have something to say. I cannot say that with the birth of each next one, the situation has improved. But everyone was always full and dressed / shod. And not so much the father received enough money, how many people helped with clothes, food ... There were very difficult moments, but somehow everything always worked out, or we came up with something. Of course, in comparison with small families, we had much less: used clothes, food without pickles, younger brother I haven’t seen the sea yet, the elders saw only thanks to relatives, etc. But there was always mutual support and love, which helped to overcome all hardships and lack of something.

Tatiana: There will be a bunny - there will be a lawn. Before my pregnancy, we lived more or less in prosperity, but by the time of birth, everything coincided so badly that the first year and a half literally counted a penny. And then suddenly, somehow by itself, everything straightened out.

Valentine: Absolutely confirmed with each of the three children!
Especially with the third. When I got pregnant, my health was bad - four months before the start of pregnancy, I had a microstroke. I was saved by the fact that a month after it I stopped taking pills and started training, because I was already in good shape for pregnancy.
The material condition of the family was simply catastrophic. There was not enough money for food and there were monstrous debts.

I dreamed of a third child and was happy and cloudless. I had a reinforced concrete confidence that the Lord would not leave. The spouse spent all nine months trying to figure out how we would survive.

I gave birth in September. By May, the main debts were distributed, and there was enough money even for cakes.

Moreover, sparkling miracles did not happen. We were not given a lot of money, we did not find the treasure. But the salary to her husband began to be paid regularly and more. And then they even offered another job with a promotion, which suited him in all respects. On the recommendation of my (very few during pregnancy) private students, such a crowd of people came running that from October to May I worked seven days a week, and the last student left at 21.30. Accordingly, I made good money.

At the same time, they managed to communicate with children (although less than we would like) and to go to competitions.
Now I also cannot agree that I do not have time for anything except work and children. For example, I have time to train 3-4 times a week and run marathons (when there is snow). I need it to be "in good shape", otherwise I get depressed from fatigue. Older children help me a lot. Well, money appeared for a nanny.

True, I worry all the time that I don’t devote more time to children, I don’t give them something all the time. But I try as much as possible, and then - how it goes.
For me, this truth “If God gives a child, then he also gives to a child” is obvious. And tested three times. Moreover, He gives not only material opportunity, but also health and strength to parents. Also checked on myself.

Olga: There was no such thing. But there were no serious problems either, as we have always lived - there was enough for life, there were no excesses - this is how we live.

Yuliya: With the first child, we both worked in state institutions: there was enough money only for the simplest stroller; she sewed diaper-undershirts herself; The broken bed was given to us "for so" at the children's fair. Apparently, this prompted my father to look for another job. By the time the child was one year old, they had already bought a used car.

With the second, dad already had a normal job. The car was changed to a new one. We were able to buy everything we needed.
With the third, we will buy a house in the village ...

So, indeed, material problems are being solved. Not on your own, of course, but without any particular difficulties.

As for the costs of the children themselves, they decrease with each person, because you know what is really needed and what is not (the same doctors and examinations). All material remains from the brothers and sisters.

Faith: We vivid example a sharp increase in well-being with every child.

True, we did not start from scratch, we immediately had our own one-room apartment, but nothing else. That is, the husband worked in the state. institution, 7 months after the wedding I went on maternity leave and we lived on very little money, we only came out with the help of our parents. Everything on the child was used, the stroller was creepy, etc.

With our second child, we got a car, repaired the house in the country house, built a second floor (there used to be an old ramshackle house with one room for 7 people), made there a sewer system, a shower, a toilet in the house, a washing machine, in general, all the amenities.
With our third child, we (literally now) got the opportunity to buy three-room apartment at cost. This, of course, will require effort, but quite real.

We didn’t put in any special work, our relatives did more work.

But in general it is obvious that all this is God's help.
But over time, yes, everything is very difficult. He is not at all, and there is not enough strength for children either. The feeling that children are being torn apart and howling for a place in the sun and for parental attention.

Helena: When I got pregnant, I worked for a publication where the salary was completely ridiculous. My husband also worked there. They were evicted from the rented room - in general, it was not very fun.

Nothing, everything was settled with God's help... The husband's salary was raised, the apartment was rented to us by the neighbors of the mother-in-law for minimal money. The governor's allowance was given - 20 thousand, it seems, according to the map. When the child was about a year old, they began to turn up opportunities for me to earn extra money. Then a permanent job appeared with a decent salary. The husband moved to another job - also with a salary increase. Etc…

Time is more complicated. It was completely unclear who would stay with the child if I started working. But - first they found a very nice nanny. Then a friend helped me find a good kindergarten. And at work - first at one, then at the other - the bosses met halfway and allowed to work not from 10 to 18, but from 9 to 17. In the meantime, I managed to recover at the University, I almost finished my studies.

I can tell you more about my girlfriend.

She was such a ... militant atheist always. And then a man appeared who slowly led her to faith. I will not say anything about the moral character of this Orthodox man, who disappeared from sight as soon as he learned that Tatyana was pregnant.

And she - went to church, prayed, received communion. And she saved the child, in spite of the fact that the doctors predicted to her that she could not stand her little girl anyway - Tatyana herself had a bad heredity; that the child will be born sick - dad had radiation exposure, there was something wrong with the composition of the blood; that not only did she not have a place to live, but even a St. Petersburg residence permit; that the salary is below the subsistence level ...

Endured, gave birth, were found kind people- helped with work and temporary housing. I bought a residence permit. She named her daughter Vera. Wonderful girl, yesterday turned 4 years old. Mom came to Tatiana from another city - they will live together, they are going to buy their own housing.

For statistics, another friend of mine. Roughly the same story - no registration, no citizenship, no work. Daddy escaped in an unknown direction. She got pregnant - a job appeared, rented a house, made repairs. Gave birth - found a nanny, she, together with Lena and her Zhenya - the same age and best friend my treasure - has been living for the fifth year. Even if difficulties appeared, everything was solved with God's help. I was evicted from one rented apartment - I found another, even better, then there was an opportunity to buy on credit. I had to quit my job - a week later I was offered a new one, with a salary almost an order of magnitude higher.

Thank God for everything! :)

Kira: My husband was very sick when I was waiting for the second (second!). The lack of enlightenment ended before the birth of my daughter, otherwise I was thin as a bicycle; for a long time the relatives did not know anything, there was no hope for their help, so we hid it so as not to endure reproaches and misunderstandings. Now my husband is general manager firm, and therefore I am a general :) We are renting an apartment, though we are still renting it, but this does not oppress us at all, how many we have gone through together - we know in Whom to rely on ...

Ksenia: I can’t boast of welfare. As she began to live to a minimum, and now it is close. Thank God my husband works hard and, even with a delay, he gets paid. When my mother was alive, I worked part-time. Now it is almost impossible to get out at home. His parents do not help, in any way.
Can you live better? Of course! All family members would have a burning desire. But you can't jump over your head.
They say quite rightly that when you want to get married, look carefully at the family of your future half and, preferably, take off your rose-colored glasses.

Tatiana: Truth. Not that quite by itself, but somehow it was decided. Either suddenly, one of the virtues gave money, then the husband found a new, more money work... The Lord is always helping.

My friend had such a case that her husband had to bring her and her children money - at home, well, there was not a penny at all, but his salary was delayed, and there was no one to borrow from. So he found twenty dollars on the street - and somehow they survived.

Victoria: When I got married, I was very afraid that we would live in poverty ... My husband worked as a driver and received 550 dollars, plus the unknown about a broken company car: Will the boss hang the debt for it, won't he hang it?

She said to my father: “I’m afraid to marry him, that the child will not get fruit.”

And he answered: "And where did you get the idea that the Lord will send you a child?"

“Well, yes,” I thought, and calmed down.

2 weeks after marriage, I realized that I was pregnant.
The husband is fired from his job. I am as calm as ever. Friends of an acquaintance offer to work in computer assistance- my husband has a hobby - a computer. So he began to travel on orders, and right before giving birth, they invited him to one company as a visiting administrator, put a salary, formalized for labor, so that you can take a loan.
If money is strained, I ask God for help, my husband immediately receives a large order.

Families who ask the Lord for a child and long time cannot conceive, they are gradually filled with disappointment and bitterness, the question “Why does the Lord not give children to a woman?” is increasingly heard. How to accept and understand God's providence? Is it possible to find strength after constant failures to trust Him further? Is there a way out of this situation?

Possible reasons

Why doesn't the Lord give a child to a woman? No one knows for sure the answer, and there is no single correct answer to this difficult, dreary question. Everything is in the hands of the Lord and His Will is not ours, therefore all the answers are hidden with Him, but not always a person should furiously seek them.

What if God doesn't give children?

What are the possible causes of infertility in women? Without taking into account medical indications, a small list can be made:

As a test of faith and patience, some families could not come to terms with the absence of children for a long time, but even when their souls were filled with complete humility before the Lord and accepting His will, He sent them a baby.
For churching - some women who are given infertility seek solutions in the church, thereby saving their souls and their husbands. There are many testimonies of how people who became churched and became true Orthodox soon became parents.
The consequence of an abortion - murder (and this is exactly what an abortion is) is severely punished by the Lord and often women who have committed punishments with infertility. Children must be received when the Lord sends them, and not when the person has decided;
The consequence of the sinful youth of parents - promiscuous sex, adultery, some types of contraception have a detrimental effect on a woman's reproductive abilities. Such people should first of all repent before the Lord and only then pray to Him for mercy and posterity.

Each case is individual, in any case, a woman (and her husband must) should think about why the Lord does not send them offspring.

Perhaps you need to repent of something, maybe you need to confess a secret sin, or maybe you need to do your part - be examined by a doctor and solve problems, if any.

The ways of the Lord are inscrutable and sometimes He does not give birth to children so that the family would serve someone's abandoned child and adopt him. And the Lord does not allow someone to have children at all because of selfishness and selfishness.

Everyone must find their own answer.

About the birth and upbringing of children:

Church and modern ways of dealing with infertility

Modern technology allows even women who long years could not get pregnant, finally become a mother. What does the Church say about the application of these methods?

To begin with, it should be clarified that all medications that contribute to the restoration of the reproductive function of the body are allowed and welcomed by the Church, as safe way improve health and fulfill the human part. Therefore, the following methods are allowed:

medical examinations;
the use of hormonal drugs;
tracking menstrual cycles;
use of appropriate medications.

But here are prohibited by the Council of Bishops in 2000:

surrogacy.

Church Opinion on IVF

Why is IVF prohibited? Because this is a gross intrusion into the sacrament of conception and the incidental murder of children. The decision of the Council forbade Orthodox believers to use all varieties of this procedure.

Eco is done in the following way: superovulation is stimulated, which makes it possible to obtain a large number of eggs, the best of them are selected and fertilized with the husband's seed. Then the fertilized cells are placed in a special incubator, where they mature, in order to be later partially transplanted into the uterus, and partially frozen.

Important! There is no guarantee that a miscarriage will not occur, but destruction or killing of embryos always occurs during the procedure. Therefore, the Church strictly prohibits these procedures.

Answers from the priests

Many priests agree in one opinion - that it is necessary to accept God's providence with humility.

For example, Elder Paisiy Svyatorets said that God sometimes deliberately hesitates in order to further fulfill His plan for the salvation of people. This can be seen in many stories in the Bible - Abraham and Sarah, Joachim and Elizabeth, Saint Anna, Elizabeth and Zechariah. The birth of children depends on God in the first place, but also on man. And it is necessary to do everything possible so that God gives a child, but if He hesitates, there is a reason for this and we must accept it. Peter and Fevronia, as well as making pilgrimage trips to holy places. He says that the long absence of children is a test of their feelings.

Priest Valery Dukhanin advises not to strive to comprehend all the secrets of Divine concern for people. Children are God's gift, given according to His will and Providence. You must accept them with humility. He gives some examples that show that sometimes God closes a woman's womb for the good of spouses and one must be able to accept this good.

What if you can't have a baby? About the talent of childlessness

Why doesn't God give children?

Recently, there are more and more childless families. Why? This question is answered by the rector of the Trinity Cathedral in the city of Yakhroma, Moscow Region, Priest Maxim Brusov.

- Father, do you have children?
-Three. Bye. Two boys and a girl.
- Now there are more and more families where they want but cannot become parents. What advice would you give them?
- First, do not give up hope. Secondly, do not sit back and act.
- How to proceed?
- It is clear that first of all it is necessary to understand the medical aspect of the problem, while not forgetting about the spiritual side. There can be many reasons for spouses' childlessness - both medical and moral. It often happens that the reason is the “mistake of youth” - abortion, which, like a barrier, blocks a woman's path to motherhood.
V human body after all, everything is interconnected: both bodily health and spiritual health. If a woman who had an abortion still has not repented of it, her position in life is unstable and dangerous. According to the psalmist David, children are “an inheritance from the Lord; His reward is the fruit of the womb. " And having got rid of the child, the woman oversteps a certain line.
- So, childlessness is a punishment for abortion?
- The Lord never punishes, we punish ourselves. It is not God who moves away from man, but we move away from God. The Lord is very patient, waiting for a long time from us sincere repentance for our sins. Those who could understand this are wise. And those who still do not understand are short-sighted.
I know a woman who has wanted to get pregnant for many years. But there was a sin behind her. And she decides to take the baby from the Orphanage. While the documents were being drawn up, while this and that, they finally brought the child, they rejoice, they bother. A few months later, she found out that she was pregnant. See how wise the Lord is? And he arranged the life of an unfortunate orphan, and thanked the spouses for a good deed.
I think that if a husband or wife is incapable of conceiving a child, and therapeutic and surgical methods of treating infertility do not help, they need to humbly accept their childlessness as a special life order. And you can try to adopt a child, of course, only by mutual consent of both.
- But not everyone can decide on such a crucial step.
- Of course, not all. And it's good that not all. Foster children require a heroic deed, and only very decisive people are ready for a heroic deed.
Many men and women are brought to God by this misfortune - sterility. Again, how not to be surprised at God's wisdom? After all, everything would be fine in their families, would they come to church? What for? And in such trouble they often remember about God. They begin to think about their life for the first time in their lives, come to the temple.
A young parishioner once approached me. The son got married, but there have been no children for three years. Asks how she can help her son and daughter-in-law. I suggested that she read the Akathist of Kazan for 40 days Mother of God... At first she was embarrassed - a business woman, Chief Accountant a solid company. But she made up her mind. As she later said, she reduced conversations with her friends to a minimum, did not turn on the TV. I read for exactly 40 days.
What do you think? Soon a solemn and happy came - we are waiting for twins! Now they are already three years old - Nikolay and Sergey. You see, this woman did not mope, did not blame God, began to work ... And most importantly, she believed that her work would bear good fruit.
- Father Maxim, but there are families where they do not want to have a child, but he is born, while others do, but God does not give. Why?
- Do not look back at others. You need to live your own life, because you will have to answer before God for your own deeds, and not for others. At the same time, it is worth accepting and understanding with all your heart the words of St. John Chrysostom: "He who has learned to thank God for his illnesses is not far from holiness."
This does not mean that the doctor or patient should not exert efforts to fight the disease. But when human means have been exhausted, a Christian should remember that the power of God is perfected in human weakness and that in the depths of his suffering he is able to meet Christ, who took upon Himself our weaknesses and diseases.
In any case, you need to treat the situation with confidence. Do not bang your head against the wall, but wait. And work hard.
- Father Maxim, I know, in the Trinity Cathedral, where you are the rector, there is an amazing icon ...
- Do you mean the image of St. Simeon the Athonite? By the way, good example how to work. On the holy Mount Athos in the Khilandar monastery grows vine planted in the 12th century by Saint Simeon himself. Surprisingly, it still bears fruit and works wonders. People from all over the world write to this monastery, asking for help with infertility. Monks send those asking three dried grapes and a small branch of the vine, plus a rule of how to receive this shrine and pray.
One married couple, our parishioners, received a letter from Athos with this shrine. We did everything as it is written in the “instructions” and begged our daughter. In gratitude to Saint Simeon, they ordered a large icon of him, the very shrine -
a twig of a vine - inserted into the icon. Now people come to us from everywhere to pray at this icon.
- And who else can you pray for the gift of children?
- Of course, to righteous Joachim and Anna, parents blessed virgin... After all, they were childless for a very long time, but they trusted in God. Elder Paisius Svyatorets calls these saints the most dispassionate married couple. In his book “ Family life"This is what it says:" Thought tells me that Christ would have come to earth earlier if a pure, chaste married couple, like Saints Joachim and Anna, had appeared on earth earlier. " They were not worried, not nervous, they were waiting.
And the parents of St. John the Baptist, the prophet Zechariah and Elizabeth, also had no children until old age. And they did not grumble either, they believed. They also need to pray. So there are many assistants. The main thing is to train yourself to live a full spiritual life.
- But among believers who go to church and observe fasting, there are childless people, what are they doing wrong?
- I know a person who himself deliberately refused to create a family just because he loves children very much. Paradox? How to count. This man is the head of one of the famous orphanages in Khabarovsk. His name is Alexander Gennadievich Petrynin. Believe it or not, he has over 900 godchildren. For each of them he prays, worries.
Aren't they his children? Will he not answer for them before God? Throughout his life, this person serves the Lord through other people's children. There are few such people capable of real, sacrificial love.
Imagine if he got married, had two or three children. And these abandoned orphans with living parents - with them, what would have happened? And so they are under supervision. Alexander Gennadievich brings them up in faith, takes them to church, and gives them communion.
Or take the monks, for example. God did not give them children. You could say that. But He put them on the most important ministry - to prayer. And they pray that God will bring our children to understanding, that God will give children to those who do not have them. Athonite monks are sending out pieces of vine all over the world so that women know the joy of motherhood, and men realize themselves as fathers. So God does not give children for so many reasons.
- Father Maxim, what would you advise our readers?
- Facing such a problem as infertility, everyone orthodox christian must rely on the all-good will of God. And remember that the meaning of our life is not limited only to this earthly life. Our earthly life is only a preparation for eternal life. Do not forget that God was pleased to make suffering a means of salvation and purification. It can be effective for anyone who experiences it with humility.
I can also advise you to wait - but actively. Why, for example, childless couples do not help the nearest orphanage? Or a large family? Or a restless kid next door? The field for this kind of activity in Russia is enormous.
Even if your contribution is small, the Lord looks in your heart. And if He sees the purity and selflessness of your help, He will not remain in debt. God has many things. And one more thing: remember one thing, the Lord does not make mistakes and is never late. And everything that He does, He does for the good and for the salvation of the person himself.

Natalia SUKHININA