Expectations and reality: why expectations prevent us from reaching the goal. "When the expectations do not coincide with reality

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A few years ago, a close friend of Light delighted me with news - she was taken to work in the same company as me! I was on the seventh heaven from happiness - a native face in the office! Plus, the light settled in the next department, so there could not arise any competition between us. On her first day at work we went to dine together, I showed her all the surrounding cafes and shops. The next day she went to dine with colleagues in the department, but later we got together for coffee. On the third day she did not even call. From this day, the maximum what we did is, they nodded with each other in greeting, if at the same time entered the building.

I was very upset. I liked the light, I loved to spend time with her, and I also wanted to have a man at work, who knew me well and understood, in a word, a kindred soul. In general, I expected it much more and was disappointed. But I was not solved to tell her, I was afraid to look stupid or seem intrusive.

But now, looking back, I understand that the problem was in me. But why did I wait for our relationship more? "This is normal: all the children are so growing with egocentric minigration," explains the coach Emma Kenny (Emma Kenny). - It's all about survival. In a sense, high expectations protect us: placing high hopes for partners, we are less likely to fall into complex, destructive or violent relations. "

Apparently, in the case of Light, I should have to look at the situation from its point of view, and not just with my own. "Most people are not able to look at what is happening in other people's eyes, and when friends and relatives will sum up, we refer it to your own account. But if instead we carefully study what is happening in their lives and we will understand that they are worried about why they behave anyway, they will be able to reduce the level of voltage and provide them with due support, "explains Emma Kenny.

It's true. After almost six weeks of winding herself, I finally decided to talk with the light during one of the corporate events. And then it turned out that she was specially removed from me, so as not to be a hindrance in my relations with colleagues on the department, which it seemed more important to her. I could not believe how wrong I reacted to the current situation.

And then I thought about overestimated expectations. How do they come from? What can they say not only about our friends and loved ones, but also about ourselves? I decided to ask colleagues about whether such situations happened in their lives and that they felt in connection with this.

My colleague Elena told that when she just began to meet with her husband, he constantly focused on the fact that he had no equal in the choice of gifts. "Before the new year, I got up with the legs, looking for an ideal gift for him, and he only mysteriously smiled. I was so intrigued that when the New Year tree got a gift certificate for a massage, involuntarily screamed: "Is that all?!" It turned out that from the point of view of Elena, an ideal gift should emphasize that a person for a long time, carefully and thoughtfully chose him. "I really love massage. But the gift certificate is too removable, there is nothing personal! - Elena sighs. "I understand that I find fear, but I would like something more subtle." Therefore, I was so upset. "

A similar reaction depends only on our perception of the situation. "It constantly happens in a pair," explains Emma Kenny. - If the husband gives his wife a set of new saucepan instead of decorations or cosmetics, a woman might think that she was blocked. And the man did it only because he knows that the wife loves to cook and constantly complains of bad pans. And therefore sincerely does not understand your disorder, he thought everything! Try simply change your mind on the situation. Look, because it is a man who knows your hobbies and happily makes them more pleasant and comfortable. And this is quite another thing. "

By the way, what about our parents? We ourselves choose friends, but it is impossible to choose the family. Maybe you should simply reduce the bar of your expectations towards your relatives to ease life and yourself, and they? My former colleague, Valeria, can tell a lot about it. During the celebration of the anniversary - 40 years old - her mother got up and stated that she wanted to say something important. Colleague was very rare and waited for wishes from an important person In the world, and perhaps a couple of cute family stories. But instead, her mother thanked the cook and waiters for the beautiful dinner, asked the owner of the silver Audi to ralpace the car, and then he graduated from a dry congratulation, as if he would remember the birthday at the very last moment. Valeria was crushed.

Emma Kenny is not surprised. "Heavy expectations for their parents are often found in those who grow in the 70s. Our parents looked after us, and we wanted them out loud to express our feelings for us. But adults of that era could not be cleaned, now we want a dialogue with them, but do not get it. And they do not even guess how important it is for us. "

But if expectations are so important for the development of relationships, what do we need to do to improve everything? Emma Kenny offers regularly soberly evaluating what is happening. "Be frank with yourself and with what you invest in this relationship," she advises. - Often we are cut off from reality, fantasize that our partner must do for us. Secret in communications, about which we often forget. This leads to quarrels and insults, when the expectations no longer justified. But if we try to calmly explain to your friend, partner, near manWhat we want from him and wait, we will be pleasantly surprised. "

The next day, after the corporate party, we went to the "conciliatory" lunch. And then they were perfectly friends until our paths were finally separated: she went to the decret, and I on new job. But, looking back, I still regret that I did not think about my own expectations on time. "Remember, everyone is trying with all his might and no one and in thoughts do not somehow hurt or offend the other. As soon as you realize this, life will become much easier, "the psychologist sums up.

Under what situations and circumstances there are stress, how to cope with it, what technologies of self-help use?

About this and friend - in an interview with the psychologist Om Time Center, Anna Karimova (Kolkina).

- Anna Nikolaevna, what is stress and what is his reason?

- stress is the natural reaction of our body on external stimuli And the reason for stress can be whatever, since some global catastrophe and ending the raindrop, which fell on us when we were without an umbrella. That is, stress is not what happened to us, but how we actually perceive it. If you take a common global understanding of all events in our life, they are all relatively neutral, since each person's assessment gives them through the prism of his perception, that is, through the prism of his mood, attitudes towards life, through the prism of their expectations, its condition. Therefore, stress takes its beginning from our expectations. Expectations are my ideas for any life moments, nuances, events. Each person has views and expectations. In men - about women. In women - about men, love, about creating a family, behavior of children, about the relationship of parents and children, and so on. The head - about subordinates, he is waiting for the timely professional performance of its official functions from them ... With these expectations and ideas, reality comes to life, and very often it does not coincide with our expectations and ideas. And then the definite degree of development of events begins, including stressful situations.

When the expectations and reality coincide, everything is in order, everything is fine, everything is fine, he rejoices, rejoices, he is added to energy, he shares with his emotions, because they have positive. For example, he very much wanted to give a salary and he was given her. Or really wanted to get a post higher and got. We can and we can share positive emotions, we have a smile on your face, a good mood, we love all, we are good from the inside and outside.

- And if everything went wrong, how did you want?

- This happens often. Then we become excited, we indulge, what happened not as I wanted, negative emotion appears - anger, irritation, insult, anger ... Further the actions that we want to do at the same time. Conditionally speaking, we climb to fight, we go to battle to prove that everything happened not as I wanted. Take, for example, my wife. The wife always expects something from her husband, expects that he will bring a bouquet of flowers in honor of the wedding day in the evening, and he comes late at night, with some incomprehensible smell, and in general he completely forgot about the wedding day, or about her birthday and her birthday and It did not coincide with her expectations. She probably will be stress after that, but at first she goes the rise of energy, she can start shouting, angry, offended, sulking ... Unfortunately, we are most brutally doing precisely with the most close people, including in family life.

- Why is this happening?

- Because close people are not scary to tell the truth, show your emotions, it seems to us that they will always be forgiven us, so we can speak out, to release a couple. And if our expectations do not coincide with reality in society, that is, this is a job or a business structure, or some other relationship of an external nature, then by virtue of their upbringing, provisions, status, we silent about it, leave our emotions within ourselves, and This is fraught negative consequences and stress. It turns out, emotion arose, but we could not speak it. For example, in the case of my husband, my wife was able to this will speak, maybe even at elevated tones, may have applied any other tools for impact on it, because she wants to do so that it is no longer repeated.

In relation to the head - subordinate ... if the subordinate did not like it, as the boss talked to him, if it was inadequate, unreigned claims, then the subordinate will not show the appearance that it hurt him, although negative emotions were survived on him, but he kept They are within themselves. And when negative emotions remain within us, they settle on some kind of internal organ. Psychosomatics develops. Therefore, we say that stress is always accompanied by some kind of body reactions. Modern scientists, doctors recognized the one hundred percent nature of the psychosomatics of all diseases. By big account, all diseases, with the exception of a small percentage, have an emotion, which a person could not express. He survived them, and they sank inside, as if settled on some particular body - liver, kidney, stomach, and so on. Sometimes it happens facial pain, sometimes it toothache, that is, the pain may occur absolutely in different sites Body. Thus, the stress is dangerous, which can manifest itself in the most unexpected way in the form of heart attacks, pain in the stomach, constipation, arrhythmias, rashes on the skin, pressure drops ... That is why stress is always accompanied by psychosomatics. It is a breakdown of sleep, it is nervousness, irritability, decay, lethargy, apathy ... They are like a brick behind the brick fit in our body, accumulate and burst as a steamed light in the form of some diseases. A person begins to walk in a circle, from one specialist to another, from one doctor to another, without understanding the reasons for his ailment and not feeling improvements. By helping yourself with all sorts of drugs, it eliminates the symptoms of the disease, but not the cause. Our body is like a lactium paper, it signals some deeper internal disorders. Consequently, we need to understand and know the reason for the occurrence of stress, where he takes his beginning and what leads to. And the beginning, as we said, from the fact that our expectations do not coincide with our reality.

- What to do?

"We need to learn to competently express our emotions, to pronounce what worries you, worries, annoying. In psychology, there is a concept - in order not to go to the conflict, and to go out on the constructive permission, you should always speak from yourself. For example, you can not talk, you offended me. It is better to say, I am very insulting as a result of such your actions. That is, we are accused to go to the statement of facts regarding their feelings, emotions and states. Helps.

We are talking about situations where you can still change something if we don't like something. But what to do if we are powerless to change. Suppose Your close friend got into an accident and died, and you can't do anything here, you can't return it, my hands are descended, the light is not sweet, despair, hopelessness, tears, apathy, full decay of forces ...

If you can't change anything, you need to change your attitude towards this. This is a big vital philosophy and to understand it and accept, be sure to know the laws of life, the laws of the Universe. Not always everything as it seems to us. I'll tell you the parable about.

Two angels, wandering around the world, descended to the ground. During the day they did their business, and when the night came, they knocked the first to spend the night. The door opened the rich people, here lived rich family, they reluctantly let the angels. They say there are no places, you will have to sleep in the basement. Angels agreed and spent in the basement. In the morning, thanking the owners, flew on.

With the onset of the night, nodded to another house and again asked to spend the night. There lived poor people, they met angels very well, put them on their bed, and they themselves went to the floor. At night, a cow dies in the family of the poor man. This was their only kormilitsa, and it was a terrible grief for them. And then one angel says to another: " Why are you so cruel? That night, when we spent the night in the family of the rich, you found a hole in the wall, but I frowd it, but they reacted to us badly ". The second angel says: " Everything is not like it seems to us. ". The first angel continues: "But these poor people have taken a cow, the only root of their feed, and they treated us so well". The second angel says: "Again, this is not the way it seems to us. That night in the family of rich people, I slept my hand into this hole and found a treasure, but I realized that they were unworthy of this treasure and embroidered a hole. And in the family of the poor one, the angel of death came in the family His wife, so I asked him to pick up a cow instead of her. "

- A good parable, makes you think ...

- Yes. And I would also like to say that every difficult situation in my life should learn how to consider as a resource as an opportunity as a lesson through which the best situation comes, good luck come, success, positive.

- That is, we must learn the black strip in their lives to perceive like a run, like a springboard?

- Completely right. Of course, at the time of the arrival of the situation unfavorable for us, we, by virtue of our narrowed consciousness, do not understand how this situation, the black strip can be for me the resource, running. But she can be a resource! To do this, you need to learn from the crisis to make it possible, working on it on the inner deep levels, on a thin plan, then we will be able to move forward and enter the resource intellectual state. Intellectual level is a person understanding of his destination in life. Very often, stress arises from people when he is not in his place. For example, his soul was born in order to give beauty to this world, being an artist, sculptor, designer, and his parents said, you will be a banker or a lawyer. And now it works with some prudential regulations, laws and is experiencing strong discomfort, he is not joy, and in a burden, and this is a wonderful nutrient medium for stress. And here it is very important to think about everything well and understand what my mission is, the purpose and even if you are no longer able to change the sphere of our activities, then let you have at least a hobby, passionate for your favorite business that you can do in your free time . Then the soul will be well and comfortable and with this will take stress.

But most high level Self-development that brings peace and peace, satisfaction, peacefulness, inspiration, is the spring of your heart and the cause of the disappearance of sadness, fear, anxiety, anxiety, depression, despair is a spiritual level. Therefore, we should always develop spiritually. We will give at least three times a day to eat for your body, and about food for the soul often forget and the soul is starving, weakens, can not resist the vital troubles, breaks. Therefore, the soul must be given food spiritual, develop a connection with the highest start, to understand that the soul is prim than, and our body is secondary and it will always give failures if there will be a breakdown on an emotional, intellectual or spiritual level.

And further. In order for a priori to not give to arise negative emotions, it is necessary to reduce the level of waiting and take another person as it is, holistic and harmoniously, as a person, allowing him to have his own vote, respecting his rights. As our observations show, the higher the human spiritual potential, intellect, the greater the adoption, patience.

I can also advise another way to protect against negative emotions. This technique is called conscious breathing. So, as soon as you begin to feel that fear or irritation, aggression, resentment and so on, and it can bring you out of themselves, immediately begin to breathe deeply. We do a slowly deep breath, a small pause and slowly and calmly exhale. Concentrate only on yourself and your breathing. Practice it respiratory exercise You can at any time about two or three minutes. At the same time, your interlocutor may simply not be noticed. This is a simple simple exercise will help you learn to adequately respond to external circumstances, and we are able to make the right one. constructive solution. But the main thing, within us there will be no stream of negativity, malice, hatred, which soon can become uncontrollable and lead us to a protracted stress. This is as a certain ambulance option.

- This is understandable that we must learn to think positively, perceive the other positively, but how to do how to miss it through awareness, because such thin things are not made violent, rude, it should occur at the level of awareness. While the awareness does not work, no appeals will help.

- Indeed, some advice will not help, for this you need to work a lot on yourself, read special literature, go to trainings, on individual consulting with a psychologist. This is a big topic and if your users have an interest, we can make it the theme of our meeting.

Thoughts are a definite program to action, that's how I thought, it happens. Therefore, you need to control your thoughts, leave the negative in positive. It is very important to learn how to formulate your thoughts, in no case cannot express them with a particle not. Our subconscious does not perceive a particle not. If I say I do not want to live with problems, then our subconscious is heard, I want to live with problems, and they come one after another. That is, this is the most powerful trap of our subconscious, it's like a child. If you say a child, not shumi, he hears, noise and will no longer make noise. If you say, do not run, now you will fall, he will run even faster and falls. Therefore, our task is to learn to formulate in your mind positive statements. For example, I'm already successful, I'm calm, I am harmonious, I accept people as they are. And if you caught some kind of negative in your mind, realized that this thought went like a worm, it should be caught as in a sump and remove from his consciousness and put the approval completely with the opposite meaning. When, let's say, we say, all men are cheating, I must say, next to me, a man who is always responsible, executive. Or: I believe in the honesty of people and find this confirmation and so on.

Torghyn Nurseitova.

Expectations permeate our lives through and affect our emotional state, but we often do not give this value or do not even guess how these processes are interrelated.

The main thing is that you need to understand about expectations - this is a product of our imagination. Simply, this is our imagination. When we disassemble our expectations, we can use other words close to the meaning - fantasies, dreams, hopes, illusions.

All words listed by me, although they have their shades, but are close in meaning. And much closer to each other than waiting words and reality.

Our expectations often do not coincide with reality. When we understand this, we have options appear how to do. You can apply effort and develop your ability to analyze, predict reality, try to control it so that expectations are as close as possible to reality.

In my opinion, sustainable people who successfully implement themselves are spending little time in their expectations or predictions of reality. The main thing in their behavior is to find its interest and act, based on it.

At the same time, all of the listed does not mean that you need to stop fantasize, dream, have expectations. In principle, it is impossible, such is our human nature. Rather, I propose more consciously to this process treat, to use it for good.

How? Thanks to imagination to detect your interest. Everyone sometimes happens for us to answer the question "What do I want?", "What I wonder?". Imagination is a good prompt. Look, about what you nice to dream, fantasize, what to hope - and you will find where your "want" lives. But immediately, as you find, imagination is important to muffle and proceed to real actions in relation to the object of your interest.

If this is not done, you will automatically begin to approach your interest in your head, with the help of fantasies.

In the worst case, you can get into the anticipation trap. She looks like this: At first, a person really wants something, striving for it and dreams how it will be good when the desired happens. Fantasizing his success, a person enjoys, his mood improves, he relaxes. But in the end, when it reaches his success, it does not feel anything - neither joy nor happiness. And felt like a condemned.

And it is, only a man has robbed himself, living all pleasant emotions in dreams, on credit. And in the situation of the actual result, it turned out to be on emotional babes, nothing with anything.

Therefore, we can choose when we want to receive pleasant emotions - anticipating, or getting.

But let's go back a little back, to expectations. I will tell why the situation when reality does not coincide with expectations, it may be emotionally heavy and live as a catastrophe.

Any serious person can very seriously treat their thoughts, dreams, ideas, fantasies. And the more of his time a person spends on hope and imagination, the more he is associated with them, it is identified. Moreover, this process takes place within his personality.

A person as it becomes with his expectations, its hopes and dreams. When a person is immersed in his imagination process, all his attention is sent to this and very little attention is paid to the environment, external reality. And then this external reality seems to be a lipstick, insignificant, ephemeral. And if something is insignificant as a reality, does not coincide with such a serious and essential, as expectations - it is perceived as injustice.

As an attack on your own personality. A person in such a situation is experiencing very strong feelings - anger, rage, offense, indignation, horror and panic. In addition, a person is trapped. It cannot very quickly navigate and change his expectations, bring them into line with new data. Because he has invested a lot of time in his hopes and dreams, and it is now he himself.

If he refuses them, it's like to betray yourself, lose myself. It's very hard.

That is why it is important not to deprive themselves the opportunity to quickly navigate in changing conditions. Do not spend too much time in imagination. And remember that expectations very often do not coincide with reality - this is normal.

Another thing is interesting. When a person understands the whole situation and decides now less time to spend in imagination, and more - in actual contact With reality, in real actions and situations, it faces unpleasant feelings. He feels depressed, upset and thinks "It would be better if I didn't know all this, I'd rather have not been seen."

This is a typical abstineent syndrome - cancellation syndrome. Until now, your brain was playing psycho-lattern substances - your fantasies. And now stopped, but he is already accustomed to abuse and he lacks pleasant incentives. Against this background, the usual reality seems depressing, cold, unpleasant, etc. Do not worry, this effect is quite quickly running, if you continue in the same vein. The less you fantasize and the more you live real life - The most comfortable and more pleasant to you in your own life.

You have never happened to go to some purpose. On the way you certainly came across obstacles. What did you feel when they came across them? Anger? Annoying? Stupor? The British would use one word - frustration. Interestingly, we also experience all the same feelings as the British in such situations, but we have no one word describing this condition. In Russian, there is a word "frustration". Do you know what it means (this is so going, not looking into the dictionary)? I am sure that a few will be able to answer, because "frustration" is medical, or rather the psychological term. "Frustration is a mental state that occurs in the situation of the real or alleged impossibility of meeting certain needs, or, in more simply, in a situation of inconsistency of desires of the opportunities." Familiar, right?

How does it offer to translate english word Frustration ABBYY Lingvo.

1) disruption ( plans), wreck ( hope)

2) a feeling of disappointment, dissatisfaction ( due to the impossibility of some affect the situation)

Single words: frustrated (One can Feel frustrated), and something can be frustrating.

Let's look at the examples of the latest English-language news and books about Harry Potter (Sorry, I'm Still A Huge):

He Might Be Surprised to Hear That The Majority of Greek People Share His frustration AT. the Present. Government's Delaying Tactics ... - He may be surprised to find out that most of the Greek citizens share his sense of dissatisfaction with the actions of the government, which all postpones ...

Linda Hepner Said She Is frustrated That Gang Members and Drug Dealers Can Receive Medical Care ... - Linda Hepner said that she was disappointed that members of the gangster group and drug dealers in the right to receive medical care ...

And then, AS HIS Feeling of Frustration Peaked, His Certainty Leaked Away. - Then the feeling of uncertainty reached its limit, and confidence left him.

Let Them Try: He'D Love to Vent Some of His Frustration On The Boys Who Had Once Made His Life Hell. - Let only try! He would love to go to his disappointment by enhancing a fight with boys who once turned his life into hell.

I Think He's Really Frutrated At how Little. He Can Do Where He Is "I think he doesn't find his place and is angry with himself, from what he can do so little where he is."

The Froustrated Face Looking Back Out Of The Mirror Was Still, Definitely, His Own ...- A uncertain face looking at him from the mirror was definitely his own ...

There is also a verb to frustrate. (Plans, Efforts) - to reduce plans or efforts.

The Rain Frutrated Oour Plan To Go To the Beach - Rain broke all our plans. Because of the rain, we could not go to the beach.

Frustration, frustrating, frustrated Really very capacious and useful words. It is unlikely that you will consume them in speech, but they will definitely come across you (They Will Crop Up) is then there, so it seems to me important to understand what the gamut of the feelings they pass.

For writing of this post, I came across the article Ekaterina Murashova "How we overcome the obstacles." I personally never thought that there are some other ways except "get around." And you?

One of the reasons why we do not achieve the goals, is the fact that reality does not always coincide with our expectations. Often our vision of the desired future is either rather vague, or we build illusions and draw rainbar pictures that have little in common with the real state of affairs. Therefore, a collision with harsh reality can cause frustration and loss of interest in the goal.

From the principles of setting goals (SMART) it is known that the goal should be concrete. This means that there are certain key factors for which we understand that our goal is achieved, and we won our prize. For each person, these key factors can be completely different - it may be something that he sawn, or hear, or selow... in any case, they are all connected with emotional stateIn which this man would like to be, reaching the goal.

So, in our head there is some idea of \u200b\u200bhow we should look like. This will be the "switch", which will work when our vision is implemented, and we understand that the goal is achieved. But you need to take into account that this is just our representation! If we did not have such experience, it may be far from reality! Often we want immediate task solutions - to "everything and immediately", and if we do not get the expected results, disappointed and throw. Therefore, a variable responsible for your emotional state must be present in the formulation of the target. How exactly do you want to feel, reaching the desired? What emotions will fill you?

One of my customers somehow came to me with the request "I want to understand what I do in life." From his words, he devoted a lot of time and effort to find his destination, and spent a decent amount of money on it. I reread a bunch of smart books, visited various training on self-development, tried a lot different methods - But she argued that none of them gave results. Nothing helped him and not closer to solving his problem.

When I asked what he was looking for, as it was lets what I was looking for, and for what signs would you understand that the decision was found - he replied that it should be some kind of awareness, insight, the idea that suddenly squeezes him and He will exclaim something like: "Eureka! Here it is!!!".

He waited for such an insightry - but it was not all and was not ... He was angry with himself, accused himself in stupid, and already began to think that he was not so wrong with him. He really impressed the accomplice of the desperate and annoyed person.

What do you think it was his mistake?

The key factor here was his STATE! In fact, he was looking for a certain emotional and spiritual comfort defined feelingsAnd I believed that it could get it, just learning how he should do. But it was for the state that it was necessary to go and set a goal. And the understanding, which steps you need to do to move to this purpose, will come in the process of itself!

Waiting for a "magic solution" creates excessive stress and increases the importance of the result. After all, we focus on the fact that for happiness we need something, And now we have no. This negative emotion, suffering from the lack of desired, we broadcast into the universe, and it completely fairly protects us from getting it, because the differences between the absence and the presence of something for it do not exist.

In fact, changes are inevitable, but they come gradually. You need to be patient, be active and attentive! In order for positive changes in life, you need to start them to notice them, no matter how paradoxically sounds! Get yourself a diary of observation, and every day, write to everything that can be a sign of change for the better. There is no smallest things here. Hamuray usually smiled at the store today? A happy ticket caught on the bus? Someone suddenly returned the old duty to you, about which you yourself have already forgotten? A business meeting was surprising successfully, and managed to agree on a profitable deal? Anyone A pleasant event, if you paid attention to it, can be a confirmation that you are moving. After all, everything that happens to you is a manifestation of feedback that the universe demonstrates you!

In the following articles, I will continue this topic. Leave your comments and questions under this record, I will be glad any reviews from you!