After the loss of a loved one. How to cope with the death of a loved one: recommendations of psychologists, stages of experiencing grief and features. How to accept the departure of a relative to another world

"The rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves"

(From the novel by I. Ilf and E. Petrov "Twelve Chairs")

A loved one died. The funeral and commemoration took place ... And now the relatives and friends who have supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to their normal life, to their business. Their attention and care for you is getting less and less ...

And you? You still bear the brunt of the loss, grieve, and do not understand how they can live on when such a misfortune happened. You miss a loved one who has left you, and it seems that this terrible grief will never end, and a lack of attention and care exacerbate your worries.

If you have already begun to ask yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude to life with loss, that you need to adapt to a new social and emotional situation of life loss.

And now the epigraph to this article becomes relevant for you. In this context, this phrase does not mean that you have to "pull yourself out of the water by yourself" - to forget the deceased, to pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, you must "learn to swim" and be able to take "precautions on the water", i.e. do everything to cope with your grief situation with the least bodily and emotional disturbances.

There are no universal recipes for this, everyone has their own, unique grief and their own, unique situation in the family and in society.

Nevertheless, I will try to give some tips that, I hope, will help in some moments of this difficult life period.

Try to realize in what aspects of life you have become most vulnerable.- Is it a household sphere, emotional, perhaps professional? Once you understand where the “biggest hole has been punched,” it will be easier to close it up. And, as a small child gradually learns to walk, try to gradually learn to independently receive what you previously received with the help of the deceased.

These can be purely everyday skills. For example, a woman who has lost her spouse, who did everything around the house, can learn to do something herself, or she can find a household service that will help maintain the comfort at home at the usual level. A man who has lost his wife can study the instructions for household appliances (washing machine, modern smart stove, microwave oven) and ensure the same level of life for himself. Someone will have to learn how to cook food. Someone needs to learn to make decisions. This is especially difficult if the deceased used to decide almost everything for you. Remember not to strive to make a decision overnight. Do not hesitate to consult with reputable people in this matter, you may need the help of a specialist in one area or another. In the first time after the death of a loved one, try to generally postpone the solution of global issues (buying / selling real estate, moving, etc.) for some time.

It's harder with emotional gaps. The emotional sphere is the first thing that needs regulation.

Do not listen to those who advise "to be strong, hold on, take courage ...". Don't collect tears. If you feel like crying, cry; if you feel sadness, be sad. And do not feel guilty for this in front of your environment. Tears are a normal physiological response to pain, in this case, mental pain. Tears are emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and devastated, but they feel better. Remember that you have the right to express your feelings. And you don't need to make excuses to others. You should explain only to young children that your emotions are not caused by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. Adults, as a rule, understand this anyway. If you are holding back tears, the child may try to copy your behavior without understanding its reasons, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, let the child cry for the deceased if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him get through these emotions.

Think about who you can talk to about the person who left you.... If there is no such person in your environment, use the modern possibilities of psychological support - the memoriam.ru website, helplines, psychological assistance services. The main thing is to speak. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears ... Do not hesitate to seem a weak person, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the deceased with God. The funeral prayer is your real help to the soul of the departed.

But do not try to talk to the deceased, physically he is no longer there ... Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to everyone who tries to tell you about superstitions, omens and so on. If you are a believer, you already know what happened. If you do not believe in God, then death for you is the end of physical existence, then even more so there is no point in performing superstitious rituals.

Helps many to mitigate acute emotions keeping a diary... Write about your thoughts, feelings, and your pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed over this period of time? What feelings became sharper, what, on the contrary, are gone? What have you learned? This kind of introspection will reveal your strengths and weaknesses to you. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support in those aspects where you are not sure of yourself.

Another way - write a letter to the deceased... Even if death was not sudden, there is always a lot of unspoken, unsaid. Write. It is necessary for you, not for him. If you have not finished something important, you have the opportunity to say it now. Use it. Do not be afraid to sound ridiculous because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can simply burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of inconsistencies that you carry, entrusting it to paper.

If you do not like to write, but emotions and memories are overwhelming - try this method. Place next to two cans. Prepare a number of small colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember the good and the good about the deceased, put one ball in the jar. This will be the bank of your memory. If you remember some bleak incident, resentment, quarrel - write on a piece of paper - what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the piece of paper into a ball and put it in another jar. This will be the bank of your grievances. How long you will do this depends on you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already in the memory bank, close it and put it where you think is necessary. All the bright memories are now before your eyes. See how many there are. When new grievances will not be remembered - choose a day (perhaps it will be some kind of date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Deserves separate consideration guilt before the deceased. Do not allow yourself to cultivate this feeling, it is destructive.

Another strong feeling that can accompany a loss is fear... Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that your fear is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a "childish" reaction to the unknown surrounding you after the death of a loved one.

I suggest a little exercise to regain your "adult" state, stay "here and now", in reality.

When you feel fear, first look around, if there is really no immediate threat to your life and health, highlight 5 colors of objects that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? (Look at any objects, but you should not just “recognize” the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify, perhaps name it aloud). If fear crept up at night, do not pretend that the ceiling is white (this is not your feeling of "here and now", this is knowledge), at night it looks gray, like all other things, so either turn on the light or distinguish the intensity of the shades of gray in those around you things.

Now sounds. 5 sounds - clock, bird, car outside the window, TV…. anything, but there should be 5 sounds too. In the stillness of the night, it can be the sound of your breathing, the pounding of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the foliage outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes ... Listen carefully, each sound must also be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Where are your hands, warm or cold, dry or damp with sweat? The legs are the same. The back of the head and neck area. Back. Abdomen and groin area. Feel all these parts of your body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For visually impaired and hearing impaired people, the distinction of color or sound can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Feel what's next to you. Highlight 5 different sensations - carpet wool, cool furniture wood, armchair upholstery, paper wallpaper ... Try to discern the subtle smells emitted by these objects.

Usually this exercise brings back a sense of reality for irrational fears.

Be natural in grief... Don't let others force you to behave in a certain way. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if it helps you. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient... No one can tell how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will recede, then it will rush with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially hard going. For many years, the pain of loss can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Years or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Unleash your memories, order a memorial service in the temple, pray at home, visit the cemetery. Even in a situation where one of the spouses has died and the other has a new family, do not be shy about it. The deceased is a part of your life. The person who loves you must understand and respect your feelings. This is not treason, this is a tribute to memory.

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and somatic (bodily) sides. Deeply grieving can cause illness in the body. Grief manifests itself in a person's appearance. Burning muscle tight, tense, can't relax... Such stress can cause sleep disorders, which, in turn, leads to breathing problems, pressure surges, and heart disease. If you feel muscle tightness, ask someone to give you a massage (usually the collar zone suffers first of all), or contact a massage therapist. Perhaps relaxation to the sounds of nature will help someone. Be attentive to your state while listening, if instead of relaxing you feel that, on the contrary, grief “rolls over”, or the sounds have awakened painful memories in you, stop listening immediately. If you previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now, if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist.

Don't ignore your body's needs. Try to stick to your daily routine whenever possible. Do not skip meals, even if you "do not fit" - a small portion of food will help you to support yourself. You need very little, at least an apple, a glass of kefir or milk. Do not rush to the other extreme - "do not seize" grief. If the bouts of hunger are uncontrollable, try to understand - do you really want to eat, or just need comfort in such a way as in childhood: “Don't cry, hold candy”? If so, it’s a lack of emotional support, look for it from loved ones, friends, or professionals, not overweight.

The second vital need that needs to be satisfied is need for sleep... Take a cool shower before bed, do not watch TV, try to relax as much as possible in bed. If you cannot get normal sleep on your own, see your doctor for medication support. But remember that medications relieve your condition, but do not correct the cause. Therefore, you kind of "freeze" yourself in a state of grief, prolonging the period of mourning. And of course, do not seek solace in alcohol.

Another important aspect is the pace of your life. It is possible that during the period of grief, you will not be able to perform all those functions that you could easily cope with before. Nothing wrong. If there is an opportunity to pass them on to someone - do it. Allow yourself to reduce the load Remember that the stress you are going through negatively affects all areas of your life. Get more rest. What kind of rest is best for you - active or passive? Do not be afraid to show weakness and do not feel guilty about it when you can - you will return to your usual rhythm of life. For now, just take care of yourself.

Time passes, and what seemed insurmountable yesterday is being overcome. Emotions that did not allow breathing are weakened and replaced by others. The feeling of loss does not go away, you will always miss the deceased person, just the acute pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then these memories will become bright. This means that you have gone through the most difficult period.

Grief does not mean forgetting. To survive is to learn to live a full life after a loss.

Natalia Kaptsova

Reading time: 8 minutes

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The death of a person is always an unexpected event, especially when this happens to people close and dear to us. This loss is a profound shock for any of us. At the moment of loss, a person begins to feel the loss of an emotional connection, a deep sense of guilt and an unfulfilled duty to the deceased. All these sensations are very oppressive, and can cause severe depression. Therefore, today we will tell you how to survive the death of a loved one.

Death of a loved one: 7 stages of grief

Psychologists identify 7 stages of grief that all people who grieve for a deceased loved one go through. Moreover, these stages do not alternate in any specific sequence - for everyone, this process takes place individually ... And since understanding what is happening to you can help you cope with grief, we want to tell you about these stages.
7 stages of grief:

Negation.
"It is not true. Impossible. This could not happen to me. " Fear is the main reason for denial. You are afraid of what has happened, you are afraid of what will happen next. Your mind is trying to deny reality, you are trying to convince yourself that nothing has happened in your life and nothing has changed. Outwardly, a person in such a situation may look simply numb, or, on the contrary, fuss, actively organize a funeral, call relatives. But this does not mean that he easily experiences the loss, he just has not yet fully realized it.
However, it should be remembered that a person who has fallen into a daze should not be protected from the hassle of a funeral. Ordering funeral services and completing all the necessary documents make you move, communicate with people, and thus help you get out of the stupor.
There are cases when, in the stage of denial, a person generally ceases to perceive the world around him adequately. And although this reaction is short-lived, help to get out of this state is still necessary O. To do this, you need to talk to a person, while constantly calling him by name, do not leave alone and try to distract a little ... But to console and calm down is not worth it, it still will not help.
The denial phase is not very long. During this period, a person prepares himself, as it were, for the departure of a loved one, realizes what happened to him. And as soon as a person consciously accepts what happened, he begins to move from this stage to the next.
Anger, resentment, rage.
These feelings of a person capture completely, and are projected onto the entire surrounding world. During this period, there are enough good people for him and everyone is doing everything wrong. Such a storm of emotions is caused by the feeling that everything that is happening around is a great injustice. The strength of this emotional storm depends on the person himself, and how often he spills them out.
Guilt.
A person more and more often remembers the moments of communication with the deceased, and the realization comes that he paid little attention here, he spoke very sharply there. The thought more and more often comes to mind "Have I done everything to prevent this death." There are times when the feeling of guilt remains with a person even after he has gone through all the stages of grief.
Depression.
This stage is most difficult for those people who keep all their emotions to themselves, not showing their feelings to others. And in the meantime, they exhaust a person from the inside, he begins to lose hope that someday life will return to a normal owl. Being in deep sadness, the grieving person does not want to be sympathized with. He is in a gloomy state and does not have contact with other people. Trying to suppress their feelings, the person does not release his negative energy, thus becoming even more unhappy. After the loss of a loved one, depression can be a rather difficult life experience that will leave an imprint on all aspects of a person's life.
Acceptance and pain relief.
Over time, a person will go through all the previous stages of grief and, finally, come to terms with what happened. Now he can already take his life in hand and direct it in the right direction. His condition will improve every day, and his anger and depression will subside.
Revival.
Although it is difficult to accept the world without a loved one, it is simply necessary to do it. During this period, a person becomes uncommunicative and silent, often mentally withdraws into himself. This stage is rather long, it can last from several weeks to several years.
Creation of a new life.
After going through all the stages of grief, a lot changes in a person's life, including himself. Very often in a similar situation, people try to find new friends, change the environment. Someone changes jobs, and someone a place of residence.

"Where there is life, there is death"

LOSS ACCEPTANCE

Experiencing death of a loved one , the person is deeply worried and loss self parts. There are several reasons for this. Personality develops in relationships with other people, and therefore, when a person dies, part of his personality also dies. loved ones.

With death of a loved one I have to say goodbye forever to a significant part of my life that was associated with him. It is painful to part forever with the hopes and plans for the future, in which the one who died was.

The main feeling that a person experiences while experiencing death of a loved one- heavy sorrow... It can be so intolerable, especially in the first time after what happened, that the psyche blocks the perception of reality and denies what happened. loss... A man lives without noticing loss: he either thinks that close alive, or he thinks that nothing terrible has happened: "Everyone will die someday." Shock, denial block the incredible sorrow, but they are able to help the unfortunate person only at first. If he does not cry at the funeral, for 9, 40 days, automatically performing all funeral rituals, if he tries to fill his life with joy and pleasures, protecting himself from sadness and despair, this death will destroy his life, filling it for many years apathy, a series of psychosomatic illnesses or depression.

Protect the psyche with denial of death it is possible for no more than three days. At a funeral, it is necessary for both men and women to cry, as well as observe all the rituals - they are very helpful to survive loss.

The hardest part is to accept the fact of death, accept that close no more and never will be. It is inhumanly painful and hard. But only this acceptance gives hope for one's own rebirth and further happy life without this beloved and dear person.

This is the most important stage in the experience. sorrow... V psychologist and the whole process from the news of of death close until the moment when you can live on without this person, having survived him death- called BURNING or WORKING HEAT... Great importance is attached to him when working with a person who has suffered a difficult loss.

From the moment when Human learned about death of a loved one, and until the moment when he finally accepted his loss and is ready to live without a departed person, the greatest help is the support of friends, relatives, and those around him. Help from people is not a word of consolation, it will only harm you here. Helping people is, first of all, the ability and desire to listen and talk about the deceased. The task, so to speak, of a person who is experiencing loss of a loved one, do not hold back all your emotions and feelings, and also talk a lot about the deceased, remembering him and all the bright moments of your life with him. This is a job Grief, she helps to get through a difficult loss... Crying, sobbing, better with the whole body, laughter, screaming help to throw out emotions. Throwing them out is a must. The main ways of expressing emotions and feelings: physical activity (walking, running), with the help of a voice (sobbing, screaming), art therapy. The home version of art therapy is as follows: put a sheet of Whatman paper on the table, prepare paints (watercolors, gouache), a glass of water and two squirrel brushes (sizes 2 and 6). Focus briefly on your emotions and feelings (1-5 minutes), take a brush that suits you, choose a paint that matches these feelings and paint, succumbing to an unconscious flow of emotions. Try to express your emotions and feelings on paper with paints. Name your painting. If it doesn't feel better for you, take the next one. You will achieve very good results if you cry, cry or scream. But the option of falling into a daze is also possible. In this case, paint whatever you want, matching colors to your current state. Next, analyze your drawing. Why did you draw exactly this? So you will get close to your feelings and stir them up.

Despair, anger, rage, guilt, horror, fear, resentment, sadness - these emotions and feelings are natural in such a situation. If not spilled out, they will lead to somatic illness, insanity, or of death.

Be sure to observe all funeral rituals. Rituals are very helpful to work through sorrow and in the future to find yourself.

In the first hours, days and months after loss it is not advisable to be alone. If you feel that there is no person nearby whom you can confide in, or if you are too emotionally overwhelmed from the inside, write a farewell letter to the deceased. In it you can tell about what is happening to you now, how you are suffering, how you are living it sorrow You can ask for forgiveness if you feel guilty about the deceased. Then you can burn this letter and dispel it in the place where you both were once good. To ease your state of mind, you can keep a diary. It is very important to keep this diary. Perhaps someday you will be able to pass it on to a person who finds himself in a similar situation, and your experience will help him a lot. © The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko /

FAIRNESS AND TIMELINESS

There are two important factors that play a role in accepting a fact. death of a loved one: fairness and timeliness in relation to death.
The existential tragedy of a person is that he realizes that he will someday die, and all of him will die. close. Death It is natural for old people, it is natural for children to bury their elderly parents, especially if they have been seriously ill for a long time. Such death experienced much easier than the departure of a young person in the prime of life or a child. Where is the justice here? All the laws of life are violated and of death... What if the whole family suddenly dies by accident? To accept such an unfair and untimely death extremely difficult. Close deceased or deceased it is very difficult to come to terms with a sudden, unfair death of a person, who did nothing wrong and had his whole life ahead of him.
Often only through long-term work with psychologist oh to a person who has suffered a similar loss maybe survive sorrow and be reborn to life.

REVIVAL

When the soul suffered for of death, the mourning is over, the time comes to revive your life. Death is an inevitable part of life, without of death life would be impossible. Having gone through despair, emptiness, rage, apathy, depression, worrying loss, a person is faced with the need to find a new meaning in his life, to learn to receive joy and pleasure. The departed appears in the memory in the form of a bright image, the memories of him are sad, sometimes with humor, but without the previous excruciating pain and despair. It's time to get a taste of your own life. You know well what it is death... You understand that sooner or later you will die. It is necessary to realize the value of life, and to feel its fullness right now, without postponing for the future.
1. Go out of town, to nature alone. Plunge into the beauty of forests, lakes, rivers, fields. Behold, taste the smells, feel the roughness of the tree bark, not as an outside observer, but as a part of nature. Observe spiders, ants, birds, animals not from the position of man as "Measures of all things", but from the position of the same death leg, like all other animals, the same child of nature.
2. Get actively involved in life. Take up the business that you have long dreamed of doing, but put off: dancing, playing a musical instrument, botany, floristry, caring for animals and horse riding, sports, pottery, embroidery, travel, etc. This can become your hobby.
3. Do not refuse your friends and girlfriends when they are trying to get you somewhere. Communication, new relationships are necessary and therapeutic for you now. If you feel guilty before the deceased, write him a letter of repentance, make up for it with good deeds in front of others. Until you forgive yourself– you will not be able to continue to live fully.
4. Help others, try to do good deeds and on trifles (say hello in stores, smile often, give up seats to those in need of transport, help a person with poor vision to navigate when choosing products in a store, etc.). Thinking about others, listening to those in need, lending a helping hand, you forget about yourself. Having become a volunteer, you can constantly feel your need for people, that you are not living in vain, like a drone, burning your life. Think how many people need your help now!
5. Consider in advance how you will spend anniversaries and memorable dates. Don't be alone these days. Ask someone to be with you on such days, to go together to memorable places and talk, talk, talk about their feelings, life, about this deceased person.
6. Every day, discover something new in the ordinary, go headlong into work. There is nothing better for restoring mental strength when sorrow more than creativity and all-consuming work. Hippotherapy will help to distract from pain, to find something attractive in this world.
7. Plan for the present and the future. Dream. This is very difficult, because now your dreams will not be associated with a dear but deceased person. But the task for your will is to discover new facets of life, from which you can get pleasure and joy.
8. Rest, get enough sleep, make sure that there are no great stressful and psycho-emotional stress. Take care of your health. Your revival also depends on the state of the nervous system and physical health. Try to look good and keep fit.
9. Remember that art works in many ways to deal with emotional turmoil. It is better if you spend your free evening or weekend not in a bar, but at an art exhibition, in a theater or in a conservatory. Movies provide a great way to respond to emotions. Watch a movie where the hero, albeit suffering, still gets out of a difficult life situation. Also, Soviet comedies help to find mental stability and balance. Don't forget to listen to music and songs that make you feel good.

HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD COVER THE LOSS OF A LOVE PERSON

When a child dies close person, relatives often face a dilemma: whether or not to tell the child that his father or mother, grandmother or grandfather has died. Maybe it’s better to write a story about the sudden disappearance of a significant person for the child without a trace in order to protect him from experiences? Answer psychologist ov to this question is unambiguous: “It is necessary to inform the child that close died, and do not deceive. " Each child has their own ideas about of death, sometimes they are extremely primitive, because the topic of death often banned, adults talk very little about it with children. If the child has questions about what is death how he died close what will happen to him later, etc., it is necessary to answer each of them, but the information must be conveyed selectively, calmly, based on the child's age perception. This information should be such as not to scare the child. For example, to tell that trouble happened, dad died, he was hit by a car, his soul flew away and meet with God, dad's soul will watch us and become your Guardian Angel, we will say goodbye to his body, there is no longer a soul in it, thanks to which a person lives. After the funeral, his body will dissolve into the earth and become part of the earth. We will never forget about him and will always look after his grave, light candles in the church and pray for his peace, so that God does not forget about his soul.

It is better to take a child with you to the funeral if he is over 5 years old.

It's not scary if a child sees human grief and sorrow Is an adequate response to death person. It is important for the development of the child that he is faced with exactly the appropriate reactions. It is better if the child has the opportunity to attend not all funerals (funeral service, farewell, burial, commemoration), but partially at each of these stages with the opportunity to relax (it is better not to attend the funeral). An adult should be with the child at all times and support him, answering all the questions that arise (selectively submitting information). Give him the opportunity to cry, not soothing, but accepting his grief.

Feel free sorrow crying, crying and sobbing in front of a child. It is much worse when people try to hide information about of death, disguise their feelings and are hypocrites. So, they not only do not save the child from worries, but also generate in him numerous fears and anxieties. Children cannot be fooled, the child will still feel that something is wrong, that adults are deceiving him and hiding the truth, and then he will stop trusting people. Surely someone will sooner or later tell him what really happened. And then, it will already be a real, hard-hitting blow. © The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko /

Children do not have such a hard perception of death like adults, life is endless for them. Death of a loved one it is much easier for them to accept with the correct behavior of adults than to feel that close person suddenly, for no reason, disappeared and left him. The conclusions that the child will make for himself are as follows: everyone means close person can suddenly take and disappear like that, the world is unsafe, people cannot be trusted. Fears and anxieties, often unfounded, will remain in his life for many years.

Write a farewell letter to the deceased with the child, let the child draw a drawing for him. Attach the drawing to the letter. Tell your child that whenever he is sad, he can draw a picture for the deceased. A selection of drawings, the toy can then be taken to the grave together.

In a situation of death children often become taciturn, withdraw into themselves. Invite your child to draw, hook into a conversation. Be there, support, talk.

Death of a man takes with him a part of his personality close. Grief and the pain is so intense that it cannot be dealt with. Feelings that suffering will be endless. However, to live sorrow, without hiding from him, without drowning the pain, without rushing things, is necessary. Then there will be a chance for the revival of one's own personality and perception of a dear, beloved, close, dead human like a bright image in your memory.

In the life of every person, sooner or later, this day comes - the day of death of a loved one, dear person. This loss is so severe that it leaves indelible scars on the soul. Our memory constantly returns to that day and brings more suffering and pain. Tears flow both inward and outward, life loses all meaning, the desire to do something disappears.

The greater the degree of closeness of the deceased and his influence on the life of the grieving person, the more difficult it is to come to terms with the loss. Fundamental changes in the way of life are coming, and every thing will serve as a reminder. Coping with your feelings alone is sometimes not possible. Help in this case can be provided by relatives or a qualified psychologist, psychotherapist.

What determines the severity of experiences

All people react differently to the loss of loved ones. An important role in this is played by the nature of the relationship with the deceased. Normal grief is experienced by those people who were on good terms with the deceased. The response to stress can be acute and painful, but after a while, a person resigns himself to the loss and begins to live fully on. But if the relationship was bad, accompanied by quarrels, resentments, innuendo and misunderstanding, then the experience is much stronger. It goes on increasing every day, slowly but surely.

The grieving person begins to twist their relationship in their thoughts more and more often, trying to understand where he was wrong and why they never managed to make peace. Over time, a persistent feeling of guilt and remorse can form for what was never said and done.

The age hierarchy also affects the acuteness of feelings. The younger the deceased, the stronger the feeling of grief and sorrow will be. We have been preparing for the death of grandparents and parents since childhood. I mean, over the years we begin to understand more and more clearly that they are likely to leave before us. This is life, and we come to terms with it easier.

When death overtakes one of the spouses, the bitterness of loss is experienced more sharply. Firstly, they were close in soul and body, lived side by side for many years. Secondly, they could not guess who would die earlier, because the age difference is insignificant. The biggest grief was and remains - the loss of children. In this case, the unspoken law of nature is violated, which says that those who were born earlier should leave first. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that a child has died, who would still live and live.

An equally important role in the experience of loss is played by the nature of death, that is, it was sudden or expected. Emotional preparedness is essential for a calmer, more adequate acceptance of loss. It is formed due to the realization that the person will soon be gone. This happens, for example, when a serious illness or deep old age overtakes. Surely, each of us has in stock words that we are unable to utter at the moment. They are usually put off for later. If you do not have time to pronounce them, then they will remain hanging on your soul with a heavy burden of innuendo. This happens if loved ones leave suddenly. The effect of surprise with fear and fear is also superimposed.

The acuteness of the experience can be influenced by the cause of death. The more unpredictable it is, the more terrible and painful it is. Previous experience of loss plays a role in the experience. From time to time a person learns to better cope with his grief, he is familiar with this feeling and knows how to behave better.

Normal and pathological forms of grief

Feeling grief, depression, longing, sadness is as normal as feeling joy and happiness. The main thing is that the depressing emotions are not too long, otherwise they will begin to destroy the human psyche.

Normally, the experience of losing a loved one lasts about one year, which can be figuratively divided into several periods. The first period is the news of death. Lasts from a few minutes to several days. At this time, a person may be in a state of numbness, shock. The mind does not want to believe in the death of a loved one. The second period can be called the search phase. Duration up to 3 - 4 weeks.

A person tries to find the deceased in his memories, as before he waits for his arrival, news, phone call, looking out for similar faces in the crowd. The third period is associated with the greatest suffering and lasts up to 7 weeks. At this time, the person comes to the realization that everything is irrevocable. And finally, the fourth period is mourning and a gradual return to normal life. Lasts up to a year.

It is believed that during this time a person goes through the entire life cycle alone, without the deceased, learns to cope without him. After that, the departed takes a special place in the soul, and thoughts about him cease to be so sad and sad as before.

But sometimes the process of mourning is disturbed and over time it can only intensify. This can be indicated by experiences that have lasted for many years, mental disorders, imbalance and intemperance in relation to others. A person can lose a lot of weight or, conversely, gain weight dramatically.

In severe cases, there may be a persistent craving for alcohol, thoughts of suicide. In such a position, a person needs help, even if he thinks differently. Support from relatives and friends is important.

A person requires increased attention during the period of experience of loss. He needs to speak out, hear advice and words of support. Here, only sometimes the first period is delayed, a person is in a state of shock for a long time and cannot fully comprehend and believe in what happened. Therefore, he does not always go to frank conversations, he closes himself, moves away from everyone. One should approach him very delicately, one should not immediately try to get into his soul. The main thing is to be more close to him.

If you have a personal experience of loss, then you can tell the person about it, how you dealt with this, how you felt. This will help him understand that he is not the only one experiencing such strong emotions. A psychologist can also cope with the problem, a specialist knows well which side to approach a person, with which words to start a conversation. It will help you find the strength to return to a fulfilling life.

You need to be strong and remember that there will always be someone for the sake of whom it is still worth living, with whom you want to rejoice, share impressions and feelings.