The husband fell in love with another. what should I do? how to behave with him? how to return? and is it possible? What to do if the husband says he loves another woman Make the husband fall in love

After several years of marriage, romantic dating, kissing, and hugging tend to be habitual. How to return the "taste" of relationships and help your husband to see an attractive woman in you again, AiF.ru told psychologist Elena Tsedova.

1. Praise the man

Learn to express gratitude to your spouse. Any man wants recognition from his woman, wants to hear: “What a fine fellow you are. I am proud of you!". There is no need to compare him with others. A loved one should read the information every day that you have chosen the best man in the world - his.

The spouse is simply obliged to give such emotional support, then she will receive attention in return. The exchange of energies and feelings begins with us, dear women. When a wife does not give her husband joy, happiness, delight, he automatically stops giving her emotions in return. Remember once and for all that the original source is a woman. If you want to have gifts, flowers, kisses, hugs - pay attention to the man. Never lower the degree of importance of your chosen one.

2. Think back to the past

A thing called “ours” helps to restore old emotions. All people who have been married for a certain amount of time always have something “ours”: our restaurant, our film, etc. “Ours” are moments that unite spouses and which only two people know about. The more you remember such things (visit), the better. Just ask you not to confuse "our" with the first store, where you walked together for 8 hours in search of wallpaper. You need to remember the pleasant things that gave you good emotions. You are driving past the stop, under which you once stood and kissed in your youth, remind your husband about this: "Do you remember ...". At this moment, a man may have memories of how good he was then, and he will transfer them into real life.

In the evening you can watch a movie from the category of "ours" and smoothly translate it into such a pleasant emotion in sex. For many couples, intimacy translates into marital duty. It is not right. It's good when sex happens on an emotional upsurge. But it is definitely not a good idea to overuse and use "your movies and places" tricks every day for good sex.

3. Take care of yourself

It is no secret that the appearance of his companion is very important to a man. Looking at her, he understands how the woman treats him. Often wives (especially those with many years of experience) walk around the house in some kind of stretched clothes, terrible dressing gowns, etc. But when the same woman needs to go out, she chooses a wardrobe, does her hair and preens for half a day. A man understands this situation in his own way: for me, she puts on a stretched T-shirt, but for someone else, she dresses like a beauty queen.

There are two simple rules for dressing at home. First: at home you can look sexy (short robes, light T-shirts and shorts), if the couple lives together and the situation allows. Second: the clothes should be such that right now (purely hypothetically) you can go out in them, and you would not be ashamed. Nobody says that you need to walk around the apartment wearing makeup, styling and wearing a dress with a train. No, you just have to look nice and tidy. There is no need to wind any "muzzles" of dirty hair on your head. Make a braid, a tail. You need to make it clear to your man that you are watching yourself and doing it for him.

Speaking about appearance, of course, one cannot fail to say about the weight of a woman, which often begins to grow immediately after the wedding. It has been proven that men do not see excess weight if it does not exceed 7 kilograms. If the number is higher, then the husband will notice your new (not always appetizing) forms. The fact that you pull on leopard underwear on your 90-kilogram body will not change anything. You will not become attractive to your loved one. So take care of yourself. And in no case should you say and even think in the key: "Yes, I weigh 200 kilograms, but my husband weighs even more." You need to start with yourself, and then, you see, the spouse will catch up.

4. Take a break from children and relatives

It is necessary to take a break from children, close relatives, pets, etc. Falling in love with a wife again against the background of a large family is simply impossible. People should spend time together and communicate on topics that concern both of them, without affecting everything in the world.

And you also need to be able to competently rest from each other! There is such a concept - "30 minutes of silence". My husband came, he was tired, he didn’t want to talk. Don't touch him. When a man is stressed, he is silent, unlike a woman, first he needs to think. Leave him alone. You can also go about your business in different rooms. Such rest is also needed, because people get tired of each other.

5. Take the initiative

Many men think they are loved when having sex with them. Moreover, in the case when a woman herself calls her husband for intimacy, she takes the initiative. This is very important for the stronger sex. And then draw your own conclusions ...

6. Part for a while

Parting for a while is a very dangerous thing, although in some cases it is effective, because it is at this moment that a man may (or may not) realize that his spouse is really important to him. You should not take such a step at the time of the complete collapse of the relationship, since the man is going through a week, and for the second he will understand how good he is without you. And this means only one thing - a divorce. If a wife constantly prohibits everything to her beloved, then he will be very good at only one thing: he wanted - he drank beer with friends, watched football, etc. And food can always be ordered, so he will not grieve for a long time. Parting for a while will play a cruel joke with you if there is even a grain of doubt that your husband will be better off without you than with you.

7. Go to a new location

Oddly enough, a joint vacation helps to renew relationships, and not a separate one, as many experts advise. A man's brain is so arranged that in another territory he wants his woman much more than in a familiar environment. At the same time, it is better to spend a joint vacation not at your favorite dacha (place, hotel). Better to change the country, the hotel - everything is cardinal! It excites the man.

Another important nuance. The new environment will be useful only if you yourself relax and let your man do it. The vacation should take place in an atmosphere of absolute relaxation. There is no need to discuss children, problems, work and other "pleasant" topics. And after returning home, it is better from the first day not to plunge into the "all bad" of everyday life, but to try to prolong the pleasant aftertaste of the vacation.

In the paragraph about rest, I would like to note such a thing as the ability to leave the comfort zone, it can also be useful. Let's say you are used to going on vacation to five-star hotels, which means it's time to remember about hiking. There must be something that "knocks" you out of your usual life. You can choose kayaking or hiking in the mountains, joint overcoming of difficulties unites people even more.

8. Fight the daily routine

Change your dating concept. Have you been dining by candlelight for ten years? Say goodbye to this habit. For example, prepare sandwiches and go to the forest for a picnic in the morning, exchange a romantic dinner for a romantic breakfast. What does not bother you, does not give new emotions - you need to change!

Love ... How many sonnets have been written about it, how many songs have been composed, how many films, books and other works of art have been created. Yes, and in real life, each of us at least once in his life, but experienced this painfully sweet feeling. Although, according to many psychologists, if love makes a person suffer and commit rash acts, then this is not love at all, but a kind of substitute - love or passion. expressed in the fact that even if a loved one loves another, it does not hurt. On the contrary, there is a desire to sincerely rejoice for both ... and let them go in peace.

Like a dream

In general, of course, it is not easy for a person in love to distinguish love from blind love. When two are together, they feel good, when they are filled with bright hopes, when in the truest sense of the word they cannot breathe on each other, hardly any of them thinks about the difference.

And it certainly is. Falling in love can be compared to a dream, magical and pleasant. I wish that it never ends, but, alas, this does not happen.

Awakening

"The love boat crashed against everyday life," Mayakovsky sighed. Yes, it happens. It is only in books that lovers maintain a reverent attitude towards each other throughout their lives, in fact, everything is a little different. Even the strongest feelings sometimes cool down, and some kind of epiphany or awakening occurs. Psychologists speak out more categorically, calling this moment a period of crisis or "grinding". Alas, it is at this time that a woman can suddenly feel and understand that she loves another.

What happened?

The beautiful half of humanity asks itself such a question more than once, furtively glancing in the mirror.

Everything seems to be in order: there are no extra centimeters at the waist, the hairstyle and inconspicuous makeup are present, the wardrobe, including the intimate one, is regularly updated. So why do alarms ring out in the mind every now and then? Why do scary thoughts come up every now and then that your beloved boyfriend is in love with another? And let the friends offer to "score" and "not to steam" - who, if not us, know and feel that the beloved and the only one has become completely different?

Changes

No, he still calls us on a date, still brings gifts, still invites us to a weekend somewhere out of town. It just seems that between the two lovers, who seemed to understand each other at a glance a few weeks ago, a wall has grown that is getting thicker and thicker.

A beloved loves another - the woman understands, feeling that a little more, and this invisible wall will become so thick that they will hardly hear it, even if it breaks open He becomes more and more irritable, he increasingly needs solitude, and in the end he moves away so much that she would rather spend the weekend alone than in the company of a man who acts as if he is serving a duty.

"I'm guilty ..."

"He loves another," - an unpleasant thought persistently beats in the mind, and, as often happens during neurosis, the more we drive it away from ourselves, the more it sticks to us. In the end, we too become irritable, suspicious and whiny.

A man, for whom, as you know, women's tears are like a rag for a bull, and already feeling guilty, is irritated in response. Here comes the quarrel. The last one? Hardly. A man is a rational creature, even burning out of painful love for another woman, he can torment himself and both ladies in love with him for years. As for his unfortunate passion, she, having expressed to the tormentor everything that she thinks, painfully begins to look for flaws in herself. The most offensive thing is that while it is not known who the happy rival is, it is impossible to understand what advantages she has and what needs to be changed in herself.

Searching of decisions

When a loved one loves another and does not hide it, the most important thing is not to panic and not throw tantrums. Although, given that women are emotional beings, this is perhaps the most difficult thing. It should be remembered that since he is still here and has not gone anywhere, it is necessary to remain calm. This is necessary for both, since only in a calm state can an adequate solution be found. As for the unfaithful lover, then, without hearing screams and reproaches, without seeing tears and a swollen face that once seemed to him the most beautiful in the world, he will be able to put his thoughts and feelings in order and understand what he really wants.

The decision to find out who the opponent is by all means is not the best. Firstly, this is a waste of time, and secondly, not having the skills of Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes, it is quite difficult not to puncture and not give yourself away during surveillance. And yes it does. If a loved one loves another girl, he turns into a real jealous person in relation to his own person and carefully protects his personal space. If a mobile phone, left on the edge of the table, is shifted to the side by a millimeter, this, perhaps, will not raise unpleasant questions like: "What did you take?" But the thought that in his short absence a passion, which clearly guesses something, could either read the incoming SMS, or write out several numbers unfamiliar to her, will flash in his head. And this means that the defense will be strengthened, the invisible wall will become wider, and in addition to everything, he will dig a mental ditch.

What to do?

But some young ladies, despite the risk, still manage to recognize the "enemy" by sight. So, when it becomes known that a loved one loves another, what to do is not entirely clear.

The whole strategy that was developed until the moment of truth collapses, hands give up, and one wants to - either kill both, or break with the traitor and traitor forever. Looking at them, happy, laughing, he absolutely does not want to go to the store for a new "outfit", which he will certainly like. I don’t want to change my hairstyle, I don’t want to improve in cooking: why, when next to him she, who is not only younger or prettier, but simply different ...

By the way, a common mistake of many women is to believe that if a loved one loves another, she, this other, is certainly better in something. Yes, of course, sometimes it really happens that a man runs away from his passion to the one that does not saw him, does not hang on him, does not require attention. But it is not uncommon for a previously tender and loyal friend to go to another woman simply because she is completely different from his ex-lover. Unfortunately, there is hardly anything to help here. And it makes sense to return to the concepts of love and being in love. If he really loved, he would hardly be drawn to the side in search of new sensations. If she truly loved, she would not have the desire to follow her beloved and torment him with her jealousy. Although, of course, to some extent, love is selfish.

"Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

When an unmarried couple breaks up, the breakup can be dealt with without much complication. Yes, it hurts, but, in the end, this is not the end of the world, and is it worth holding on to a person who betrayed and trampled on bright feelings? And there is no guarantee that the woman in love will be happy with him. After all, as you know, the boomerang always returns, and "who betrayed once - will betray again." It's another matter when it's different.

Here, especially when there are children in the family, a real tragedy can happen. However, given that life with a disgusted (yes, let's call things by their proper names) spouse, even for the sake of children, will not be a joy to her, or to the unfaithful spouse, or, of course, feeling that something is wrong at home for the children, it is hardly it will benefit the latter. As practice shows, children growing up in a nervous environment, witnessing family quarrels, even in a complete family, can become overgrown with complexes and phobias. Therefore, wouldn't it be better either to let your beloved spouse go free swimming, or to offer him some time to live separately? A man, no matter how much he is in love with another, is strongly attached to the family. This is genetically inherent, and there is no getting away from it. Having walked on the side, maybe even more than one month, he will be able to appreciate the home and the benevolent wife, who, provided that she can understand and forgive, is always ready to accept the prodigal husband back.

The husband loves another. Do I need to get a divorce? Psychologist's advice and recommendations.

Got married…. I thought marriage was perfect. Not everything turned out as smoothly as you thought! Anything happens…. Your spouse gave his heart to another woman. You, helplessly, with all your strength, shout: "I will not give it up" .... Late! And it's not your fault at all that this is how it all happened.

What should I do? The husband fell in love with another woman.

Do not blame the man that he stopped loving you. A beaten, but very true expression: "you cannot order your heart." This expression is not a medicine, nor is it a "lifeline." It, simply, reflects a clear sense of the harsh reality. Do you think you read it and resigned yourself? This is cowardice! Be brave if you want to try to change something in a “winning” direction. The question "what to do?" overpowers your brain. You need to act!

And the actions are quite simple:

Action one- talk. And serious, detailed, and not so gentle and affectionate, creating the illusion that nothing happened. Construct the conversation so that it does not "float" beyond the framework of politeness and tact. Do not allow scandalous tones, obscene expressions, insults and reproaches. Allow yourself to do something like that - the conversation is "aim" for failure and failure.

Second action Is a clever trick. With the help of such a "weapon" try to find out from him, carefully, what attracted your husband to another woman, why he cooled down to you. Avoid, in questions, rudeness and excessive persistence! This is a hindrance to your further frank conversation.

Act three- an attempt to become better than you are now. No one doubted and does not doubt that you are the best. But even ideality, sometimes, should be given at least a little bit to the "correction". You can imagine that this step is a kind of decoration for your personality and your inner world.

Your little eyes lit up with sparks of joy…. The cilia become more magnificent from the taste of the born hope…. Don't lose it until the last second! Fight. Even if it seems to you that hope has completely died, resurrect it with an explosion of optimism. The options for action did not help, hope died - do not let optimism and the meaning of life die. They are yours at the moment of "amorous difficulties". What advice can they give you? Much. It is quite possible that you will not like this "much" at all. But advice is advice: you can listen to him, but not do as he tells you. All the charm of any advice "breathes" with this.

WITH First advice! Let go. Even if you don’t forgive, let it go. You know…. Men are, at times, "boats" that are eager to set sail.

WITH second advice! Abstract yourself. There are billions of millions of ways of abstraction. The figure is exaggerated, but the emotions in it are over the edge. Let's go through the methods to "calm down", a little bit, emotions. You can, for example, hang out with your friends, go to the club. The effect is short-lived, but tangible. Cinema, theater "bring". Take with you those people who share your "passion" for this kind of art. Music is an option - what you need! But listen to music that does not "evoke" melancholy and sadness. Take a ride, extreme, with a breeze, on a bike, on rides, on a motorcycle. In general, it doesn't matter what it will be. Your main goal is to leave, for about thirty minutes, into the "adrenaline world".

WITH Third Council! Erase from the memory of the traitor! Give me a divorce. It's hard, morally, but…. If you do not take such a step, you will make yourself even more painful. "Erasing" your man, from memory, will be incredibly slow, almost "motionless". But you will pass such a test. This will help you live a bright future, not suffering from the past.

WITH The fourth council! Do not arrange any showdowns with the one to whom your betrothed has "donated" the heart. You will not change anything, for the better, with these tricks. You don't want to be hated by the one you love…. Don't incite hatred.

WITH The fifth advice! Find all the most “malicious” flaws in your husband, who is now “enemy number one”. Imagine that flaws are a coloring book from your distant childhood. And "color" them as it is useful for you, that is, in a light favorable to you. If earlier, before the occurrence of such a situation, you considered him a little selfish - “repaint” this lack in super selfishness. Work, thus, all-all of his "imperfections" that you managed to notice during communication, acquaintance, relationships and living with him.

Has the bouquet of tips wilted? Have you decided that none of them suits you at all? Love another! Deal with the "traitor" as he did with you. If you can do this, you will throw off the heavy burden of your own torment. Just don't give up right away. Check the option, and do not persist, persistently that you should not try, because nothing will come of it. You are the laboratory of your destiny. Start experimenting!

Pain will creep into your soul - shake it off into your diary, into your blog, onto a piece of paper, into a notebook, into a notebook. The choice is yours. Write whatever you think, what you feel. If you want - tear it, written, to shreds. Then - glue, if you understand that you did it wrong. The paper doesn't know what pain is. You will give her intimate lines - in return, she will help you save yourself from increased depression, or any other unpleasant state. By the way, if one of the conditions appears, scare it away, or ignore it. Be a hundred times stronger than the state that torments and depress you.

If you “turn off” the concentration on your grief, you will understand and realize that you are not the only one on planet Earth. And those others live with a problem that is analogous to yours. Note: they live! They continue to live. What prevents you from following their wonderful and correct example? Uncooled love? Well, so all those who experience the same as you have it. Wanting to return everything? Desire, unfortunately, may not always coincide with the possibilities.

M dinner is not the “subject” that you should allow to “kill” the personality in you! Stay and be yourself. If your beloved is gone, another love awaits you ahead….

Continuation. ... ...

The husband fell in love with another. -

Ksenia: Hello. I have been reading your heading and your advice for a long time. And, to be honest, I did not think that I would ever need support and help. And yet it is so.
Here's my story. My husband and I are the same age, we are 42 years old, we have been living together for 19 years. We have two wonderful children: a 17-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old son. I can't say that we lived badly, although everything happened. And we lived in material terms, until recently, rather modestly. In the last 3 years, the situation has improved: we changed our apartment, went abroad, bought a car. And quite recently my husband bought a cell phone and a jeep (although I was against the jeep - the old car was fine with us). It would seem - live and rejoice.
But two weeks ago, trouble hit me - my husband said that he fell in love with a girl 22 years ago, fell in love the first time and hopes to live with her for the rest of his life, and that this is his fate and, most likely, he will leave if I I'll kick him out. More precisely, he was forced to say under my pressure, because I felt that something was happening with us, but I did not even suspect that all this was so scary for me.
He has a computer at work and at home, and he used to have something like virtual novels, he loves chatting and chatting on ICQ. And that was a blow below the belt for me. I immediately told him that a month is nothing compared to 19 years old, and that he needs time to figure everything out on his own, and I don't drive him away. Moreover, at this time he did not yet have an intimate relationship with her, and she refused to live with him in the apartment, which he agreed to rent for them.
Since then, my life has become a constant pain. Almost every evening after work and until early morning he spends with her: he drives to the cinema, restaurants, nightclubs, and I struggle with insomnia almost unsuccessfully. Sometimes he spends evenings with his family: if you need to sleep or her evening is busy with friends.
The first week I lived like in a nightmare: I could neither eat, nor sleep, nor do work. I visited a psychotherapist, she listened to my story. Briefly her opinion: the boy grew up with a strong mother, then ended up with a strong wife (my husband is a very gentle and kind person), and when some money appeared, a phone-jeep, he felt that he grew out of short pants and became a Man, and now he needs the girl who thinks he is strong.
She advised me not to make volitional decisions (that is, not to kick out), so that he did it himself (that is, leave), and for a while hang like a pendulum without swinging in any direction. She advised not to find out who the girl was, but to behave as if she was not between us and to prepare for suffering, there was no escape from them. All this was said based on my goal to keep my family together.
Another week has passed since then. It’s still very hard for me. I tried, to the best of my ability, to adhere to these recommendations. We went to the cinema with him, to visit relatives and friends. When he is with her, I try to spend more time with my friends, I began to study English. If I manage to distract myself from sad thoughts for at least an hour, I consider it a small victory. My husband is still very dear to me, and it is difficult for me to get rid of emotional dependence on him. I try to learn to live without him, I have my children, girlfriends, mom, favorite job. I think that in time everything will work out for me, but deep down I still hope that he will still choose me.
At first I thought it was all frivolous. I tried my best to distract him from her, I thought what would happen. While everything is useless, if he is with me, his thoughts are far away. Nevertheless, he is not leaving me yet, he is in a state of uncertainty: they are not being driven out of the house, and they do not want to live with him on the other side. It is not easy for him either, I have noticed many times that my husband deliberately provokes a quarrel with me, apparently hoping that I will not stand it and will kick him out myself. So far I have managed to stay calm.
I began (on the advice of a psychotherapist) preparing a marriage agreement for the division of property and an agreement for the payment of child support. My husband and I discussed the projects, and I hope that in the near future we will sign everything at the notary.
How long can I still wait for his decision - I do not know, my nerves are already at the limit, I am very tired. More and more often the thought comes to mind - is it worth it? I haven’t said anything to the children yet, it’s a blow for them. I tend to think that the girl is just taking advantage of his money and attention. Maybe I'm wrong - and this is Love?
I would be very grateful for the support and responses to my letter. Perhaps someone has already been in a similar situation and successfully resolved it. Ksenia. Olga-WWWoman: Hello Ksenia!

The psychotherapist does not eat his bread for nothing :-) More precisely, you cannot say ... What can I say based on my own experience and observation of other people's situations from the outside? Most then return repentant. Because THERE, as a rule, is not at all what a mature, intelligent and decent man dreamed of for family life. When his blinders fall from his eyes, he will want to return to his old life - reliable, faithful, proven over the years. And children: the son is still a child, his conscience will torture him, he will also start drinking, God forbid,.
The only question is: will you accept it back or not. Many do not accept - not out of principle, but simply cannot forgive betrayal, selfishness, pain inflicted on themselves and children.
Once he said, it means he is serious. Let it go, it’s useless to hold it anyway. I know a case when a mother lay down on the threshold and begged her son not to leave his family with children, but he stepped over his mother and left. In another case, the husband returned to his wife to ask back, because he found his "Dulcinea", to whom he left, kissing another, - he washed down, humiliated himself, asked to forgive and accept, but his wife did not forgive, he visited her, made friends, talked ( many mutual acquaintances, work, friends, children), but she did not allow touching herself - she could not, she cut off, apparently everything, burst into tears, burned out.
The girl is comfortable, she is exchanging her youth for a beautiful life. He is the buyer, she is the seller. If he goes to her, then, most likely, he will repent. A decent girl will not take a married woman away from the family, and a smart one will not. Predatory egoist - will go over the heads.
Ask him a question: if tomorrow he went broke (God forbid) would she love him and meet? This is a very important point. He went through everything with you - both poverty and difficulties, and with it? Or does he realize that he was striving for wealth also in order to have young girls? Well, then, in general, she is not your rival, he just bought himself a new toy and cannot get enough of it. Treat with understanding (this will not add respect to him, but try). Will play enough and return.
Well, if there is a woman who can become his loyal friend, prove her love to him by deed, if you have broken psychological contact with him, if you are given different souls and views, then she may not return.
I want to warn you: the most dangerous thing is to expel. Then you will regret, and most importantly, he will regret later. If you are sure that you are even better without him - then, of course, take the opportunity and chop. After all, don't you understand that he gives you a great chance to change your life? Why don't you meet the young man too? There will be an incentive to be irresistible, new feelings will appear and your mood will improve.
You now have a goal - to prepare for life without a husband and try to get the most out of this situation for yourself. I give you a month to cry, and then start a new life. And the husband will return faster, and you will prove to yourself that you are worth something. And an emotional connection is common. Nothing, you can handle it, I believe in it. Fight fire with fire. I understand, you are all so faithful, devoted, no one is needed .... NECESSARY! Otherwise, he will think so: she is not going anywhere with her two children - it will not work with a young one, I can always return.
And you give him - active preparation for divorce, excellent mood, sparkle in the eyes and absence from home in the evenings for or without reason. And no joint exits. What for? Why do you need to create visibility? He will think that you are clinging at least to the status of your wife. Don't be afraid of what people will say. Be careful not to slip into humiliation and handouts.
So tell him: great, I am no longer your woman, and you are not my man (let him tell about fairy tales that there were no kisses and closeness in kindergarten). You yourself gave up on me, you chose another. Your right. Now you are on your own, I am on my own.
Divide everything equally, and tell the children: Daddy doesn't need us anymore. Otherwise, he hopes that you and the children will smooth everything out for him, and driven to hysteria, you will help him leave, and then, sitting by the window, you will faithfully wait for him. Let him go - but YOURSELF. In the meantime, buy yourself some new things (this will shake him up), and start a new personal life with a cheerful look. To get started, sign up for a driving course. Your goal is a car, a new friend, a sparkle in your eyes. They do not necessarily love the young, they love the victorious and those who know their own worth.
I wish you good luck!!! Ksenia: Good afternoon, Olga! Thank you very much for your help and support. I have re-read your letter many times at a particularly difficult moment. Over the past week after your letter in my life and mood there have been some changes for the better :) You gave me a month to cry, I used no more than 10 days, then began to act. Firstly, I was able to sign a marriage contract with him at a notary public in terms of the division of property in the event of a divorce and an alimony agreement for the payment of money in a certain amount for my son (you understand that the official earnings of businessmen are ridiculous, and alimony with them, even more so). Unfortunately, he flatly refused to do the same for his 17-year-old daughter. (I was counting on help until the child graduates from the university, she is now in her first year). The psychotherapist advised me to do all this as soon as possible in a personal conversation, while he (the husband) is in the stage of spiritual recovery, these chores took me at least a week.
And I also did something that neither you nor my therapist would praise me for. I managed to figure out the girl. Of course, I didn't follow anyone, I didn't check my pockets, I didn't call my husband's friends. I just used some information (I will not go into details). My husband was careful for a long time, but he made one mistake and I figured it out even faster than I expected).
Then everything is simple: I asked my 2 acquaintances to go to the company where she works, one just talked to her, and the other took some photos (imperceptibly). She turned out to be a rather discreet girl, dressed more than modestly (her husband claimed that she was just a beauty). After that, I calmed down and removed these photos from sight forever.
I understand that this should not have been done. Nevertheless, I was pleased with the result - I was in a good mood all day, and I occupied my time not with tears and sad thoughts, but with an analysis of what was happening. In parallel with these classes, I actively communicate with my friends, restore connections (in terms of communication) with male friends and acquaintances, I try to spend more time in public, now I rarely spend the evening at home.
Now about my husband and our relationship. For about 3 weeks I did not drive him out of the house, gave him time to make a decision, tried to surround him with attention and care, we had wonderful sex. I certainly wanted him to prefer me to her. And by the end of 3 weeks (this Saturday), I finally discovered that, in general, he settled down quite well: in the morning comes satisfied from a girlfriend (cinema, nightclubs, restaurants), at home - dinner, clean bed, understanding from the wife and almost complete absence of reproaches. Every man's dream! And I suffer and wait for the solution of the problem on his part in someone's favor every day. When I asked how much more time he might need, he shrugged his shoulders and said that maybe a month, maybe half a year - he doesn't know (the girl doesn't agree to live with him under the same roof yet).
I decided that I had already spent enough of my health and told him that my house was not a shelter and that if I wanted to live with my family, I had to come home no later than 9 o'clock. evening, do not call her from us and chat with her from your home computer. Of course, this did not suit him, and we decided (it was this weekend) that he was renting an apartment from Monday.
He left for more than a day, and yesterday (Sunday) unexpectedly appeared in the evening in a very depressed mood. It turned out that he spent a stormy night of love with her in a hotel, both were pleased with each other, everything was just great (this is their first night together, before that, only isolated episodes of physical intimacy). And the next day she said that the fairy tale was over, and that it was time for him to return to his family.
My husband is simply heartbroken, nevertheless, he shared with me the details of the night (apparently to hurt me) and said that it was his true love, that there was no such thing for me and that because of her he didn’t want to live, but without me it will get along pretty easily. It did not occur to him to ask me for forgiveness, on the contrary, in his revelations he tried to hurt me more painfully. Perhaps he is not yet able to figure out what happened, or maybe in fact he is indifferent to me, I do not understand yet either.
I think that the husband's decision to leave the family pushed the girl to such a decision, because the husband would insist on living together or, at least, on regular intimate relationships on his territory, he is very persistent in his goals. And this was not part of her plans, apparently, she did not have serious views on him. Joint visits to clubs, restaurants, an expensive birthday present - yes, please, but to live together - sorry (her husband recently gave her an expensive jewelry for her birthday, but she did not invite him to a celebration with her friends - she was either ashamed of him age, or his marital status, he was very worried at home that evening).
And, in the end, the girl may change her mind and again will accept the courtship of her husband. And this, in fact, I am afraid of the most so far. I understand that my husband has already betrayed me and quite cruelly, and that the worst thing, in fact, has already happened. You need to look for support in yourself, to become more confident in yourself.
So, I summarize the disappointing results. What can I do in this situation? Tell my husband: live with us until you sort out your feelings? - no, I can’t and don’t want to, I want to feel needed and loved, now he will not give me this, and I feel emotionally devastated. I am not ready to divorce or finally part, I will suffer very much, not all feelings have died out yet. Offer him to rent an apartment and live separately? This is the most acceptable option, but there are also disadvantages here (another girl may appear).
Or try the so-called. "guest marriage" (we live separately, the marriage is formally preserved, sometimes we meet by mutual desire)? This allows everyone to have other partners, the husband is a terrible owner and will not allow me (unlike myself), and I will suffer again. Maybe there are more options, but I don't see them. I still don't know if I can make love to him at all, even if he asks for forgiveness. There is no clarity in my head yet, I have experienced too much in 3 weeks of my life, I cannot rise above the situation and soberly assess it.
I think that I still want to keep my family in full force, and like any woman, I want to be loved. I would be very grateful for your advice and help.
Regards, Ksenia
Olga-WWWoman: Hello Ksenia! Most likely, the changes in your mood did not come from my letter, but from your actions. You realized that you can reason soberly, stay on your feet in any position, and most importantly, you realized that your husband did not prefer another because she is better and younger than you, but because he is panicky afraid of old age and clings to the first girl who was do not mind accepting his payment (in the form of gifts and entertainment) for "rejuvenation".
Dear Xenia! Apparently, women are more responsible (most women, including you) and who, if not you, now soberly lead their family in the same direction. Your husband is now a capricious child in love, suffering and looking for himself in a new quality. Do not stop him from going through this period. He is sick, sick with a common disease of the forties and fifties: an attempt to restore youth and freshness of feelings.
The fact that you signed a contract well will give you confidence and peace of mind, the fact that you have learned that his passion is nothing special will give you confidence in yourself as in a woman. I want to give you the confidence that you yourself should not rock the boat, into which there is already too much water. Don't rush things. As a real woman, squeeze your pain into a fist, realizing that over 20 years a person has changed so much that it is difficult to blame him for having stopped loving one and fell in love with another. What is love for men? I think they always have at least two types of love: love-respect, affection, kinship with his wife, and at the first stage - (its duration is different for each couple, for some this stage lasts a lifetime) sexual attraction. You disagree with him in the second stage. But I am sure that if you are really close people, you have children, common troubles and joys, friends, past, then he certainly loves you. But the acutely proceeding stage of sexual cooling towards you (20 years is, you yourself understand) and the desire to possess a young girl because of the outgoing youth and for other reasons, does not allow him now to realize the depth and constancy of his love for you, as for his wife, a friend, we can already say, a "relative".
Do not try to return his love-attraction now, it is unreal. Moreover, he pushed you as a woman away with his comparisons and behavior. Do not be afraid that he will find another. Define freedom in this area for both of you. This will save your family. To break is not to build. Who knows, perhaps, having returned to you completely and with a desire to start all over again, he will be grateful to you that you understood and recognized his illness, did not kick out, did not destroy the family. If you don’t want to get divorced - don’t! Only you can know what you really want: to rejoice in freedom and start a new life, providing yourself with this contract with a notary, or to forgive and keep your only beloved person next to you. If he wants to leave, try to dissuade him - gently, wisely, and if he does not leave, do not rush to issue ultimatums - now is the acute period of his "age-related illness" and is not the time to tighten the screws.
I wish you patience, endurance, be very attentive to your husband, do not break, smile and maintain dignity in any situations. Take now only comprehensively balanced decisions! He will return if you yourself try to be always the kind that they do not leave. Ksenia: Olga, good afternoon! Again I have to turn to you for support. After my last letter, there have been changes, my husband has already left our family for 3 weeks, now he rents an apartment and lives with his girlfriend. It was rather our joint decision. I felt a little better: I got rid of insomnia, stopped waiting for him at night. I still often communicate with my friends, I go to accounting courses. There are still problems with my personal life, this is not surprising, my friends say that a problem is written on my face: I'm waiting for my husband.
I try to communicate with him only if absolutely necessary, and after that I literally "shake" the whole day. He is completely happy and prosperous, he has a honeymoon, he says that this is also fate.
I understand everything with my head, that I need to get distracted, switch, that everyone has the right to happiness, I have no hatred or anger towards him or her, I do my best to come to terms with what happened, make myself believe that everything is for the best eventually. But I CAN'T close the door behind the past yet, I cannot bring myself to stop waiting for my husband in my heart, although I am not sure that I can forgive him. Is this wounded pride? I have always considered myself to be a rather strong woman, and I myself do not understand why I am still failing.
Of course, I no longer suffer from morning to evening, but not a day passes without despair or hopelessness. Maybe it takes time, maybe I'm too emotional, sometimes it seems to me that peace of mind is unattainable for me. It is the seventh week of my stress, I realize that I am losing my health. Friends say: you are free, spread your wings and fly, but I do not accept freedom and am afraid to crash on the asphalt. Then they say: well, sit, wait - a nurse will be needed by old age, and he will return. Both funny and sad, I understand that they are right. What advice can there be in my situation - only one: to pull yourself together and live YOUR life, fill it with YOUR content. Time will pass and I will get used to it, and perhaps the new life will become better than the old one. It turns out she herself wrote a letter to you, scolded herself, and gave advice herself. It turned out just a cry from the heart. It's just that now it is very difficult for me, it’s bad, my heart hurts, from which I’m trying to pull out the past. Olga-WWWoman: Ksenia, what happened happened. And this "happened" is now living its own life. And what a blessing that everything is changing, that this "happened" also does not stand still. All our depressions have their own independent lives. You never know when to let go. But you may well now pamper yourself a little, and let life return to its natural course: do only what you want. I want to cry - cry, I want to see my husband and return everything - look at it as if you had an operation, and you, with stitches - got up and went. I think you understand that everything will heal, and you will run more than ever before, but the time .... time must be taken by indulging yourself.
Not used to it? Lying mode! Not in the literal sense, but complete relaxation. Get some rest. Do only what is pleasant. Gone? What a fool ... It is still unknown how he will turn, something tells me that if you manage to break the umbilical cord and are a little selfish and start your life (full-blooded) without him, he will return a hundred times faster ... In the meantime sure you're waiting - won't come, why? He has nowhere to rush, he has a siesta ...
You cannot change. Which have. This means that there is some sense and purpose in it - in your expectation. Some lesson for you. The lesson is that you go back to what you are afraid of losing, so you, waiting statically in your place, deprive him of the incentive to return.
Do not punish yourself that there and there you could have acted differently. Life goes on as she likes, and we only use her joys or tears. When you cry - someone laughs and is happy, tomorrow - vice versa. If in life one intends not to bring harm to anyone, then this is already a worthy life. And your husband's girlfriend will still have a lot of problems for her act. But that's a completely different story ... Olga: Divorce. My experience of "getting out of the tailspin" - a response to Xenia's letter
ANNA - ANSWER TO "MY HUSBAND LOVED ANOTHER" AND "ABOUT CORKSCREW"
GAMES FOR ADULTS SERVICE OF TRUST

Have you noticed that your husband has become a stranger, cold, has stopped giving compliments and is constantly annoyed with or without? Or does he say in plain text that he no longer loves you? It's annoying, unpleasant, painful ... But we have a solution to the problem. You will find out why this could happen, whether it is worth keeping a family, what can and cannot be done for this, how to let a man go and live after a breakup. Here are the answers of the psychologist to all the exciting questions. Our advice will help you get out of the situation beautifully and, if necessary, fall out of love in return.

The unfortunate woman asks this question several times a day, looking for reasons in herself, in others or in her husband himself. It is often said that someone else's soul is darkness, and it is true: there can be a lot of subjective reasons. But there are only five main ones:

Another woman... In 90% of cases, this is the first thought that arises from the wife. And this is often the case. But rarely when men leave the family for free swimming.
The passion is over... In men, lust often borders on love, and if a wife ceases to be desirable, then feelings for her fade away.
Lowered self-esteem... A man likes to be stronger, and morally too. And if the wife removes all responsibilities from him and takes responsibility for the relationship, then the husband feels flawed and his love evaporates. You can't go too far. A helpless wife who considers herself stupid and ugly will quickly become unnecessary. Well, how to love this?
Excessive obsession... A man is a hunter, and he must maintain the alpha male brand with his wife throughout his family life. If the spouse makes it clear that she is not going anywhere, the husband becomes uninteresting.

Is it worth keeping a family

If a man is cowardly or overly responsible, then even after the extinction of feelings, he will remain in the family. Many women enjoy this, but not for long. In a family where there is no love, there is no happiness either, so it makes no sense to maintain a relationship and keep a husband even with children. The child will feel that the parents are cold to each other, and in the future he will make many mistakes when creating his family.

The family should be saved only if the woman knows how to fix the situation and is ready to do it. If there was once love, it can be revived. The ways in which you will do this depends on the reasons why your husband stopped loving you. Some need drastic changes in appearance, others need to try to change internally, and still others just need a little patience. After all, perhaps, there are still feelings, they just cooled down a little and will soon flare up with a new flame (read below how to save a family if they are not there).

What to do if a husband falls in love with another

The first rule is to get rid of panic and not cling to your husband like a straw. He should see you cold-blooded, calm, reasonable. Talk to him politely, without yelling. Say: “Dear, maybe I did something wrong, that you fell in love with another, but what happened, it cannot be avoided. I wish you happiness, and if you find him with someone else, I propose to part as friends. " Believe me, your husband expects not such words from his wife, and this will shock him, maybe even make him feel guilty.

If the husband falls in love with another woman and says that he wants to go to her, the best way out is to let him go. Because it is difficult to keep a man in love, and in trying to do this, you can fall in his eyes.

How to save a marriage if it has no feelings

If you have set yourself a goal to keep your husband and do everything so that the family does not fall apart, we offer a few tips.

What you need and can do:

Change your appearance a little... For a man, your current image (hair color, clothing style, makeup) will be associated with negativity, so you need to transform. Ideally, you need to achieve the image for which your spouse once fell in love with you. Revise your old photos and go for it.
Create a paradise at home... The husband should come home from work, as if to a fortress, meet him with a hot dinner and in a cozy atmosphere. Try to surround him with care (do not confuse it with obsession).
Become a great lover... Don't ignore sex even if you feel like you're being used. This will allow you to get closer. Offer your husband some changes in bed (new positions, toys, images) and he will look at you with different eyes.

What is not recommended:

Blackmail... This is the most useless way to keep your husband. So he will not only stop loving you, but also hate you.
Remember his betrayal... If you have already decided to keep the family, then forget about what happened (if there was a betrayal). And in any case, do not make fun of your husband, especially in front of other people.
Contact fortune-tellers... Damage to a mistress or a love spell to a husband is not the best idea. All this can work against you and harm your spouse.

Finally, give it a try with our tips. It is written here why the routine is dangerous and how to get away from it.

Very often a sign of indifference is that. Here we figured out why this can happen and what to do in such cases.

In order not to miss an important moment in life, you need to know. What will be his look, body position, facial expressions? You can find out about this from our other article.

How to let your husband go

In theory, everything is simple: psychologists say that if he fell out of love, then you need to do the same. It is difficult to kill feelings in yourself, but it is possible, and you need to try to make every effort.

No offense... Drive away negative thoughts from your head, do not regret the past years, do not complain to him about it. Blaming him and yourself for the collapse of the relationship is wrong. All this will allow you to keep in touch with your spouse after the divorce, and perhaps he will return.
Do not turn your relatives against your husband.... The sooner your environment forgives him, the less loved ones will talk about this topic. And it will be easier for you. Better yet, do not tell anyone about the problems in the family at all, they concern only its members (wife and husband).
Think about what you are grateful for... Remember the happy moments in life, look at your beautiful healthy children, realize the experience that you now have. Think only good things. He has not stolen the best years from you: they are still ahead. Be sure to say thank you to your husband for the time spent together, that it was the brightest in your life, and think the same way.

Believe me, marriage without love will be doomed. But before you put all the dots on the "and", try it for sure. Here are the main features.

How to live after breaking up

Love is gone, but life doesn't end. And on your, now ex-husband, the light did not converge like a wedge. The world is full of free beautiful men who are also in active search at the moment.

Remember: a woman will be attractive to them only when she begins to like herself. Therefore, we wipe away our tears, put on a marafet and go with our girlfriends to a cafe, to a movie or to a party.

Don't like noisy gatherings? Try it. It contains a step-by-step plan of action. Even if it doesn't work out, light, non-binding flirting will still lift your spirits and self-esteem.

It is worth weighing the pros and cons of parting with your husband, if there are more of the former, try to save the marriage.

Consultation

Hello! my situation is like this. my husband and I have been together for 14 years, 10 years this year since the wedding. loved each other. for 14 years, of course, anything has happened. swore, but there was never any talk of divorce. I trusted him as I trusted myself. did not feel any betrayal on his part. but for the last few weeks he has been coming, only to spend the night. There is a lot of type of work (the truth is, I know how he works, the place of work and I myself have been there many times), so I believed, but was slightly offended that it was really impossible to make room for us. we have two children (8 and: 5 years old) .. last Sunday was the last straw, because his work until three on Sunday is unambiguous. and arrived home at 11 pm. the next day I expressed a complaint about all this. and we had such a conversation. he fell in love and cannot live without her. half a year ago they met and it was love at first sight. they have been together for four months. meet secretly and sleep naturally. that evening he cried, said that I could not love her, but there everything is very difficult with her. and he loves me too. I was worn out all over. do not cut with passion, he said. that is, like do not drive out immediately, but think about it first ... I cried, I did not sleep all night. I’m just crushed, I don’t know what to do, what to do ... the next evening there was another conversation. he said that he would not leave her, he simply could not. that she will help me and the children, and until we fix everything in the house, she will not leave, but like she will not live with her, at least for now. maybe over time, because everything is complicated there. she is not married, young - 25 years old ... the astrologer prophesied to him that he would suffer until the end of his days and so the stars formed when they met that they could not help falling in love with each other. today is the third evening and he is not at home yet. maybe he won't come at all, I don't know. Yesterday I suggested, since such love, move to her, for now, I said no. and he also said that he had asked his acquaintances to find out about the rented apartment. wants to leave, but not to her for now ... so, what should I have not cut in the heat of the moment, if he is not going to live with us this way and that?

so I have a question, ask from the outside to see what you think about all this .. can you give any advice on how to behave with him ..

still comes home. spend the night. this morning before work he tells me: don't talk to me like that. (and I spoke to him in a calm voice, but naturally aloof and only on business. About children.) I ask, how do I talk to you? seems to be OK. and he: you talk as if you were in some kind of mourning. I say there is no mourning. I have already experienced and calmed down. and I wish you happiness. but we will no longer talk about us, not about you there. only in the case. OK? he was confused for a second, and then he spoke well ... and then they talked about children in a normal voice.

he went to work, and I was blown away. so bad words can not convey .. I look at him: my dear man, and will look at me with an indifferent look. and in my opinion he sighed with relief when he realized that I would not cut, beg, procrastinate on this topic ... Is this normal?

Nightmare of a married woman - the husband loves another woman, but continues to live in the family. He comes home from her and goes to her, hurries to her from work, buys flowers for her and spends time with her. With her, he is probably happy, cheerful, contented, and brings home all the negativity and discontent. All these sad thoughts revolve in the head of the wife, who knows that the husband has fallen in love with another. She is no longer interested in anything - not her own life, not children, not work, not hobbies. The center of her collapsed universe is her husband, who loves not her, but the other.

Further more. Children without attention learn worse, are daring, associate with bad company, leave home. At work, mistake after mistake, productivity falls, the bonus is not paid, the boss is dissatisfied, reprimands, threatens to be fired. A woman does not sleep well and sobs into her pillow at night, does not eat and painfully loses weight or eats without measure and rapidly gains weight, does not look after herself and walks around in a kind of disheveled look with a dull look. In a very short time, she is overgrown with such problems that make her life hopeless. At this stage, many fall into depression, into a real, clinical one, requiring psychotherapy.

All of this can be avoided by doing the right thing in such a sad situation. Perhaps the situation is not so bad and the man is simply carried away, rather than experiencing a real feeling. Then you can find the strength to forgive him and restore your family. Or you should understand that the marriage relationship with this man has outlived its usefulness and just give him a divorce. But you need to remember that divorce is not the collapse of your whole life, not a tragedy. This is one of the stages of life that must be experienced. There are many men in the world, among them there is definitely one with whom it will turn out to create strong warm relations.

No matter how the relationship with her husband develops in the end, in any case, a woman needs to continue to live, find pleasure in every day and enjoy them, and derive benefit from any situation and life lessons.

Rubbing her cheating husband

How to understand that a husband's husband loves another woman? An attentive wife will notice the following changes in her husband:

He began to take care of himself more carefully, keep in shape, more often than usual buys new clothes, changed his hairstyle, began to use a different perfume;
The husband stopped persuading his wife to have sex if she is one of the women who are always in pain;
The husband does not part with the phone, he answers the calls, retiring; most likely, set a password to access the list of calls and messages;
His work schedule changed, there were meetings, rush jobs, night shifts, and on the way home heavy traffic jams began to appear;
The husband began to return home with a light aroma of drunk alcohol;
His things smell different;
He behaves differently with his wife. Some men begin to give gifts and flowers to their wives; others openly conflict with wives and criticize them; still others stop noticing their wife, giving her no more attention than last year's news release.

If the wife did not notice any changes in her husband, then it is not surprising that the man was looking for a woman on the side: such inattention pushes to seek love affairs on the side. No matter how many years have passed since the wedding day, one must not forget to pay attention to the husband. Indifference destroys even the strongest of marriages. Relationships fail without proper reinforcement.

If a wife knows her husband's beloved, then she will also notice such phenomena:

In her presence, the husband becomes nervous, behaves unnaturally, becomes tongue-tied;
In the presence of a woman or mutual acquaintances, a man likes to boast, talk about some "heroic" feat, or simply demonstrate his official position and material well-being;
If the husband is, in principle, serious and restrained, then in dealing with his beloved woman he can become more liberated, and vice versa, the joker for no reason at all can begin to be ashamed of his openness;
The husband reacts painfully to criticism of his beloved woman and to messages about her partners - former and current;
The husband willingly participates in the life of a friend, helps her with everyday problems, takes her to some events, to the store, to the market;
He sends her non-verbal signs of attention - in a conversation he strives to look her in the eyes, turns his whole body to her, stands between her and others a man.

Why did the husband fall in love with another woman?

Despite the claims about polygamy of all men without exception, you need to know that they are, in principle, lazy. If a man is satisfied with everything in the family, he is too lazy to look for a new woman, build relationships with her, spend time and money on courtship. If a man starts a relationship with a woman, then a crack has appeared in the family. Well, when a husband loves another woman, and not just spends time with her for his own pleasure, the reasons should be more than compelling.

Among these reasons, men are most often called:

Dissatisfaction with the wife's appearance. For many men, the wife's appearance is regarded as their own business card. Accordingly, he ceases to like an unpresentable appearance, and over time he begins to look for a more suitable option for his criteria.
Dissatisfaction with housekeeping. For the sake of a thin waist, a woman can eat buckwheat, kefir and wheat germ for months. A man, if he does not eat satisfyingly and tasty, feels uncomfortable. Many of them are annoyed by the pile of unwashed dishes in the sink, the pile of unwashed things propping up on the ceiling on the armchair, animal hair on clothes and dishes. Most men are picky about odors, although in general men’s sense of smell is weaker than women’s. From irritating smells of burnt food, uncleaned cat litter box, dampness, the smell of dog hair. Therefore, a woman should maintain at least elementary cleanliness in the house. Eating from clean dishes and sleeping on clean bedding are the first requirements of personal hygiene, like taking a shower and brushing your teeth every day. The same applies to the cleanliness of floors, furniture, and a bathroom.
Dissatisfaction with material and living conditions. An elementary lack of money for family needs, disorder, living with parents or other relatives have destroyed more than one family together. Usually, divorce in such circumstances is not about love for another woman, but about the impossibility of living normally with his wife. A couple should mutually strive to provide their family with material benefits, try to live separately, with their own family. At the same time, it is important not to go to the other extreme, putting material values at the forefront and sacrificing rest, vacation and spiritual development to them.
Dissatisfaction with sex life. If a wife hurts every night, she is tired, not in the mood, offended, and so on, then the man will very quickly establish his intimate life with a strange woman. Sexual satisfaction is one of the basic needs of a man, so the wife's task is to satisfy her, especially since intimacy is very important for the mental and physical health of women. The quality of sexual relations is no less important than the quantity, so the wife needs to get rid of complexes in this area and forget the arguments about what “decent women” do and what is prohibited. Anything that pleases both is normal between two adults.

All these circumstances will subsequently irritate another man, with whom a woman will begin to build relationships, so it is worth eliminating them and starting a new life in new conditions.

Why does a husband live in a family, although he loves another woman

If a man continues to live in a family, loving another woman, then most likely he

Does not want to leave the children or separate them from their mother, taking them for themselves when parting;
He does not want to leave his familiar environment, especially if in everyday life everything suits him;
There is no place where you can live with your beloved woman;
Loves a married woman who does not want to destroy her own marriage;
Not so much in love with another woman, since he does not want to remove all the obstacles in the way of their life together.

The reasons may be different, very diverse, deeply individual.

Whatever the reason, the woman needs to decide if she wants to live with her husband under the circumstances. Definitely, a dual situation will mentally exhaust each of them and drain the nervous system. For children, constant stress will also be extremely negative.

What are the options for developing a relationship with a cheating husband

There are not so many options in fact.

A man can remain in an ambivalent position for quite a long time, living with his wife and visiting his mistress. If his feelings for another woman are strong, then he may require a divorce. If feelings seem to be a simple attraction, then the man will not leave their family. Another question is whether a woman needs such a relationship. She will have to answer this question on her own.
A man will go to his mistress, especially in the absence of children with his wife. Returning it is most likely useless. You should also not forgive and rebuild life with him again if he returns. Between the spouses there will now always be a memory of treason and representation.
The husband will break up with another woman and return to the family. Whether to accept it back is up to the wife to decide. It is necessary to clearly understand that the shadow of the past will now always fall on the future relationship with her husband. A woman will secretly look for signs of a new mistress with her husband.

What to do for a wife: rules for crisis behavior

In any incomprehensible situation, the most important thing to do is to analyze the reasons. It will be useful in any case - whether with this man, or with another, but there is no need to repeat the mistakes made. Therefore, everything should be well thought out and find out what triggered the destruction of relations between spouses.

You can't do this:

Torment yourself, husband, children with tears, tantrums, reproaches and accusations of a ruined life. Firstly, this is counterproductive behavior, and secondly, life is not destroyed, an unpleasant situation just arose in it.
To lock up at home alone with their feelings and to poison mental wounds, doing self-flagellation.
Look for meetings with a rival for any purpose - to persuade her to leave someone else's husband, blackmail, threaten.
To harass your husband with calls, messages, watch him after work and try to explain, threaten, intimidate, bring children as the last argument.

All this only repels the man and makes the woman funny and vulnerable.

, Comments (1) on Husband loves another disabled

Husband loves another
Hello, Elena.
My husband loves another. We have been married for 14 years with two children. They lived, as it seemed to me, in perfect harmony. I tried to be an ideal wife: delicious food, comfort in the house, never naughty, no scandals. In general, she avoided what her husband did not like and did what he liked.

And suddenly, like a bolt from the blue: the husband loves another and leaves. To say that it hurt is to say nothing. It was probably only children who saved it. I was still breastfeeding the younger one. Forgiven somehow at once (treason, with a feeling of betrayal is more difficult), waited, thought - I was mistaken. He returned, said that there was love, but agreed to try to restore the relationship. I didn’t last for a week and started communicating with that one again, left again… returned again… And so it was for a year and a half. My husband says it's not my fault that he loves another, doesn't love me. He offered to live simply as partners, for children.

Doesn't want to get divorced. He asked for time to make a decision and did not decide anything. And I love and wait, but I'm tired. Now, as a respectable father, he spends every weekend with the children, brings money, gifts, and is courteous with me. But it DOES NOT TAKE the decision !!! And I continue to suffer: the mind insists there is no need to suffer, it is necessary to throw it away and not look where it has fallen, but the heart loves, hopes ... I am torn to pieces. Advise, after such a recovery is possible? The advice of a specialist is very necessary. Confused in my feelings, I argue with myself.

Hello.

The restoration of relations depends on the desire of the two, so it is always possible, but your situation has been going on for a year and a half, and has become stable. painful for all three, but sometimes it's the only way to keep the relationship alive. Your husband wants to stay with you and at the same time fulfill his other desires, and the current situation is the only way to do both. Love triangles can last for years.

For such situations, it is characteristic that the responsibility for making a decision is assigned to the one who chooses whom to be with, and the other two people are waiting for him to accept it. In fact, any of the participants in the triangle can make a decision. And here you need to think about what prevents you from making a decision. Aren't you afraid to be left alone more than to endure the current situation? Do you tend to endure something unpleasant or difficult for someone's sake for a long time?

The fluctuations that you experience will not disappear from the advice of a specialist or any other person, as they are related to your personality characteristics. It's all about emotional dependence, which participants in love triangles are always prone to. To find the strength to make your own decision, you must first deal with your tendency to emotional dependence on another person.

The psychotherapist does not eat his bread for nothing :-) More precisely, you cannot say ... What can I say based on my own experience and observation of other people's situations from the outside? Most then return repentant. Because THERE, as a rule, is not at all what a mature, intelligent and decent man dreamed of for family life. When his blinders fall from his eyes, he will want to return to his old life - reliable, faithful, proven over the years. And children: the son is still a child, his conscience will torture him, he will also start drinking, God forbid,.
The only question is: will you accept it back or not. Many do not accept - not out of principle, but simply cannot forgive betrayal, selfishness, pain inflicted on themselves and children.
Once he said, it means he is serious. Let it go, it’s useless to hold it anyway. I know a case when a mother lay down on the threshold and begged her son not to leave his family with children, but he stepped over his mother and left. In another case, the husband returned to his wife to ask back, because he found his "Dulcinea", to whom he left, kissing another, - he washed down, humiliated himself, asked to forgive and accept, but his wife did not forgive, he visited her, made friends, talked ( many mutual acquaintances, work, friends, children), but she did not allow touching herself - she could not, she cut off, apparently everything, burst into tears, burned out.
The girl is comfortable, she is exchanging her youth for a beautiful life. He is the buyer, she is the seller. If he goes to her, then, most likely, he will repent. A decent girl will not take a married woman away from the family, and a smart one will not. Predatory egoist - will go over the heads.
Ask him a question: if tomorrow he went broke (God forbid) would she love him and meet? This is a very important point. He went through everything with you - both poverty and difficulties, and with it? Or does he realize that he was striving for wealth also in order to have young girls? Well, then, in general, she is not your rival, he just bought himself a new toy and cannot get enough of it. Treat with understanding (this will not add respect to him, but try). Will play enough and return.
Well, if there is a woman who can become his loyal friend, prove her love to him by deed, if you have broken psychological contact with him, if you are given different souls and views, then she may not return.
I want to warn you: the most dangerous thing is to expel. Then you will regret, and most importantly, he will regret later. If you are sure that you are even better without him - then, of course, take the opportunity and chop. After all, don't you understand that he gives you a great chance to change your life? Why don't you meet the young man too? There will be an incentive to be irresistible, new feelings will appear and your mood will improve.
You now have a goal - to prepare for life without a husband and try to get the most out of this situation for yourself. I give you a month to cry, and then start a new life. And the husband will return faster, and you will prove to yourself that you are worth something. And an emotional connection is common. Nothing, you can handle it, I believe in it. Fight fire with fire. I understand, you are all so faithful, devoted, no one is needed .... NECESSARY! Otherwise, he will think so: she is not going anywhere with her two children - it will not work with a young one, I can always return.
And you give him - active preparation for divorce, excellent mood, sparkle in the eyes and absence from home in the evenings for or without reason. And no joint exits. What for? Why do you need to create visibility? He will think that you are clinging at least to the status of your wife. Don't be afraid of what people will say. Be careful not to slip into humiliation and handouts.
So tell him: great, I am no longer your woman, and you are not my man (let him tell about fairy tales that there were no kisses and closeness in kindergarten). You yourself gave up on me, you chose another. Your right. Now you are on your own, I am on my own.
Divide everything equally, and tell the children: Daddy doesn't need us anymore. Otherwise, he hopes that you and the children will smooth everything out for him, and driven to hysteria, you will help him leave, and then, sitting by the window, you will faithfully wait for him. Let him go - but YOURSELF. In the meantime, buy yourself some new things (this will shake him up), and start a new personal life with a cheerful look. To get started, sign up for a driving course. Your goal is a car, a new friend, a sparkle in your eyes. They do not necessarily love the young, they love the victorious and those who know their own worth.
I wish you good luck!!! Ksenia: Good afternoon, Olga! Thank you very much for your help and support. I have re-read your letter many times at a particularly difficult moment. Over the past week after your letter in my life and mood there have been some changes for the better :) You gave me a month to cry, I used no more than 10 days, then began to act. Firstly, I was able to sign a marriage contract with him at a notary public in terms of the division of property in the event of a divorce and an alimony agreement for the payment of money in a certain amount for my son (you understand that the official earnings of businessmen are ridiculous, and alimony with them, even more so). Unfortunately, he flatly refused to do the same for his 17-year-old daughter. (I was counting on help until the child graduates from the university, she is now in her first year). The psychotherapist advised me to do all this as soon as possible in a personal conversation, while he (the husband) is in the stage of spiritual recovery, these chores took me at least a week.
And I also did something that neither you nor my therapist would praise me for. I managed to figure out the girl. Of course, I didn't follow anyone, I didn't check my pockets, I didn't call my husband's friends. I just used some information (I will not go into details). My husband was careful for a long time, but he made one mistake and I figured it out even faster than I expected).
Then everything is simple: I asked my 2 acquaintances to go to the company where she works, one just talked to her, and the other took some photos (imperceptibly). She turned out to be a rather discreet girl, dressed more than modestly (her husband claimed that she was just a beauty). After that, I calmed down and removed these photos from sight forever.
I understand that this should not have been done. Nevertheless, I was pleased with the result - I was in a good mood all day, and I occupied my time not with tears and sad thoughts, but with an analysis of what was happening. In parallel with these classes, I actively communicate with my friends, restore connections (in terms of communication) with male friends and acquaintances, I try to spend more time in public, now I rarely spend the evening at home.
Now about my husband and our relationship. For about 3 weeks I did not drive him out of the house, gave him time to make a decision, tried to surround him with attention and care, we had wonderful sex. I certainly wanted him to prefer me to her. And by the end of 3 weeks (this Saturday), I finally discovered that, in general, he settled down quite well: in the morning comes satisfied from a girlfriend (cinema, nightclubs, restaurants), at home - dinner, clean bed, understanding from the wife and almost complete absence of reproaches. Every man's dream! And I suffer and wait for the solution of the problem on his part in someone's favor every day. When I asked how much more time he might need, he shrugged his shoulders and said that maybe a month, maybe half a year - he doesn't know (the girl doesn't agree to live with him under the same roof yet).
I decided that I had already spent enough of my health and told him that my house was not a shelter and that if I wanted to live with my family, I had to come home no later than 9 o'clock. evening, do not call her from us and chat with her from your home computer. Of course, this did not suit him, and we decided (it was this weekend) that he was renting an apartment from Monday.
He left for more than a day, and yesterday (Sunday) unexpectedly appeared in the evening in a very depressed mood. It turned out that he spent a stormy night of love with her in a hotel, both were pleased with each other, everything was just great (this is their first night together, before that, only isolated episodes of physical intimacy). And the next day she said that the fairy tale was over, and that it was time for him to return to his family.
My husband is simply heartbroken, nevertheless, he shared with me the details of the night (apparently to hurt me) and said that it was his true love, that there was no such thing for me and that because of her he didn’t want to live, but without me it will get along pretty easily. It did not occur to him to ask me for forgiveness, on the contrary, in his revelations he tried to hurt me more painfully. Perhaps he is not yet able to figure out what happened, or maybe in fact he is indifferent to me, I do not understand yet either.
I think that the husband's decision to leave the family pushed the girl to such a decision, because the husband would insist on living together or, at least, on regular intimate relationships on his territory, he is very persistent in his goals. And this was not part of her plans, apparently, she did not have serious views on him. Joint visits to clubs, restaurants, an expensive birthday present - yes, please, but to live together - sorry (her husband recently gave her an expensive jewelry for her birthday, but she did not invite him to a celebration with her friends - she was either ashamed of him age, or his marital status, he was very worried at home that evening).
And, in the end, the girl may change her mind and again will accept the courtship of her husband. And this, in fact, I am afraid of the most so far. I understand that my husband has already betrayed me and quite cruelly, and that the worst thing, in fact, has already happened. You need to look for support in yourself, to become more confident in yourself.
So, I summarize the disappointing results. What can I do in this situation? Tell my husband: live with us until you sort out your feelings? - no, I can’t and don’t want to, I want to feel needed and loved, now he will not give me this, and I feel emotionally devastated. I am not ready to divorce or finally part, I will suffer very much, not all feelings have died out yet. Offer him to rent an apartment and live separately? This is the most acceptable option, but there are also disadvantages here (another girl may appear).
Or try the so-called. "guest marriage" (we live separately, the marriage is formally preserved, sometimes we meet by mutual desire)? This allows everyone to have other partners, the husband is a terrible owner and will not allow me (unlike myself), and I will suffer again. Maybe there are more options, but I don't see them. I still don't know if I can make love to him at all, even if he asks for forgiveness. There is no clarity in my head yet, I have experienced too much in 3 weeks of my life, I cannot rise above the situation and soberly assess it.
I think that I still want to keep my family in full force, and like any woman, I want to be loved. I would be very grateful for your advice and help.
Regards, Ksenia
Olga-WWWoman: Hello Ksenia! Most likely, the changes in your mood did not come from my letter, but from your actions. You realized that you can reason soberly, stay on your feet in any position, and most importantly, you realized that your husband did not prefer another because she is better and younger than you, but because he is panicky afraid of old age and clings to the first girl who was do not mind accepting his payment (in the form of gifts and entertainment) for "rejuvenation".
Dear Xenia! Apparently, women are more responsible (most women, including you) and who, if not you, now soberly lead their family in the same direction. Your husband is now a capricious child in love, suffering and looking for himself in a new quality. Do not stop him from going through this period. He is sick, sick with a common disease of the forties and fifties: an attempt to restore youth and freshness of feelings.
The fact that you signed a contract well will give you confidence and peace of mind, the fact that you have learned that his passion is nothing special will give you confidence in yourself as in a woman. I want to give you the confidence that you yourself should not rock the boat, into which there is already too much water. Don't rush things. As a real woman, squeeze your pain into a fist, realizing that over 20 years a person has changed so much that it is difficult to blame him for having stopped loving one and fell in love with another. What is love for men? I think they always have at least two types of love: love-respect, affection, kinship with his wife, and at the first stage - (its duration is different for each couple, for some this stage lasts a lifetime) sexual attraction. You disagree with him in the second stage. But I am sure that if you are really close people, you have children, common troubles and joys, friends, past, then he certainly loves you. But the acutely proceeding stage of sexual cooling towards you (20 years is, you yourself understand) and the desire to possess a young girl because of the outgoing youth and for other reasons, does not allow him now to realize the depth and constancy of his love for you, as for his wife, a friend, we can already say, a "relative".
Do not try to return his love-attraction now, it is unreal. Moreover, he pushed you as a woman away with his comparisons and behavior. Do not be afraid that he will find another. Define freedom in this area for both of you. This will save your family. To break is not to build. Who knows, perhaps, having returned to you completely and with a desire to start all over again, he will be grateful to you that you understood and recognized his illness, did not kick out, did not destroy the family. If you don’t want to get divorced - don’t! Only you can know what you really want: to rejoice in freedom and start a new life, providing yourself with this contract with a notary, or to forgive and keep your only beloved person next to you. If he wants to leave, try to dissuade him - gently, wisely, and if he does not leave, do not rush to issue ultimatums - now is the acute period of his "age-related illness" and is not the time to tighten the screws.
I wish you patience, endurance, be very attentive to your husband, do not break, smile and maintain dignity in any situations. Take now only comprehensively balanced decisions! He will return if you yourself try to be always the kind that they do not leave. Ksenia: Olga, good afternoon! Again I have to turn to you for support. After my last letter, there have been changes, my husband has already left our family for 3 weeks, now he rents an apartment and lives with his girlfriend. It was rather our joint decision. I felt a little better: I got rid of insomnia, stopped waiting for him at night. I still often communicate with my friends, I go to accounting courses. There are still problems with my personal life, this is not surprising, my friends say that a problem is written on my face: I'm waiting for my husband.
I try to communicate with him only if absolutely necessary, and after that I literally "shake" the whole day. He is completely happy and prosperous, he has a honeymoon, he says that this is true love and destiny.
I understand everything with my head, that I need to get distracted, switch, that everyone has the right to happiness, I have no hatred or anger towards him or her, I do my best to come to terms with what happened, make myself believe that everything is for the best eventually. But I CAN'T close the door behind the past yet, I cannot bring myself to stop waiting for my husband in my heart, although I am not sure that I can forgive him. Is this wounded pride? I have always considered myself to be a rather strong woman, and I myself do not understand why I am still failing.
Of course, I no longer suffer from morning to evening, but not a day passes without despair or hopelessness. Maybe it takes time, maybe I'm too emotional, sometimes it seems to me that peace of mind is unattainable for me. It is the seventh week of my stress, I realize that I am losing my health. Friends say: you are free, spread your wings and fly, but I do not accept freedom and am afraid to crash on the asphalt. Then they say: well, sit, wait - a nurse will be needed by old age, and he will return. Both funny and sad, I understand that they are right. What advice can there be in my situation - only one: to pull yourself together and live YOUR life, fill it with YOUR content. Time will pass and I will get used to it, and perhaps the new life will become better than the old one. It turns out she herself wrote a letter to you, scolded herself, and gave advice herself. It turned out just a cry from the heart. It's just that now it is very difficult for me, it’s bad, my heart hurts, from which I’m trying to pull out the past. Olga-WWWoman: Ksenia, what happened happened. And this "happened" is now living its own life. And what a blessing that everything is changing, that this "happened" also does not stand still. All our depressions have their own independent lives. You never know when to let go. But you may well now pamper yourself a little, and let life return to its natural course: do only what you want. I want to cry - cry, I want to see my husband and return everything - look at it as if you had an operation, and you, with stitches - got up and went. I think you understand that everything will heal, and you will run more than ever before, but the time .... time must be taken by indulging yourself.
Not used to it? Lying mode! Not in the literal sense, but complete relaxation. Get some rest. Do only what is pleasant. Gone? What a fool ... It is still unknown how he will turn, something tells me that if you manage to break the umbilical cord and are a little selfish and start your life (full-blooded) without him, he will return a hundred times faster ... In the meantime sure you're waiting - won't come, why? He has nowhere to rush, he has a siesta ...
You cannot change. Which have. This means that there is some sense and purpose in it - in your expectation. Some lesson for you. The lesson is that you go back to what you are afraid of losing, so you, waiting statically in your place, deprive him of the incentive to return.
Do not punish yourself that there and there you could have acted differently. Life goes on as she likes, and we only use her joys or tears. When you cry - someone laughs and is happy, tomorrow - vice versa. If in life one intends not to bring harm to anyone, then this is already a worthy life. And your husband's girlfriend will still have a lot of problems for her act. But that's a completely different story ... Olga: Divorce. My experience of "getting out of the tailspin" - a response to Xenia's letter
ANNA - ANSWER TO "MY HUSBAND LOVED ANOTHER" AND "ABOUT CORKSCREW"
GAMES FOR ADULTS SERVICE OF TRUST

The rare relationship between a man and a woman can be called easy, untangled. No wonder they say: where feelings begin, logic ends there. Everything seems to be fine, family, children, a joint well-established way of life, a joint vacation, and so on. What more could you want? And what else do you need?

And then, like a bolt from the blue, betrayal bursts in, and not just betrayal for the sake of sex, but for great and pure love. Relationships in a love triangle are very complex, there are three main characters on the stage - she, he and she. So what is the right thing to do? How to deal with this difficult situation? Many women ask these, and not only, questions, but what a sin to conceal, the most important question: how to return a beloved man, how to return love? The love that was at the first time they met !?

I think he's cheating on me ...

Sooner or later, such thoughts visit every woman, in some cases they may not be justified, but sometimes they turn out to be true. Unfortunately, the presence of a stamp in the passport, an oath, is not a guarantee that a man will always love his wife, and most importantly, he will be forever loyal and faithful. This happens only in fairy tales, and with very rare exceptions.

In real life, everything is different, over the years of marriage, many women are faced with the husband's love for another woman, and, accordingly, betrayal. But you should not rush into the pool with your head, first of all, you need to make sure that the fears and suspicions are justified. And not simple speculation - after all, we young ladies can be very impressionable. So what are the signs of falling in love?

Each situation and family is unique, each man has his own character and his own attitude to life, values, etc. But still, in most cases, male love manifests itself in the same way, only some nuances appear. As psychologists say, falling in love with a woman can be in an open and closed relationship.

An open relationship implies the wife's knowledge of the presence of a young lady with whom her husband is associated by work, interests, childhood friendship, and so on. They are forced to spend time together, and from time to time the husband and wife discuss their joint affairs and achievements.

Closed relationships are hidden from the wife, she cannot imagine her husband's passion. The husband himself is silent and does not betray the presence of a girlfriend with a single word. In each case, the signs of falling in love are slightly different.

Signs of open love

In this case, the husband "does not get off his tongue" his girlfriend. In a discussion of general achievement at work, or a hobby, only the contribution of a passion is discussed. In a conversation, one can only hear: "Ira is ...", "Ira is ...". As a result of the conversation, more is known not about the success in the affairs of her husband or the general company, but about the personal successes of "Irochka".

There is also the second side of the coin, about “Irochka” they can also speak negatively. Sometimes the husband can tell how bad she is, but at the same time remember her every half hour. We can say that this is a sincere attempt to protect oneself from feelings for "Irochka", or a deliberate deception - so that no suspicions arise.

Every woman should be alerted to the fact when her husband meets, brings, takes and meets with “Irochka” outside of working hours. Fears can be in vain only if the husband is a personal driver and this is his job. Although in this situation there may be suspicions.

Of course, you can justify your husband with his kindness and gallantry, but if the husband does not find time to go to the grocery store and do his household chores, then everything is clear. This is already a clear concern for another woman to the detriment of his own wife and family.

It is worth paying attention to constant SMS, private calls and correspondence on the Internet. Especially if the correspondence in social networks is under provocative pictures with subtle hints, or there are gentle emoticons in the correspondence. In this case, you need to be wary.

It is especially alarming when meetings with Irochka take place at the expense of relations with his wife. For a better understanding: for example, a cultural holiday was planned, but suddenly, my husband, urgently needed to go to work, urgently meet and discuss any business.

It would seem that everything is elementary - it is possible! Determining whether a man is in love in an open relationship can be simple. But there is also a more difficult option - a closed relationship.

Signs of closed love

In order to understand and guess about hidden love, you need to show spy qualities and wake up Sherlock Homs in yourself. The husband will not say a word about any woman, will not show his feelings.

The most important sign is a change in the husband, from mood to appearance. Falling in love changes not only a woman, giving her wings, but also men. The saddest thing is that the husband begins to gradually move away, the interest in communication, sex, and solving family difficulties disappears.

In the presence of a hidden relationship, all men try to hide their means of communication, the phone is always with them, social networks are "password-protected", and even going to the toilet, the correspondence is hidden. Her husband's mood is upbeat, even in spite of overtime work, frequent business trips, to which the faithful is going on a date.

Sooner or later, if a man has another love, there is a lull in his sexual life. At first, excuses: tired at work, something hurts and other seemingly little things in life, everyone has it. But gradually sex generally fades into the background and the husband can speak and openly express his unwillingness.

Against this background, reproaches are added, moreover, seemingly harmless, for washing dishes not clockwise, under-salted or oversalted soup, with the obligatory "prefix" like this always, for pink toilet paper and other "charms".

These points indicate not only the love of the husband, but also the fact that the previous relationship, and the very concept of a family, is going to hell. So what do you do? And what is the plan of action?

The husband loves another: what to do?

The most practical advice is, should love be returned? Will a woman be able to survive betrayal, and never reproach her? Or is the purpose of forgiving betrayal of love for another hidden in the possibility of constant reproaches? If so, then don't!

In order to understand whether a man is needed, you need to think about how life will change without him? You need to be honest with yourself and put aside the financial side of the issue, and analyze only from the standpoint of feelings, think well about betrayal, and is complete forgiveness acceptable?

If parting is acceptable, and those relationships, oppression, and just indifference turned out to be the last, decisive straw, then you can safely cut the ropes. And set sail free. But if it is not possible to breathe without a beloved husband, then you will have to work hard and fight to the bitter end.

In the struggle for the return of the husband's love, one must start not with calls to the rival and sorting out the relationship, but with oneself, and initially it is necessary to work on wounded pride and self-esteem.

What is the main thing in adding self-esteem and self-esteem? No, not knowing all the poems of A.S. Pushkin, and quoting Goethe, but, first of all, appearance. Approaching the mirror, you need to evaluate yourself, not extra centimeters at the waist, but to find in yourself those advantages and benefits that have faded for various reasons. Gathering all your dignity in a heap, thereby you get a "weapon" that will help return a man's love. The most important dignity of a woman is that it was her man who took her to the registry office and legalized the relationship.

Changing wardrobe, hairstyle, cardinal hair dyeing, buying stylish accessories greatly increase self-esteem. Moreover, there is a double benefit in changing the image, as they say - we combine business with pleasure. The wife increases self-esteem and self-awareness, the husband sees in front of him that beautiful woman whom he once led down the aisle.

Changes in mood and behavior are also a weapon that must be used. How to hide sleepless nights with tears in your pillow? Successful makeup and a permanent smile. Of course, smiling is hard when you are betrayed. But who said it would be easy?

The return of a departed love: instructions for use.

Quite often, men mistake love and all the charm of the bouquet-candy period for love. And the real feeling, with his wife, which has been tested over the years, was broken on the rocks of common life. In the arms of another woman, with whom there was simply no time to start arguing, or to face any problems - good. How else? All relationships that begin are beautiful, and they seem to be eternal.

But in reality it is a mirage. And psychologists advise letting go for a while, you should not hold back. Let the husband plunge into this relationship. Let him appreciate the other woman's housekeeping. Many men find it difficult to get used to other orders, if for many years the socks lay on the third shelf on the left, and the new "love" has them at the very bottom, in the chest of drawers. Sooner or later this will become a subject, even if not a scandal, but a conversation for sure.

And once again, when the unfaithful husband comes home, he sees the already familiar order, the smell of his favorite dishes, it will make him think. Even if he immediately left, it is not worth the tears and screams in pursuit. On the contrary, this is a great sign - the ice has broken. The next time the husband returns home for something, he will remember the smell of his home, his structure and way of life, which was built together over the years. He will remember his wife, whom, by the way, he did not hide from prying eyes, whom he was proud of and boasted to his friends. Memories of past comfort, stability, old pleasant memories will make you think about whether this is love?

The most important task of a woman is not to throw tantrums, but to let go for a while. Lack of drive, adrenaline, fear to light up, strongly affect the acuteness of the senses. And they make it possible for a man to understand if this is love? All romance and imaginary love, maybe slowly but surely, will evaporate.

And one day the door will swing open, and a faithful person will stand on the threshold, asking to be accepted back into the family. But don't think that this is a victory. This is just the beginning. You can’t bring your anger to your husband, shouting: “Well, what did you walk up to? "Irochka" turned out to be bad ... Did you oversalt the borscht? " From such scandals, mutual reproaches, a man may doubt the correctness of his choice.

The husband has already made his choice, he returned, he realized that the family is better, and his arrival is nothing more than a request to let him back in, and, if possible, start all over again.

Major mistakes

The most common mistake many women make in a betrayal situation are tantrums. This happens on a whim, as a matter of course. Scandals, showdown, tears, threats, sometimes even fights - these are situations that are typical in 90% of cases.

This situation "has remained at the genetic level" since the days of socialism. When a walking man was dishonored at a general meeting at work. And under pain of dismissal and surrender of the party membership card, I had to return to my family. The main thing has been done - the husband is in the family, but by what methods and with what consequences?

Today the situation is the same, only friends are used instead of the boss, who turns out all the dirty linen, all family secrets are told. Many women go to blackmail, and any - children, their own lives. No wonder they say - you can bring a horse to a watering place, but you can't make him get drunk. It is worth considering!

Therefore, in order for a man to completely return home, not only with his body, under the yoke of circumstances, but also with his soul, it is necessary to use female tricks. The female weasel should be turned on at full power, because it was her, in most cases, that the man was looking for on the side. And don't be afraid to look stupid.

Perhaps the man on the side was looking for a separation of his own interests, therefore, one can begin to delve into his hobby, perhaps even engage in it together. All topics that are discussed with the husband should be carefully selected. Ideally, in this area, the man should be the most powerful, and better understand than the wife. Men really like to feel smarter and more important. He is the protector - the head of the family.

Before you try to return your beloved husband to the family, you need to realize that old relationships are in the past. They are over. It is necessary to build a new relationship, in any case, even if the husband is the same.

In building a new relationship with an old husband, you need to close all your grievances in a dark closet and hang a barn lock. A new relationship should start with a light heart. A woman should always remain a woman, and this is necessary not for someone, but for a woman.

You need to be gentle, purposeful, to be such a woman that more than one man will not miss. And even after getting married, you should not give in and relax - this is necessary, first of all, for the woman herself. Once this simple truth settles in your head, no man will allow relationships on the side.

Like a dream

And it certainly is. Falling in love can be compared to a dream, magical and pleasant. I wish that it never ends, but, alas, this does not happen.

Awakening

What happened?

The beautiful half of humanity asks itself such a question more than once, furtively glancing in the mirror.

Changes

"I'm guilty ..."

Searching of decisions

The decision to find out who the opponent is by all means is not the best. Firstly, this is a waste of time, and secondly, not having the skills of Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes, it is quite difficult not to puncture and not give yourself away during surveillance. And yes it does. If a loved one loves another girl, he turns into a real jealous person in relation to his own person and carefully protects his personal space. If a mobile phone, left on the edge of the table, is shifted to the side by a millimeter, it may not raise unpleasant questions like: "What did you take?" But the thought that in his short absence a passion, which clearly guesses something, could either read the incoming SMS, or write out several numbers unfamiliar to her, will flash in his head. And this means that the defense will be strengthened, the invisible wall will become wider, and in addition to everything, he will dig a mental ditch.

What to do?

But some young ladies, despite the risk, still manage to recognize the "enemy" by sight. So, when it becomes known that a loved one loves another, what to do is not entirely clear.

"Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

Men decide to cheat for a variety of reasons. Some are not satisfied with an intimate relationship with their wife and they compensate for their lack of connections on the side. Others get bored with the monotony and are looking for girls with whom they can again feel young, alive and full of inexhaustible energy. Adrenaline and a sense of novelty push them to seek new adventures. And if such cases of betrayal can still be hidden by lying to his wife about another business trip or a delay at work, then with a long relationship on the side, things are completely different. If the husband has a mistress, but does not leave the family, and the relationship continues for more than one year, then the wife has no choice but to start thinking about how to get out of this difficult situation.

Most traitors act as if in a pattern, trying to maintain a delicate balance, "sit on two chairs." They make gifts to their wife, try with all their might to hide the connection on the side, and they lie to their mistress that the family is going through a difficult period now, there has been no intimate relationship with his wife for a long time and their marriage is kept and preserved solely for the sake of children. When a husband loves another, but does not leave, his woman needs to take the situation into her own hands and independently decide on the future of her family.

Is it worth holding back?

Try to find out exactly what prompted your spouse to start a relationship on the side. Perhaps you have taken on the responsibility of solving all everyday issues, taking care of children and doing household chores, so you simply have neither the strength nor the time for yourself. You have ceased to take care of yourself, allow yourself to walk at home in old, shabby clothes, and intimate relations with your spouse are extremely rare or practically disappeared. Work on the mistakes, work on those character traits that annoy your spouse the most.

The best solution is to step back for a while to give yourself time to recover. During this period, revise your everyday style of clothing, add more romantic dresses, blouses and skirts. Get a new hairstyle or change your hair color. But keep in mind that you should not make all such changes in order to please your spouse, but in order to please yourself, because you yourself want it. The new image should help you to perk up, and the masculine looks caught on yourself will help restore self-esteem, which probably suffered after the news that the husband had a mistress. Find a business or hobby for yourself that will give you a powerful charge of positive emotions and make your eyes shine.

After a couple of months, when your self-esteem begins to recover, your spouse will definitely notice that you have changed, perhaps he will begin to show more attention to you, and then you can start a conversation with him about the future of your family. You should not throw tantrums and scandals, blackmail and threats trying to force your husband to leave his mistress. Just explain that you know about its existence and understand what your actions or problems could lead to its appearance. Offer to work together to try to restore relationships and keep the family together. Make it clear to your spouse that you are waiting for his decision and set aside time, say, two weeks or a month.

When is the best time to leave

If you understand that no children, joint property, and in general nothing in the world can force you to forgive your husband's betrayal, the best way out of this situation is to part. To make such a serious decision, you need to think it over carefully. It is better to do this in a relaxed atmosphere, having gone, for example, to rest for a week. You must understand that after a divorce, your life will change. Think about how you will tell your husband about the breakup. It is likely that he will get scared and begin to deny having a relationship on the side. Strong evidence and a solid, well-founded position will help you resist possible accusations from him. Breaking up will give you the chance to meet a special person with whom you can create a strong alliance based on trust.

The psychotherapist does not eat his bread for nothing :-) More precisely, you cannot say ... What can I say based on my own experience and observation of other people's situations from the outside? Most then return repentant. Because THERE, as a rule, is not at all what a mature, intelligent and decent man dreamed of for family life. When his blinders fall from his eyes, he will want to return to his old life - reliable, faithful, proven over the years. And children: the son is still a child, his conscience will torture him, he will also start drinking, God forbid,.
The only question is: will you accept it back or not. Many do not accept - not out of principle, but simply cannot forgive betrayal, selfishness, pain inflicted on themselves and children.
Once he said, it means he is serious. Let it go, it’s useless to hold it anyway. I know a case when a mother lay down on the threshold and begged her son not to leave his family with children, but he stepped over his mother and left. In another case, the husband returned to his wife to ask back, because he found his "Dulcinea", to whom he left, kissing another, - he washed down, humiliated himself, asked to forgive and accept, but his wife did not forgive, he visited her, made friends, talked ( many mutual acquaintances, work, friends, children), but she did not allow touching herself - she could not, she cut off, apparently everything, burst into tears, burned out.
The girl is comfortable, she is exchanging her youth for a beautiful life. He is the buyer, she is the seller. If he goes to her, then, most likely, he will repent. A decent girl will not take a married woman away from the family, and a smart one will not. Predatory egoist - will go over the heads.
Ask him a question: if tomorrow he went broke (God forbid) would she love him and meet? This is a very important point. He went through everything with you - both poverty and difficulties, and with it? Or does he realize that he was striving for wealth also in order to have young girls? Well, then, in general, she is not your rival, he just bought himself a new toy and cannot get enough of it. Treat with understanding (this will not add respect to him, but try). Will play enough and return.
Well, if there is a woman who can become his loyal friend, prove her love to him by deed, if you have broken psychological contact with him, if you are given different souls and views, then she may not return.
I want to warn you: the most dangerous thing is to expel. Then you will regret, and most importantly, he will regret later. If you are sure that you are even better without him - then, of course, take the opportunity and chop. After all, don't you understand that he gives you a great chance to change your life? Why don't you meet the young man too? There will be an incentive to be irresistible, new feelings will appear and your mood will improve.
You now have a goal - to prepare for life without a husband and try to get the most out of this situation for yourself. I give you a month to cry, and then start a new life. And the husband will return faster, and you will prove to yourself that you are worth something. And an emotional connection is common. Nothing, you can handle it, I believe in it. Fight fire with fire. I understand, you are all so faithful, devoted, no one is needed .... NECESSARY! Otherwise, he will think so: she is not going anywhere with her two children - it will not work with a young one, I can always return.
And you give him - active preparation for divorce, excellent mood, sparkle in the eyes and absence from home in the evenings for or without reason. And no joint exits. What for? Why do you need to create visibility? He will think that you are clinging at least to the status of your wife. Don't be afraid of what people will say. Be careful not to slip into humiliation and handouts.
So tell him: great, I am no longer your woman, and you are not my man (let him tell about fairy tales that there were no kisses and closeness in kindergarten). You yourself gave up on me, you chose another. Your right. Now you are on your own, I am on my own.
Divide everything equally, and tell the children: Daddy doesn't need us anymore. Otherwise, he hopes that you and the children will smooth everything out for him, and driven to hysteria, you will help him leave, and then, sitting by the window, you will faithfully wait for him. Let him go - but YOURSELF. In the meantime, buy yourself some new things (this will shake him up), and start a new personal life with a cheerful look. To get started, sign up for a driving course. Your goal is a car, a new friend, a sparkle in your eyes. They do not necessarily love the young, they love the victorious and those who know their own worth.
I wish you good luck!!! Ksenia: Good afternoon, Olga! Thank you very much for your help and support. I have re-read your letter many times at a particularly difficult moment. Over the past week after your letter in my life and mood there have been some changes for the better :) You gave me a month to cry, I used no more than 10 days, then began to act. Firstly, I was able to sign a marriage contract with him at a notary public in terms of the division of property in the event of a divorce and an alimony agreement for the payment of money in a certain amount for my son (you understand that the official earnings of businessmen are ridiculous, and alimony with them, even more so). Unfortunately, he flatly refused to do the same for his 17-year-old daughter. (I was counting on help until the child graduates from the university, she is now in her first year). The psychotherapist advised me to do all this as soon as possible in a personal conversation, while he (the husband) is in the stage of spiritual recovery, these chores took me at least a week.
And I also did something that neither you nor my therapist would praise me for. I managed to figure out the girl. Of course, I didn't follow anyone, I didn't check my pockets, I didn't call my husband's friends. I just used some information (I will not go into details). My husband was careful for a long time, but he made one mistake and I figured it out even faster than I expected).
Then everything is simple: I asked my 2 acquaintances to go to the company where she works, one just talked to her, and the other took some photos (imperceptibly). She turned out to be a rather discreet girl, dressed more than modestly (her husband claimed that she was just a beauty). After that, I calmed down and removed these photos from sight forever.
I understand that this should not have been done. Nevertheless, I was pleased with the result - I was in a good mood all day, and I occupied my time not with tears and sad thoughts, but with an analysis of what was happening. In parallel with these classes, I actively communicate with my friends, restore connections (in terms of communication) with male friends and acquaintances, I try to spend more time in public, now I rarely spend the evening at home.
Now about my husband and our relationship. For about 3 weeks I did not drive him out of the house, gave him time to make a decision, tried to surround him with attention and care, we had wonderful sex. I certainly wanted him to prefer me to her. And by the end of 3 weeks (this Saturday), I finally discovered that, in general, he settled down quite well: in the morning comes satisfied from a girlfriend (cinema, nightclubs, restaurants), at home - dinner, clean bed, understanding from the wife and almost complete absence of reproaches. Every man's dream! And I suffer and wait for the solution of the problem on his part in someone's favor every day. When I asked how much more time he might need, he shrugged his shoulders and said that maybe a month, maybe half a year - he doesn't know (the girl doesn't agree to live with him under the same roof yet).
I decided that I had already spent enough of my health and told him that my house was not a shelter and that if I wanted to live with my family, I had to come home no later than 9 o'clock. evening, do not call her from us and chat with her from your home computer. Of course, this did not suit him, and we decided (it was this weekend) that he was renting an apartment from Monday.
He left for more than a day, and yesterday (Sunday) unexpectedly appeared in the evening in a very depressed mood. It turned out that he spent a stormy night of love with her in a hotel, both were pleased with each other, everything was just great (this is their first night together, before that, only isolated episodes of physical intimacy). And the next day she said that the fairy tale was over, and that it was time for him to return to his family.
My husband is simply heartbroken, nevertheless, he shared with me the details of the night (apparently to hurt me) and said that it was his true love, that there was no such thing for me and that because of her he didn’t want to live, but without me it will get along pretty easily. It did not occur to him to ask me for forgiveness, on the contrary, in his revelations he tried to hurt me more painfully. Perhaps he is not yet able to figure out what happened, or maybe in fact he is indifferent to me, I do not understand yet either.
I think that the husband's decision to leave the family pushed the girl to such a decision, because the husband would insist on living together or, at least, on regular intimate relationships on his territory, he is very persistent in his goals. And this was not part of her plans, apparently, she did not have serious views on him. Joint visits to clubs, restaurants, an expensive birthday present - yes, please, but to live together - sorry (her husband recently gave her an expensive jewelry for her birthday, but she did not invite him to a celebration with her friends - she was either ashamed of him age, or his marital status, he was very worried at home that evening).
And, in the end, the girl may change her mind and again will accept the courtship of her husband. And this, in fact, I am afraid of the most so far. I understand that my husband has already betrayed me and quite cruelly, and that the worst thing, in fact, has already happened. You need to look for support in yourself, to become more confident in yourself.
So, I summarize the disappointing results. What can I do in this situation? Tell my husband: live with us until you sort out your feelings? - no, I can’t and don’t want to, I want to feel needed and loved, now he will not give me this, and I feel emotionally devastated. I am not ready to divorce or finally part, I will suffer very much, not all feelings have died out yet. Offer him to rent an apartment and live separately? This is the most acceptable option, but there are also disadvantages here (another girl may appear).
Or try the so-called. "guest marriage" (we live separately, the marriage is formally preserved, sometimes we meet by mutual desire)? This allows everyone to have other partners, the husband is a terrible owner and will not allow me (unlike myself), and I will suffer again. Maybe there are more options, but I don't see them. I still don't know if I can make love to him at all, even if he asks for forgiveness. There is no clarity in my head yet, I have experienced too much in 3 weeks of my life, I cannot rise above the situation and soberly assess it.
I think that I still want to keep my family in full force, and like any woman, I want to be loved. I would be very grateful for your advice and help.
Regards, Ksenia
Olga-WWWoman: Hello Ksenia! Most likely, the changes in your mood did not come from my letter, but from your actions. You realized that you can reason soberly, stay on your feet in any position, and most importantly, you realized that your husband did not prefer another because she is better and younger than you, but because he is panicky afraid of old age and clings to the first girl who was do not mind accepting his payment (in the form of gifts and entertainment) for "rejuvenation".
Dear Xenia! Apparently, women are more responsible (most women, including you) and who, if not you, now soberly lead their family in the same direction. Your husband is now a capricious child in love, suffering and looking for himself in a new quality. Do not stop him from going through this period. He is sick, sick with a common disease of the forties and fifties: an attempt to restore youth and freshness of feelings.
The fact that you signed a contract well will give you confidence and peace of mind, the fact that you have learned that his passion is nothing special will give you confidence in yourself as in a woman. I want to give you the confidence that you yourself should not rock the boat, into which there is already too much water. Don't rush things. As a real woman, squeeze your pain into a fist, realizing that over 20 years a person has changed so much that it is difficult to blame him for having stopped loving one and fell in love with another. What is love for men? I think they always have at least two types of love: love-respect, affection, kinship with his wife, and at the first stage - (its duration is different for each couple, for some this stage lasts a lifetime) sexual attraction. You disagree with him in the second stage. But I am sure that if you are really close people, you have children, common troubles and joys, friends, past, then he certainly loves you. But the acutely proceeding stage of sexual cooling towards you (20 years is, you yourself understand) and the desire to possess a young girl because of the outgoing youth and for other reasons, does not allow him now to realize the depth and constancy of his love for you, as for his wife, a friend, we can already say, a "relative".
Do not try to return his love-attraction now, it is unreal. Moreover, he pushed you as a woman away with his comparisons and behavior. Do not be afraid that he will find another. Define freedom in this area for both of you. This will save your family. To break is not to build. Who knows, perhaps, having returned to you completely and with a desire to start all over again, he will be grateful to you that you understood and recognized his illness, did not kick out, did not destroy the family. If you don’t want to get divorced - don’t! Only you can know what you really want: to rejoice in freedom and start a new life, providing yourself with this contract with a notary, or to forgive and keep your only beloved person next to you. If he wants to leave, try to dissuade him - gently, wisely, and if he does not leave, do not rush to issue ultimatums - now is the acute period of his "age-related illness" and is not the time to tighten the screws.
I wish you patience, endurance, be very attentive to your husband, do not break, smile and maintain dignity in any situations. Take now only comprehensively balanced decisions! He will return if you yourself try to be always the kind that they do not leave. Ksenia: Olga, good afternoon! Again I have to turn to you for support. After my last letter, there have been changes, my husband has already left our family for 3 weeks, now he rents an apartment and lives with his girlfriend. It was rather our joint decision. I felt a little better: I got rid of insomnia, stopped waiting for him at night. I still often communicate with my friends, I go to accounting courses. There are still problems with my personal life, this is not surprising, my friends say that a problem is written on my face: I'm waiting for my husband.
I try to communicate with him only if absolutely necessary, and after that I literally "shake" the whole day. He is completely happy and prosperous, he has a honeymoon, he says that this is true love and destiny.
I understand everything with my head, that I need to get distracted, switch, that everyone has the right to happiness, I have no hatred or anger towards him or her, I do my best to come to terms with what happened, make myself believe that everything is for the best eventually. But I CAN'T close the door behind the past yet, I cannot bring myself to stop waiting for my husband in my heart, although I am not sure that I can forgive him. Is this wounded pride? I have always considered myself to be a rather strong woman, and I myself do not understand why I am still failing.
Of course, I no longer suffer from morning to evening, but not a day passes without despair or hopelessness. Maybe it takes time, maybe I'm too emotional, sometimes it seems to me that peace of mind is unattainable for me. It is the seventh week of my stress, I realize that I am losing my health. Friends say: you are free, spread your wings and fly, but I do not accept freedom and am afraid to crash on the asphalt. Then they say: well, sit, wait - a nurse will be needed by old age, and he will return. Both funny and sad, I understand that they are right. What advice can there be in my situation - only one: to pull yourself together and live YOUR life, fill it with YOUR content. Time will pass and I will get used to it, and perhaps the new life will become better than the old one. It turns out she herself wrote a letter to you, scolded herself, and gave advice herself. It turned out just a cry from the heart. It's just that now it is very difficult for me, it’s bad, my heart hurts, from which I’m trying to pull out the past. Olga-WWWoman: Ksenia, what happened happened. And this "happened" is now living its own life. And what a blessing that everything is changing, that this "happened" also does not stand still. All our depressions have their own independent lives. You never know when to let go. But you may well now pamper yourself a little, and let life return to its natural course: do only what you want. I want to cry - cry, I want to see my husband and return everything - look at it as if you had an operation, and you, with stitches - got up and went. I think you understand that everything will heal, and you will run more than ever before, but the time .... time must be taken by indulging yourself.
Not used to it? Lying mode! Not in the literal sense, but complete relaxation. Get some rest. Do only what is pleasant. Gone? What a fool ... It is still unknown how he will turn, something tells me that if you manage to break the umbilical cord and are a little selfish and start your life (full-blooded) without him, he will return a hundred times faster ... In the meantime sure you're waiting - won't come, why? He has nowhere to rush, he has a siesta ...
You cannot change. Which have. This means that there is some sense and purpose in it - in your expectation. Some lesson for you. The lesson is that you go back to what you are afraid of losing, so you, waiting statically in your place, deprive him of the incentive to return.
Do not punish yourself that there and there you could have acted differently. Life goes on as she likes, and we only use her joys or tears. When you cry - someone laughs and is happy, tomorrow - vice versa. If in life one intends not to bring harm to anyone, then this is already a worthy life. And your husband's girlfriend will still have a lot of problems for her act. But that's a completely different story ... Olga: Divorce. My experience of "getting out of the tailspin" - a response to Xenia's letter
ANNA - ANSWER TO "MY HUSBAND LOVED ANOTHER" AND "ABOUT CORKSCREW"
GAMES FOR ADULTS SERVICE OF TRUST

Like a dream

And it certainly is. Falling in love can be compared to a dream, magical and pleasant. I wish that it never ends, but, alas, this does not happen.

Awakening

What happened?

The beautiful half of humanity asks itself such a question more than once, furtively glancing in the mirror.

Changes

"I'm guilty ..."

Searching of decisions

The decision to find out who the opponent is by all means is not the best. Firstly, this is a waste of time, and secondly, not having the skills of Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes, it is quite difficult not to puncture and not give yourself away during surveillance. And yes it does. If a loved one loves another girl, he turns into a real jealous person in relation to his own person and carefully protects his personal space. If a mobile phone, left on the edge of the table, is shifted to the side by a millimeter, it may not raise unpleasant questions like: "What did you take?" But the thought that in his short absence a passion, which clearly guesses something, could either read the incoming SMS, or write out several numbers unfamiliar to her, will flash in his head. And this means that the defense will be strengthened, the invisible wall will become wider, and in addition to everything, he will dig a mental ditch.

What to do?

But some young ladies, despite the risk, still manage to recognize the "enemy" by sight. So, when it becomes known that a loved one loves another, what to do is not entirely clear.

"Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

“My husband loves another, but lives with me” - often on the forums you can find such a headline in which a woman asks for help with advice in a similar situation.

And how harshly we can sometimes think or speak out about this, without assuming that this can happen to everyone.

But in fact, such a development of events baffles every woman. What to do if a loved one has another?

Assessment of the situation

What should be taken from what happened is that this is not just betrayal in order to diversify the routine life if a man falls in love with another woman.

That is why the lawful wife should be especially careful in this case.

First of all, you need to try with different eyes to consider everything that happened, to identify possible causes.

Why doesn't he leave?

What if the husband said that he loves another, but at the same time he is not going to leave at all?

It is worth considering the reasons why usually a man is not going to leave his family, in more detail:

Children... If they are still small, then, of course, he will want to participate in their upbringing. But if they are big, then he may just want to avoid condemnation, remaining in their eyes the same exemplary father.
Relatives... Women often claim that their family is considered exemplary and if it breaks up, then "what will the family say?" Husbands feel the same way, fearing that they will be turned away from them, standing up to protect their lawful wife, as the most affected party.
Convenience of life... No matter how cynical it may sound, it really is. At home, life is adjusted, dinner is cooked, the wife takes care of him: ironing shirts, cleaning, washing clothes. And at the same time, the husband loves the other, with her he takes a break from work and routine. Often, it is this state of affairs that a man is completely satisfied with. Is your wife ready to put up with it? Only she herself can answer this question.
Material wealth. The fear of losing what they have acquired also drives men. Either he or his wife can support the family. And if everything is clear with the second case, then, you ask, why should a man be afraid for his wealth in the first case? But in case of a divorce, he will have to part with many things. And this happens a lot.
The hobby is frivolous... Despite his wife's declaration of love for another woman, it may happen that, on a subconscious level, a man realizes that his infatuation is not serious, and the love will soon pass. In this case, he does not want to lose his family, expecting to break the connection soon.

How to get your husband back?

If you have the strength to forgive and accept, then you should endure and try to take different ways.

At the same time, it is important to avoid quarrels, issuing ultimatums, threats, demands to immediately abandon the lover, said in a categorical tone.

Remember the immortal painting "Love and Doves", in which a similar classic triangle is considered. What attracted a married man to his mistress first of all?
Unusual character, beauty, intelligence and precisely the dissimilarity of that other woman to a wife who is not only simple, but has also been thoroughly studied over the years of living together.

However, his own family is appreciated by every man, which means that he will return.

To this can be added the statistics, according to which 90% of husbands return to their legal and natural wife.

But in this situation, it is you who should decide what is supposed to be done - to keep the family or to let the husband go.

Not only eminent psychologists, but also life experience say that such issues are solved only by a woman.

Assessing your chances

"He loves another" - these words sound not only bitter, but also usually cause disappointing damage to women's pride.

Self-esteem in many cases drops dramatically, and hands give up on their own. Indeed, in addition to work and at home, the wife is responsible for taking care of the children and the husband himself, in many cases there is not enough time for herself.

But if love is still there and it is complemented by the desire to return the husband to the family, then the changes must begin with oneself.

What should be changed?

Appearance... Cardinally. It is worth trying on a new image, dyeing your hair in a new shade, losing weight. Beforehand, of course, you need to consult with a stylist-hairdresser, or try to independently assess whether the new style will suit you. The main rule is not to get too ridiculous in trying to look good. If a woman is aged, then it is better to emphasize the elegance with outfits, appropriate care and haircut. This look will be luxurious. And it is better for young girls to change their style, to take better care of themselves.
Character... Yes, it’s worth changing! But “breaking” oneself through force and in the direction of accepting the situation as it is is impossible in any case! On the contrary, you need to seem strong-willed, try to remove the notes of hysteria and scandalism, if any, be more balanced.
Find a hobby... It will allow you to distract yourself from the situation for a long time. Believe me, in a difficult situation, after infidelity, and even being almost on the verge of divorce, a woman simply needs an outlet. As an activity, you can choose whatever you like. Scrapbooking, origami, embroidery, sand painting and more. By focusing on creating them, distracted from the situation, you can soon feel full of energy and rested. It is very important.
Engage in self-development... Sign up for dances, read, go to trainings, learn languages - do everything that you once could not do due to lack of time. Reduce household chores to the maximum, and spend the free time on yourself, walking with children, having fun with them, taking care of yourself. In this way, make it clear to your husband that you can all cope without him. In addition, the long absence of the wife's home can cause jealousy even in a man who considers himself in love with another woman. After all, how can it be that his wife could please someone else?
The last fact follows from the previous one. Get yourself a fan... If this is unacceptable for you, then just dress in such a way as to please other men. Jealousy, it is worth repeating, is considered one of the most reliable ways to regain a husband's interest. He will soon be able to completely forget about the other woman, again and again trying to conquer his wife.

Believe me, all beneficial changes will become noticeable not only to you, and your efforts will not be in vain.

Having felt the whole taste of life and again becoming fragrant, smiling, you will again become the woman whom your husband once fell in love with.

In addition, provide him with care, but not too visible. Prepare delicious meals, give him unobtrusive and, most importantly, sincere compliments.

After all, make him feel like a man. Not only women are capable of "love with their ears."

Feeling his need, indispensability, realizing that he is needed here more than in another, strange family, he will soon be able to understand that feelings for another woman were only a second passion.

Can't be pardoned

If the husband loves the other, but does not leave, then for the wife such a situation is several times more painful.

Firstly, serious torment begins, the search for reasons, and secondly, the woman is in constant stress that the man is about to get bored and he will leave her.

It can be difficult to accept cheating, but such a development of events in which the husband does not make the final choice is much more difficult.

In this case, the wife will know about the other woman and will have to accept her morally. Most often, this is tolerated for the sake of children, wealth, or simply for fear of being judged by relatives.

But if there is no more love and you don't want to accept the humiliating development of events, then there is only one way out - to quit, without looking back at the opinion of outsiders.

Such a decision should be made if only you want freedom, there is no desire to endure the situation, betrayal, the attitude of a man.

The YouTube ID of KoT3rebvcWU & list is invalid.

Decide everything yourself, pack your bags and put the unfaithful hubby out the door. Take care of yourself and your happiness will soon find you.

The main thing is not to dwell on your experiences for a long time. As soon as you say goodbye to the past, new events will be ready to enter your life, filling it with new meaning.

Good afternoon, dear Goddesses! Below is an article that was born in the course of communication with subscribers and clients. The approximate state of affairs can be understood from a short letter (the sender's name has been changed):

« Dear Anastasia, I really need your advice. My husband fell in love with another woman, he wanted to live with me for the sake of the child for another 10 years. But I said that I was not holding anyone, I wish him happiness, let him decide for himself. She lives in another city and will be able to come to him only in a year. He lives with us and does not want to spend money on renting an apartment. Smashed the car, saves. My heart says that it loves him, but I let everyone go, you won't be forcibly sweet. I can't, it's hard ... Maybe it's better to ask him to move out? I will respect him. How to proceed? I can’t leave myself either, while I’m not working. Catherine»

The circumstances of Catherine, frankly, are not the simplest. I am very sympathetic.

On the one hand, the Vedas say that even if the husband breaks off the relationship, but the wife continues to fulfill her female duties at the proper level and at the same time does not hold any grudge against him, he will most likely return. Such checks are sometimes given to a marriage. What is meant by female responsibilities? This is when the house is in harmony, cozy and warm, a comfortable emotional environment, the husband is fed and his clothes are in order. Children are happy, healthy and happy.

On the other hand, if each of the couple has something to think about, if it takes time for the accumulated pain to subside in the heart, so that the resentment in the soul dissolves, then the best option is to leave for two or three months. Then at a distance it becomes clearer - what was it all the same? Love? Is there anything left of her? Attachment? Painful addiction to another person? Passion? Habit? Or maybe the only thing that keeps you together is the fear of being judged by relatives and friends?

So, what to offer Catherine?

I do not give advice at all. And here I can tell about three obvious options:

1. To disperse forever

2. Disperse for a while, give yourself and him time to think

3. Continue to stay together no matter what

WEIGHT IT ALL AS FOLLOWS

1. If you decide in favor of a final separation, then look here -. And about how to survive, how not to break down emotionally,.

Here you need to be aware that divorce alone will not solve your global problems. That is, if you felt unhappy in the family for a long time, and after parting with your husband you will not do anything in order to find happiness, then everything will remain for you in the same gloomy tones. Or, if you were looking for love and wanted to feel protected, and your husband did not justify your hopes for this feeling, then again, with a divorce, love will not be added to your life.

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All the answers to our questions and requests are within us. So be honest with yourself. If breaking up with your husband is for you an attempt to escape from yourself, then do not waste your time, look at two more options that you have.

2. Disperse for a while. On the first and third points, everything is more or less clear, because we somehow saw it in other pairs. And what is this mysterious "leave for a while"? This means living separately for several months.

This is a very good option if you are thinking about how to keep your family together. I personally know several families for whom this approach helped to reach a new level of relations. After a pause, the husband and wife rethink a lot., look at the past from a position of wisdom and acceptance, and value the prosperous present much more strongly.

There are also some nuances here. After all, you may have to lose some of the comfort (much depends on the man - whether he is ready to continue to provide for you and the children). But then there is a chance not to watch with constant pain how happy and contented in the evening the husband went to his mistress, and returned in the morning. So leaving for a while is also not the easiest solution (however, in such a situation, do not offer it, everything will not be easy).

At a distance from each other, a husband can understand his true feelings - what does he still feel for his wife? Some works of art are only visible if you step back a few steps, you know that, dear friend. This is the very moment when you have to compare feelings for his wife with what he feels for his mistress. Something unattainable and distant is something that is irresistibly drawn, the mistress, of course, seems to be an alluring oasis. And here, in the family, the years lived, experience, children, victories over obstacles, invested strength, time and energy, already established comfort, a close-knit team of relatives and friends.

So a man may find that a new hobby is just a temporarily clouded consciousness, but here is true love. Then the family will be preserved. True, there is another option - the spouse will make sure that it is good without a wife. There are already questions to your wife - how did it happen that mutual understanding, joy, calmness and attraction left the house?

Catherine writes that the love in her heart is still alive, but you can love not only when the faithful is in front of your eyes... And how to show respect and love for your spouse when he is at a distance? You can't iron a shirt. Before leaving for work, you cannot embrace affectionately. Here everything is just technically simple (and, as always, psychologically difficult).

Wishing him happiness every day (as a daily practice), sincere prayers for him are also manifestations of love. Not talking bad about him in front of other people, with children, girlfriends, neighbors, not washing dirty linen in public - this is real respect for the husband and for his choice. Even if he never knows. But if you do all this from the Soul, this is read at the energy level.

You can explain to your husband something like this: “I still love you very much, and maybe I will love you for many years to come, who knows. But I feel bitter every time I see you, because you no longer love me. And I'm not a whipping pillow to let you hurt me every day. I am not a trash heap where you can simply unload your dirty socks and all your everyday problems. Without wanting it, you give me suffering every day. I ask you to find another place to live. You can see the children, take them for walks as much as you want. Our disagreements with you should not darken their childhood and happiness. "

In the specific case of Catherine, the position of her husband is such that he is now using the family as a temporary haven (to fix the car, save money, and then rush into a new love). And this is, to put it mildly, like a pig. According to the male idea, everything should look noble - after all, he is in the family, after all, he is for the sake of children.

One of our responsibilities to loved ones is to help them develop their strengths and bright sides. and not condone what destroys them and makes them degrade.

Allowing her husband to stay (in such a situation as in Catherine's), the woman, as it were, indulges his dark side, welcomes the manifestation of his not very good qualities. And the wife should do the opposite - help her husband to be better and stronger. If he moves out, it will require strength, courage, determination and RESPONSIBILITY from him.

It is very gratifying that Catherine understands that to preserve marriage for the sake of children and to be like a legitimate wife, but one step below a mistress is not the case. And the children see everything. Children understand everything and feel the environment. And they build their own model of a family. They will, God forbid, think that living in dislike and unfaithfulness is the norm.

No matter what happens between spouses, you should never interfere with your husband in communicating with children. And in general by no means no need to involve children in sorting out the relationship(not necessarily between mom and dad, between grandmothers and parents, and in all other cases too).

While the husband and wife are in a state of "separate" meetings of children with their father, it is better to let them only be in neutral territory, not where you live. In his new place or in a cafe, in a zoo, etc. The point is not to let him linger in his familiar family nest. Because there should be an opportunity to evaluate what was and what is not - comfort, home, and so on. In addition, the spouse is already the most difficult in this situation, and the husband's long guest visits poison the soul, make him experience and feel negative emotions again and again.

3. Stay together. This is the option that many women choose. Sometimes, because there is a strong hope to put everything right and in the wife's head there is a plan of how to get her husband back from his mistress. Sometimes, for fear of being alone, it is better to be on the sidelines, but not to experience loneliness. Sometimes out of unwillingness to take responsibility for your own life. After all, even if the faithful runs for two families, he often provides both, helps in some life situations. And with a divorce, you need to learn to be independent and at least understand what is the purpose of life now, what is my intrinsic value.

With the right behavior (I'm not saying that it is easy in this situation), there are many chances that the family will survive, and your marriage, shabby but undefeated, will remain, becoming even stronger.

However, the big question here is how confidently you will be able to put yourself. Will you look like the one you use all the time? Or like the Queen in her Kingdom, where the plague is just temporarily raging, and you are going through this period with dignity.

Whichever option you prefer, the most important thing is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

To use the freed up time is not so that over and over again procrastinate in your head that all men are goats, but to take care of your condition, both external and internal, to bring joy into your life. It happens that this is obtained only through a strong-willed decision, because you really want to lose heart and feel sorry for yourself, sitting in front of the series with a bowl of Olivier. But nevertheless, you will remain at this point, if you do not gather the strength to: - put yourself in order - deal with your emotions - see the reasons why it so happened that the husband found another. And how now to restore relationships and past love, or, conversely, how to part with her husband in harmony.

During this period, it is very important to focus on yourself, and not on revenge on your husband.... That is, it is important to learn how to enjoy life, because I want it that way, because I like it that way, because through manifestations of self-love I am happy and this is what I have long dreamed of. And not from considerations "he will now see how good I am and will definitely return."

Everything that is artificial, faked, sooner or later will begin to take away your strength and in any case is read subconsciously by those around you - children, husband. And why deceive yourself? It usually doesn't end well.

Taking care of yourself is always the most profitable investment of time and effort. No matter how fate turns out, you in any case build your life further - with or without this man.