Resentment at the mother what to do. A lifelong grudge against your mother, or childhood grievances that break your heart

Among other grievances, there is one of the most insidious and difficult, stuck in which, a person runs the risk of being completely crushed by it.

If the mother did so, what can you expect from this life? I can't even believe how she can be like that! This is so wrong and unfair that the thought of a relationship with her gives up. People like her should not be allowed close to the children at all.

Similar thoughts, more or less explicit, may occur in different people regardless of their gender, age, place of work and education. They are united by the ability to take offense and the formed stable state of resentment towards the mother.

Such a state sucks in a person like a swamp, gradually depriving him of his thinking mobility. Over time, he becomes more and more difficult to climb, stubborn and inert, unable to start something new, grow and develop. Negativeness and pretentiousness towards others, a tendency to criticism are growing. And so on up to sadistic aspirations.

There are obvious situations, for example, in dysfunctional families, when a child is objectively mistreated, deprived of the most necessary, subjected to violence. In such children, complaints against their parents are clear and open, in the case of offenses, too. Why do I hate my mother? For the fact that she drank, beat, did not feed, did not dress, she was kicked out of the house, etc. But it also happens in ordinary families, in which, for a prying eye, everything is no worse than that of others, a child can grow up with resentment.

The fact is that children with an anal vector, like everyone else in principle, need an attitude and upbringing in accordance with their mental properties and needs. For example, in no case should such a child be rushed, since by nature he is scrupulous, diligent and must definitely bring what he started to the end, otherwise he feels discomfort, which means he is offended. Such situations often occur when the mother is the opposite of the child in properties - she strives to do everything as quickly as possible and through herself sees him not diligent, but slow, therefore she constantly jerks him, hurries him.

Another important need for these children is praise. A child with an anal vector should receive it in enough and according to merit. He strives to be good child and he feels satisfaction when he receives praise feedback. If the praise is not deserved, not timely, or the mother forgot to praise, resentment arises.

Over time, such situations can be forgotten, but the grievances do not just go away. For a person with an anal vector, relationships with parents are important, he wants everything to be fine, and is able to unconsciously supplant what interferes with this. Thus, the resentment becomes hidden, but does not disappear anywhere.

How to get rid of resentment

Resentment against the mother is a very serious condition. It is projected onto the whole the world especially for women. If the mother, who for a person with an anal vector, by definition, feels like something sacred, inviolable, turns out to be an offender, a source of injustice, then in life, and even more so in other women, he is already disappointed in advance.

The life scenario of such people is always unfortunate. Resentment against the mother is a huge obstacle to the development of mental properties, so a child stuck in such a serious condition is unlikely to be able to fully develop, become an expert and professional with an incredible memory and brilliant erudition.

Offended people are classic sofa-sitters, unable to start something, postponing everything for later, drifting with no initiative. In an undeveloped or frustrated state, they manifest themselves as critics, debaters, pests who have aspirations to stain and denigrate, instead of the desire to improve, cleanse, bring to the ideal.

They also give rise to problems such as domestic violence. In some cases, when such a person has a sound vector in poor condition, resentment against his mother can push him to mass murder, as was the case with the Norwegian Anders Breivik.

Nevertheless, it is possible to get out of the state of resentment (and even very serious resentment). To do this, you need to understand what drives any person with an anal vector, that is, his mental properties and desires, hidden in the unconscious. Then the mechanism of resentment will become clear, it will be possible to realize where her legs grow from in this or that case.

Including understanding of other people, with other vectors, is also necessary. Complete deliverance from resentment occurs precisely when we are aware of our own state, and also the state of the person, when interacting with whom this resentment arises. Awareness of the true motives of the actions of other people and at the same time of their subjective perception of these actions causes a sense of the destructiveness of the offense. It changes thoughts and resentments just disappear.

How does life begin without offense

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan gives comprehensive answers to questions about what drives a person, about his innate properties, life scenarios. Thanks to this knowledge, many people were able to independently cope with various psychological problems, including with grievances.

Such knowledge is especially important for those who think that it is impossible to find a way out. That everything is closed on the mother and nothing changes, because she does not change. But in fact, the reason is who is offended. It is with him that all getting rid of resentment begins. The first results of getting rid of resentment can be obtained at free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Registration - follow the link: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/

The article was written using materials from trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

In my tape, I watch how two stories of daughters' grievances against their mothers unfold in time. One mother has already passed away, the second is well and continues from time to time to push her grown daughter... Tellingly, both bloggers are quite scandalous, have a heightened sense of justice and are almost ready to defend people whom they consider unfairly offended, "to the last drop of blood."

In general, children's grievances against the mother, the most dear person in the child's life, always leave a bleeding wound in the heart, which may not heal over the years.

If a person openly told his mother everything that boiled over, and the mother, instead of repenting (as was expected of her), took these statements “with hostility,” then there is a high probability that, remaining dissatisfied, the person will choose other people as a target , who at least in some way will remind him of his own mother and pour out their anger on them. But, in fact, this is all the same conversation with his "cruel mother", who has put on only a different disguise. And such a repetitive situation can last for the rest of a person's life.

Being a mother is not easy. You need to control your words, what you say to children. Since the children have no protection from their mother and they take everything they say to her literally. No one is able to hurt a child more painfully than the person closest to him - his own mother. This should always be remembered and, if possible, try to avoid evaluative statements about the child's appearance, his mental, physical, and creative abilities. Once upon a time, the unpleasant, offensive words of the mother can, like a stigma, accompany a person all his life, every now and then making themselves felt, as in the history of the grievances of these two bloggers.

It is very difficult to live with it. That is why people have long been looking for remedies that, to one degree or another, can relieve this heartache. One of them is forgiveness. Yes, on the one hand, it is impossible to forgive such a crime against your personality, but, on the other hand, if you perceive life as a school in which you need to learn certain lessons, then without this forgiveness it will become impossible to move on. So forgiving and letting go of this whole situation becomes a vital necessity.

Letting go of the situation does not mean handing over the "olive branch of the world" to your abuser and fraternizing with him forever. To forgive and let go means to live the situation for another person, your offender.

A person always acts from the best motives for himself and will always find something to justify himself. So you need to understand what kind of motives moved the person when he hounded his child. It is difficult, painful, but possible.

By by and large you need to act as a lawyer for your mother and try to cut off her term, which was previously assigned to her, when a person acted as both a victim and a prosecutor.

At the same time, over time, there really appears a real chance to outgrow your mother and begin to perceive this whole situation as aloof, as the judge perceives it.

For him, all the players on the stage are outsiders. And the words spoken by a stranger are perceived in a completely different way. They do not penetrate the protective shell of a person, unless, of course, he associates himself with them.

Therefore, others, no less an important milestone for a person with a grudge against his mother, this is the stage of raising his self-esteem. Any methods are suitable here: recognition of the merits and successes of a person by other people, and getting into a certain elite stratum where others are ordered to enter, and acquiring expensive exclusive things for yourself, since "you deserve it", and much more that people has long been used for this purpose.

The fact that both of these stages have been successfully passed will be evidenced by a sharp decrease in conflicts in a person's life. He simply has no one and will have nothing to find out, since he will no longer have to prove anything to anyone. An amazing feeling of freedom and love for yourself and for those who helped you in the end to experience this blissful state of liberation from the strings, for which you used to be pulled like a puppet.

I really want these bloggers to end well in the end. They are still only half way.

39 comments: Resentment towards the mother

Resentment is a normal manifestation of feelings for any person, it is a standard reaction to the behavior of others, and especially close people. It is in relations with those who are dear to us that resentment is perceived more sharply and harder to be experienced.

One of the deepest internal conflicts is feelings of resentment against the mother. For a child, there is no one closer to mom, and it is very painful to realize that she somehow hurt you. How to overcome this, what needs to be done to cope with resentment and start living in harmony with yourself?

Why there is a resentment against the mother

For most children, mom is the absolute authority, we, like a sponge, absorb everything she says, be it criticism or praise. And if everything is clear with the positive statements of the mother - she loves you and wants to demonstrate her love, then with the negative things are different. He wounds us, and these wounds often last for years.

What is the reason, after all, mother should wish us only good? Take it for granted: there are no ideal people, and your mom is no exception. No matter how well she treats you, she could make mistakes in upbringing.

And she probably did. Not because she is bad, but because she is human. Even thinking over every phrase, mom cannot insure herself against the fact that you will be offended by her for something.

There are other situations in which the mother really does not try to please the child and behaves as she pleases, without looking back at his feelings and experiences. In such cases, children grow up with great psychological problems, which are almost impossible to cope with alone - professional help is required.

When this feeling can arise

Often the root of resentment against the mother is hidden in childhood- the child is vulnerable and dependent on parents, and therefore very keenly perceives criticism, prohibitions, misunderstanding or rudeness. Many people carry this unpleasant feeling into their hearts through the years, constantly returning in their thoughts to conflict situations.

Childhood grievances affect us most painfully, but the mother's inappropriate behavior towards her daughter or her teenage son, and even towards her adult child, can also seriously hurt. As we get older, it is more difficult to upset or disappoint us, and yet it is often adults who turn to a counselor to overcome a recent conflict with their mom.

At this age, the connection with our parents is not as strong as in childhood, but we still consider them (and especially our mother!) The closest people and get very upset if they behave inappropriately towards us.

Mom may not be satisfied with your independent choice: and the wrong one entered the university, and the wrong man was chosen, and so on. It is important to always remember that this is your own choice, made consciously and is a reflection of your personality.

But many people forget about this and are very worried about disappointing their mother. This is a harmful practice - you have to live for yourself, not for your mother. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes this or understands it too late, when a strong resentment is firmly rooted in the heart.

In women, resentment against the mother is often exacerbated during pregnancy. This is not surprising - due to hormonal changes in the body, all the feelings of the expectant mother are aggravated, including negative ones.

The woman becomes vulnerable and vulnerable. During this period, it is important to protect yourself from unnecessary stress, and if the relationship with your mother brings negative emotions try to avoid communication.

What can resentment against the mother lead to?

If you do not competently work out a situation in which you felt humiliated or offended by your mother, this can result in difficulties in later life. The mother thoughtlessly dropped the phrase "Where are you, you're fat!" leads to violations eating behavior and complexes.

A child who was denied everything in childhood considers himself unworthy of good things and pleasures in adulthood. If your mother was constantly comparing you to someone (“Luda's daughter is great, not like you!”), You most likely will not appreciate yourself enough and, like your mother, indulge in comparisons.

That is why it is very important to forgive the mother: for comfortable life and acceptance of oneself as a full-fledged personality with an adequate attitude to character traits and manifestations.

How to get rid of feelings of resentment against your mother

1. Forgiveness

Forgiving is hard, so make sure you do it for yourself. Forgiving, a person does not bend, but lets go problem situation... Prove that the problem is no longer worrisome and continue living easier. It is not necessary to personally tell the mother, "I have forgiven you."

If for some reason this is not possible, forgive her within yourself. Realize that her words or actions should not leave an imprint on your present life, deprive you of your comfort and self-confidence. Even if she was wrong three times. By letting go of these negative feelings, you will make room for positive thoughts and impressions.

1. Dialogue with mother

Not everyone has the ability or desire to discuss grievances with their mom. If you feel strong enough to do so, try talking to her. Explain clearly what you didn't like, what hurt. Sometimes mothers really don't understand that they may have been hurt by words or actions. Such a conversation will be productive: after realizing mistakes, mom will not repeat herself in the future.

If you feel that the mother is not open to dialogue, do not try to convey anxiety and worries. This can aggravate the psychological state and heighten feelings of resentment.

I am a professional family psychologist with experience in solving problems related to intra-family relationships. If there is no way you can improve your relationship with your mother, I can help. ... I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow and online with the help of. Anonymous and confidential

1. Working through painful situations

The previous method is good if you have the opportunity to talk to your mom and be heard. How to let go of grievances against your mother in a different situation? Analyze the problem yourself: on a blog, in a handwritten diary, on separate sheets of paper.

Write about everything that worries and upsets you, try to be as honest as possible and not miss any details. Sometimes this kind of work with your feelings helps to look at the resentment from a different angle and see new moments.

It is important to try to analyze the motives of your mother's behavior: what is the reason for the barbs and remarks towards you? Try to look at the situation through her eyes and draw conclusions.

1. Working with the subconscious

In resolving the internal conflict, how to cope with resentment against the mother, work on strengthening the subconscious can help. Give yourself positive attitudes that should become an immutable truth, support and support. For example:

• I'm strong
• I am an individual
• I'm happy with myself

These are not empty words: to get results, back them up with actions. Think positively, act according to your inner desires, achieve your goals, buy what you like. Self-love is the key to getting rid of old grudges.

What can be learned from resentment

In adulthood, this condition has positive sides... Sometimes, when you cool down, you realize that you did something wrong, and criticism from the mother was justified. But it is important to maintain clarity of consciousness and not be led by unfounded remarks. Realize that you are right and learn to defend your chosen position.

The mistakes that the mother made are good lesson... If you are raising a child, do not repeat mistakes. Be wiser and better. This does not guarantee the child a carefree childhood without frustration and resentment, but significantly minimizes their number.

Psychologist's help

How to work through and forgive an insult to your mother? On your own is almost impossible. If you feel that you are unable to resolve internal conflict without outside help, consult a psychologist. Unlike friends and relatives, a psychologist is a professional who knows how to deal with such situations.

Communication is strictly confidential. You can trust me and tell me about your experiences. Not a word will be passed on to third parties.

I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow, but if you wish, you can use Skype technologies. To do this, make an appointment using the feedback form or by phone.

Why resentment against the mother arises, where this emotion originates - I need to understand this in order to get out to live. Training System-vector psychology helps to understand how constant grievances against the mother impoverish life, inhibit possible development, do not allow building relationships ...

What hard work I had to admit that this pain - resentment against my mother - is destroying me, only God knows. And how I would like to say that I love you, mom, dear ... But I can't. After all, I expect this from you even more, I have waited all my life. I don't know a life without offense at you. When and why did we begin to lay brick by brick this wall of incomprehension, alienation, cold and irritation separating us?

I have always been, am and will be your child. We are connected by the fact that I live - thanks to you, mom! Therefore, the feeling of resentment and guilt for the fact that I feel it are so intertwined in me and have grown into each other that it is almost impossible to distinguish between them. I burn with pain, frustration and anger at myself. But even more - on you.

How resentment against my mother prevents me from living

Why resentment against the mother arises, where this emotion originates - I need to understand this in order to get out to live.

I remember myself as a small child, trying by hook or by crook to climb onto your lap, look into your eyes, clasp your neck with your hands, but you never allowed. I have asked thousands of times: "Mom, do you love me?" In response, you were either silent or threw irritated "Yes", if only I fell behind. Unfortunately, my memory plays a cruel joke on me, because I don't want to remember it.

I don’t want to remember that once I stopped pronouncing the word “love”, especially in your presence, so as not to upset and not anger you, and over time it turned for me almost into obscene, dirty. It is not customary to love in our house. I never managed to create a family. I have never been able to believe that someone can love me.

I don’t want to remember that you never touched me like I’m a leper, except that you beat me for any mistake. And needless to say that every day I made more and more of these missteps. Now I do not allow anyone to touch me, with any intentions.

I don't want to remember how you screamed and punished me, with or without reason, for doing everything wrong, wrong, too slowly. And I want to forget how awkward I felt, how treacherously my heart began to pound and my hands tremble, how I began to stutter and how it made you even more angry. And for some reason in my life I have remained in the same position: I try, I make excuses, I feel insignificant, and no one appreciates me.

I do not want to remember your furious look from under the brows and this feeling of being sentenced to death. Now I can’t bear it when other people, whoever is looking at me. And I myself, too, can not look in the eyes.

I don’t want to remember how I started asking “someone” to take me home every time before going to bed, because at some point I stopped feeling that you are really my mother, that a real mother could do this to me.

And I don’t want to remember how I began to feel unworthy of this life and how clearly my passion for self-destruction began to be traced in all spheres of my existence, because I do everything not to be, not to interfere with anyone, not to start anything, to disappear.

I was stuck there, I stalled, I never grew up, I remained the same little child with eyes full of hope for your love, mom.

I need you so much, mom. Not your borscht and cutlets that you so diligently stuffed into me, not your orders and cleaning, not your inhuman ideality, infallibility and impeccability, but your warmth, quite a bit. After all, we are not eternal, and someday you will leave, and I am afraid that this memory is the only thing that will remain after you.

The psychology of resentment against the mother

It is obvious that a person goes through the main stages of the formation of resentment in childhood. And I would never have been able to figure out how to get rid of feelings of resentment against my mother if I had not attended Yuri Burlan's training in System-Vector Psychology. I felt that they knew who I was here. This means that I no longer need to pretend and pretend to be something that does not exist. It was as if someone kind took my hand and clearly outlined the causes and effects.

And it became clear that the past had passed, and only I myself was responsible for the present. Learning to forgive - as well as overcoming feelings of resentment and injustice towards you - turned out to be real. Just as the gym changes the body, the awareness of one's nature changes the soul, psyche.

It turned out that my resentment is natural, and the feeling of resentment towards my mother is explained by the fact that I am the owner in certain states of the psyche. But I was ready to put up with any name, just to get rid of at least a small part of this burden from my own shoulders. And that was just the beginning.

Where does resentment come from

Trying to get rid of the resentment against my mother, I had no idea that it turns out that I did not need to think about how to deal with myself. Everything turns out exactly the opposite. When you recognize yourself as different from others, there is a healing acceptance of your own properties and manifestations at the deepest level, although sometimes not without resistance. I had to work hard on myself in order to recognize myself as the owner of the anal vector. Yes, life has a sense of humor.

The owner of the anal vector can identify himself by a number of properties:

The memory is better than most people. Sometimes it is even called phenomenal. Such memory is given to this vector for the best ability to accumulate knowledge in order to further transfer it to future generations, that is, to teach, develop. From the owners of the anal vector it turns out best teachers, the master. They have no equal in the transfer of experience.

But if this property is used not for realization, not for the good of the society in which you live, then this is the opposite aim: what was given for the good is used to the detriment of oneself. Memory starts to get in the way, because you remember all the bad things that happened to you, with all the emotions and the accompanying feeling of injustice, the more resentment: to your mother, to life, to the president, to God, etc.

A specific sense of justice or desire - "to be even, equally" - is another property of the anal psyche. The expectation of praise, approval, assessment is formed from it: "how much you give - so much you should receive." Gratitude, recognition are necessary for such people to feel mental balance.

If this is not the case, then the balance is disturbed, an imbalance occurs: insult as a feeling that I deserve, but they didn’t give me enough, they owe me. This is the strongest stress for the carrier of the anal vector, a crisis experience. And if it occurs at an age when the human psyche is still being formed, then this causes inhibition in development, which also leaves its imprint on adult life. Resentment itself focuses on the past, preventing you from going forward.

There is a person like this, inside of whom sits a little offended boy, and even if he wants to do something in life, he cannot, because he is afraid, does not trust life and people, constantly expects a trick from them. Because he remembers his first unsuccessful experience, which did not allow him to step forward, warning him every time: nothing will work, we tried, we know.

Resentment carried through the whole life

Mother is the first especially significant person in the life of any person. And for the owner of the anal vector, the mother is something sacred, almost a deity. He expects her recognition, her love and approval especially strongly. If something went wrong in their relationship, then this has a detrimental effect on the development and further life of such a person.

An imbalance in the psyche inevitably entails psychosomatics, one of the manifestations of which is, for example, problems with the gastrointestinal tract.

Taking offense at my mother, I kind of preserve myself, fix myself in a state of lack. This is a stupor, discontent spreading to everything around, this being stuck in the past, as if the legs were bogged down in a quagmire. It is a constant backward direction, when my present is an endless experience of the pain of the past. This state excludes the possibility of a future.

Moreover, when you live in a state of resentment, it turns out that unconsciously, without knowing it, you fall into a trap: every decision you make in life turns out to be dictated by it - your bitter resentment. And when you suddenly realize that you have lived your whole life guided by the limitations of the offended anal vector, you want to cry.

It helps to understand how constant resentment against the mother impoverishes life, inhibits possible development, and does not allow building relationships.

It is possible to get rid of resentment

It is possible to understand how to cope with feelings of resentment towards a mother, perhaps when you realize the differences between yourself and her psyche, when you realize that her reactions were dictated not by a bad attitude towards you, but by the unbearable inner pain that she was carrying without being able to somehow alleviate , with someone to share. She didn't want to hurt, she just didn't know how much pain she was hurting. I didn't know what was right, because I perceived you through my properties, through my pain.

A huge wave of compassion for her, for her such difficult motherhood, for this merciless, but already almost criminal psychological illiteracy (because she does not exempt from responsibility) gives rise to a frantic desire to do everything so that this never happens again, so that this wave of pain stops at to me.

And maybe that's why I, like a routine, repeat "I love" my son a hundred times a day. And I tell him that there is no one better than him in this world. And I am ready to carry him in my arms endlessly and kiss his cheeks, and hug, and listen to all his stories. I really hope that when he grows up, if suddenly he has difficult times, my love will support him.

And I really hope that I will have time and that I can someday say that I love you, no matter what, mom.

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-vector psychology»

Having given birth to a child, we do not cease to be children ourselves. And, in turn, we argue, swear and sort things out with our mothers.

Mom constantly advises something, tries to impose her opinion, climbs into your relationship with your husband, teaches you how to raise children, or, even worse, has completely withdrawn? It is difficult to be an understanding daughter when you are an adult, and you yourself have a family, work, interests.

It happens that mothers try:

• not letting go of your daughter: as a result, her personal life suffers;
• to grow out of your daughter "another myself", imposing your taste and your views and in every possible way rejecting the daughter's opinion, if it does not coincide with her own;
• to adjust the husband of the daughter to your ideal;
• withdraw completely: the daughter is an adult and must figure it out herself.

How to behave? There is no need to go ahead or make a scandal. Mom is dear and close person, the relationship with whom is very important. Try to eliminate the factors provoking such situations.

Live separately!

Young people should live as their own family. It is practically impossible for all parties to be happy in the same apartment when everyday life is stuck, and a young family can neither retire nor talk. But if it so happens that it is impossible to leave, you should try at least to rest from each other. Going on vacation (especially if the atmosphere in the house is tense), traveling more.

You need to live separately not only physically, but also psychologically. Many commit big mistake devoting all the details to moms family life... Consulting means shifting responsibility. Council after advice, and now mom is already a full-fledged mistress of the situation, dictates her own rules and makes decisions. And who is to blame for this?

Do not wash dirty linen in public

The older we are, the more mom becomes a friend to us. But all the same, before talking about your quarrels with your husband, you need to think carefully. Even if it has accumulated! Even if at this moment it seems that the spouse is completely wrong! Peace may soon be established with her husband, but my mother will remember how he offended her daughter, and the reproaches will pour in for a long time. Do not rush to retell your mother's words to your husband, do not escalate the situation.

Children - for themselves

Many believe that a mother is simply obliged to devote herself entirely to her grandchildren and help her daughter at the first call. In fact, this is not the case. Mothers have already raised us, and becoming grandmothers, they are not obliged to forget about their personal life, about their worries and interests and turn into round-the-clock nannies. If we accept this point of view, then half conflict situations will simply disappear.

We look at mom differently

If we consider ourselves independent and adults, then it is simply necessary to look at mom not from the position of a little offended girl, but from the position of an adult.

• Let's put ourselves in her place, we will feel all the circumstances of life. This is especially necessary for those who have accumulated grievances for actions committed or imperfect by their mother in the past: for example, they did not force them to wear glasses in childhood, and because of this, their eyesight deteriorated, or they did not send them to a music school, but such a talent was gone! Ask the parent how she lived at that time, what worries were, what the financial situation in the family. Surely there are a lot of circumstances that you did not even know about. Then the grievances will go away by themselves. If not, then understand that mom is a common person which can be wrong too. Forgive her for that.
• We don't like it when someone else's opinion is imposed on us, do we? We do not impose our own. If you don't like something about your mom: appearance, habit, manner, lifestyle, you need to talk about it carefully. If mom doesn’t listen, then it’s worth accepting her for who she is.
• Can't forgive and accept? Emotions are just asking to come out? We are writing a letter to mom. We describe everything that has accumulated - without hiding. We throw everything there until the soul becomes calm. And then we tear the letter, burn it or delete it (if it is electronic). After such psychotherapy, you will be able to constructively build a dialogue with your mother and say everything with restraint and calmness, without offending her.
• And of course, we don’t forget to call our mothers, visit them, take an interest in their life, and help. Even if now our views do not coincide, they are still relatives and close people for us. And our relationship is also an example for growing children. Let this example be positive.