How to express your point of view and not quarrel? The structure of I - utterances. A way of solving conflict situations: "I-statements"

Our communication habits often create a barrier to mutual understanding. Anger, resentment and irritation are kept inside, destroying health, or uncontrollably splash out on others and thereby spoil the relationship. The inability to convey desires and requests to others in an innocuous way interferes with intimacy and normal communication.

Psychologists use in practice a variety of professional techniques for constructive communication, and the self-expression technique is one of them. Most people are not specialists in the field of psychology, but with some diligence they can learn the skill of productive communication.

I am a statement

The self-statement, as opposed to conflict communication, is rightfully considered one of the components of the art of healthy and fruitful communication. Any person has a rich set of feelings and emotions. But not everyone is able to recognize and name "by name" the feeling that has possessed him. This skill is very valuable, it is called emotional literacy or emotional intelligence... However, it is not enough just to be aware of your feelings, it is important to be able to express them in a healthy way, that is, to speak.

It is also important to understand what is happening with your partner and to measure your actions with his feelings. I am the statement - good tool to achieve emotional literacy, he teaches how to dispense with outdated techniques such as reproach, criticism and devaluation.

Self-statements versus conflicting statements

"You always shout at me!"

"You annoy me with your lateness!" Or "I'm worried when you are late, it would be easier for me if you called."

"Don't interfere with work!"

These examples demonstrate the contrast between non-constructive communication and open-mindedness. The first ones affect the personality of the interlocutor, offend him, and often cause a conflict. The latter express exclusively the feelings of the speaker, there are no accusations and reproaches in them.

How to learn?

Probably, the I-statement technique at first will seem unusual and complicated, but everyone can master it, the main thing is to start. You should be sensitive to your feelings when tension or irritation appears within yourself. Saying to yourself: "I think I am angry", "I am sad", "I am afraid", "I am ashamed."

It's great if you can identify your emotion by linking its appearance to a specific reason. Realized, understood - we are moving forward. Then you need to speak, react to the actions or words of the partner, for which the I-statement will serve. The main thing is not to get confused and not to say something like: “I feel hurt when you yell at me”, because the second part of this message completely cancels the first one. And in the message: “I feel hurt when they shout at me”, the speech is about the feeling and the reason for its appearance, the partner's personality is not affected. This self-statement is positive and friendly.

I-statement can be short and laconic (I am offended when they yell at me) or long (I am offended when they yell at me, I see that it is not easy for you to speak now, let's discuss everything when we calm down). The long phrase contains a message about feelings and empathy for the partner's state is added, after which it is suggested to resume the conversation later.

Of course, it is not so easy to immediately rebuild and start saying "correctly", but with some effort everything will work out, it is only important to listen carefully to yourself.

“I am so glad that you were born with us”, “your attention is pleasant and dear to me”, “I am grateful to you for being around” - these phrases will help improve relations between spouses, raise the child's self-esteem, and strengthen friendship. From such phrases, the soul warms, care and love sound in them. These are also I-statements, and they are guaranteed to please others.

Is it always relevant?

The use of self-expression techniques is not effective in all life situations. If the conflict is in full swing, people raise their voices, or even fight, the message about the feelings of one is unlikely to be heard by the other. In a work collective, the self-statement will be appropriate in a friendly conversation, sometimes in business negotiations, but it can sound ridiculous in other circumstances. For example, if an employee is regularly late or does not complete his tasks, it is unnecessary for his boss to talk about his feelings about this.

Great opportunities!

An open communication style will give a powerful incentive for positive changes in the family system, promote rapprochement, and help improve well-being and mood. Children living in an atmosphere of mutual trust know how to be friends, study well, calmly share their experiences with their parents. They know that at home they will always be listened to and understood. At work or with friends, the use of self-expression is a great key to mutual dialogue and friendly communication.

Author Rumyantseva T.V.
Increasing emotional competence and improving mutual understanding in communication with both very close people and with acquaintances, colleagues, involves mastering the technique formulation of I - statements, as well as its application in conflict and difficult life situations, as a constructive way of expressing one's emotions and experiences.

How to express your point of view and not quarrel? How to reach mutual understanding with relatives, friends, colleagues? I-statements can help.

I will give a piece from my book about I-statements

(Rumyantseva T.V. Self-regulation and professional identity of teachers of secondary schools. Monograph. - Yaroslavl: MOU GTsRO, 2012, 178 p. Source):

I-statement (or I-message) is a message to the interlocutor about his experience in connection with a certain event.

The structure of the self-statement includes four main components (1-4) and two additional (5 and 6):

1) "When …" (the non-judgmental factual side of the event is described, i.e. what happened, as accurately and concretely as possible).

2) "I felt ..." or "I liked / did not like" (it says what emotion, feelings were experienced).

3) "Because ...." (explains why this feeling arose, what significance this event has for the speaker).

4) "I want ...." (the desired scenario is proposed).

5) "I hope ...." (either a positive outcome of the development of the situation is stated, or the possibility of reaching an agreement on the development of the situation is discussed).

6) "Otherwise ..."(either sanctions are spoken in the event of a negative development of the situation, or a warning about an unwanted change in relations).

Self-statements can carry positive or negative connotations depending on the sign of the emotional reaction represented. A competently formulated and expressed I-statement contributes to both improving the well-being of the speaker himself and regulating conflict situations in the relationship of family members, colleagues, clarifying and deepening mutual understanding (between spouses, parents and children, colleagues).

An example of a negative self-statement (a statement that contains a description of negative emotions):

“When, instead of coming home at 19.00, you return at 23.00, without warning about the delay. / I feel fear, and anger, and anxiety. / I think that something terrible has happened to you, I worry. On the other hand, I get angry when I think that you don't care much about me, if you make me worry without warning about the delay. / I want you to come home on time - at 19.00. And if you are late, you would have warned in advance. / I hope that you will take into account my wish. / Otherwise, I will be very offended by you, and we will quarrel. "

An example of a positive self-statement (a statement that contains a description of positive emotions):

“When you come home earlier than usual (before 19.00). / I am glad. / Because we have more time to spend together. I like talking to you so much! / I want you to come home early as often as possible. / I hope so.

It is important to note that the formulation of an I-statement is a difficult task, and it is not always possible to immediately accurately formulate one's reaction in the form of an emotion, and in the form of a thought, and in the form of a desire, and in the form of a designated fact. It takes training in formulating each component, first for oneself, and then for transmission to another. At first, the formulation of the I-statement is possible only for oneself.

With the development of the skill of formulating self-statements, the ability to control one's emotions develops, the effectiveness of self-regulation increases, since the formulation of self-messages involves not only full analysis situations of interaction, but also the deepening of introspection, reflection of their emotions, desires.

It is especially effective to use I-statements to express such emotions as resentment, anger, aggression, anxiety, fear. Expressing these feelings openly helps to cope with many conflict situations more constructively, it is very important for the prevention of psychosomatic diseases.

The ability of adults in the family to express their feelings and emotions in the form of self-statements helps children to master this very important communication skill. Helps to improve mutual understanding and contact between parents and children.

At individual and family consultations (face-to-face and online), we analyze with clients options for formulating I-statements for especially difficult and conflict situations from their professional or personal life..

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More my articles close to this topic.

I-statement is a form of statement in which a person speaks about his intentions and state, about his feelings, trying not to offend or blame his interlocutor.

Technique "I-statement" - effective reception in communication, softening emotional stress and preventing the emergence of conflict situations.

The benefits of the "I - statements" technique

How does an ordinary, seemingly harmless quarrel begin? With certain objections or misunderstandings, you might say. And you will be right. And why do such everyday quarrels often develop into a conflict? Because we all make the same strategic mistakes by attacking and blaming our partner. At the same time, we criticize his personal qualities and generalize all situations, actions and actions.

Such accusations most often begin with the pronouns attacking the partner "Yes, you": "You always behave in such a way that it only makes me worse", "You never say anything good to me, you just swear", "You really are don't care, you only think about yourself. " In addition to various accusations, we use generalizations like "Always" or "Never", which only add fuel to the fire, forcing your partner to go on the attack.

Any accusations easily escalate into a conflict, but the use of the "I - statements" technique, namely the transition from "You" to "I", to describe your feelings usually softens a tense situation. As the saying goes, feel the difference:

"Do you think with your head, what are you talking about at all?" or "I hate to hear what you just said." The last expression of one's feelings sounds, of course, softer and more polite, and the opponent does not make sense to defend himself, on the contrary, there is a desire to discuss a controversial issue.

Technique "I - statements" in conflict prevention

When using the "I - statements" technique, there are opportunities:
declare their intentions without prejudice to their own interests;
relieve tension without leading to conflict;
be confident and truthful in the words spoken;
keep personal qualities blocking the path to manipulation and pressure;
provide the partner with the right to choose;
take into account the details of the contradictions and find an acceptable solution for both.

Cautions When Using the I-Say Technique

However, you need to be careful: if this technique is applied thoughtlessly, it will not prevent conflicts, but multiply. In fact, it is not the “I-statement” technique itself that helps to prevent the conflict, but above all politeness and correctness, as well as the desire to understand the interlocutor and the ability to softly, tactfully formulate your position and your interests.

For example, such a description of your feelings as: "I am furious when I see unwashed dishes" will start a scandal from half a turn.

Or “I’m annoyed when you’re late for a date” - perhaps you talk about your feelings of annoyance, but it turned out to be an accusation of being late. Similarly, the phrase “I was so worried while you were away, and it hurt me that you didn’t call me” - while retaining (seemingly) the form of “I-statement”, this phrase is at the same time an injection, an accusation and a rather rude psychological pressure on partner.

If in your “I-statements” you think only about yourself and your feelings, then by itself you will provoke a conflict.

Avoid "I-Saying" when you are experiencing intense irritation or anger. First, you will need to calm down and come to your senses, and then already understand how you actually feel about specific situation, and only then use the technique "I am statements"

The correct "I-statements" need to be learned, turning them more into soft requests and "I-messages". Often, self-statements are used as a way to attract additional attention to oneself, in order to pursue a purely personal interest. “I”, “I”, “I have” ... so do not be surprised that sometimes such statements are perceived negatively, as manifestations of egocentrism or even narcissism.

Algorithm "I - statements"

“When… .. I feel ……. I would like to……"
For example, "When someone yells at me, I get upset and want to leave the room."

How to use the “I - statements” technique?

1. Begin the phrase with a description of the fact that does not suit you in the behavior or action of another person. I emphasize, exactly the fact! No emotion or assessment of a person as a person. For example, like this: "When you are late ..."

3. Then you need to explain what effect this behavior has on you or others. In an example with a delay, the continuation may be like this: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze,” “because I don’t know the reason for your being late,” “because I have little time to communicate with you,” and so on.

4. In the final part of the phrase, you must inform about your desire, that is, what kind of behavior you would like to see instead of the one that caused you dissatisfaction. Let's continue the same example with a delay: "I would really like you to call me if you can't come on time."

As a result, instead of the accusation “You are late again,” we get a phrase like “When you are late, I worry because I don’t know the reason for your lateness. I would really like you to call me if you cannot come on time. "

Examples of the "I am statements" technique

“You always do your own thing” can be replaced with the I-statement “When you do everything your way, I get upset because I think that my opinion is not important to you. I would be glad if we decided together what to do. "

"You don't love me anymore", and an example of "I am statements": "The manifestation of your feelings is important for me"

"Why are you interrupting me all the time?"

"Why are you being rude to me" and an example of "I am statements": "I will try to be patient if you learn to respect me"

“You are terrible in your behavior” and “I am the saying”: “Your behavior upset me. You don't have to do this anymore. "

“You use my things without permission” “I am a statement”: “I feel uncomfortable when things are located in other places. Ask for permission and I'll be happy to tell you how to use them and where they are. "

"You only live by your work." Example "I am statements": "I feel lonely in the evenings without you"

"You are not listening to me." or "I am a statement": "Your opinion is important to me, listen to me"

Using the self-statement technique requires some experience, since it is not always possible to quickly navigate and rearrange a phrase, but over time it will get better and better. The technique of self-expression does not force the partner to defend himself, but, on the contrary, invites him to dialogue, makes it possible to express his opinion and maintain mutual respect.

The "I-utterance" technique is, on the one hand, very simple, and on the other, a construction that is not so often used in speech. Why? Perhaps due to the fact that not everyone knows about this technique. Let's figure out what's what.

"I-utterance" conveys to another person your non-judgmental attitude towards a certain object, event, situation.

Algorithm "I-utterance"

1. Objectively describe the events, the situation without expression, causing tension ("When I see that ...", "When this happens ...").

2. Describe your emotional reaction, precisely name your feeling in this situation ("I feel ...", "I am upset ...", "I do not know how to react ...").

3. Explain the reasons for this feeling and express your own wishes ("Because I do not love ...", "I would like to ...").

4. Provide as many alternative options as possible ("Perhaps you should do this ...", "Next time do ...")

5. Give additional information to the partner regarding the problem (explanation).

Situation + I - Feeling + Explanation

"You are a statement" / "I am a statement"

* You never listen to me! / When I see that you are not listening to me, it is unpleasant for me, because I say quite important things. Please be more attentive to what I say.

* What are you talking to me all the time? / I find it difficult to speak when someone else is talking at the same time with me. If you have a question, ask it. Perhaps if you listen to me carefully, then you will have fewer questions later.

* You are always rude! / When you talk to me incorrectly, I get annoyed and don't want to communicate with you anymore. In my opinion, you can be more respectful towards me. In turn, I will try to be more tolerant.

* You always behave badly! / In this situation, you behaved ugly. I am offended by this behavior. You know how to be different, so please be more restrained next time.

* You always take the magazine off the table without asking! / When things are taken from my table without asking, in particular a magazine, it is unpleasant for me. Perhaps I want to work with him soon. Therefore, I do not mind that you take the magazine, but first ask me if you can do it.

Active listening

It is much more pleasant for each person to communicate with an interlocutor who knows how to listen, and not just chat. All studies conducted prove that only ten percent of people can listen to their interlocutor. In the article, you will learn the basic types and techniques of active listening.

Each person wants to see in his interlocutor a friendly and attentive listener who happily supports the conversation. Therefore, everyone is pleased to communicate not with the person who knows how to speak, but with the one who knows how to listen. It is no coincidence that the direction of active empathic listening has been introduced to improve the qualifications of managers of the world's leading countries.

The most important point in listening is the feedback, thanks to which the interlocutor has the feeling that his words are not spoken in empty, but are important for the interlocutor. In various utterances, there are two content levels: the emotional level and the informational level. Also, there are two types of feedback: a reflection of the speaker's feelings and a reflection of information.

There are several methods of active listening: assent; deaf silence - lack of reaction; "Mirror" - repetition of the last phrase of your interlocutor with a change in the order of words; "Echo reaction" - repetition last word your interlocutor; motivation; suggestive questions; clarifying questions; "Paraphrase" - conveying the essence of the interlocutor's statement in other words; continuation - the listener wedges himself into the story of his interlocutor and diligently tries to complete his phrase; estimates and advice; emotions; "Boorish reactions"; irrelevant statements - statements that are not at all relevant to this case or are only formally related; logical consequences - assumptions about the cause of the events taking place from the statements of the interlocutor; neglect of the interlocutor - lack of attention to the words of the partner or ignoring the interlocutor; interrogation - asking many questions without specifying its purpose.

In the methods of active listening, three measures are distinguished: understanding; support; commenting.

During the period of support for the conversation, the most important goal is to give the interlocutor an opportunity to express the accepted position, the appropriate reactions of the listener to the interlocutor at this stage - assent, silence, emotional "accompaniment", "echo".

In order to understand that you correctly understood your interlocutor during the process of clarifying the goal, leading and clarifying questions are asked, a paraphrase. At the moment of commenting on his interlocutor, the listener should express his opinion about what he heard - the listener gives his assessments, advice or comments.

There are such types of listening: active listening, empathic listening and passive listening.

During active listening, the reflection of information is in the foreground. Generally accepted techniques of active listening: constant clarification of the correct understanding of the information heard with the help of clarifying questions. The types and techniques of active listening only work if you take into account the current situation, the content of the conversation, and the emotional state of your partner. Also, the techniques and types of active listening are best used only when the other person is equal to you.

There are situations when you need to listen to a person who is in emotional affect, so in this situation the types and techniques of active listening will not work in any way, because at that moment your interlocutor will be just a person who cannot control his emotions and is unable to grasp the content conversation. In this case, you should reassure your partner so that he can cope with self-control and only then can you continue the conversation on an equal footing. In situations like this, passive listening works great. So, when a person is in a state of emotional passion, it is recommended to just listen to him and give him the opportunity to understand that you support him and listen carefully, it is best to use - "uh-huh-reactions."

The emotional state of a person resembles a pendulum, because having reached the highest point of emotional intensity, emotions begin to calm down, then the strength of feelings increases, reaches the highest point and again falls. If the person does not interfere with the pendulum process, he will fully speak out and calm down, and then you can continue a normal conversation.

Without exception, all people want to share their experiences and feelings with them, and also understand. Therefore, the most important thing is to empathize and understand the feelings of the partner. And the secret to excellent listening is to give your interlocutor relief and open up new unprecedented ways to understand your own self.

Conclusion: empathic listening makes it possible to experience the same feelings that your partner experiences, reflect these same feelings, understand the emotional state of your interlocutor and share it. Also, it is important to know that empathic listening does not give advice, judgment, criticism, teachings, and morality.

There are a number of rules for empathic listening:

The most important thing is to tune in to listening, that is, to forget about your problems for a certain amount of time, because this is the only way you can understand the emotions of your partner.

In your reactions to the statements of the interlocutor, you should express feelings, emotions and feelings.

Maintaining pauses. After your answers, the interlocutor should think and be silent, and you should know that this is only his time and you should not clog it with his own clarifications and considerations.

With empathic listening, you only need to reflect the feelings of your partner and you do not need to explain to him the reason for these feelings.

If your partner is excited, it is best to keep the conversation going. short phrases and interjections.

"I" - statements and "You" - statements "You interrupt me all the time!" “It's hard for me to speak when someone else is talking at the same time as me. I am offended and it seems that you are not interested in talking to me. If you have a question, ask it. Perhaps, if you listen to me to the end, then you will have fewer questions. "

"I" - statements and "You" - statements "You are always rude!" “When I hear your words, I get annoyed and don't want to communicate anymore. I know that you can be more respectful to me. That would be so nice to me. In turn, I will try to be more tolerant. "

Scheme of constructing "I" - statements O The phrase begins with facts: a description of the behavior of another person that does not satisfy you, or a description of a situation that caused tension ("When I see that you ..."; "When this happens ..."; "When I am faced with the fact that ... "); O Followed by a description of your rational or emotional reactions to this behavior ("I feel ..."; "I do not know how to react ..."; "I have a problem ...");

Scheme of building "I" - statements O The following explains why this behavior is difficult for you, the reasons for this feeling are called (thoughts about the two previous points ("I think ...", "I think ...", etc.); O The message ends with a wish what you would like and what you intend to do.

Scheme of building "I" - statements The arrangement of statements from "I" consists of: o events; o reactions of the individual; o the preferred outcome for the individual. Self-criticism and adjustment work very effectively in "I" - statements. "I" - the statement presupposes the ability to self-disclosure.

Exercise "I-statements" Purpose: to learn to formulate "I" - messages in everyday communication. Replace “You” - messages (left column) with “I” - statements (right column). Then the group is divided into pairs. The first numbers are invited to make "You" - statements, and the second numbers should be replaced as soon as possible with "I" - messages. Then the pairs change places.

Exercise "I - statements" "You" - statements "I" - statements It's just your selfishness! I AM recent times I don’t feel the same concern from you. What is the reason for this? You are not able to understand another person! You don't care what I think! You don't love me anymore! You don't put me in anything and you do everything in your own way! You always do just the way you want!

Exercise "I-Utterances" Exercise 2: Think "You" first - a statement that still hurts you. Tell the group about it. The triplet tries to understand what need drove the uttered "You" - the statement, and reformulate it into "I" - the statement. Exercise 3: prescribe 10 "I" - statements. APPENDIX Scheme of building "I" - statements O The phrase begins with facts: a description of the behavior of another person that does not satisfy you, or a description of the situation that caused tension ("When I see that you ..."; "When this happens ..."; " When I am faced with the fact that ... "); O Followed by a description of your rational or emotional reactions to this behavior ("I feel ..."; "I do not know how to react ..."; "I have a problem ..."); O The following explains why this behavior is difficult for you, the reasons for this feeling are called (thoughts about the two previous points ("I think ...", "I think ...", etc.); O The message ends with a wish for what you would like and what you intend to do.