Why is a person shy. Steps to Overcoming Shyness. We solve psychological problems

It is better to start solving a problem with an analysis. Therefore, take the time to remember and write down all the situations in which you feel embarrassed. Be very specific. Instead of “talking to people,” indicate which people you are talking about: strangers, members of the opposite sex, or those in power.

When you break a problem apart, it already seems to be more solvable.

Then try to arrange the recorded situations in order of increasing anxiety (most likely, calling a stranger causes less anxiety than speaking in front of an audience).

Going forward, this list can be used as a plan for dealing with shyness. By starting small, you will cope with increasingly difficult situations. And with each new victory, the feeling of confidence will grow, and shyness, accordingly, will decrease.

2. Record your strengths

Another checklist to help you combat embarrassment is about your positive qualities. As a rule, the reason for shyness is c. Fight her mercilessly, reminding yourself of your own magnificence (this is not a joke).

Try to find a downside even for flaws. It may be difficult for you to lead a long monologue, but you are an excellent listener. This communication skill can and should be used too.

3. Decide on a goal

Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with life, but you need to explain to yourself what exactly it interferes with you. It is possible that the formulated goal will become the impetus for overcoming the old problem.

Despite the fact that I perform, write and host radio shows, at heart I am an introvert. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. This required me to get out of my shell and deliver a message to the world. I got over my shyness by realizing that only I can deliver my message correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make it easier for myself to speak in public and meet new people.

Eric Holtzclaw

4. Exercise

Skills must be honed, and those that interfere with life must be systematically eradicated. All this applies to sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.

Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in your brain that is launched in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go backwards and do the opposite of what you are used to. Want to hide in a corner at a party? Go to the thick of things. Caught yourself thinking that you are taking a defensive position in a conversation? Try asking the other person a few questions.
Talk to strangers. Try to talk to one stranger at least once a day (preferably with a stranger). Most likely, you will never see it again, so feel free to hone your communication skills on it.
In general, communicate more. Try to use every opportunity to make contact with people. Tell jokes, agree to perform, say hello to those you meet often but never greet.
Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party, but are afraid to approach him? Practice with people who are less embarrassing. When it comes to acquaintance, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the right person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
And always get ready to speak publicly. But don't limit yourself to just repeating speech. Visualize your future audience success. This will give you confidence.

5. Focus on others

The problem with shy people is that they think too much of themselves and the impression they will make on others. Try to redirect the flow of thoughts away from yourself to others. Be interested, ask, empathize. When you focus on the other person, anxiety about your own behavior fades into the background.

6. Try new things

Get out of your comfort zone. Firstly, this step will positively affect your self-esteem, and secondly, it will diversify your life. You can enroll in a sports section or art courses. Another great option is improvisation workshops. Such activities help to liberate oneself.

7. Watch your body language

Making eye contact, correct posture, speaking loudly and clearly, and smiling and shaking hands firmly inform others of your confidence and openness. Not only that, with these signals you fool your brain a little and really start to feel more free.

8. Say "no" less often

Much has been said about. But shy people, on the other hand, should avoid it. Their refusal (expressed in both word and action) is often dictated by fear of the unknown and an unfounded fear of shame. If you want to stop being shy, learn to say yes to the opportunities life presents.

10. Don't advertise your shyness

You should not concentrate your and others' attention on the fact that you have communication problems. So you label yourself and subconsciously reinforce the belief that shyness is your constant trait.

Even if others notice your shyness, pretend that this is an accident, talk about it lightly, and not as a serious problem. Are you starting to blush? Say that this is a feature of your body, and not a reaction to stress. And never characterize yourself as shy in front of strangers. Let them form their own opinion and notice other, more interesting features of yours.

Do you know other ways to stop being shy? Share them in the comments.

Let's agree right away that we will not advise you, following the example of a famous heroine, to engage in self-hypnosis and repeat in front of the mirror “I am the most self-confident and uninhibited”. To not just find out how to stop being ashamed of people, but to really overcome the shyness complex, let us first try to understand the reasons for this phenomenon.

Why are people shy?

You don't have to be Dr. Freud to understand the origins of this psychological problem. As with all personality complexes, its roots should be sought in the past: conscious and unconscious. Take some free time and try to do some introspection. Think about any situations in your past life that provoked excessive modesty.

Finding out the causes of shyness

The earliest origins of fear of people can be found in parental suggestion not to communicate with strangers... Perhaps you no longer remember how your mother tried to persuade you not to respond to the offer of evil uncles to open the door in the apartment or get into someone else's car to go to the water park. Taking into account modern realities, she wished only good for you, and tried to secure your life. But such an indisputably useful "attitude towards goodness" was entrenched in consciousness and had a negative effect in the form of continued shyness in front of strangers.

Another possible reason for shyness is situations where people who are important to you showed incorrect relationship, for example, told ill-wishers about your mistake, laughed at the results of work, etc. The most powerful consequences could have been caused by circumstances associated with strong negative emotions: fear, tears, resentment.

Shyness sometimes occurs due to our desire to be better than everyone and excessive self-criticism... The higher the level of our requirements for ourselves, the more difficult it is to get out of the "twilight" and start communication.

Sometimes we subconsciously copy the behavior of someone close to loved ones.... Remember your parents, acquaintances from childhood: were they not ashamed of people in the same way that you are doing it now?

So, having found out the true reasons for your shyness, it's time to start taking concrete actions to eliminate it.

We increase motivation

If children's shyness makes it difficult to ask peers for the toy they like or to answer correctly in the lesson, then it can bring much more trouble to an adult.

Modesty is certainly not a vice, but excessive shyness can interfere with a successful career and personal life. This quality is able to hide from others not only your shortcomings, but also talents. At the same time, negative aspects remain in the same place, and talents do not find their proper embodiment and perish.

Shyness in front of people and fear of communication is a common problem. It is most often encountered by introverted people and adolescents. It is extremely important for them what impression they make on others and whether others like them.

What is shyness? In psychology, this is the state of a person and the behavior caused by it, the main features of which are insecurity, indecision, awkwardness, constraint in the movements and manifestations of one's own personality.

Different psychological schools in their own way explain the root causes of shyness and, accordingly, offer different options for solving the problem. Each person decides for himself which of them is closer to his personality, character and life experience.

Differential psychology. According to this theory, shyness is an innate quality and is inherited. Confidence is impossible to learn. A rather pessimistic view of the problem, since an innate personality trait does not lend itself to change.
Behaviorism. According to the theory of behaviorism, any human behavior is a reaction to incoming stimuli, which, under certain circumstances and the strength of emotional involvement, becomes part of the personality. So it is with shyness - people could not master with a feeling of fear of the stimuli of the social environment, which ultimately led to pathological insecurity in communicating with people.
Psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysts explain shyness by the presence of an unconscious conflict in the structure of the personality. In their opinion, this is the reaction of the unconscious to unmet instinctive needs and the conflict between moral norms, reality and instincts.
Individual psychology. Followers of this trend actively explored shyness and the “inferiority complex” closely related to it, which appears in childhood, when a child begins to compare himself with his peers, often meets his own imperfections and begins to be ashamed of his appearance, his abilities, family, etc. If a child has insufficiently formed self-confidence, he becomes fearful, withdrawn, passive. However, it is in this direction of psychology that special attention is paid to the possibilities of personality self-development, i.e. shyness is not a predetermined problem, which means that it is possible to get rid of it by working on oneself.
The theory of "high reactivity". According to her, the tendency to be shy is the body's response to overload. Moreover, the consequences of this reaction can be of two options:

the child seeks to "avoid", does not like to communicate and get acquainted, becomes insecure and fearful in public;
the child enters into a struggle, is overly self-confident.

Shyness can be based on two reasons: natural and social. Natural means character, temperament, type of nervous system. Social - the influence of upbringing, the environment, communication within the family.

Why is shyness dangerous?

Shyness and fear of people have common roots.

the second is more related to personality pathologies and manifests itself in the experience of a feeling of fear in the presence of strangers and in the process of communication;
first, it is considered a common phenomenon and does not cause anxiety among parents if their child is inclined to be shy in the company and avoid strangers, is afraid to get to know each other. An adult considers this quality to be a character trait and specificity of temperament, with which one does not need to do anything, but one has only to come to terms.

Pathological fear of people is dealt with with medication or through sessions with a psychologist, and shyness is often ignored. However, this is not entirely true.

In the context of life, shyness and inability to communicate can sometimes bring a person a lot of problems and missed opportunities, if you do not start working with her.

Shyness in most cases leads to:

narrowing the circle of communication. It is difficult for a shy person to get to know each other independently, to communicate freely. Usually, such people are limited to interaction with the family. At the same time, most often they suffer because of this - because in fact they need diverse communication;
shyness affects the objectivity of the perception of the situation. When a problem or a stressful situation arises, a shy person often becomes not logical, forgetful;
a shy person can rarely speak openly and defend his opinion;
shyness is the cause of depression and a lowered emotional background, shy people tend to feel dissatisfaction;
poor emotional and social life of a person who is inclined to be shy, leads to physical weakness and rapid fatigue, muscle clamps, stoop.

Based on the consequences of shyness listed above, it becomes obvious that it must be dealt with.

Shyness leads not only to negative experiences of fear and insecurity, but also reduces social adaptation, significantly affects the mental and physical level of personality development.

What to do?

Psychologists have developed exercises, by performing which a person will understand how to stop being afraid of people, reduce the general level of anxiety and the tendency to be shy in relationships with people and overcome their shyness.

In any communication situation, when you start to be afraid of others, remember that shyness is an ordinary feeling that has no objective reasons. It arises on the basis of the chain of thoughts that follows the feeling - I will be funny, I look ugly, I will not be able to speak with dignity, I am afraid to answer, etc. And all this happens in your mind, although in fact everything may look exactly the opposite. Always keep this in mind when you start to feel shy or afraid of people.
Act in spite of the feeling of shyness that appears. Try to meet new people more and talk openly about your feelings.

Each time, acting overcoming your fears, you put a new positive experience in the “piggy bank” of your consciousness, on which your courage and confidence in relationships with people will subsequently be built.

Learn to speak and respond, thinking only about your purpose of communication, discarding all other thoughts. Forget all "what if". Keep in mind only your goal and options for achieving it.
When communicating with people, avoid being too polite and a lot of introductory phrases. Be clear and don't mumble. Learn to speak a little, but to the point.
In moments of extreme anxiety and fear, use breathing techniques. In yoga, they are actively used and help to manage their condition and minimize embarrassment.

How to remove shyness from your life

In addition to certain exercises that reduce situational shyness, allow you to manage your condition and not be shy in communication, psychologists have identified the rules for attitudes towards life, yourself and other people. Building your way of life according to them, the question of how to stop being afraid of people will be closed:

Find out (on your own or with the help of a psychologist) the reasons for your shyness. Where did it come from? Why should you be ashamed and afraid, and what benefits do you have from this? Write down the insights you gain and refer to them periodically.
Live with the understanding that people are primarily occupied with themselves, and no spotlights are directed at you.
Know your strengths and weaknesses... Do not forget that there are no ideal people, they are not divided into "good" and "bad" and you are not alone with your problem.
Always find reasons to praise and thank yourself. This should be done regularly.
Strive to communicate more, get acquainted with new opinions, be interested and study others, less "delving" into your own experiences. Reflection is an important quality, but in moderation. Excessive introspection drives you in circles, removing you from reality and interaction with others. Strive to do, not dream.
Exercise regularly. Movement is the foundation of life. Sport allows you to release the accumulated negative energy of fear and anxiety.
Always be prepared that you may be rejected or not appreciated. Understand why it scares you and what is the worst thing that can happen? You should learn to accept the word "no", do not seek to please everyone.
Give yourself the right to make mistakes. Perfectionism will be a bad helper for you. Remember, it's impossible to learn without mistakes.

Only the one who does nothing is not mistaken.

Don't waste the opportunity to practice your social skills and communicate more. Learn from the experiences of those who you think have dealt with their shyness. Go periodically to trainings on communication skills or public speaking skills, during which you can learn not to be shy and speak openly about your feelings and desires.
Find comfortable societies for yourself. You should not do like everyone else - if in your environment most people like to have fun in clubs and chat at parties - this does not mean that you should do this too.
Always be aware of what you say and how. Notice people's reactions. Forget and get distracted from your fear. In moments of anxiety, repeat: "I am not afraid of people, they will not do me anything bad, I should not be liked by everyone."

Final comments

Shyness lowers our life potential and deprives us of many opportunities. This personality trait has long been recognized in psychology as a problem and is being actively investigated. The ability to communicate is the key to success in social life.

Based on most psychological theories, shyness is not a congenital defect and not a disease.

You can cope with it yourself if you regularly work on yourself. By doing certain exercises when you need to communicate with other people, it is possible to cope with shyness here and now, and by making the above rules the basis of life - to enjoy communication and forget about the problem of shyness.

There are people who, in an unusual situation for themselves, begin to blush, worry, and have difficulty speaking. For such individuals, the question: how to stop being shy is the most acute one. Shy people find it extremely difficult to stay in the center of everyone's attention, make new acquaintances, communicate with unfamiliar people.

In addition, modest people find it very difficult to adapt to a new place, and the emergence of an unfamiliar situation may well cause them panic.

Reasons for modesty

Knowing the factors that determine a psychological trait such as shyness will help you understand how to get rid of shyness.

The most common causes of modesty are the following:

Congenital character traits. from birth they are more reserved, modest, slow and timid in comparison with their peers, extroverts. Shyness is an integral character trait for them;
Education also plays an important role in the development of personality. If a child feels that he is not protected in the family, then he will have a difficult relationship with the world around him;
Insecure, modest and withdrawn parents who perceive new people as a danger to themselves pass on their behavioral characteristics to their child. Children always imitate adults. That is why shy parents often have the same children;
Parents who do not trust the world often introduce a large number of all kinds of taboos and restrictions into the lives of their children. In addition, adults do not let the child go from themselves, do not give him the opportunity to independently explore the world around him. Over time, a small person gets used to the idea that it is warm and safe under the parental wing and ceases to strive for discoveries, communication with other people. Such children find it difficult to adapt to new circumstances, they hardly begin to go to kindergarten or school, find it difficult to find a common language with unfamiliar people, they develop shyness;
In addition to unhealthy family relationships, modesty can be caused by low self-esteem. In such cases, people inclined to underestimate their own dignity, are not able to take decisive and important actions for their own lives, cannot fully communicate. This is due to the inner fear of doing something wrong or not doing the right thing.

Some people with particularly fragile self-esteem try not to do anything new at all, because they only feel good when the work is done perfectly. Unfortunately, in the realities of life, this is almost impossible to achieve. A small mistake for them is a huge tragedy, which makes them feel completely incompetent and useless.

That is why such individuals try not to go beyond the framework of what has long been studied and understood. It is not surprising that such people prefer to communicate only in a well-known circle.

In this case, modesty itself acts not as a protective factor, but as an obstacle to self-improvement.

Ways to Overcome Modesty

How to get rid of shyness if nature has endowed you with it in full? First, you should understand yourself, understand the causes of the problem. Only after introspection can one begin to take practical steps to eliminate modesty.

How to get rid of modesty?

At the very beginning, you need to individualize this feature.

It is necessary to understand the reasons for which modesty has arisen, to determine the situations in which it most fully reveals itself. In addition, you need to understand what the state is associated with. Only after introspection can one give a reliable answer to the question: how to stop being shy;

The next step is self-understanding.

How to get rid of modesty? Understand that the world around you has no purpose to monitor your actions and evaluate them. Most people are so busy with their problems that they don't care about your minor oversights. You should not compare yourself to others. Only acceptance of yourself with all your weaknesses and characteristics, understanding your feelings and desires will allow you to improve your own life, destroy the obstacles that do not allow you to develop;

How to get rid of shyness

Find all yours. There are no people who have no merit. One of the main tasks in everyone's life is to determine their talent, its development. You should find what works best in life and develop this ability.

Determining your strengths will help strengthen self-esteem, will give you the opportunity to go your own way. This measure in the question: how to overcome shyness is short-lived. However, she is able to instill the belief that it is possible to break down the barrier of fear and limitation;

Modesty itself is not born just like that.

It develops on the inability to please oneself. Each person must learn to evaluate himself correctly, to love his individuality. Every day you should get acquainted with yourself, with your own characteristics, pay attention to habits;

How to overcome shyness if there are a huge number of successful bright people around?

The basic rule is to stop trying to look like everyone else. Each person is individual, this is the beauty of life. You should not strive to imitate someone.

All attempts to achieve similarity with non-standard personalities will only lead to a number of disappointments, and ultimately to a decrease in self-esteem. You should develop your individual characteristics, strive for uniqueness;

If your surroundings make you feel uncomfortable, you should try to focus on other people. In no case should you be locked into your experiences;
How to overcome shyness in a difficult situation?

Often, unforeseen circumstances cause a feeling of fear. In such cases, you can cope with anxiety with the help of proper breathing. The breathing exercise technique is very simple but very effective. You need to close your eyes and take deep breaths. All attention should be focused exclusively on breathing.

Yoga therapists also recommend a specific technique to help you deal with anxiety. To do this, it is necessary to count during inhalation and exhalation. Breathing should be gradually evened out. For example, when inhaling, count to 4 and when exhaling to 4. after breathing becomes even, add a number to each inhalation. The exercise should be done for several minutes.

Removing blocked energy is another answer to the question: how to overcome shyness. Sports activities help relieve stress,. Also a very effective way is meditation;
How to deal with shyness? Imagine yourself as a confident and happy person. Visualization helps to form a positive image;
Modesty itself is nothing more than software installation. You can overcome it with affirmations. Everyone knows that every word carries power. Repeated repetition of the same attitude affects a person, helping him to achieve what he wants;
How to deal with shyness? Pay as much attention as possible to situations that cause unpleasant experiences. To do this, you need to analyze your feelings, while you should answer yourself the questions: “Why do I have such feelings? What caused these reactions in me? Are there any explanations for the events that happened? ";
Don't be too negative about rejections. Each person throughout his life hears many times in response to his requests or actions "no". You shouldn't make a tragedy out of this. It is necessary to understand that the reason for the refusal is not your actions or yourself, but certain circumstances;
How to stop being shy? Say the word no to perfectionism. It should be remembered that there are no ideal people, things, actions and events in the world;
Social skills training is the best answer to the question of how to stop being shy. Communication experience must be gained in practice. The more social connections there are, the easier it will subsequently be to find a common language with people.

Modesty itself is not a negative character trait. However, excessive shyness can greatly ruin the life of even the most talented person. How to stop being shy? Anyone can answer this question. You just need to carefully understand the reasons for your fears.

Difficulties on the path of life for modest people

Modesty is nothing more than an obstacle to achieving success in life.

Shyness can make it difficult to find a good promising job. In some cases, people deny themselves the desired work only due to the fact that during its implementation they will have to do a number of actions that are unpleasant for their self-awareness: communicate with a large number of new people, use public transport, be near strangers, and sometimes with unpleasant personalities ...

Modesty isn't just about losing career opportunities.

Shyness leads to the fact that a person becomes timid, he avoids the crowd, he will never be seen in the spotlight. Modest people very often blush when they are approached by a stranger. Sweating of the palms, rapid breathing, nervous clenching of the hands - all this occurs in a modest person in a new situation for him.

The Positives of Modesty

Shyness is a psychological feature that allows you to protect a person from unjustified risks and dangers.

Humble people are often great conversationalists. However, they are able to reveal themselves only in small companies with well-known people.

The complete opposite of humble people is reckless, aggressive, arrogant individuals. They are quite capable of unpredictable actions, which sometimes lead to sad consequences.

Modesty itself in this context is not unacceptable. According to evolution, the greatest results in terms of life expectancy are achieved by those individuals who behave the most prudently and do not neglect the norms of behavior. However, being overly shy can also do a disservice to its owner.

I was always shy and when I was in a crowd I felt depressed and stressed. Being in a large company, I felt bad, but when there were one or two people in the company, I felt comfortable. I was able to overcome my shyness, stopped being shy, but after analyzing the last 10 years, I came to the conclusion that I managed a lot, which later changed my whole life and essence. How to stop being shy in a large company, we learn from this article.

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Photo gallery: How to stop being shy in a big company

Today it is possible not to recall in all details the feeling of shyness and shyness, I have ceased to be shy and the fear of communication is not a problem for me. I don't know exactly when I stopped feeling uncomfortable and timid. I am not a sociable person by nature, and I was not sure that I would ever become sociable. Each person has a threshold for the manifestation of some of his personal qualities. But now in any large company I feel comfortable and confident. Overcoming shyness and timidity, I resorted to some tricks, I will share them with you.

Let's turn to consciousness.
All thoughts are material in nature, build the correct faith and beliefs in your mind. Repeat “Every day I am becoming more confident,” and at every opportunity, on the way to work, to the library, to the store, repeat this phrase to yourself. In your mind, you can imagine such a situation when you are confidently speaking surrounded by people, then you will feel faith in yourself and joy from this. If it does not help, it is worth turning to hypnosis.

Communication.
Let there be positive-minded people in your environment, they will provide you with the necessary support. If you associate with people as shy as you, you will not move forward, thus, you will only believe in your weakness. You need to be with friends who will not ridicule and criticize you for your efforts to overcome yourself. There should be those friends near you on whom you can rely in everything, they will help you move forward so that you reach some heights. Of course, it will be difficult to find such friends, but if there are people who will balance between criticism and support, then you need to try to be with them more often and boldly go to them.

You should expand your own comfort zone.
A person will not get bumps if he doesn’t do anything. If you do nothing, then you will not develop, and you will stagnate. You can't swim, but start by getting your feet wet. It's scary at first, but there will come a time when you need to draw more air and dive into the water. The novelty of this action is scary, but if we consistently go forward, it will force us to develop and grow. And in order to stop being shy, you need to go out to people, enter into situations where you will be uncomfortable, here you need to spur yourself on. You don't need to let fear take over your consciousness and you.

Using the example of swimming, let's imagine if you are in the deepest place, for the first time, with a running start, throw yourself into the water. If you are very shy, then making a speech right away, entering into a discussion and facing a huge crowd of people is ineffective and unrealistic. Start with five people to start. If you can overcome shyness in front of five people, then go ahead and talk to ten people. Then there will be twenty and gradually the audience should be increased. There is such an expression as "immersion" therapy, when the patient is allowed to struggle with fears on his own, when he is face to face, with all that he fears most. And this method is effective. If this technique is carried out under the close supervision of a psychologist, it will have an effective effect. Our motto is words - slowly but surely.

Don't take it to heart.
Often timid and sensitive people take things that happen to them very seriously. And if I forget the words, my voice starts to tremble, if I'm wrong? These questions are hovering in their heads. And if it does, will it kill you? You need to take everything calmly and plan your actions for the future.

Shyness is a sense of self-worth..
It's probably true that shyness is self-esteem. The one who said this phrase thought that shy people think only about what they think of them and how they look in the eyes of the people around them, they also need to focus outside their "shell" and make the situation the most valuable for themselves. You can give advice, think more about others than about yourself. In fact, no one cares about you, and everyone thinks about themselves. Don't go deep into yourself. Stop thinking that people will say the wrong thing, think wrong.

Don't cross the line by analyzing your actions.
Thinking that you are shy will not overcome your shyness. When you start analyzing shyness, you come to the conclusion that everything is meaningless. As soon as you are in such a situation when you need not to shake things up, but to act, then hopelessness will let go of you. All you have to do is practice. Do whatever you are afraid of and do not think that it is useless.

Love yourself.
Timid people feel uncomfortable and uncomfortable both alone with themselves and when surrounded by people. Go to the movies, have lunch, take a walk alone. It has been noticed that quite confident people in crowded places feel comfortable and happy being alone.

read books.
They will help you overcome your shyness. Read how people were able to overcome their shyness, it will inspire you to curb their fears and overcome the heights.

In conclusion, it is possible to stop being shy in a large company, and it will take time to turn a shy person into a confident person, this is a doable task. Sociability and confidence will make life better and more interesting, and several times more fun. Just do not need to put everything on the back burner.