Loneliness together: why we are unhappy in relationships. I do not feel happy in relationships

If you want only the best for yourself - learn to trust with your instincts. Sometimes, it is possible to be so lost in the ocean of feelings and emotions, which will involuntarily begin to convince yourself that everything is in order when it really is not. This occurs very often in the relations of many couples and that is why most girls remain in relations that make them unhappy. They lack courage to look at the truth and they will rather prefer to save the relationship than to stay alone. Perhaps you also happened like this and you convinced myself that with your relationship everything is fine when everything really was crying.

This happens completely and next. However, if you do not want to spend your time in vain and suffer, do not let this happen to you. You must protect yourself because no one will do it besides. If you are unhappy in the relationship - there must be a reason for it. Your subconscious is trying to direct your attention to what you intentionally ignore. Whatever it was, the relationship will never be simple. Even the very strong pairs Meet the obstacles on their way, which, nevertheless, should not be the cause of unity of partners.

If your relationships do not bring you anything other than the sensation of discomfort, then something is wrong with them and you can not be inactive. Below are 10 signs that your guy makes you unhappy:

1. You doubt his intentions about you

You do not know whether he really loves you or simply uses. If you are constantly doubting his motives, then he did not do anything so that you could be confident in it.

2. You are accustomed to the fact that he does not fulfill his promises

You know perfectly well that he is not responsible for his words, he already brought you so many times that now you just do not perceive his promises seriously you are sure that he will give you hope, and then disappoint.

3. You understand that it cannot meet your expectations.

It is quite natural that you have certain expectations from your partner and your relationship. Also, it is quite natural that few people can meet absolutely all your expectations. However, if your partner does not match and several of them - you have serious problems.

4. You can imagine how it all happens if you met with someone else

5. It seems to you that your relationship is just a game for him.

You are not sure about the seriousness of his intentions and you often think that for him your relationship is a game. He plays with your feelings and emotions, and this is not at all an act of a loving man.

6. You do not expect that he will ask for forgiveness for his mistakes

He never experiences guilt, no regret. If he makes a mistake or offend you, he will pretend that nothing happened. He is not worried and never thinks about how his words and deeds can affect others.

7. You try to be with him as delicately in order not to experience his patience.

He is very hot-tempered and quickly comes out of himself. He can not be patient towards you and even one innocent phrase can make him shout at you.

8. He leaves the conflict instead of solving it

He behaves immaturely and tries to avoid serious conversations with you with all ways. It does not make confrontation and will run away from problems and possible conflicts.

9. He belongs to you well only when he needs something from you

He always has hidden motifs. He is nicely behaves with you only when he needs something from you when you don't need him, he will not even pay attention to you.

10. You are not waiting for it will be honest with you

Very bad if you have to question everything that your man says. You can not trust him, and without trust can not be love. No matter how sad it sounds, but it is true.

Hello! I'm 28 years old, more than a year I live with a person, he was 26. From the very beginning there were doubts about this relationship, probably, what is called intuition - she suggested that it is better not to start this relationship, but he insisted, he treated well. We have no serious quarrels and conflicts, there are incompatibility of looks to life, but it may even plus, gives breadcrumbs. In general, we are educated with him, and, looking at each other, we develop on the intellectual level, it is very impressed by me, it is interesting to him. But there is "but". My doubts did not go anywhere in anywhere, I constantly think that together we are not to be that there are people next to which he and I will be happy. There is a feeling of something wrong. I have a feeling that I will soon leave. For example, I do not want to make any major joint purchase, since it immediately thought about how we divide it when we part. I tried several times, "having gotten into the trifles", to leave, he shodded.

After such cases I feel very guilty after such cases, because everything seems to be fine, and I do that. I begin to ask him forgiveness, he comes in bewilderment, and the explanation does not understand if I try to explain that I am unhappy that we are better to part, the magazine "let's just live." He says he loves every day. However, I see that he is quite interested in the opposite sex, it is his feature, she always interested and never cease to this high interest, that is, as a sensible person, I understand that in the case of a marriage "to walk" he will definitely . At the same time, he can perfectly continue to love me, it is his male feature. This is very oppressing me. It turns out that I am in the depressed mood all the time, tense. The possibility of female competition does not give me the desire to become better, more beautiful, thin, etc., but, on the contrary, blocks all the desires of actions. I do not want to follow myself, because no matter what I do - there will always be someone younger, slimmer, blonde, etc. I seem to be paralyzed - I don't want to do anything, in bewilderment - what to do next?

It is absolutely clear - it will not change, love is not growing every day, and I cannot live in such a tension all my life. Previously, I had a relationship, as such I am not afraid, much is ready to understand and accept, but why do I have such internal tension and depression? Believe me when more than a year you feel it is very difficult. I imagine that we broke up, I understand that most likely I will be madly regret and bored - but as if the inner tension leaves. I really want to become free and not to think about such unpleasant things as the fact that a person can be bored with me, and that he wants another girl. I want to enjoy life. Close relationships also want but with positive emotions. Please tell me how to be.

Attention. Such a sign is enough. Do not ask yourself - but here I have only the 6th and 8th, because everything is fine? Everything is bad.

"He: Always busy, sick or depressed." You: jump around it in the "Leave the old woman, I'm in sadness." True: if you saw how he sings the nightingale, forgotten about depression and work schedule, at a meeting of classmates. And these excuses are just for you, suddenly you still come in hand trim.

- He sleeps with you night at night and does not attempt even to have sex. And this is more than a month, and he is not 50. You: write in go focusing posts "what it would mean" and read from the comments only the most darling. True: he wants or already has another woman.

- Between meetings, he is inclined to live in the "absolutely nothing personal mode." You: in such a bewilderment that you start chuck. True: There is nothing personal between you. The boundaries are indicated. It is convenient for him - and no more.

"He says in his former unhappy love, attaching you as a kap to carefully raising wounds." And does not even hide it. You: understand themteponimate imaging and hopefully. True: He does everything to return it. And you will tell you how wonderful you are.

- He: cums too quickly. You: say "Nothing, cat, I was still good." True: He is not good in sex and it is incorrigible.

- He: too complicated and all the time in the flour of self-knowledge. May write you SMS among the night about the meaning of life, but it can not just take a walk with you on weekends in the park. You: respond to SMS, carefully picking up words and proud of trust in the park, and in the park you walk with a friend. True: You are not interested in him. He is interested only.

- He: Does not pay for you in a cafe or strives to take money. You: honestly stretch to him with a crawler, will not lose you. True: He is a sad loser.

- You are more than once a month sit down in two columns pluses and cons of your connection, trying to take a painful solution - throw or so. True: you all have long been clear.

- You think about your connection in terms, just for the past, and not for the present. For example: ON.
Such gentle. Although the last time he was with you gentle in December 2007. Or: we have such a passion. Although your passion for a month is measured by rare hurdles. True: Transfer the reference point in December 2007 - Your connection ended then.

- He always scolds the authorities, parents or former girlfriends. You: Speak - Of course, cat, they do not understand you. True: He is an evil loser and says nasty about you with his buddies.

- He: infinitely virtual. You have a type of love, but there are no meetings. You: fool. True: Most likely married, or too fat, or in adolescent acne, or impotent, or pervert.

- He: you do not like. You: Rereading all this, still hope. True: you have such small demands on the quality of your life that you have to and then swallow. Bon Appetit.

Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who fights addiction, and I ask him to look into myself to understand what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I hear often the same answer: loneliness. Perhaps you think this feeling is predominantly those who live alone and has no family, but it is not. It is in partnerships that many feel abandoned, isolated. The relationship is not always eliminated from loneliness, on the contrary - they sometimes cause it.

We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel peace of mind with someone, but this someone is unavailable to us, does not want or can not open us. This feeling certainly is present and when we are alone, but often it arises in a relationship when one or both partners have lost contact with each other - due to the fact that one of them is angry or went to himself, sick or strongly tired .

Having lost contact with themselves, we cannot connect with others

To be alone and be lonely - not the same thing. The feeling of emptiness occurs when we have a violation of contact with yourself - when we are not able to listen to your feelings, condemn ourselves, appeal to of different kind dependencies to get rid of painful sensations, or impose on someone other responsibility for their feelings.

We will always feel lonely and abandoned when we refuse yourself.

Moreover, having lost contact with themselves, we cannot connect with others. And these disturbed bonds become a source of deep despair and disappointment. The man who lives alone, but at the same time he loves and appreciates itself, may not feel this painful void. He is able to enjoy his loneliness and keep connections with others when those are ready to come to contact.

What makes us lonely in relationships?

You can feel lonely with a partner if

Your heart is closed, because so you protect yourself from the resentment, anger or possible rejection. You can not be in contact with the partner when closed.

The partner is closed, angry or immersed in itself.

The partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobby, internet, and so on.

You are adjusted to the partner, trying to control it so much. Refusal to the sake of manipulation prevents the creation of genuine mental connection.

You both or one of you do not want to notice the brewing conflict. Unwillingness openly talk to sharp topics creates obstacles between you.

Isolation disappears when we are frank and openly go to contact with each other

You or your partner uses sexual relations as a control form.

You scroll the relationship in your head, instead of discussing them together, with open hearts. The speculative analysis can sometimes be attractive, but after some time you feel boredom and emptiness.

The partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, views or actions. Condemnation and criticism disconnect people.

You or your partner are too tired, something is suppressed or feel bad to keep in touch.

In a word, everything that dismisses us with themselves and partner, causes a sense of loneliness. Conversely, insulation disappears when we are frank and openly go to contact with each other.

We feel the connection with each other when

We are not afraid to be ourselves, vulnerable and say what we think without feeling guilt or fear of condemnation.

Ready to meet with unpleasant experiences, carefully do with them and learn from them - to take responsibility for all our feelings, and not avoid them using different protection. When we are in contact with you, we can build connections with others, we are ready to learn about yourself and partner something new, especially in conflicts.

We show care and compassion for yourself and partner.

We find the time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in the personal growth and development of our relations.

When a joint time, the development of the ability to love ourselves and share love with each other becomes a priority for both partners, you have a big chance to stay in authentic contact with you and with each other. In such respects, people rarely feel lonely.

about the author

Margaret Paul (Margaret Paul)- Family psychologist, co-author of the book "What makes you preventing you happy" (in collaboration with Jordan Paul, Centerpolygraph, 2009).

We are talking about why girls are unhappy in relationships, what mistakes allow guys, and how to recognize that his intentions are not the best, but completely forget that in should be a place adequate conversation. Instead of complaining that he does not pay you attention or disappears with his friends, think about it, maybe he is unhappy next to you? Here are a few questions that will help you find out this without scandals and without asking main question head-on.

1. Where will our vacation?

What can be more exciting than to build grand plans on a joint future? Unfortunate couples They do not engage in such things, because they do not see or do not want to see that relations have prospects. Offer your guy to plan your next trip - this question will show how much it is ready to go into difficult planning and disputes, as well as financial obligations with you. If he is unhappy, then, most likely, will leave the topic. Again, it is not necessary to beat the alarm at once, perhaps your boyfriend will say "no" because it understands that you will not have time to scat enough money or you have other plans. The main thing is "you".

2. Can I go with you?

If your boyfriend spends all the time without you and continues to plan your leisure, ask him if you can join. It is possible that he is specifically distinguished from you. To have the right to personal space and life outside the relationship is normal, but only when this does not happen on an ongoing basis.

3. What are we going to do on the weekend?

Different couples have their own ideas about the weekend, but if you have already left over once overboard and suspect that it is not by chance, ask your boyfriend that you will do the next time. If he again gives you to understand that you are not in his plans, then you should talk about what's wrong.

4. Go with me to the store?

Suggesting the guy to do something very boring or what applies only to you, you can determine how strong your connection is. Such cases require patience, understanding and respect - all this is in happy relationship. But if your boyfriend is always evading back side life togetherSo he does not want to take on any obligations. Your partner should go to meet and strive to help you or at least find a compromise, if you need to do something routine.

5. Let's open a joint account?

Money - universal way Understand who next to you. It doesn't matter much how much you earn and spend separately, but the way you approach the joint distribution of the budget may be the answer to the main question: "Are you happy?".

If on the offer to open a common account or start saving money on vacation, apartment, car for you, he will not agree, it means that he has no common interests with you, and his own expenses in his priority. He may simply be ready, may experience financial difficulties that requires patience from you, but if you understand that it's not about this, then the problem is in your relationship.

6. Do not want to go to have fun?

After a hard working day or experienced stress simply need to relax. You can do it as you like, but hardly the one who is happy next to you will refuse to offer something that will bring you pleasure. If your partner does not like to have fun with you, then, most likely, he is unhappy in your relationship.

7. What good happened today?

Asking how his day passed, you show interest in his life and support. Pay attention whether he said about something good or continues to complain and be angry? He may have problems - this is normal. But if everything is happening, annoying him already for a long time, there is a reason to talk perfoiting.

8. What are you seeing your dream life?

Such a question can put in a dead end, so many people go from the answer or speak space. Not because they do not like you, but because it is hard. But such a question helps to see what the person is not satisfied, and how he is going to solve his problems. If there are no hints of you in his plans for the future, that is, the reason to think about: perhaps, he does not want to be with you, but has not yet decided when to leave. Even if there is no threat to relationships, the answer to this question will help him understand the main life values, and you will be able to give him advice if you know.

9. What do you think about?

Being in a bad mood, it is very important to have free space for reflection. Such a question is a great way to find out what the person you love, and show that you are open to conversation, you want to listen and support. Listen carefully, do not interrupt and do not perceive everything as a personal insult. Then your boyfriend can feel that he has no reason to hide something from you, because you will understand everything.

10. Do you want to go to a double date?

A double date is a pastime that is not suitable for all couples, and also shows well if your guy feels obligations in relationships. If he is comfortable with you, then there is no reason to not share this joy and do not communicate with other happy people.

But if he is not good in relationship, he will not agree on a double date.

The main thing, find out from him, why not to build guesses, but to know exactly: he just does not like a collaborative rest or does not want to associate his life with you also with witnesses.

11. Is everything in order? You look sad.

Sometimes the easiest way to find out what happened is to just ask, without hints and without going away from afar. If you have been trying to understand for a long time, are your boyfriend next to you, but you can't make sure that the rights of Lee, ask him why he looks unhappy, and let him speak. If he leaves the answer - this is also impossible to ignore. In happy relationship, people do not hide each other's reasons for their bad emotional state, but maybe he is silent because you never gave him the opportunity to talk?