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W. family life You can find many advantages. She fills our life with meaning, gives happiness, feeling of spiritual comfort, makes us healthier, improves sleep. At the same time, the psychology of family life is not so simple. Those who today dream of a wedding dress and honeymoon, tomorrow can be bitterly barely about their hasty. One of the causes of errors is that we are not sufficient to understand what the other wants.

Changeable expectations

Sociologists from Pittsburgh University and University of Iowa (USA) decided to find out what women are waiting for from marriage. And men? In the list of attractive features, women put on the 4th place the desire of children and homemade utya. In previous decades, this item was much lower. Men's standards have also changed. Until the 1960s, men raised the formation and intellectual development of a woman on the 11th place. In today's list of attractive damn, the mind even overtakes beauty (respectively 4th and 8th place) 1.

In general, the study shows that for men and women today, the reliability and security of the spouse ceased to be key factors. Now they are more important for them to coincide with the chosen one in the level of education and intelligence, views and tastes. In other words, relations are already determined not so much by external attributes like status and reputation as internal - our thoughts and feelings. However, if you go from abstract preferences to specific solutions, it turns out that everything is not so simple.

The legacy of ancestors

Men and women are largely dependent on social expectations and those roles that existed for many centuries. "Historically, men were more located for marriage, when they were financially independent, and women got married when they wanted children," helen Fisher explains, an anthropologist, a specialist in human behavior and the author of the book "Why is he?" Why she?". Helen Fisher calls it a "basic male need" - to provide a wife.

When a woman shelled the child, she became vulnerable. Then ensuring the needs of the family fell entirely on the shoulders of a man. Today, men still do not feel ready for marriage until they can fulfill this social role. Only now it relates to the construction of a stable career and the availability of an account in the bank, and not a bison on a spit. Women also aware of their vulnerability and seek to find someone who will be near and can take care of them and about the child.

New features or new problems?

Even if both partners are configured equally in relation to marriage, this does not mean that in the future there is no disappointment. Family Therapist Vicky Stark (Vikki Stark) draws attention to the fact that, as a rule, men and women are different ideas that the main thing is in marriage. A woman in family life finds a new source of self-realization. Marriage is valuable by itself, along with all his attributes: children, homely comfort. The partner becomes part of this painting and its creator: they are waiting for participation and involvement.

A man in family life sees first of all the opportunity to be with the one he loves. At the same time, he is more inclined to avoid marriage or delay with this decision, if he believes that it will require cardinal changes in behavior, tastes and habits. A man is afraid that with new role The husband and the head of the family he will lose his former life, friends, freedom. Marriage also means for him elevated expectations that becomes additional source stress. "A man seeks to be at the height, feel strong and reliable. Marriage becomes a new test, tested for strength. " Finally, the man is peculiar to the man that the marriage will change their relationship with his beloved, will deprive them of their former passion, and the birth of a child will bring him at all to the background itself.

Path to understanding

How to overcome doubts and fears? First of all, to maintain a healthy self-esteem and try to look at the situation with the eyes of another. "In the case of a woman, there is a risk of dealing with a partner dependence, lose its individuality. The subconscious anxiety due to its position can make it a changeless, incredulous, jealous, "says Vicky Stark. - If you have noticed such manifestations, try to deal with yourself: Do you have real reasons to doubt the partner? Remember: he is also not easy, and your support will help him better feel as family man There is, find a source of power and improve self-esteem in it. "

The man, in turn, should be more attentive and sensitive. "You are far from being not always waiting for readiness to rush into battle, bring an incredible sacrifice or, on the contrary, go silently to fix everything," explains Vicky Stark. "Just talk, to take part, ask her about what I have in my heart," you will already show that you are not indifferent to her feelings, you're close and ready to be part of her life. " You do not need to play a steep guy and try to hide your problems: it will only create an atmosphere of alienation. "

1 Journal of Family Issues, 2015, Vol. 36, № 2.

photo - Robert Ramirez

In ASh, marriage is experiencing difficult times?

I do not intend to unnecessarily simplify your problems. There is always something beyond the edge of our physical vision, but I can say from my experience that sometimes the problem lies in expectations.

Expectations are very important for the success of any good relationships, Especially if we talk about the relationship in marriage.

If you have false expectations, you will have problems both in marriage and in relationships with other people.

Here are four types of expectations that may harm marriage:

1. Unspoken expectations. If the couple never divides each other with their expectations for their marriage, one of the spouses will eventually be disappointed. Many marital couples think that they are on the same wave until the problem appears and they suddenly understand that it is actually not the case.

I noticed that the problem of unspoken expectations is particularly acute when the husband and wife are on the threshold of something ambitious in their lives. For example, parental duties. Husband and wife naturally suggest that they will teach a child in a "single pattern". But it is not.

The more you talk about your expectations, the better you will be prepared for life surprises when they appear on your joint life path.

2. Inspected expectations. When spouses think they shared their expectations with each other, but at the same time they did not speak on a spouse-friendly or spouse - problems are coming in relationships. Each person speaks "his own language." The expectations that you express should be clear to your husband or wife. And more than once they must be tested before you understand them.

I spent time with couples that we assumed that they found out everything, or thought that their spouse or spouse would certainly "read their thoughts." It is very important to ask such questions: "Are you talking about ...? I understood you correctly (a)? ".

3. unsatisfied expectations. After the husband and wife found out the expectations of each other, they understood them and experienced, your "paradise for two" can still be broken if one of the spouses does not hold back its promises.

People are accustomed to thinking that marriage is paradise, but it is not always the case. At the same time, marriage must have a relationship with undisputed trust. Commitments taken on marriage must be saved on the very summit.

4. Non-fulfilled expectations. Some couple have expectations that cannot be embodied in reality one of the spouses. Our husband or wife is not our saviors. They are imperfect. They can not read our thoughts. They will make mistakes.

All expectations come from childhood. Therefore, they are so much pain, resentment and disappointment. And most importantly, all these expectations are unconscious.

Someone did not have enough (on objective reasons) concerns, someone - attention, someone - recognizing that it is unique and valuable. Someone did not hug, did not say words of love, someone did not support someone.

We are growing up, and these needs remain unsatisfied, and they sit in us, as the non-founded, and we do not even guess their existence, do not guess that we can help themselves. We expect close to have these problems to decide and relieve our pain.

We fall into dependent relationships, try to earn love, adjust, wait, we demand, be disappointed. And so in a circle.

We fall into the drone expectations.

What to do?

Probably this is the most complex advice Of those I gave you:

It is necessary to accept the fact that your unsatisfied needs will never be satisfied as you wait for this. No longer find a loving mother and strong dad that can do it. Justice will not enthusiasm.

After all, in fact, when we expect from the surrounding special relationship to ourselves,
Satisfying needs, we are waiting for this from them, as from parents.

Can they do it? Even if they want to want, even if they love us very much ... they will not be able to do this.

But at the same time, they can give us another. And if you deal with expectations, then this another will be no less valuable.

Here is your homework. Observe your expectations: What do I expect from loved ones? And that they are ready for me to give in real life, not in fictional expectations?

After all, if you deal with it, then how will you react when your girlfriend does not understand you? How will you react to the fact that she has his own life and their concerns and they are more important for her than your life?

How will you react when my husband did not guess what you want? When you crave warm, understanding and care, as in childhood, and he is closed in response and even angry?

Many women for this reason avoid contacts with men, do not harde the girlfriends. Because they understand that they will not get from them what they are waiting. Strong with this fact again, means again to experience the pain. And it turns out that the refusal of communication is protection.

In this case, remove the protection - it means to abandon children's expectations and learn to interact with others from an adult. And the main thing is to understand that people are ready for us to give much more - communication, another view of the world, new knowledge, their uniqueness. Please add this list yourself.

I noticed that many women and B come with incorrect expectations. This refers to the desire to change your life, get support and attention, get rid of pain, and become a happy once and forever.

This is again expectations that are most likely not justified.

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Tatyana Dzutsva.

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Married waiting and attractions in a young family

Romanova Elena Sergeevna
Altai State University
master Student Faculty of Psychology and Pedagogy

Marital EXPECTIONS AND ASPIRATIONS IN A YOUNG FAMILY

Romanova Elena Sergeevna.
Altai State University
Master Student Of The Faculty Of Psychology and Pedagogy

Each person, creating a family, expects something from marriage. After all, we are all different, each of us has brought up in our family according to the rules, traditions and laws inherent in this particular family. And it should be noted that a very rare model of the family, the style of behavior and relationships in it, the newlyweds coincide. But psychologists have long proved that young people, in most cases, carry the models of their parental families into their own. From this point on, conflicts begin. And here it is impossible to say that one of them is to blame, they simply were so raised, and they have no other sample of behavior in family life. Each of the young spouses is waiting for another such behavior in the family who encouraged and dealt with their parental families. And as a result, expectations are not justified. That is why psychologists and not only, it is so important to investigate married expectations not only in marriage, but also before his offensive.

Very often the cause of the collapse of a young family is overestimated expectations from marriage. Young people tend to believe that love and affection is enough to build harmonious relationships. But reality is not so simple. And young spouses are too late begin to realize that the family is a big responsible work. And thus, when the first serious quarrel arises, and young people were not ready for it in advance, there is a danger that she shares a fragile family balance.

Consider the basic concepts associated with marriage expectations:

• Role-playing expectations are the degree of readiness to give the fulfillment of a family function to a marriage partner. They are formed in accordance with the stereotypical behavior developed under this social system, and do not depend on a particular person.
• Role attractions are understood as the personal readiness of each partner to perform family roles.
• Primary role-playing adaptation. It includes the coordination of ideas about the nature and distribution of family functions and responsibilities. Its first feature is the fact that the spouses have chosen the same type of role. And the second is that each of the major components, which is necessary for this role of intrasamenon and make-up behavior, corresponded to her husband and wife.

Sophisticated roles are divided into three main types:

• Traditional roles. They suggest the birth of the birth and raising children, family service, creating and maintaining comfort in the house, adjusting their own interests to the interests of her husband, etc. From the side of her husband for the development of harmonious family relationships The economic protection and safety of the family is required, maintaining family power and control, devotion to the mother of their children, the adoption of basic solutions, etc.
• Friendly roles. This kind of role requires the preservation of its external attractiveness from his wife, providing husband of moral support and sexual satisfaction, maintaining various social contacts, interesting communication with husband and guests, also eliminating boredom and providing a variety of life. From her husband, the role demands to admire his wife and respectively applies to it, provide means for its outfits, entertainment, maintain social contacts, and also jointly conduct leisure with it.
• The role of partners. They, in turn, require and from his wife and from her husband's economic contribution to the family, shared responsibility for children, distribution homework and legal liability. From her husband, it is also necessary to accept equal status of his wife, and from his wife - equal responsibility for maintaining the status of the family.

It is also important to note that for the stability of a young family, the consistency of opinions is important to which the wife should devote themselves to professional activities, and in which family responsibilities. From this decision will depend on the style of relations in the family - traditional or modern.

Entering into marriage, people are rarely preparing for difficulties life together And often it is unarmed before its harsh manifestations. Today we will learn about the most common problems and delusions that spouses may encounter.

Our expert psychologist Svetlana Bashmakova debunks all stereotypes associated with marriage life.

Going married as quickly as possible so that partners do not come to each other

Expectation: At first, partners demonstrate only their positive qualities, and the true essence of man becomes clear only through time. And if the "real face" of the second half is very different from the ideal image created in the bouquet-candy period, the spouses are waiting for serious problems - after all, it will be necessary to get used to a new character.

In real: All unpleasant discovery should be immediately discussed. Explain the partner that it is not suitable for you, listen to what is not satisfied with it. Set the frames that you both will stick to not violate the principles of the partner. Be sure to find a common goal, to which you will strive, otherwise contradictions and mutual dissatisfaction can destroy your relationship.

Marriage can save fading relationships

Expectation: Many people think that after marriage, partners and their habits will change that relations will be qualitatively new, but it is not. Yes, pre-wedding bustle, gifts and fun can revive feelings for some time, but then life and daily concerns will very quickly, even these bursts of joy.

In real: No need to search for salvation from boredom in a relationship, better think about what can be done to regret the fire again. Perhaps you are so accustomed to each other that you do not consider it necessary to say compliments, give gifts, admire the victories of their partner. Try to pay more attention to your beloved person and do not comprehend time and effort to amaze and delight him.

If one of the partners does not want to marry, the other must wake responsibility in it

Expectation: The desire to marry is not a matter of responsibility or debt, and a sober decision, so it needs to be voluntary. Marriage under pressure does not bring pleasure, as it makes a person abandon his interests in favor of the partner.

In real: Recognize the fact that everyone has the right to decide independently, whether he needs a wedding, and if your opinion does not coincide with the desire of a partner, try to weigh how much the question for you is critical. Talk to him frankly, find out what he argues his decision, and show respect for his point of view. If he does not plan a family, and you only think about it, perhaps it is worth freeing the place for the person who wants the same thing as you.