The unexpected sides of the zodiac signs. Joking horoscope: how zodiac signs are offended

Funny horoscope 3.50 / 5 (4 votes)

Aries is an emotional bastard.

If he is passionate about something, does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. Asking for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in him.
Excuses: "Something rolled over", "The devil got it wrong" etc.

Taurus is a greedy bastard.

We are obsessed with the idea of acquiring. Purposeful avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve such a fate".

Gemini is a careless bastard.

Loves games, jokes, funny companies... The eternal dichotomy of good and evil. For the sake of a joke, he devalues the rules and traditions, depriving them of their drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"

Cancer is a miserable bastard.

Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in "devilish guise", even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and filth. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have done wrong with him.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I am!"

Leo is a pompous bastard.

Well, everything is clear here, the crown crushes, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into "He" and "the rest." He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I wanted it that way."

Virgo is a vengeful bastard.

In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, he paints his portrait of "God in flesh on earth", such a walking messiah and do not let you carelessly speak on her account unsatisfactory, unprofitable. Can wait long and hard for a suitable chance to remember.
Excuse: Triumphant "Do you remember …"

Libra is a mercantile bastard.

Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from delicate situations. A real politician who pursues his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. I got sick and disappeared.

Scorpio is the first-class bastard.

A lover to create a veil of mystery around himself that he becomes entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal fogs their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If, from their point of view, you violated any rules, then you should be punished.
Excuses: no.

Sagittarius is a foolish bastard.

A very complex creature, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and, rather, succeeding in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.

Capricorn is a stupid bastard.

As an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger like that, so the Capricorn, resting its horns "anywhere" does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved on its own, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".

Aries (March 21 - April 20): Crazy Rate - 30%!
If you go to the mountains with someone, then only with Aries. They are inveterate extreme lovers, moreover, they will always give a helping hand to their comrade. Aries clearly follow their path and achieve their goals. Many plans are ripening in their head, which sometimes seem completely insane. Their courage and perseverance can only be envied!
Taurus (April 21 - May 21): The craziness rate is 40%!
Stubbornness is the main feature of this sign. Taurus will bring anyone to a white heat: it is so important for them to prove their case. This makes them a little odd in the eyes of other people. Taurus is comprehensively developed, they have kind heart and iron willpower.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21): Crazy Rate - 100%!
The craziest zodiac sign. Gemini are fickle and frivolous, you never know what they have in store for you today. But you will never get bored with them! They have a bunch of incredible stories and tales from life in store. Only Gemini are capable of reaching a completely reckless denouement in their adventures.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Madness rate - 90%!
Cancers are famous for their mood swings. They prefer not to crawl out of the house, but if they break into night club- beware. It is they, in a state of intoxication, scribbling insane messages to the ex. You never know what's on Cancer's mind, and it drives you crazy!
Leo (july 23 - august 21): 80% insanity rate!
Representatives of this sign are used to being in the spotlight, they love noisy parties and big companies... Lions quickly get drunk, and this loosens their tongue so much that others in their company often have to blush. These people have no brakes, they do not know how to stop in time.
Virgo (august 22 - september 23): 70% madness rate!
Virgo works tirelessly on herself, strives for perfection in everything. Control and power are her main passions. These people are capable of performing noble deeds, but they are waiting for recognition for this. Their desire to appear ideal in the eyes of people completely takes over them.
Libra (september 24 - october 23): craziness rate - 30%!
Libras are obsessed with finding balance in everything. Sometimes they are ready to go to extremes, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Libra will do anything to get the object of its sigh, even sink to gossip.
Scorpio (october 24 - november 22): Crazy Rate - 40%!
The statement that Scorpios sting unbearably hurts is true. Of course, they have no equal in resourcefulness and insight, but this still does not brighten up their shortcomings. Scorpio is the most sensual sign of the zodiac, he is a master of beautiful courtship and romantic gestures. His sexual energy pours over the edge, so few people manage to cope with this raging stream of passion.
Sagittarius (november 23 - december 22): 50% madness rate!
Sagittarius all their lives proudly carry the banner of justice and truth. And it is better not to hinder them in this! Nothing can upset them as much as the restriction of personal freedom. In addition, Sagittarius easily light up with ideas that sometimes blind their minds.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 20): Crazy Rate 60%!
Capricorns are still workaholics! They take the most difficult tasks onto their shoulders and take on their solution with passion. Capricorns are not averse to showing off their intelligence and professionalism. If they are at the head of a business, do not expect concessions.
Capricorns hold their own line, even if they are wrong. This feature extends to personal life: the partner will always be on tight hand. Their madness in wanting to control everything.
Aquarius (january 21 - february 19): craziness rate - 20%!
Aquarius is like a crazy professor who is used to living in his own illusions. It is very easy to twist around the finger, and people are used to using it. That is why this zodiac sign often becomes a victim of scammers, and just those who are looking for easy prey.
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20): Crazy Rate - 10%!
Pisces is the least crazy of the rest of the zodiac signs. They are calm and peaceful, you can always rely on them. Pisces are ready to sacrifice their own interests just in order to brighten up someone's loneliness. These character traits make them the most judicious, wise and empathetic.

Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. You will then regret that you were born. Aries' stubbornness is legendary, and it is not surprising, a ram, he is a ram.

If he rests, you won't budge him. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is wrong. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely Aries.

In love, Aries are as stubborn as in everything else. And if he achieves someone's favor, then he does it until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the location of a partner, then he himself does not know why he needed it.

In the process of a siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be sorry.
In the family, Aries loves to point out, but does not want to do anything. And from such a convenient position for him would never be moved.

Happy horoscope for Taurus

Taurus is very stubborn, in this, he looks like Aries. Only one who will admire Taurus can convince him, tell him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, presenting his ideas as the ideas of Taurus. Taurus women are very emotional and gullible.

About our love relationship she only speaks in superlatives... And if a man tells her that he cannot live without her, she really believes it.

Taurus men are accumulators and hoarders. They drag into the house, everything that comes to their hand: the old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don't need. And then they wonder why the house is so crowded and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).

Taurus is very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, without being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat themselves in the chest and say: "E-mine, because of what nonsense they fought!".

Cheerful horoscope for Gemini

Gemini are two very similar people rolled into one. Since they are very similar, it annoys them, and they argue all the time. If one says “I want this woman,” the other will certainly object, “What is this slut to you for?”. And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then wonders "And what did I find in her?"

Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don't even have time to remember the name of their next partner. And in order not to get completely confused in the names of their counterparts, they call all the same "my Hercules" until the next lover is a short, thin man.

He, of course, takes such an appeal for ridicule. V Everyday life Gemini is very indecisive. Can't take quickly correct decision, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other - (out of harm) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin's "One Step Forward, Two Back".

Cheerful horoscope for Cancer

Cancers are very cowardly and shy. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of what, so they try to please everyone and give everyone a bunch of impossible promises. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others would not suspect them of some sort of ulterior motive.

Crayfish lie, not blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very ingenious. No wonder, among politicians, there are so many Cancers.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choose their partner, even for life, even for the night. They rummage and sort out, as in the ruins of a second-hand.

And when friends are surprised at such a long search for their beloved (beloved): "Why are you choosing a cow?"

At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, the bosses for them are gods and celestials, but if the case turns up (and it will be safe for Cancer), they will gladly substitute a leg for their beloved boss.

Cheerful horoscope for Leo

The lion is the king of beasts in nature. People zodiac sign Leos never forget this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate other people's opinions. You will be the most best friend Leo, if you constantly flatter him and praise his dignity.

Lions love to hang their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Female Leo as a female spider " black widow»If they do not destroy their chosen one right after the night of love, they gnaw at him for the rest of their lives, or until the time when the partner has enough patience.

Leo men love only themselves, they are simply not capable of loving someone else. Therefore, they choose women who know only two words "yes" and "I obey."

Merry horoscope for Virgo

If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your loved ones and friends are terribly out of luck. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely neat and methodical. The need to tidy up and clean up turns into a passion for them. If you got up from an armchair or sofa in the Virgo's apartment, she immediately begins to smooth the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.

If Virgo gets into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the inspector who approached the inspector about the second participant in the accident: "It's no wonder that this kettle had an accident, look how dirty his car is!"

A must-have item in the house of the Virgin is a magnifying glass. With her help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, so she looks for specks of dust.
Virgo's love relationship also strictly plans, meetings, and sex with her partner take place on schedule.

Cheerful horoscope for Libra

Libra is languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and incomprehensible, to the rest of mankind, nobility. They love to dress fashionably and follow fashion carefully. The craving to look fashionable with them is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men instead of trousers will wear a shirt and tie a knot at their belt.

Libra is very fond of teaching everyone and explaining everything to everyone. For example, with perseverance worthy better application, will tell you the difference between a coffee latte and a coffee with milk. And it is useless to argue that they are one and the same.

In love, Libra is mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either invites you to an intimate date, or says goodbye forever.

Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio

Scorpios consider themselves irresistible personalities, they can look in the mirror for hours and admire their own person. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, saying "I didn't really want to."

Scorpios are very loving and obscenely sexy. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it at every corner. Here is just one small nuance, Scorpio men like such women, looking at whom other men say: "No, I can't drink so much vodka," and Scorpio women choose such chosen ones for themselves, about whom we can say that they just got off trees or crawled out onto dry land.

Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius

Sagittarius are such adventurers that being around them is simply dangerous. They may offer you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and will even offer you to fold your parachute. Do not agree for anything, otherwise, their happy face will be the last thing you see in life.

Do not try to introduce your chosen one (chosen one), if it is a Sagittarius, with your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarius are careless and unfaithful lovers. After parting with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember about you.

Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn

Capricorns are a kind of mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe they are as charismatic as Leo and as logical as Virgo. In fact, they have the self-conceit of Leo and the sadness of the Virgins.

Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and depressing look that they just want to tell them: "Put on a different face, a little more fun."

In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What most often happens, the partner gets tired of fighting the universal despondency of Capricorn.

Merry horoscope for Aquarius

Aquarians are the most "knowledgeable" people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was ill with in childhood or what stars the constellation Sagittarius consists of, and he will tell you with a clever look and very at length about everything.

Aquarians love their bodies very much, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very eager to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you still listen to them constantly, agree with everything and admire their vast knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.

Cheerful horoscope for Pisces

Pisces are very vindictive creatures, God forbid, offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but you will subsequently regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.

Fish are very slow in everything, and they are the same drivers. If you see a car driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.

In love, Pisces are cold and predictable, this is what they say about them "sleepy fish". But they consider themselves to be almost Scorpios in a love relationship.

It is hardly possible now to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But the funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac may well interest even the most hardened skeptics. While reading playful horoscopes, you can while away the time, have fun with the company and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the basic qualities of each sign, helps in this interesting matter.

Aries

All the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs agree on one thing: you won't be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and die-hard lamb.

Aries hates everyday routine, but they will be happy to spin around and give out their innovative ideas incessantly. It is almost impossible to make him do what he does not want to do. But there is one little trick. Tell the other person to do it better. At this point, Aries will break into a cake to prove their leadership and superiority.

The fiery nature of Aries is noted for the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. In terms of the time that this person is ready to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is a ram in Africa, walking right through the jungle. Aries in this case can even be christened a rocket - it acts instantly, energetically and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his courtship. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” is his motto in love.

Taurus

Here he is, a worthy competitor to Aries in terms of the degree of stubbornness. This will be confirmed not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristic of the signs of the zodiac. Moreover, enviable persistence is accompanied by fierce conservatism as a "bonus". Try to get Taurus to throw something out of outdated household trash and you will understand it. Whether it's a damaged disc, a notebook left over from school days, or torn-up sneakers - it doesn't matter. All these things are valuable to him. And Taurus are terrible bores: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.

Representatives of this constellation are closed personalities. It's easier to talk to the wall than Taurus. At least by tapping on it, you will hear a hum. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.

Taurus's attitude to love is the same as to things - what more money and the time he spent seeking you, the more valuable you will be to him. And do not expect originality in courtship - Taurus' conservatism extends to amorous affairs.

Twins

They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from the breed of people who will stand up for "any kipish, except hunger strike." As noted by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, in terms of date of birth and character, these personalities fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have a whole company of winds walking in their heads.

Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Gemini themselves. For many hours they may not be silent, completely oblivious to the reaction of others. It seems that even at his own commemoration, Gemini will rise from the coffin and tell the guests wallowing in a swoon with a suitable anecdote on the topic.

The laziness of these individuals is as legendary as their speaking skills. Due to their unwillingness to delve into some topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little bit of everything. The ideal profession for them is the one that will help them instantly and without unnecessary gestures to earn a million. Oh yes, Gemini needs a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chirp on the phone.

Cancer

The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if outwardly they look like a callous loaf, a brutal bumpkin or an uncouth redneck. When watching non-childish films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.

Funny characteristic signs of the zodiac compares Cancers with their namesakes from the animal kingdom. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a neat step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what is on the mind of the other person.

It is undesirable to joke sparklingly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can be upset even because of the light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is the strictest taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and tsunami than endure black humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. It is also worth joking about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone in a row for a long time.

a lion

The one and only He is proud and dignified, even if he is locked in a zoo cage. The wild cries of the nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, a funny description highlights the royalty of this person, which, it seems, no nuisance can bring down the arrogance with.

What is good for Leo himself, it is not very fun and pleasant to his loved ones, because he needs an appeal worthy of status. In his opinion, those around him should be glad already that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is able to overshadow everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.

However, sometimes the whirlpool of events that the Leo generates around him may get completely different from what he would like. What can you do, such is the strength of the royal will. Do you want to recognize Leo in your environment? Listen to the manner of speaking: the use of the pronoun "I" by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, agree?

Virgo

Representatives of this constellation are the true confirmation that appearances can be deceiving. It would seem that at the word "virgin" the imagination draws us a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature that sits at home at handicrafts. Astrologers, who make up the characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, disagree with this view. The funny irony of fate is that in reality things are "a little bit" different. Instead of a sensitive friend who supports him from hard times, a companion in all endeavors, Virgo can easily turn out to be ... a serial killer. Yes, statistics claims that most of the maniacs were born under this zodiac sign (and what else can you expect from such neat and tidy people?).

Virgo can easily use her ability to adapt to the environment and be always emphasized by a polite and correct person to achieve the desired goal. Before you can blink an eye, she is already sitting on right hand from the director. But the object of his love will never show sympathy until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will patiently wait: suddenly something will change.

scales

Whatever the funny characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, by years and months they all define one thing for sure: this sign fully justifies its name. Libra people are constantly in search of mental balance, and therefore completely do not pay attention to the material world. Let someone else deal with the solution everyday problems, whether it be cooking, washing or cleaning, and Libra has more sublime things to do.

People of this sign are always thrown into different sides... Having quickly caught fire with a new idea, they will use all available resources to implement it. They will connect a lot of people and create an event of a national scale, but in the middle of the way they will get tired of it all. They will quietly leave, leaving others to rake the porridge they have brewed.

Libra's impermanence extends to love affairs. Moreover, for them, this state is so familiar that after the betrayal, their conscience will not even torment them. After all, they do not attempt to destroy the family at all, and so they started an affair. Hence, they are worthy of forgiveness.

Scorpion

These are real poisonous infections. The ridiculous characteristics of the signs of the zodiac in poetry and prose praise their ability to break the hearts of everyone who comes within sight. This is due to the natural charm of Scorpions and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and every time "to the grave." The object of attention will be immediately confronted with this fact. It is unlikely that it will be possible to turn away from the original advances of Scorpio, and you will not want to - he is a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or beloved).

Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If the representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then, no matter how difficult it is, he will go towards it with principled stubbornness. And even if you have to destroy everything that gets in the way - this will not stop Scorpio. But build new world after the chaos, he will be with the same enthusiasm.

Sagittarius

People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goal, even if it does not happen immediately. A funny characteristic of the signs of the zodiac advises to look at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and hard work, Sagittarius is helped in this by a tailwind, which directs the arrows shot right into the bull's-eye.

By nature, Sagittarius are real benefactors. They always try to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn't matter what the gifted themselves think). Their motto is "who but me?" Employers use this very well. Well, what, Sagittarius will not mind if he is loaded with a bunch of work. It is only necessary to hint that it is very important for the company that everything is done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.

But do not openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and their memory is excellent. Will remind you of all the misunderstandings from kindergarten... And, in general, they will easily express the truth in person, at the risk of getting their own in the face.

Capricorn

This is a pendulum man that always balances between two extremes, according to a funny characterization of the zodiac signs. For children of this sign, adult seriousness and thoroughness are characteristic. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He rushes headlong into work, as if into a whirlpool, and it will be simply unrealistic to pull him out. He will spend all his mental and physical strength, even on a deliberately impossible task. However, if Capricorn was impatient to go on a spree, then he will give himself up to this occupation completely, uncontrollably having fun until complete degradation. It is possible to save him from a sad fate only if it is possible to divert attention to something more interesting.

Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is already convinced that all around are creeping bastards who have come to success over their heads or through the bed, then at least if you can comfort him on his head, you cannot convince him all the same.

Aquarius

Verbiage spills out from Aquarius like tap water. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be an interesting interlocutor, it is Gemini. Perhaps you can still argue who will talk over whom in the end.

Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walking under the moon, meeting the dawn. Get ready with him to conquer ancient ruins shrouded in secrets - this is an indispensable attribute of courting for him. According to the cool characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, in poetry and serenades such a person has no equal. Aquarius women are used to following the dictates of their hearts. If it suggests that you should be together, wait for her on the doorstep with suitcases.

What do Aquarius value most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them, if you want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius has made the necessary supply of cookies and will live for a long time and not grieve in his cozy little world.

Fishes

If anyone is capable of creating an alternative fictitious reality for himself and others out of nothing, it is Pisces. Moreover, for them, the world of fantasy will be as real as our usual one. They can easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the signs of the zodiac, is an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.

Ask this person about anything - to water flowers in your absence, to write a diploma for you - he will certainly break into a cake, but will fulfill the request. Such an altruist is such a freak, there is nothing to be done. In love, Pisces are shy and careful, they will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step towards them. “Vanilla” is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or about her). So if you are ready to take the Fish in love with you and lead the story in the right direction(and then push forward with kicks all your life) - go for it.

Comic horoscopes cheer up, but they also contain some truth. Find out which life principles characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the amusing suggestions, you can find useful information and change for the better.

Horoscopes, no matter how funny they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations affect the character and behavior of people, which means that jokes have not gone so far from the truth. The site team has compiled a funny horoscope for you, in which the characteristics of each sign of the Zodiac fit into short and succinct expressions. We hope that they will help you not only to improve your mood, but also to get rid of your weaknesses.

Aries

Aries can define themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful essence.

It's useless to argue with me. You cannot overreach me.
I will do it first, and then I will think.
I do not brake where everyone slows down.
I will stay young forever, because it is boring to become an adult.
You can do the same as me. You can't do better anyway.
Please speak faster. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
My stubbornness is not a vice, it was just born in front of me.
It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
I won't hit first, but you'd better not touch me.
It's good to be honest - unnecessary people stop communicating with me.

Taurus

If Taurus could characterize themselves in a joking manner, they could use the following phrases.

You never feel sorry for money to buy things, but always to have fun.
I don’t need someone else, and don’t dare touch mine.
Better to be bad friends than to quarrel kindly.
It is better to stay in the familiar comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
Food is a wonderful invention of humanity.
Better to go second to save energy.
Taste delicious dishes and guilt is my addiction.
Be gentle and then you can achieve more than others.
There is no need to jerk someone who is well settled.
Disposable things were invented for disposable people.

Twins

Restless Gemini will do ten capacious phrases that reveal their character and demeanor.

Today I am again not who I was yesterday.
It is useful to be in control of the situation - you get more information.
One mind is good, but two is better. Especially if both belong to you.
Today I am here, tomorrow I am there.
Ideas should not gather dust on the shelves of old books.
If you did not have time, then you were late. We need to accelerate.
In life, you need to move quickly so as not to get bogged down in "textures".
I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
There is not enough time for quality, so I use quantity.
There should be more means of communication.

Cancer

Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their behavior by the following interesting phrases, which in a humorous manner reflect their style of behavior.

It's hard to live only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
Per stone walls of my fortress I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
Stocks need to be replenished so that they never run out.
Being a nanny is great. And it doesn't matter how old your ward is.
If you know how to wait, that happiness will find you in the end.
You need to meet with friends at home, and not walk around cafes.
The abundance of food in the refrigerator is real happiness.
Money should be spent only on quality things.
My past is always with me. And it doesn't bother me at all.
Ten years is not a period for good quality clothes.

a lion

Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that the people around them give them. However, there is some truth in every joke that is worth listening to.

It is much more pleasant to help people than to be in the role of asking for help.
Follow me, I know the right way.
Good manners are the key to personal success.
The sun is shining exclusively for Lviv.
It's nice to make good money, but it's much more enjoyable to spend it.
The dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
I don’t understand how you can not admire me.
I need more gold, more pathos and more rapturous looks.
Even if the thing is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks gorgeous.
The plaque on my office door must be flawless.

Virgo

Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude towards life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.

If you work hard, then a lot will come out of this.
All things should be in their place.
Modesty adorns any Virgo.
There should be logic in everything, even in love.
Everything should look perfect. No pictures hanging crookedly.
You need to live not only for yourself, but also in order to help others.
Large scales are frightening - it is difficult to put things in order in them.
Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it yourself
Throwing away old things is not necessary. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
Less hassle, more routine.

scales

For Libra, the following statements may sound familiar. They may help you feel less hesitant and improve your behavior.

Any business must be done with the appropriate mood.
You can win by agreeing.
Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tedious things to do.
You can move mountains with politeness.
Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the house, and in the workplace.
Information is needed like air.
Laziness is the engine of progress.
One of the dumbest things to do is arguing. It takes too much energy.
Doubt can sometimes help you avoid trouble.
Not all i's need to be dotted.

Scorpion

If Scorpios could tell about themselves in capacious short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.

It takes a good reason to smile.
It is a pity that sometimes there is no one to "bite".
This world lacks knights.
I am like a cactus: flowers open only for a select few.
Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who truly deserve it.
Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain outwardly calm.
The world needs stations to fuel people with emotions.
You need to go to the break, even through the windbreak.
People are like books: you just need to open them.
You need to take risks constantly, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians could present themselves and their character in the following humorous terms.

Those who have it feel remorse. Mine doesn't bite.
It makes no sense to panic ahead of time, I will figure it out when “it squeezes.
The spirit of competition allows you to be better at everything.
Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
I forgive everyone I owe.
Argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
I'm not obligatory, but immensely charming.
I hang noodles for free and professionally.
I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
Commitment saves lives.

Capricorn

For Capricorns, which people may not understand, the site experts have selected the following funny statements. We hope that they will help to cheer you up and smile more often.

Even one in the field can be a warrior.
The laws of meanness work for me.
I am like cognac: I only get better with age.
It is good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
Financial advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
You can afford to spit from the top down if you climb it all your life.
Life is like a train that stops at its stations exactly on schedule.
If necessary, I can become the head of the universe
There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
Stubbornness can "gore" anyone.

Aquarius

The ten sentences that characterize Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.

There is no more boredom than being like others.
I come up with ideals myself.
To live with prejudice is the lot of fools.
Everything will be fine in the future.
Be an angel? Why not?
Sometimes a good intention is enough. This is optional.
Family is great, but friends are more important.
There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They are friends and create chaos.
I can be in several places at once, because good man there should be a lot.
There should be stops in life, not safe havens.

Fishes

Pisces, with their world of illusions and unwillingness to explain their behavior, can use the following capacious phrases.

My profession is to empathize professionally.
There is no need to put off until tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow.
I can promise. I love, I can, I practice. But I will not rush to perform.
I understand everyone, but not myself.
Don't put pressure on me, otherwise I will disappear.
Yes, I'm busy, but what few can understand.
We need more handkerchiefs and people-vests.
Food needs to be chewed, work to work.
Maintaining order in the house - who needs it?
The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave it for a long time.

A comic horoscope can reflect your inner state. In any case, even funny statements about your Sign should not be ignored. Be attentive in your actions and desires so that there is no room for disappointment in your life. Bring luck into your life and be happy. We wish you all the best and do not forget to press the buttons and