On high expectations: we deserve exactly what we get. High expectations - an inevitable conflict between reality and imagination

10 steps to get rid of fairytale expectations in a relationship

HOW TO BE WITH EXPECTATIONS IN RELATIONSHIP?

There are several reasons for the emergence of expectations (which often develop into claims).

FIRST is the unwillingness to take care of oneself. Unbeknownst to ourselves, we cease to be aware of our role in communication, we ignore the moment that we create relationships ourselves. The most common phrase in many couples is: "I try, I put in efforts, develop our relationship, and on the other side of the wire there is silence!"

However, relationships are always co-creation. Expectations force us to create a communication scenario that seems acceptable to us in the first place (we build relationships as if with ourselves, ignoring our partner). And the man (by default) is left with the order of things that the woman invented.

In any person, violence is far from love, but a backlash. You don't need to think that even if nothing is voiced in words, then everything is fine. This is an illusion. We are able to feel each other's state even at a distance.

If you wait for something all the time, then the main thing is lost - the moment of life here and now. Add here such a feature of a woman as the desire to improve everything (it should be noted that in a positive way, this beautiful trait helps us decorate the world and make it more beautiful), and you will receive eternal dissatisfaction with a man.

It is very important for a man to be appreciated. Here and now. Accepted as he is. And here you need maximum wisdom in order to inspire a man with your state, without changing him forcibly. The image of a beautiful maiden, sitting in a mansion and waiting for happiness, can play a bad joke with a woman. Because patience always gradually drops a grain of discontent with reality into the soil.

Most often, expectations arise at those moments when relations need to be transferred to another level (one of the laws happy union- this is his constant development). Take, for example, an elementary example: the romantic period of courtship is replaced by "everyday life" or the time when the honeymoon ends, the relationship sometimes changes dramatically. And the partners, out of nowhere, have expectations. In the waiting mode, our partner, of course, must continue to behave in a certain way. And if this is not the case, then a crack lies in the foundation of the relationship.

Expectations, moreover, give rise to a lot of anxiety in any woman. And the feminine state, self-love is lost. Thoughts that they will stop loving her, abandon her, that she is not needed, can ruin life. In fact, expectations resemble a black hole that drags in deeply and for a long time. And signs confirming that everything is bad begin to pour in as if from a cornucopia. And if you think calmly, the situation sometimes looks trivially simple: we do not know how to hear each other. And, most importantly, yourself!

“If he doesn't call, I'll die,” the woman thinks. Is your life worthless without this call?

And instead of taking care of her space (I = my space, my world), the woman begins to deal with the “impulse” of the man, that is, she thinks over how and why he should act.

Let's dream up right now. Imagine women sitting in a circle. Each of them is a reflection of your expectations. The first one awaits compliments, the second - gifts, the third - affection ... See the displeased, suffering faces of these women. And think: would a man want to enter this circle? Now change the picture. The same women are sitting in a circle, but happy and contented: one knows how to rejoice, the other - to give affection and warmth, the third - is engaged in her favorite art and she has no time to be bored, the fourth - creates comfort in the house (remember that every woman is you!) ...

By this example, I am not urging you to become an ideal and overly patient woman who is afraid of her negative emotions and is ready to portray joy when cats scratch their souls, if only the relationship is preserved. Rather, it is a call to remove those viruses of consciousness that interfere with living fully and happily. Don't wait, but know that everything will be fine. After all, events are already developing in the best way.

I recently received a letter from a woman:

“… It’s an amazing moment when I just talked with men, and I didn’t have a definite relationship, it seems that there were no expectations! I gave love, noticed good in men, never ceased to be amazed at how generous the world is for surprises and gifts. Men were ready to get me the Moon from the sky just for what I am ... When I began to build relationships with a man, the joy here and now disappeared. Much annoys me, and I catch myself thinking that I am always unhappy with what he does for me. I want more! And he is in no hurry to do this more. As a result, I get angry. And the man either avoids communication with me, or, being around, we quarrel. How to be? "

The most important thing that we can give to another is love! Love without expectations. And in a relationship, you need to learn to notice every little thing that a man has done for you. You don’t need to live in the past or aspire to the future. Imagine that you have a chest that you fill with jewelry every day. And jewelry is your vision and ability to notice male actions.

Remember how in the tale of Cinderella, the stepmother wrote down the signs of attention that the prince showed to her daughters. Smile and practice this art! It is better to string beads of happiness on a string than to accumulate negativity and anger because he behaved wrong again.

Everyone has the freedom to choose! And a man may never do what you want. This option is also possible. Why put yourself in dependence on the actions of other people ?!

And another deep reason for expectations is the fear of not receiving love.

Because if we do not receive something from a person, then it seems to us that we are not loved. And here you can, like a beggar, ask for alms and wait (it is difficult for us to accept that love can come in the wrong form and not from the person from whom we expect it) or start loving yourself and giving love freely and joyfully. The more expectations - the less love for yourself, and for your partner too. If I wait, then I feel bad now, uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I do not live now.

💥 How to get rid of expectations?

Learn to rejoice here and now. Asking yourself and honestly answering the question: "What do I feel now, what do I want, what do I lack?" If your joy requires a certain action from another person, thank him mentally and think of him lovingly. Now think of how you can please yourself here and now? One famous Woman once said: "Before I expect anything from a man, I will go and buy myself a new hat." That is the beauty of the female state, that any little thing can make a woman happy.
Expectations are the result of inner emptiness and self-loathing. So self-love, care, tenderness in your address will be, as it should be, by the way. Your inner vessel needs to be filled with love. Do not be lazy to do this every day!
Channel your desire to improve the world in a positive direction. Don't remake men! You don't need to improve your partner. Take care of yourself! Instead of darkly waiting for him to act like a man, pay attention to how to learn to accept the world wisely and like a woman. Improve your space, yourself.
Understand once and for all that each of us has a free choice how to act in a given situation. A man is not your copy, shadow, "appendage" or pupil. He solves his problems. When you are together, then you have common task- the task of your relationship, where you need to be able to negotiate and give everyone the right to be himself.
Come out of the circle of women who sit with an outstretched hand and are waiting for attention and love. Start giving love yourself!
Respect yourself so as not to waste precious hours of your life on empty expectations. Every woman actually has an intuition that can tell her the right actions and a real picture of relationships. Do not be afraid to hear the voice of your soul! Don't be afraid to lose anyone. After all, real relationships happen only by mutual desire!
If you keep track that you are beginning to expect something from a man, start actively taking care of yourself. What do I want to give myself? What can I give my family and friends?
Learn to perceive the world in all its diversity. Life is not one scenario that seems ideal to you. Maybe a surprise is being prepared for you, and with your persistent expectation you demand something specific from life, thereby "straining" the world. We are always given according to our faith. So the wait may be longer. For a long time. And the surprise will pass you by.
Use the phrase: "I allow it to be." As soon as the disturbing thought comes that you are not loved, forgotten about you and so on, repeat: "I allow this to be." This will stop you wasting your energy fighting a life that doesn't give you what you expect.
Appreciate every moment of your life and fill it with joy!

Have you ever wondered why there are so many unhappy people around? Happy man it is very difficult to meet, so it seems that a life full of bitterness and turmoil is normal. In reality, this should not be so: the normal state of mind is joy and peace.

We are made unhappy by high expectations for ourselves, loved ones, our level of wealth, career and much more.

It seems to a person with excessive expectations that his unstable inner state is to blame ...

Many are used to setting goals and achieving results. Often we strive for a previously set goal, not noticing all the beauty and versatility of the reality around us, forgetting that circumstances are changing, and the goal itself may lose its relevance long ago.

And it happens that we stubbornly continue to go towards the goal, although the circumstances and situations around offer vying with each other to think and get out of the vicious circle of obsession with the goal.

Attention to the process, the details that make up your life ...

I have such a problem .... For example, if they give me compliments, I am scared for some reason and then complexes arise .... Or I need to go somewhere or go somewhere, I do not leave the feeling of something bad, it seems, but if something happens bad ...

Although what can happen after going to the store ..... Friends already because of this began to consider me some kind of homebody, although I really want to have fun, everything goes to the fact that I start to be afraid of people, and I am very afraid of all the bad statements in my direction .. ...

Everyone knows the feeling when you are painfully waiting for something. There are plenty of options for what to expect.

Here are some examples.

The girl lives in a civil marriage and has been waiting for a marriage proposal for a year.

A married lady with children believes that her husband will stop drinking.

A student guy has been in love for several years with a girl who has been in the friend zone for 2 years.

The employee hopes that the boss will finally notice the efforts and raise the salary.

The mistress believes that a married man will leave the family and ...

Hello!

I am 36 years old and I always choose the wrong men. For different reasons. Sometimes because I had to get married and someone with whom I was not particularly good agreed. Sometimes I am with those who do not suit me, because I am afraid of loneliness, I am bored and I agree to a society that is not suitable for me.

Sometimes, because I am afraid of relationships or do not love myself, I find myself with those men who do not value me, do not respect me, or simply do not plan anything with me in the future, although they do not treat me ...

Many would like to learn how to resist manipulators. But there is one little secret... To acquire such a skill as an elegant confrontation with manipulators of all stripes, you first need to change something within yourself. What exactly? A bit further.

As long as "it" is sitting inside, beautiful behavior in a collision with a manipulator will not work. “It” is like a beast that has escaped from a cage and pushes us to fight the manipulator. And what beauty is there in a fight? A fight is an exhibition of one's own weakness and ...

As soon as I stopped expecting something from myself, from life, from others and began to feel life and just live, life, in turn, revealed amazing ways for me, which I did not notice, expecting something else ...

Recently, one thing happened to me that helped turn my life 90 degrees, and miracles began to happen almost daily, often in large quantities and at a time. Many already live from such a state, for some it is natural, for me it was a discovery, honestly, I did not expect this ...

Before a person came to an appointment with a psychologist, he already had a certain expectation of what might happen during this meeting. To some extent, the presented set of expectations from psychology and psychotherapy can be viewed as a special psychological test: tell me what you expect from this meeting - and I will tell you who you are. You can draw up a kind of classification or highlight typologies of people prone to certain expectations from a meeting with a psychologist and ...

Your conscious or preconscious expectations and assumptions about the nature of dreams largely determine the specific form that your dreams take. As mentioned, this also applies to real life.

As an example of the effect of supposed restrictions on human behavior, consider the myth of the four-minute mile. For many years, it was believed that it was impossible to run a mile faster than four minutes - until someone broke this record and the impossible became ...

Each of us at least once was young and warm-hearted. Perhaps you, my reader, are still so hot that you are steaming on the street. And when you are young and hot, the whole world for you is divided only into clear colors without halftones, and relations with others should be simple, like the walls in the entrance of the "Khrushchev". In your fantasies, you think over which type of the opposite sex attracts you the most: what the happiness of your whole life should be carried away with, and how it should interact with the world around you. And then one day you still meet your ideal. By some kind of magic, he or she is the direct embodiment of all your fantasies, as if the Lord God himself read your personal diary and created your perfect couple... But, for some reason, over time, your ideal is grounded and ceases to be a dream come true. What went wrong?

In most cases, after some time, the ideal partner and ultimate dream begins suddenly change, uncontrollably ceasing to be an ideal. And then it seems to us that we were deceived, and that the object of desires put on a sheep's skin, being at the same time a stinking skunk. It seems that we were deliberately in love with a fictional character for our own pleasures, and, having received what we wanted, revealed our true appearance. We can only slam the door in disappointment, or suffer and endure such unpleasant metamorphoses.

In fact, a person in a relationship "changes" only partially. This is the natural desire of everyone to seem a little better at first in order to charm their passion. And it is not at all necessary to call it pretense - fresh and strong romantic experiences are really capable of inspiring and forcing to act uncharacteristically for themselves in relation to an attractive object. A little later, when partners become a little more comfortable with each other, they begin to show a little more of themselves than at first. A few strange habits, a little bit negative character traits and a couple of shells clogged with hair can cause resentment and questions like "who are you, and what did you do with my girlfriend?"

When we got used to each other and relaxed a little, our chosen ones begin to think that the tomatoes have wilted, since the romantic gestures have already ended. Somewhere disappeared brushing your teeth before "waking up" next to your beloved and unexpected lattes with pies to your office. And everyone gets upset that they no longer want to love each other every second in all acceptable and unacceptable locations. And in general, went "household".

But in fact, this is only a stage of the relationship, and the stage is very important and useful. He, like a litmus test, shows your sincere intentions and desires in relation to each other, as well as the ability to get along with another living being. After all, there are people who only like the candy-bouquet period, and they categorically do not want to plunge into all these grinding and common life... They need smooth female legs, the effect of surprise, restaurant dates and languid sighs under the moon. Such people have to constantly run away from real intimacy and look for more and more new relationships. And if your man has already seen you in the morning, without cuts and silently swearing, collects your socks or cosmetics throughout the house - congratulations, you have started a great period! Which means that you are really interested in each other and are able to endure all this shit, just to be together and still build a serious relationship.

So don't be in a hurry to be disappointed if instead of flowers you received a bag of groceries and a request to "bungle borscht." Thus, a person shows that he knows how to get food and now wants you to show him that you can cook it. If everything goes well, then you will go to the bedroom and show each other how you can make children.

Sometimes girls are more disappointed in relationships than boys and, as a result, they begin to do everything so that boys are also disappointed in relationships. The fact is that modern women love to live according to the laws of distorted feminism, collecting only the cream of this concept: freedom and independence. But when it comes to buying a refrigerator, a woman seems to want to remain strong and independent, but she also wants to spend this amount more on boots. Therefore, here it is already more convenient for her to become " a weak woman"And ask to buy a" musik "refrigerator. "Musik" will buy a refrigerator and naturally expect borscht. But here it will be more convenient for a woman to remember her feminism and go with her friends to drink whiskey.

Therefore, in order for the relationship to develop smoothly, each of their participants should take for themselves a role in these relationships and correspond to it in accordance with the regulations at:

- you cannot overestimate the requirements and constantly expect something from your partner from your fantasies. If your partner does not show ability in the field of mind reading, you should talk and verbalize your desires;

- and most importantly, you need to understand that the absence of romance does not necessarily symbolize a lack of interest in you. Sometimes this is an indicator that you are doing well, that the relationship is moving towards stability. Therefore, you cannot panic and take offense;

- grievances and claims will alienate you from you, and your loved one will really go into the category of "goats" who abandoned you;

- just don’t raise your expectations and don’t try on your half of the “super partner costume” that was made in your fantasies even before you met.

Let your love make perfect the person who is next to you. A person who looks at you with tenderness and went with you through all your snot-drooling and discontent. Here he is perfect. Brad Pitt isn't. Live with it.

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We are made unhappy by high expectations for ourselves, loved ones, our level of wealth, career and much more.

A person with excessive expectations thinks that the environment and his own imperfection are to blame for his unstable inner state. He is sure that he is nervous because reality does not correspond to his desires, and in order to calm down, he must ensure that his dreams come true. But overestimated expectations differ from a healthy desire for improvement in that they are groundless - not supported by the real capabilities of the object to which they are directed. In fact, this is a psychological deviation, which is accompanied by anxiety, nervousness, and suspiciousness.

For those who have a syndrome of inflated desires, it always seems that they deserve more than they have. At the same time, such people often do not realize that they do not correspond to the level of their own needs. Thus, they can apply for positions for which they have no residual qualifications; dream of marrying an idol or marrying a celebrity. There is no ceiling for their ambitions. The conflict between the real and the fictional world, the inability to achieve the set goal again generates anxiety and concern - the circle is closed. This syndrome grows out of an inferiority complex - through external attributes (a beautiful wife, wealth, a luxurious house), a person tries to compensate for his inner lack of self-sufficiency.

Receiving a turn from life "from the gates", he plunges even more into his complex. Both those around and the person himself suffer from exorbitant demands. Very often this manifests itself in the attitude of wives to their husbands - it always seems to a woman that her husband is not good enough, does not earn enough, does not know how to properly carry out her tasks. At the same time, she completely forgets that she is also not perfect. The wife gnaws at her beloved and herself is constantly upset by his sluggishness. We do the same with children, demanding that they be neat and child prodigies - and they are just children who learn the world through mistakes. Overestimated requirements also manifest themselves: you need to be the best, do everything on the highest level- hence perfectionism arises.

But here's the catch - we deserve exactly what we get. And our spiritual harmony depends only on perception. Either we will be too demanding of our life - and therefore unhappy that it does not meet our high expectations, or we will accept it as it is. You just need to remember that the husband (wife) and children are real people, they also have their weaknesses, and not all were born to become presidents of millions of companies ...

The first step in dealing with the syndrome of high expectations is its awareness, understanding that this is a trap of self-deception, which one should not fall into. If we are grateful to life for what is given, then happiness will never leave us. And if you think all the time that everything could be better, then you can suffer from this endlessly, since there is no limit to perfection.

Most profitable investment is usually an investment in oneself. It is naive to think that getting a diploma is about higher education guarantees a successful future life. Only constant self-development makes a person interesting, both for those around him and for future employers. Therefore, any video courses on psychology and personality development will help you navigate well in relationships with others and live in harmony with yourself.

It is no longer a new idea that a person's happiness does not depend on the availability of money or external beauty, not on a profitable marriage or a fast-paced career, but only on his attitude to everything he encounters and possesses. Happy people they are glad that they have, and the unfortunate ones demand from themselves and the world around them more than they can be offered.

High expectations syndrome is a deviation psychological nature, which is expressed through exorbitant demands and too high expectations for oneself and others.

A person who has overestimated requirements and overestimated expectations is sure that he deserves much more than he has now - this can relate to any area of our existence. He carries himself through life in full confidence that he is about to dwell in chic house, drive a car of the freshest brand or hug a model from a magazine cover by the waist. It would seem, what's wrong with such dreams? And if these are not even dreams, but specific goals - perhaps, on the contrary, we should learn from such people?

Let's remember what dreams and goals are. In the first case, a person draws in his imagination pictures of a beautiful future, realizing that they are unlikely to be realized - or maybe not necessary. For example - to fly to the moon. The idea is good, but too far from the wallet of mere mortals. The goals differ in that a person realizes the possibility of their implementation and makes efforts to achieve them. An important role is also played by a clear awareness of their relevance in the intended role and the willingness to bear the responsibility that it will require.

Inflated expectations hang somewhere in the middle between dreams and goals - they have a shell of a goal, but are even less achievable than dreams. Being firmly convinced of his worthiness to possess certain benefits, the bearer of the syndrome does nothing to achieve his goal and does not realize that he absolutely does not fit his assigned role. He can lie on the couch in tattered sportswear and wait for the longed-for glory to finally come to him - but, of course, he will never wait for anything.

Sometimes it also happens that a person makes great efforts to realize his expectations, but cannot stop at the golden mean. Trying to make himself or others ideal, he goes beyond common sense - after all, his goal is initially unattainable. So there are silicone freaks, ridiculously pumped athletes, tyrant bosses and inadequate fighters against injustice.

High expectations syndrome can have different reasons appearance. It is curious that both overestimated and underestimated self-esteem can provoke him. Having an overestimated self-esteem, the "patient" makes up a picture of himself that does not correspond to reality - of course, the most beautiful one - and waits for all the benefits that are due to him to come by themselves. People with low self-esteem tend to place too high demands on themselves. They try to develop themselves to the level of perfection, not realizing that this is impossible.

Children's latent psychological trauma can also be a trigger for the onset of the syndrome. The most common pattern is that what was lacking in childhood becomes an obsession in adulthood.

This can be clearly seen in the relationship of children in whose family there was not enough love - for themselves or between their parents. They tend to idealize their future partner and make high demands on him. Those who spent their childhood in unsanitary conditions often grow up to be squeamish perfectionists, imposing their own notions of cleanliness on those around them. Furious fighters for sobriety emerge from families of alcoholics, demanding from others the same unquestioning observance of the purity of the body.

It's hard to be a person with high expectations syndrome - he gets disappointed more often than others, because he demands too much from the world. He is constantly tense, anxious and nervous, as he is in a state of constant conflict between fiction and reality. It is hard for his loved ones too because of the constant nagging and growing demands, endless depression and irritability.

It is sad that overestimated expectations from life are often imposed on us artificially, from the outside. After watching the glossy TV shows, where even the cleaning ladies dress better than our average women, and every man is macho and rich, many believe them. Of course, the creators of the series do not intend to put any complexes in our heads - they just want to make beautiful picture... Sane viewers understand that this is just a fairy tale, stylized as real life... But how many people are near us who take it at face value! They look at themselves, ordinary ones - and at the plot heroines who wake up already painted and cheerful. And they think: "Probably, something is wrong with me."

Worse, the same technique is used by advertisers - but for their own purposes. Demonstrating an ideal world, bright videos and posters promise an introduction to it - use our paste, and you will immediately get an impossible snow-white smile. And between the lines - you will be just as beautiful, rich, and even your teeth will align themselves ... The creators of advertising do not just popularize the product - they show us a nonexistent, beautiful, unattainable, but such an alluring future. And now it seems to us that everything around is disgustingly gray, and we should strive there, into the sparkling society of supermen.

Of course, most of us, to one degree or another, have overestimated expectations - from the imminent celebration of the New Year, from the anticipation of a new purchase, from a future trip. And the more of these expectations, the harder it is to be happy. And when they turn into a life-destroying obsession, this is the syndrome we are talking about today. Specialists will help to cope with it. And for those who only sometimes worry about the fact that “everything did not work out the way they wanted” - to relax and enjoy life as it is. It is rightly said that you should not expect anything at all: you will not be disappointed from bad results, and good ones will become a pleasant surprise.

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