What marriage is stronger: for love or by calculation

Tradition to marry or marry the calculation of the old as the world. Previously, the marriage union could solve the fate of not only representatives of two families, but entire states. Few who decided to condemn such a state of affairs, so the marriage of love met even less often than by calculating. Now the marriage for the calculation, although perceived by society somewhat negatively, but continues to exist.

Definitions of the concept of "marriage by calculation" in the literal sense is an union to achieve personal gain, as well as any strategic goals, a family created without love and relationships. This phrase came to us from french And literally translates as a "marriage of admissibility". This is the mercenary form of marriage by agreement when the parties are learning the desired. For example, the wife takes the condition of a husband or a husband gets the opportunity to continue the genus and make children. The goals of the spouses can be different, but the overwhelming majority of people, as in ancient times, is moving the desire to obtain material well-being or changes in their social status.

But it is worth noting that, perhaps, only in unions concluded a few days after the acquaintance, there is no calculation. Nevertheless, with rare exceptions, such marriages are doomed to failure outside of Hollywood films about love.

In other cases, planning a wedding for a single year, and the bride, and the bride asses the personal qualities of each other, possible difficulties, the material well-being and other aspects of life, that is, they pretend, whether their marriage will be successful. Such a logical calculation and creation of a family is not only at the kettling of the heart, but also using the brain, reduce the likelihood of divorce.

In Belarus, 50% of marriages eventually decay. In the UK, the situation is similar, and the British managed to calculate that from this number of not being established marriages, only 5-7% were concluded by the calculation. So maybe the calculation may compete with feelings?

5 advantages to marry calculation

Taking any decision, it is useful to weigh all "for" and "against." This is especially important if you plan marriage or marriage with an unloved person. What are the advantages from such a state of affairs:

The decision to create a family is accepted for a sober head, without the influence of feelings and passions.
Large love is usually associated with high expectations. Marriage without love will save you from scenes of jealousy, love suffering, the drama cooling of feelings and other possible surprises of raging passions.
It is unlikely to destroy the Union for the calculation, because the spouses agree in advance about the distribution of responsibilities and are not waiting for the unfinished person more.
In such an alliance, everyone gains merit and achieves what he wanted to create a family.
Most often, the polygamy is not prohibited in relationships without love. So, do not have to for a long time Store loyalty to one person.

5 minuses of marriage without love

The Union for the calculation and published is not too similar to the barrel of honey, and at the closer examination it turns out even more tar than I would like.

Many, deciding for marriage by calculation, ask: how to live without love in marriage. If such a question crushed into your head, the likelihood is that such a type of family is not for you. Sensitivity, sentimentality and fear of loneliness will only be exacerbated with time. Live life without having close man very hard.
Lack of support and mutual support between partners. After all, sometimes it wants so much to help you or take care of you in a difficult moment!
Girls often seek to marry the calculation for the rich. In such a situation, it is likely to be in the "Golden Cage". Often a woman becomes completely dependent on her husband and is perceived by him not as a person, but as an acquired thing.
Sophistication duty is not the most pleasant part of the family without love.
If, together with the creation of the family, a marriage contract was concluded, with a violation of at least one of his paragraph, the spouse could lose all the benefits he received from marriage.

Is it possible to live without love in marriage

Any relationship is everyday work on their preservation and improvement. Marriage by agreement is no exception. In the event that partners respect each other and try to create comfortable conditions in the family, albeit concluded by agreement and with mercenary goals, the family can be strong, and the marriage is happy.

Moreover, marriage without love often has more chances will not end with a divorce than the Union concluded under the influence of the "chemistry" of feelings. After all, it is not initially overwhelmed expectations and people are aware of: in order to comfortably coexist will have efforts! Lovers are believed that their feelings are the only key to success and often let everything on samonek.

Often, girls marry settlement, and later they appear feelings for a partner. This is the most prosperous outcome, because in this case, the spouse will be able to fill the house with love, and the female warmth and caress can be touched after some time the heart of any man.

So, how to grow love in marriage for the calculation and save the family?

The first, and most importantly: develop and love yourself! It is impossible to love a person who does not like himself.
Try to find contact points or create common interests. The more time you spend together, the greater the chances of the birth of warm feelings.
If you seriously assimary to breathe feelings in marriage by calculation, you should not seek love on the side. Without it, do not build confidence.
Start with friendly help and support, sincerely interest the deeds of the other. It will help to establish contact and show your care.
Tip for girls: watch yourself. Try to look good and show your weakness. All men by nature their defenders and hunters. If they see that someone needs them, men's qualities are manifested and feelings appear over time.

Ultimately, all sorts of marriage occurred in life. But the man himself creates his fate, so in his power to turn the situation so that it is as comfortable for everyone who turned out to be.

Tell your friends:

It is said that marriages for love, more often end with a divorce than marriages by calculation. So really it is better to get married with the profit, forgetting about mutual imposition?

According to many people, marriage by calculation, it is an union of a disgusting rich old man and the young Virgin. This stereotype imposed society for a long time. Today it is not quite so, young beauties share their lives with oligarchs, hoping to get into a fairy tale.

Such marriages are often strong, but it is difficult to call them well. Rich husbands consider their wives with beautiful toys. And it is nice to own and have something to show your friends. For them, the feelings of newlyweds are completely unimportant, they have no due respect for their wives, and the opinion of the second half is not perceived seriously. Women in such a union have to endure a betrayal, indifference, and sometimes humiliation.

Nevertheless, such marriages continue to exist for many years. The reason is one, women simply close everything and continue to tolerate. They understand that during the divorce will remain with nothing, it will leave them without funds, and they themselves are not used to work. However, legal assistance of a lawyer can be useful, a competent specialist will tell you what real prospects will be from divorce.

Interestingly, in today's world, marriage is used not only young girls. Young boys also want to live beautifully. If the young man understands what is good, but has no prospects to get rich, why not exchange its attractiveness on the opportunity to live in prosperity. Many of them agree even to marry.

There is another calculation, not necessarily money. It happens that people who were friends who were friends from childhood are married. Loved ones, almost relatives, knowing friend Everything is all about each other, their union in fact turns out to be more durable than other marriages. Biological clocks are ticking, she understands that time to create a family and give birth to a child, little. And next to the friend who is not lucky in love, on the shoulders divorce and loneliness. So they conclude a certain agreement and begin to live together. Such families are not built on passion, but on complete mutual understanding. They know all the habits of each other, they have fun and comfortable together.

Thus, not only friends come. How many women and men married not by love, but because it came time. Bearned youth behind, comes the fear of loneliness and old age. Such unions are also happy, because the husband and wife know what they want from family life. Do not wait for romantic feats, the moon from heaven and other things. The woman marries a real person, not a beautiful prince. In the period of courtesies, every person, whether it is a man or a woman, never reveals to the end. Therefore, lovers often create a family with a fictional partner. Already after the wedding, unpleasant surprises begin and as a result of quarrels and scandals. Marriage by calculation does not imply excellent dreams. Husband and wife really look at things, calmly relate to household difficulties and quarrels.

Each girl dreams of happy marriage and family. However, today they are increasingly building relationships, create a family, marry settlement. Is the best marriage?

Five harmonious marriage conditions

Professor psychology of one American University, William Akelz, is confident that for harmonious relationships enough to coincide five conditions:

1. Physical appeal.

"We want our partner outwardly to be attractive and attractive, like us. Otherwise, we can suffer Fiasco at the very beginning of dating. "

2. The level of income.

"Approximately the same \u003d Look for an equal one. Although, many women want to marry a wealthy and successful man. "

3. Desire to have, or not have children.

"Must coincide. If the plans are family life Initially do not coincide, it is better to search for another partner, until it came too far. "

4. Social layer.

Millionaire daughter hardly wants to marry the worker. It can only be in series;).

5. Education.

"Educated people are not inclined to associate their lives with those who are stupid them. However, it is not necessary to hurry with the conclusions: often people who do not have a diploma turn out to be very smart. "

Marriage of convenience

Surprisingly, today half of women do not love future husbands, and marry more or less "successful or forced option".

This expression " good option"We are increasingly hearing from their girlfriends. Practically luck is the presence of wealth, expensive car, housing, high salary. Such a marriage construction, as a rule, keeps on secondary circumstances, and not for love.

"Forced" marriage leads to the fact that irritation, quarrels, hatred between people who are forced to live together are gradually growing.

Let's say it is very often reproed:

"For vainly lived together the best years",
"A spoiled life ...",
"So that you do without me (L)," "I work, and you bring some kopecks,"
"You still lived in your village",
"I exhaust you, wear!", "I stayed (Sia) for the sake of a child."

All this leads to longing, depression, treason, dual life, often to aggression and quit. It turns out that you (he, she) spend life, energy for negative thoughts, tears in a pillow, suspicion. All these feelings are tormented by both family members. In such pairs - very frequent phenomenon, since any test of fate and the crisis it is difficult to overcome together.

Get married love

Family, this is a long-term project, this is what should make you stronger! One fine moment can change everything, who has no apartment, cars, big House Sooner or later they will earn on them, a man who has a small salary can grow in his career - today the seller, tomorrow the owner of his own shop. In fact, everything depends on you.

It is not necessary to associate your life with a person you do not like, it is not good, dishonestly in relation to both men and women. Marriage for love, and even mutual can not be attributed to the category "lucky!", This is a relationship: in joy and in the mountain, in the desire to give birth and educate children, in the ability to spend time together, to endure the weakness of each other, in contrast to marriage by calculation .

Summing up, I would like to say that the family should be a priority in the life of every person. It is the key to the successful development of parents and children.

A happy family requires constant work, respect and mutual understanding. If you want your child to be a successful, confident man, try first to create a family, the foundation of which is. Good luck and wisdom in everything important. Recommended

Natalia Kapartov

Reading time: 7 minutes

Today, quite often you can hear the phrase "marriage by calculation". Moreover, it seems that over the years, the number of such "artificial" unions increases. In another marriage, the calculation is also called "Interference in Cardigid Card". But it is worth thinking - is such a bad marriage, how are they talking about it?

You can only answer the question, having understood in yourself, and carefully thinking all over and against such a marriage . Key Moment In any case, your attitude to a partner and The intentions with which marriage is .

The impetus for marriage for the calculation for a person can act such reasons as:

Desire to have.
Fear remain alone.
The need to base the family and raising children.
Receipt of registration.
Improving financial welfare.

Marriage for the calculation should be called the Alliance of two people in which one of them material benefits puts to the place of real feelings. . A similar marriage is based on finding ideal candidates with clearly delivered requirements.

For a plurality of weak floor representatives, the ideal of a genuine man is associated directly with its capabilities to earn large money, and, as a result - create comfortable conditions for the family , Provide and maintain it.

Other ladies prefer to marry good, faithful and sustainable in their preferences; Or marry a strong and glorious guy. And it should be noted that in all expectations there is a calculation .

If we consider the real situation, in marriage with a solvent and reliable person there is nothing terrible Since quite often male social well-being means that the man has implemented himself, for which he deserves respect. Almost always the vital "failure" indicates perfectly to the opposite.

In the Union, no love of spouses do not blind fiery feelings, which speaks of their tendency to put an objective assessment with his chosen one, given all the advantages and disadvantages. First of all, marriage for the calculation is winning dealin which everyone understands that everything can be bought and sell.

Consider the positive sides of the marriage for the calculation:

Quarrels are excludedrelated to financial issues and household problems.
Excluded the risk of completion of love.
Opportunity to avoid large quarrels By mutual compliance with all agreements. See also:
Spouses do not wait for more from each other and affectionate feelings do not require mandatory loyalty.
Both spouse live in real world And do not build any illusions for yourself.

There are cases when marriage for the calculation develops into the "Love Union". Binding to each other, a strong feeling, called love begging between people. There is nothing impossible and you can try to achieve a positive result.

But, despite all the pros, marriage for the calculation have obvious deficiencies

First of all, the ideas that the calculation will not be justified can be constantly attended.
In case of violation of the conditions prescribed in the contract, the culprit remains without anything.
There is a risk of attitude towards a person as to the acquired thing.
Constantly present tough accounting and controlling friends, behavior, money, time.
The solution of all financial issues remains in the hands of a more wealthy spouse.
The mass of unpleasant emotions from intimate relationships with an unloved person.

Marriage without love is simply so. This is preceded by certain reasons, among which:

Marriage of convenience
In this case, the pretty young bride is married to the elder groom. But it is not necessary to strictly judge a woman, for her desire to live beautifully on other people's money. Although, most likely, it is not even a marriage, but some commercial market relations, when a woman simply sells himself. Fear of women in such marriages plays a huge role.
Age
All girlfriends are already married, the younger sister launch firstborn, and you do not even have a lover. In such a situation, there is a desire to marry the first thing that awesome, for the unloved, just to have time to give birth before Clemakse.
Fear not to meet his "soul mate"
The girl is not confident in herself, and is experiencing that he will never meet a man of his dreams. She doubts love, despair and marries anyone. As a result, two unfortunate people live under the same roof.

If you have something to say about the marriage for the calculation or union without love - we will be grateful for your opinion!

Refusing the illusion of perfect love, some of us are able to create a strong union vital circumstances and undisguised personal life.
Over time, in marriage, sincere feelings may occur in the same way as a romantic marriage can turn into a formal, reasonable.
For the sexual success of the Union, it is not so important what was the initial promise for its conclusion: any intimate relationship can be improved.

"We got married a Ponaroshka," says 57-year-old Yuri. - In my plans there was no "nothing like that": having survived the hardest divorce with the first wife, I just decided to help a good girl, who was needed by Moscow regulation - otherwise she was not hired to work at our institute. We have the difference in the age of 16, and many then, to put it mildly, we condemned our "mercenary relations". But we have been married for almost two decades, and today I can't even imagine what I would do in this life without Marina ... "

The official statistics on this account, of course, do not exist, but practitioners psychologists confirm: the Union "By Big Love" becomes far from the only and not the most successful form marriage relationship. What are the alternatives?

Near the absence of love

The phrase "marriage for the calculation" for many people are primarily negative literary and cinema in mind: the girl-idle comes married without love, the adventurer marries the dugushka in the hope of using her ties and money ... But is the economic component of our contemporaries in the relationship?

"Some couples enter into marriage to those who have established life circumstances," the psychotherapist Viktor Makarov states, "in spite of the lack of love and contrary to the work of a personal life." The story is not so rare: years are going, heart disappointments multiply, and the prince on a white horse or a wonderful lady as if they gave us to meet us in a life path.

We agree to the Union with the one who will be at least comfortable and calmly, as a maximum - interesting

"Then in my search for another person we often prefer the minimum community of illusory attempts to find the perfect spouse," continues Victor Makarov. We agree to the Union with the one with whom there will be at least comfortable and calmly, as a maximum - interesting. The awareness that the other can give a feeling of emotional or material comfort, for some of us enough to compensate for the absence of romantic love in a pair, and it turns out such a "marriage of comrade".

"When my youngest - the third - daughter was coming a month and a half, the husband told me that he was going," 45-year-old Lyudmila recalls pain. - What I was afraid most in the world happened to me. I can't even describe what I felt then.

My girlfriend, seeing what happened to me, once pulled me on his birthday. At the other end of the table sat Sasha. For him, it was love at first glance, and I first did not even notice him. After some time, knowing about all the circumstances, he asked my hand. As if in a dream heard, as I tell him "Yes," although the heart felt only complete devastation. There was one thought in my head: "He will help me."

Marriage soothes

The grounds for marriage for the calculation can be very different. "The uncertain person who is difficult to contact people can strive for marriage so that with the help of his partner to solve problems of communicating in Sociume," the psychologist Olga Dolgopolov explains. - another need a speedy reason to start living separately from parents ... "

And yet more often to rational marriage, those who survived the divorce of their parents, and such people today are becoming more and more, or grew up in a family where there were cold, detached relationships with the mother. "Children suffer from such an atmosphere," explains Olga Dolgopolov, "and at some point just" turn off "feelings. They adapt, learn to survive, calculate the situation and relationships with other people. "

But why make official marriage, definitely fix relationships on paper? "A registered marriage gives a feeling of stability, calm and sustainable domestic life," says Anthropologist Marina Butovskaya. "We need it because instability, the ambiguity of the future in economics and politics really grieves many of us."

But marriage registration is a purely economic factor associated with the desire to protect, protect yourself and, perhaps, children: in the event of parting or death of a partner there is hope to get material compensation, inheritance. "

In our consciousness, marriage implies respectability and reliability. "Many employers are more advantaged on the status position of a family of family," clarifies Viktor Makarov, "as it is assumed that it will be more focused on work and will not waste time on the arrangement of personal life."

And yet, first of all, the initial installation is important for us, often formed in childhood: if a person is confident that only in the family you can feel happy, he will strive for the search for his half, often moving towards emotion and guided by common sense.

Boredom or birth of feelings?

What future will expect those who are decided to enter into marriage without love? "The risk in relations not lively spark feelings is that over time, at least one of the partners can be disappointed in such a union," says Viktor Makarov. "The feeling of boredom can again push him in search of his ideal."

"I had a long love affair at work- tells 34-year-old Oksana. "These passionate relations with a married colleague completely exhausted me, so when I met Mikhail, I very quickly agreed to marry him. I reasoned like this: good flat, Flowers, gifts ... Already a year, how we live together, and he is very attentive to me. There are no financial problems between us, no disputes, but at the same time I ... desperately miss. "

Chances of a happy future from unions for love and on the mind, in fact, are equal

However, not all rational marriages ends with disappointment. After nine years life together With Alexander Lyudmila, confident in the strength of their union: "The feelings entered my life somewhere on the third year, when the first crisis should come in marriage for all classical laws. Everything happened to me exactly the opposite, and today we are both very valid by our relations. "

"It happens that after a few years of living in marriages in marriage, a real sensual relationship arise," comments Viktor Makarov. - Just as a romantic marriage over the years often becomes formal, rational. The fact is that "reasonable" partners follow each other. " They did not have a fervent passion, but they are familiar with the attachment arising from targeted steps to one goal. This is the experience that can be envied.

"The chances of a happy future for unions for love and on the mind, in essence, are equal," says Olga Dolgopolov. - And in that and in another case, partners can stay with each other together for many years, and they can and very quickly part.

The main thing in any family relationship - Take your partner as it is: to put up with something, somewhere to give up, try to be honest and open to each other. And then the relationship in a couple, as in the case of Alexander and Lyudmila, become mature, "we" are born, but at the same time it consists of two equivalent "I" - with your views, habits and a distinct voice. "

Equal chances of sexual success

In the relationships built on the arguments of the mind, feelings may arise, but will the same happen with sexual activation? Many tend to think that if marriage was preceded by passionate intimate relationships, then the sexual life of such a pair will be saturated. But many experts consider such a presentation to idealized.

"It doesn't matter what is the initial promise to conclude marriage - on harmony sex life It is not significantly reflected, - I am sure the gynecologist Elena Egorova. - After all, these two types of pairs differ only in the history of the meeting, but not a history of living together. Any sexual relations You can improve if two want to deliver each other pleasure and allow themselves to discuss how best to do it. "

Passion at first glance predisposes us for soul laziness

It turns out, "contractual" unions are even more durable than those that are lined up on the only and, as it turns out, a fragile basis of a love feeling. Is it so enough one love for family life?

"Passion at first glance predisposes us to spiritual laziness," the French psychiatrist and family psychotherapist Jacques-Antoine Malarevich is convinced. - Personalized by the unconscious impulse of their senses, partners believe that, since they fell in love with each other so much, their union is simply doomed to success. But when the passion naturally pokes, the relationship is included in the new stage of development ... and begin to break out without the only support that has still been kept. "

Affection, not love

"Do not oppose these two types of marriage," Viktor Makarov is sure, because only the balance of emotional and intellectual components makes any marriage union happy or unfortunate. " There is no successful unions for calculating without feeling, as it does not have other unions of love without common sense. This is dictated primarily by the very nature of marriage: being a form of a public contract with certain mutual obligations, it inevitably contributes to the relationship of partners a rational component.

Even those of us who are absolutely convinced that the choice was made on love, unconsciously reproduce the scheme of rational marriage. Each of us has its own idea of \u200b\u200bthe ideal family model - borrowed from parents or the opposite. If partners are compatible, their marriage will most likely be successful. If these models conflict, the married relationships can remain formal: each of two will live their lives.

"Any union that took place - according to love or on the mind - ends with deep attachment," concludes Victor Makarov. - And this final feeling is actually much fruitful and richer than the strongest passion or romantic love. "

"We have something to accumulate to convey to your children"

Marina Butovskaya, Anthropologist, Doctor of Historical Sciences

Psychologies: How did the concept of "marriage by calculation" arose?

Marina Butovskaya: Historically, this implied an agreement between two families who wanted to drain their capital and provide their descendants. The desires or senses of partners were not taken into account.

Another motive is the desire to reasonably arrange the life of your child. For example, a girl from the impoverished family married a secured elderly master. The calculation was mutual: the man attracted the youth and beauty of the girl, and for her the prospect was attractive to secure himself and their children. Everything was clearly tied to economic criteria, no one deceived anyone.

What kind of relationship is primarily - by calculation or by love?

Love marriage existed in primitive times: hunters and collectors did not have stocks, everything they had divided equally with tribesmen. Therefore, nothing that they could pass inheritance, accumulating in the family, they did not have. It turns out that the marriage for the calculation was simply not needed.

And when did the calculation?

When agricultural and cattle societies arose, where there were surplus of something that could be saved, accumulate, save and pass by inheritance. Obviously, we have something to transfer to our children to our era.