How to behave after a quarrel: basic tips. We quarrel lovingly: How to behave during a conflict in order to maintain a relationship How to behave with a husband when we quarrel

Folk wisdom is: Darlings scold - they only amuse themselves.

Indeed, what family or couple manages to avoid quarrels, even trifling ones. Skirmishes, quarrels, conflicts are the companions of our life, whether it is family, work, the situation on the roads or in transport, communication on the Internet. All this is accompanied by a large amount, the nervous system, the human psyche suffer, the risk of cardiovascular diseases increases.

Quarrels in the family

The main thing to remember in conflicts: try to avoid a quarrel and do not be the first to pour claims on your opponent. If you are dissatisfied with something, try to say it in a polite way, a well-mannered person will always understand you and the conflict will be settled. If in front of you is a person who is far from such concepts, his convictions cannot be penetrated, a quarrel is inevitable, it is important not to lose your dignity in it. You should not pour insults, be rude, yell hysterically, give only facts and arguments without emotions. And even more so without the assault!

Now let's talk how to avoid quarrels, and if they already happened, then how to get out of the situation after a quarrel in a family environment.

First you need to decide what the quarrel is all about. Although often hardly anyone thinks about it, as a rule, quarrels arise in cases of complete misunderstanding by the parties of each other, when emotions overwhelm people and there are not enough words or arguments.

Causes of quarrels in the family

Of course, there are many reasons for quarrels, and each family has its own. Rather, it is important to understand that quarrels in themselves are not so harmful, they should be accepted as normal phenomena, as well as statements of truth in relationships. This is so, if they do not bring destruction, insults, or worse, physical beatings. The causes of quarrels most often arise in the following positions:

Assert your opinion without taking into account the opinions of other family members. At the same time, disrespect for others is manifested, fervor of actions is expressed, offensive words are expressed, which often leads to lengthy quarrels.
Money. Their insufficient quantity or improper spending, inconsistency of one family member with another.
Homework. A woman has a big role in the family, so she expects help from her husband, children, parents, if they live together. In the case when you do not find support, there is a reason for quarrels.
Jealousy. Often the cause of jealousy is mistrust between spouses. Therefore, it is important from the first days not to allow yourself relationships that can be interpreted as unacceptable. Give no reason, and there will be no jealousy.
Bad habits, most often associated with alcoholism. When the husband is delayed at work, he leaves home to visit friends - companions, having spent a lot of time there. At the same time, family finances are spent, mistrust arises.
Intimate problems. The dissatisfaction of one or both spouses at once in sexual life leads to irritation and even nervous breakdowns,

Quarrels in the family - what to do

Quarrels between husband and wife are usually inevitable. Another thing is if two or three generations of people live in a family. Very often their interests, life positions, views and habits are radically opposite. It is important to remember that adults cannot change the habits of youth. Remember yourself more often, because you were others not so wise, economic and pragmatic.

Often, the mother-in-law is picky about the actions of the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law - to the actions of the son-in-law. This is understandable, different temporal categories, ideas, attitudes towards things collided. Learn the main thing: it is not forbidden to teach your family, but you don’t need to teach ... And remember that it’s easy to destroy relationships with nit-picking and unfriendly glances - then you don’t stick them together. Learn diplomacy, be wiser and kinder, and then there will be peace and understanding in your family!

Let's single out a few rules on how to behave during a quarrel so as not to break firewood and finish it with the least losses.

How to behave in a quarrel

Try not to be the first to start a quarrel, restrain yourself in every possible way and calmly state your claims. This, firstly, will allow the enemy to behave in the same way, and secondly, you will look appropriate and will not turn into a person choking in hysterics. Remember the rule: "Whoever screams is wrong."
When making a complaint to a partner, state your grievances and try not to talk about him in a tone: “You are always to blame ...”, “You always do everything wrong ...” use words related to you: “It’s hard and unpleasant for me when ...” “I I'm sorry to hear from you..." In the first case - you present an ultimatum, in the second - you talk about your pain, your grievances. The difference is obvious, and the reaction to your statements will be much more productive.
Respect your opponent, knowing his sore spots, never reproach or remember those facts that are purely personal for him and cause pain or suffering to him and his relatives.

Do not sort things out in the presence of children, parents and strangers. You will make peace, and those present at your quarrel will have a negative aftertaste. Especially with parents, because it is known that parents love their children with unconditional love and can be biased, which will affect their relationship with their daughter-in-law or son-in-law in the future.
It is not necessary to remember long-standing grievances during a quarrel, only say what concerns this situation, otherwise the quarrel can turn into a grandiose scandal.
Do not strive for the last word to be yours; in a quarrel, it is not victory that is important, but the result of joint decisions.
Remember what consequences a quarrel will bring to your relationship, how it will affect the attitude of the other side towards you, do not forget the main postulate: that it is more important for you to be right or to be loved. You will be rewarded for your correct behavior!

How to start reconciliation

So the quarrel happened, it's time to put up. It must be said right away that the first to take a step towards reconciliation is the one who is mentally and psychologically stronger.

Of course, first you need to calm down, analyze everything that happened, think it over and learn from what happened.
You need to start reconciliation as soon as possible, as soon as the offense subsided. Do not delay for a few days, the longer your alienation lasts, the more difficult it is to start peace.
Ask for forgiveness if you think that you are to blame for the quarrel, if you think the other side is to blame, but she does not take the first step, you take it with the words “I’m sorry that I didn’t understand you ...” or “I’m sorry that it happened ...” It is unlikely that anyone will answer such words with a refusal to the world. It is always difficult for the first to take a step, pride does not allow. But if you think about it, what does pride have to do with it when it comes to two loving people.

You don’t know how to start, you can’t say the words “I’m sorry ..” because you are less guilty of a quarrel? Then, just remember, something fun, relaxed, tell a joke, turn on your favorite music. Prepare a delicious dish loved by the other side, do something useful, good, which has long been expected of you ... Help get the quarrel out of your relationship if you think that the other half of the conflict is set for peace, but does not dare to do so.

And finally, it’s better not to bring things to a scolding, but still it’s better than accumulating resentment, pain inside oneself, the stagnation of which can lead to a breakdown and worse consequences. A quarrel should not be a reason for destruction, but for the creation of a new world between loved ones.

In conclusion, an excerpt from a poem by Nadezhda Moger, whose words are very relevant here, I think they are well known to lovers of poetry:

... ... ...

There is<сейчас>. Look into your eyes

And get into your soul

If the heart is disturbed by sadness -

Let go of the tears

Learn to forgive, understand

And listen carefully

Hurry to love

To never be late.

This is not just an inevitability, it is a blessing for relationships: even if you are convinced that you are made for each other and understand your loved one perfectly, each of you is a separate person with a unique set of chromosomes, a one-of-a-kind character and temperament and life experience. It is the differences, not the similarities, that we usually fall in love with - and it is the differences that cause our disputes. We figure out how to learn how to quarrel properly in order to turn each conflict into a useful lesson in mutual understanding and a way to get to know each other better.

1. Discuss the problem, not the person

No matter how offended you are with your loved one, try not to generalize or throw accusations - instead, turn to the situation itself and tell how you feel about it. Compare how different the phrases sound: “You never remember what is important to me! You don’t give a damn about my feelings and our relationship!” - and “I am very sad that you forgot about our wedding anniversary. This is a very important day for me and I really hoped that you would remember about it. We are talking about the same thing, but in the second version there is more sincerity and much less accusations - which means more chances to be heard.

2. Listen

Sometimes, in the heat of a quarrel, we do not notice how a constructive dialogue turns into a skirmish between two people who are unable to hear each other, each of whom is eager to express everything that is “boiling”. Try during the next conflict to choose the tactics of the listener - give your loved one the opportunity to speak out, while really trying to understand and hear him. In this case, the habit of asking again is useful: “Did I understand correctly that ...” - only you need to do this sincerely, without bile and sarcasm. Such a simple technique may surprise you with its result: sometimes it turns out that the reason for constant quarrels is simply the desire to be heard.

3. Leave past fights in the past.

In the comedy What Men Talk About, one of the characters declares that he will never have a reason to divorce his wife - and all thanks to her "lightness" and her unique ability to forget about quarrels and troubles. Talent is really rare - much more common is the habit of using each conflict as an excuse to remember all of your beloved's wrongdoings, from the trash can that was not carried out the day before to last year's flirting at a corporate party. Unspoken grievances tend to slowly but surely undermine relationships - which means you should learn to deal with them in a timely manner and not create a “piggy bank of claims” that provoke quarrels.

4. Don't abuse ultimatums

“Either we start helping me around the house, or I quit my job!”, “Either we get married right now, or we break up!”, “Or your friends - or me!” - if you often throw such statements, then keep in mind that ultimatums are not only ineffective, but also very insidious: they are appropriate only in rare, extreme cases, and resorting to them all the time, you risk seriously spoiling your relationship with your loved one - not a single man I don't like being manipulated.

5. Don't raise your voice

If you are an emotional person, this advice may seem difficult for you - for some, a quarrel, by definition, is impossible without a conversation in raised tones and a couple of broken plates. It’s just that it’s much more difficult to hear each other in this case - it’s not in vain that they say that “a quiet voice is heard far away.” Even if your lover now and then breaks into a cry, do not succumb to his example - where is it better to take a break, give each other the opportunity to take a breath (for example, go for a walk alone) and later calmly continue the conversation.

6. Don't try to be right all the time.

Sometimes the best thing you can do to resolve a conflict is not to seek out another batch of arguments, but to give in. If the argument has reached a dead end and turned into a pointless skirmish, a simple “Yes, you are probably right” will save a lot of effort, time and nerves. By giving up the desire to win every debate, you will eventually win in the main, preserving the relationship: it’s not for nothing that they say that it’s not the one who is happy who is right, but the one who is happy is right.

The well-known expression of the French writer A. Maurois says: "Scenes are only effective when they are rare." And this is the essence of the psychology of gender relations.

Being in such a pleasant stage of inspiration for all lovers, we most often think that here he is, the ideal man, with whom there is simply nothing to quarrel with.

But, believe me, even ideal relationships become insipid over time. And women sometimes decide to spice them up with a quarrel with their beloved. At first, these "peppercorns" pass with a bang and lead to a very tempting reconciling sex. But over time, swearing becomes the norm. The avalanche of mutual reproaches and dissatisfaction is gaining momentum every day and one day it blows everything in its path, including the last feelings.

And only then the bright thought comes into our woman's head that the daily "pilezhka", even if on business, does not lead to anything good and, even more so, does not add spice to the relationship. So how do you learn to slow down and prevent skidding while cornering? The site site presents you with a short course of "driving" in especially dangerous areas of gender relations.

A quarrel with a loved one is a negative result of a showdown. Therefore, it is very important, in order to avoid deplorable and bloody consequences, to learn how to behave correctly during a quarrel with a man.

A fight usually has three stages. The first is the moment when the quarrel is not yet happening in reality, but is only brewing in your head. The second is the process itself. And the last stage we will give the name "post factum".

As they say, a fire is easier to prevent than to put out. Analyze who is most often the initiator of the conflict? If it is you who, as a rule, kindle a war (albeit on merit), then it is you who have a chance to prevent it. Even just not taken out garbage can become a red rag that turns you into an angry bull.

Instead of making a scandal, endure it yourself. If you come across this ill-fated garbage bag, your eyes will become bloodshot and ... Stop! Instead of arguing, poking a garbage bag in the nose of your husband, like a naughty kitten, take out the bag yourself. Believe me, it's much easier to walk 10 meters to the garbage chute than to paint over gray hair later.

We pass to the second stage: a quarrel with a loved one has already erupted. And here the most important thing is to learn to control your words! Under no circumstances allow yourself to humiliate your man. Even if you are ready to tear and throw in a rage.

It’s better to break a plate than to somehow touch on the issue of his male insolvency (appearance, character, salary) or compare him with the husbands of his girlfriends or, worse, with his ex-men. By doing this, consider that you are signing the death warrant for your relationship. Read the site and you will understand a lot.

As you know, men are terribly intolerant of high-frequency sounds, so try to remain calm and not raise your voice, even if your opponent provokes you. Shouting may win the fight, but it will make the war worse.

Reasoned evidence is much more effective. If the spouse starts shouting, in response, say that the conversation will take place only in calm tones.

Silence is not always golden. By choosing the tactics of contemptuous silence, you run the risk of ending the conversation without even starting it.

And last but not least, the rule of communication during a conflict with your man: do not sort things out in public. It is better to do it in private, so to speak, without prying ears. Let there be no witnesses. Men during public scandals feel humiliated and angry even more.

Expressing your reproaches, be sure to listen to the discontent of your man. Even if he doesn't say them, ask yourself. Be sure to ask how your spouse sees a way out of this situation. Try to always go forward. And then many quarrels with her husband can be avoided.

And finally, what to do after the fact.

If you still failed to resolve the conflict peacefully, and the result of the quarrel is disappointing, then reconciliation becomes a new task. And most importantly, that it is worthy. It doesn’t matter at all who initiated the quarrel, it is important that the conflict cannot be dragged out, otherwise the quarrel can turn into parting.

Women, as practice shows, more often take a step towards reconciliation first. But, sometimes, even at this stage they make a fatal mistake, which can give rise to a new conflict or ignite the old one more than before, because they don’t know how to behave during a quarrel with a man. Remember, it’s worth approaching or calling only when you feel confident that you have calmed down. If the quarrel was your fault, you should not fall on your knees, beat your head on the floor, sob and shout about how you repent, confidently and calmly say that you admit your wrong and voice its essence. Well, be sure to promise that you will not make such a mistake again.

In every couple, sooner or later, the first conflict occurs, which shows the hidden qualities of both partners. But a wise woman knows how best to behave after another quarrel with her beloved man so that the conflict does not escalate into a cold war. It is necessary to find out the possible causes of scandals and develop appropriate tactics of behavior, taking into account the peculiarities of male psychology.

A scandal in a young family can break out because of any little thing. But the cause of the conflict often lies much deeper. Possible reasons for a quarrel:

It seems to a woman that a man is inattentive to her: he does not notice a new manicure, hairstyle, dress or her weight loss. But this behavior is typical of many young people. They can notice any little thing about their car, but minor changes in the image of the woman they love are likely to be missed.
Life is to blame in a quarrel with a man. If the spouse does everything around the house herself, and the husband does not help her in any way, then resentment will gradually accumulate in her soul, which at a fine moment will pour out, sparing no one around. The husband may also be dissatisfied with the way the wife handles her household chores or her child-rearing practices.
different priorities. Often, passionate love leads to a hasty marriage. When feelings cool down a bit, people notice that the second half has completely different tastes, needs, outlook on life and priorities. On this basis, misunderstandings and conflicts arise.
housing problems. The protracted problem with the acquisition of housing, the frequent change of rented apartments, the constant lack of money lead to scandals. A woman lacks stability and confidence in the future, and a man suffers from the fact that he cannot properly provide for his family.
Flirting and jealousy. Lacking love, care, sexual satisfaction in the family, the spouses seek to make up for this on the side, flirting with the opposite sex. Such a situation is unlikely to suit the second half, in whose soul jealousy will arise, inevitably leading to quarrels.

Question to the psychologist:

Good day! I am currently in a relationship with a man 45 years old, I am 37, in which I do not understand his attitude towards me. Duration about half a year. He writes every day, periodically calls, meetings once a week. After each meeting, he says thank you for a wonderful evening, etc. It is embarrassing in a relationship that there is little intimacy, once a month, to the question Why? He replies, we don’t say goodbye, we’ll still have time. By nature, he is rude, never compliments, does not introduce friends. In these relationships, I feel uncomfortable, I want more communication and meetings, I can’t wait for his invitation to a meeting, sometimes I do it myself. I constantly look online if he is, if so, why doesn’t he write, although I understand that he can’t be in touch with me all 24 hours a day.

Yesterday there was a slight misunderstanding (he has 2 phone numbers, on one, as I think, he blocked me, according to him he does not use it, but yesterday, when filling out the documents, he asked me to indicate this phone number, to which I replied "And yet you blocked"), I wrote without thinking, to which he reacted sharply, I began to call, I did not pick up the phone. He wrote what nonsense, I'm in touch, I communicate with you, what's the difference on what number. He accused me of making things up.

She asked for forgiveness, to which he said "No problem! Everything is fine!". But I doubt it, it seems that today he writes messages more coldly, without using emoticons, he answered the invitation to take a walk that he was invited by a friend to visit. We'll write later.

How to remove the feeling of guilt, how to understand these relationships and how to behave now?

The psychologist Elena Valentinovna Filatova answers the question.

Good afternoon, Irina!

You are too emotionally involved in this situation. And, perhaps, therefore, indeed, you “think out” and think up non-existent things.

I didn't understand the feeling of guilt. Who and what are you guilty of? From your message, I only understood that you apologized for writing about blocking your number without thinking .... Did you apologize? Okay. Better yet, ask forgiveness from yourself, your beloved, for humiliating the Woman in yourself, trying to control the Man. Take care of yourself, not them. Take an interest in yourself. And stop forcing yourself on him. Yes, dear Irina, your behavior is called that: tracking whether he is online and taking the initiative in terms of meetings, claims about "why sex is so rare" - that's it. It just turns out that you need this relationship more than he does. The Man should be active, the Woman should not take his place. This will only push him away from you. No offense please. After all, you turned to a specialist for a sober assessment of the situation and a view from an uninvolved observer.

I can assume that you quickly drove yourself into a co-dependent relationship. It will destroy you, you can lose yourself. Therefore, as soon as possible, you need to get rid of codependency with a partner (or with a specialist, which is desirable, or on your own according to the description on the Internet using Atkinson technology).

You ask "how to behave now"? Dear Irina, WORTHY, respectful to yourself, first of all. Work with feminine energy practices to develop your femininity and sensuality. Distract yourself from negative thoughts by any means: hobbies, work, travel, girlfriends. restaurants, sports, yoga. The attention of other men is also not forbidden! Feel valued and maintain a healthy distance from your partner. Then look. how he will begin to behave and whether you yourself will need this relationship. He is not the last man on earth!