The most compelling excuses not to go to work! How to learn to say "no". Trouble-free tips How not to be led by a man

Please help me figure out the following. When communicating with others, I noticed that I adopt certain manners or patterns of behavior, desires that are not typical of me begin to spin in my head, which I most often consider to be mine. Sometimes the power of desire is so great that before one’s eyes there is only a “pleasant” mode of action - the satisfaction of desire. At the same time, I forget about my moral principles, and if I remember, then the desire can no longer be stopped. As a result, I am carried, and I satisfy this desire. Often, I do not even feel pleasure or satisfaction in the realization of such a desire, because at this moment thoughts are spinning - justifications why it is better not to satisfy this desire.

What to do in such cases, so as not to be led by desires and not to overstep your morality?

A very good question, and a very difficult one. This is perhaps the most difficult, or rather, the most difficult question of all spiritual search and spiritual asceticism. In order to get a full answer to it, you will have to try a lot and practice in different types of practice, and also learn along the way.

Why is it so? Yes, because the answer to this question is simple in itself - do what you feel is necessary right now, and then there will be no problems with what to do, how, and why. But what does that mean? And how to achieve this? After all, if it were so easy to do, then there would be no questions about it. We all know that it is not always easy to follow what you have decided, for example, what is in line with your morality. This is where the questions begin - how to be? What to do? Where to begin?

In my opinion, the first thing to start with is to be patient, and more specifically, to learn to be patient, because it won’t work right away, and if it does, it’s far from always. And after successes, failures will surely follow, which, each time, will seem harder and harder, and the difficulties are becoming more and more insurmountable.

The next thing you need to learn and master well is the ability to keep your attention on one thing, on what is important to you now. To do this, you need to be able to clearly define - what is most important for you, or important, at the moment, and what is important for you in general always. For example: if it is important for you to follow desires and get high from them, then you follow them and get high. If it is important for you to follow certain principles and principles, then you refrain from any actions or desires and follow these principles and principles. If it is important for you to keep your attention constantly in the vision, regardless of what is seen and what is experienced, then you keep your attention in it. If it is important for you to constantly be in contemplation of the Source of all that is, then you keep your attention in this contemplation.

The next thing to learn is abstinence! Without this, it is impossible to achieve higher understanding. Abstinence is perhaps the most difficult thing of all existing things, or phenomena of consciousness. Here it is important to accumulate the practice of keeping your attention on what is important for you not only now, but in general, and the ability to direct your actions solely to achieve this. In other words, all your actions must be arranged in a certain order, and directed only towards achieving the most important thing for you, towards achieving the highest goal. And this main goal must always be kept in mind. Here a certain complexity arises, and this complexity is the PURPOSE!

The fact is that the goal is always an image, and an image cannot be achieved, it can only be embodied. And this is a very important understanding! For the most part, people strive to achieve goals, not seeing that the goal is always an image, and the image cannot be achieved, this is a mirage. The image can only be embodied, that is why it exists. It can be embodied in actions or in sensations (experiences). What does it mean? This means that we embody some images in the form of bodily actions, and some we experience as sensations based on imagination. This is a very important distinction! You need to be able to see and notice it - how, when and why there is a division of incarnations into actually performed and imaginary ones. It is important to clearly understand that the goal does not need to be achieved, it needs to be implemented!!! A goal is not something to strive for, but something to be done! This is a problem to be solved, not a ready-made answer to be taken and used for something in the future.

The next understanding that must be learned about the goal is that the goal cannot be set for oneself, it itself arises in us. It arises in us as a task that we must solve and embody through our organism, which is an instrument for this incarnation. Absolutely all goals and objectives are set and created, before people and other living beings, not by man, but by Nature. And even She does not put them and does not create them. They themselves arise in It as needed, in the form in which it is necessary, in certain cases and conditions of its manifestations. Man, being one of the phenomena of Nature, perceives this necessity and embodies it by all available means, attributing the entire process of incarnation to himself personally. And even this attribution itself is the same phenomenon of Nature, like all the others, in no way dependent on man. Only not seeing the existing reality (not seeing the entire volume of actions existing in nature, including the activity of a given creature) creates in the human mind a misunderstanding of what is and how it is. This misunderstanding is the basis of all, without exception, misunderstandings that arise in a person.

Since the mind or consciousness of a person is both a receiver and a repeater of images arising in the Unified Consciousness, a phenomenon very often occurs when the mind or consciousness of one person catches and perceives the goal that is in the mind or consciousness of another person. There is a feeling that this is your goal, this is your desire, this is what you need. Usually they say about such a phenomenon as follows: a person was at the mercy of someone else's goal (or idea), or at the mercy of someone else's influence, or was fascinated, etc.

Almost everyone can feel the so-called “foreign” goals and desires in themselves, but not everyone is captivated and embraced by them. Usually, weak-willed people who have a weakly developed strength of their own desires, aspirations and beliefs, and weak-hearted people who have a poorly developed sense of the presence of their own spiritual component, fall under the power of other people's desires and goals.

Perhaps, all people, in certain periods of life, in certain cases, turned out to be weak-willed or weak-hearted, but some, seeing in themselves manifestations of weakness or weakness, made certain efforts aimed at freeing themselves from the influence of these qualities and achieved success. For example, the famous Russian natural healer (a healer who uses the forces of nature in healing practice) Porfiry Ivanov often drank heavily in his youth and was therefore considered a weak-willed person. But one day, tired of the suffering that arises to a large extent from alcohol, and realizing the perniciousness of this addiction, he forever abandoned it and engaged in natural healing, thus strengthening the body and spirit. And despite all the hardships and hardships that he had to endure, until the end of his days he remained a strong and spiritually adamant person, and therefore in the memory of people he is one of the examples of spiritual strength and inflexibility. But there were also those who, being under the power of weak will and weak-heartedness, without doing anything, remained in their captivity until their death, periodically suffering from this vice. Of course, everything is the Will of God, but this Will is manifested through each of us. Efforts, which are efforts aimed at achieving the desired, are not in vain and are always rewarded.

Here is what the Bible says about this:

"The kingdom of heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it by surprise." [Gospel of Matthew 11:12]

"The Kingdom of God is preached, and everyone enters it by force." [Gospel of Luke 16:16].

Returning to the topic - how not to be led by desires? - we apply everything that has been said above: we stock up on patience, we try as soon as we can, we try, we learn, and we try further! This is the main thing that will be required on this path. Then the practice begins, and in the course of its implementation, specific questions will arise. And when they arise, then we will analyze them. For now, as an initial answer, this is quite enough. What follows is your individual practice and practical questions. Good luck!!!

Few there will be people who are completely indifferent to the praise and opinion of other people about them. We want to be liked by others, we want to be well spoken of, and this is, in principle, natural, but if such a desire becomes too significant, this is already a disadvantage called vanity.

Often it is what makes us strive to buy more expensive clothes, a newer car, get promotions and become good family men. We need to be recognized by others. And when someone somewhere called us beautiful and prosperous, we feel that we have been highly appreciated, we begin to be proud of ourselves.

But don't you think that chase Behind the positive reviews of other people, you lose your true opinion of yourself and your values ​​and priorities, becoming dependent on what they say about you. You live not for yourself, but for others to appreciate you.

Where does vanity come from

As a rule, people with low self-esteem are prone to this deficiency. They are not confident in themselves, and therefore they want to receive confirmation of their significance. Perhaps in childhood they were not praised enough, made comments, compared with other children who study better or behave. As a result, the child developed the habit of living with an eye to what people say. They are accustomed to comparing their achievements with the success of their friends. And such comparisons often provoke envy.

Protective Measures

So, if you notice such a shortcoming in yourself, start fighting with it, otherwise it will continue to poison your life, forcing you to strive for what you really don’t need.

More talk with you about your self-esteem. Learn to evaluate yourself according to generally accepted standards of morality and in comparison with yourself. You were rude to someone for no reason - you can criticize yourself a little, although it is much better not only to engage in criticism, but also to draw conclusions for the future in order to avoid mistakes.

Compare yourself only with yourself: yesterday you were able to do 25 push-ups, and today only 15 - yesterday you were definitely in better shape. That year you earned an award, but this year you relaxed and "ruined" the report. In a word, take into account only your achievements and failures, do "work on mistakes" and set new benchmarks.

Do not forget to praise yourself even for trifling successes: we managed to take a taxi - well done, we didn’t forget to buy everything we wanted - clever, we prepared a delicious dinner - just class! Such compliments to yourself after a while will make you feel more confident and independent.

Have your measurements and priorities. For example, you want to be praised for a delicious dinner, and in your opinion it really turned out great, but your loved ones are silent, and you start to worry. Do not rush to disappointment: what is highly valued by you does not necessarily receive high scores from others. You may be in awe of sour sauces and zucchini, while your loved ones are more into sweet sauce and spaghetti. So it is in many other things: "There are no comrades for the taste and color," - tell yourself this saying more often. That is why you should not constantly expect and expect praise from someone. Learn to do something not for the laudatory hymns of others, but for your own approving reviews. You are delighted with your cooked zucchini - so cook them and praise yourself.

Are you used to to measure your life by someone's standards. “I’ll buy a car like a neighbor’s” or “a phone like a colleague’s and I’ll consider myself successful”. And if you look into the merits, then why didn’t you think about these purchases before? Yes, because, in fact, you are quite satisfied with both your mobile phone and your "ten". That is, you are simply afraid to fall behind, afraid to look worse than others, afraid that they will not say about you: "She has the latest phone model and a cool car, and she has earned all this herself!" It's time to stop depending on someone else's opinion or on your weaknesses. Yes, let a colleague have at least ten new phones, maybe she needs it, but is it worth it for you to stay at work after hours to earn money for such a model or spend the amount you already have on a mobile you don’t need, instead of spending it on entertainment or shopping new shoes. And there is no need to be afraid that you may be considered unsecured or backward from fashion trends. You can also say that they sit in the office at night and spend money on anything, just to show off in front of each other, and you use your free time to relax and buy what you really need or want.
Connect with people who share this point of view. Learn to recognize the merits of others and sincerely praise.

It is not uncommon to hear how women accuse men of selfishness, and girls - guys. But we ourselves, solely by our behavior, make men complete egoists! It's just that we often don't even think about it. Psychologist Olga Mshanskaya tells about what needs to be done so that such a deplorable situation does not develop in your relationship.

If you met a kind, generous, caring and attentive man, then he is unlikely to be such by nature, the expert believes. - Rather, someone has already "worked" on him before you - his mother or other women. But even such a man can be spoiled if you put his well-being in the first place.

First, learn to tell a man about your desires and interests.

Very often, girls go on about the guys, fearing a break in relations. This is the wrong tactic.. Do you want only his interests to continue to be respected? Do you want him to switch the TV to football every time your favorite series is shown, or do you go hiking in the mountains every summer when you dream of a beach holiday?

- Tell the guy exactly what you want and don't want, - the psychologist advises. - Offer a reasonable compromise: say, today we watch football, tomorrow - a soap opera, or buy a second TV, we go on vacation where there are mountains and a beach, and so on.

Teach a man, a guy to ask you what you want.

If a guy suggests a program that you don't like - say, go to the horse races, and you want to go to an art exhibition, then tell him directly that you are not interested in horse racing. If in a cafe he tries to make an order for you at his own discretion, or forces you on dishes that you don’t like at all, but to his taste, have the courage to ask him to make another order.

In bed, too, do not hesitate to express your desires.

Have the courage to explain to the man what needs to be done to make you comfortable. Otherwise, what's the point of having sex at all if at least one of the parties does not get the proper pleasure?

State your preferences and about vital issues.

Let's say your boyfriend thinks you shouldn't work and you want to build a career.

Tell him: “I want to pursue a career because it is interesting to me, because I want to be realized in this life not only as a wife and mother, and without work my life will be incomplete,” recommends Olga Mshanskaya.

You should also act if the guy expresses his wishes about your appearance, daily routine, your circle of friends, hobbies, and so on. But your arguments "against" must be constructive.

If you say: “I want and I will do it, and I don’t give a damn about your opinion!” - this is nothing more than a step towards ending the relationship, says the psychologist. - If you are together, you must consider his opinion. But you need to tell him that if you do what he wants, you will feel uncomfortable and not happy. If possible, try to find some compromise options that will suit both.

And in what cases should the thought of “cure” guys from selfishness be abandoned?

For example, if in almost all situations a man puts himself in the first place and talks only about himself, not at all interested in you and your feelings.

Let's say he calls you and instead of asking how you are doing, he starts complaining about life or asks if you can meet to have sex.

Or if a guy neglects your comfort - he chooses a more convenient place in the cinema or a cafe, but leaves you less convenient, makes you do something if you are sick, chooses a place and time for a meeting, regardless of how convenient it is for you personally, etc.

It is worth refusing to communicate with a man if your wishes, no matter what they are expressed, are ignored, and if instead of trying to agree amicably, the man starts to put pressure on you, ridicule your opinion and go into conflict. You can't fix such an authoritarian personality.

In most cases, men behave selfishly only because they do not think about the need to take into account the interests of girls, - says psychologist Olga Mshanskaya. - And if you learn to defend your own interests, then your relationship can develop quite successfully.

How to learn to say "no", because there are situations when the request of another person goes against our wishes. Many people probably know this picture: we are asked for something and it is hard for us to refuse this to other people. Moreover, the most interesting thing is that it is even more difficult to say “no” to close people than to strangers - and they use it.

It can be relatives or friends - the most important thing is that people often do not know how it is, you can refuse a loved one. At the same time, if we follow this person’s lead, we don’t feel very good - some kind of disappointment, self-doubt arises inside, self-esteem drops - after all, we did it contrary to ourselves, our desires. And if we refuse, then the thought immediately arises, what will this person think and suddenly he will be offended, etc.

How to act in such situations? How to learn to say no? while maintaining a healthy relationship. This is a rather complex question and there is no single answer to it. In addition, in each specific situation, you can act differently. One of the main, in my opinion, here is such a quality as - self confidence. This is a very important quality necessary to achieve any goal, at the same time it is underestimated. I will not dwell on this topic in detail, since this is not the subject of this article. However, I will dwell on those related points that affect this issue.

So, self-confidence is a quality that ensures the achievement of your goals without humiliating other people. You can also say that self-confidence is, first of all, accepting yourself (your qualities, your appearance, your desires, goals, etc.) as you are.

It follows that each person is self-sufficient and can be held responsible for their actions. If this is applied in the question of interest to us, then it turns out that each person can and has the right to seeks to realize their goals or desires, if it does not humiliate other people, that is, there is nothing shameful in this if we do not want (can not) do something that goes against our understanding and desires. In general, every person has the right to do what he wants, and not to do what he does not want.

And in order to maintain a good relationship with this person, it is best to simply, directly and openly say the reason why you do not want to do this (cannot). If necessary, defend your position. This will force him to take into account your interests, while not spoiling the relationship between you. For example, your friend (girlfriend) invites you to a cafe, but you do not want (can not) go there for various reasons.

And say it directly, for example, I don’t feel well, or I’m busy right now - I’m preparing for exams, I don’t want to go, etc.
If this concerns friends or acquaintances, and you are afraid that in case of refusal they may be offended and break off relations with you, then you should think about your authority and how much you need such friends who do not take into account your opinion and because of such little things ready to break friendship? - but in fact, these are just your thoughts and unreasonable fears - of how your acquaintances will react - Just tell them "no" and make sure they take it adequately.

Now, we can stop at such an illusory (erroneous) idea that we are dependent on other people and must do what other people tell us. The opposite of such a quality as dependence on other people is self-sufficiency. What is primarily expressed in the idea that each person is initially self-sufficient and is able to determine for himself what needs to be done and what not, and at the same time not depend on the opinions of other people.

If we transfer this statement to our topic, then it turns out: that we are not obliged to follow the lead of others, even the closest people, if we do not want to, because we are self-sufficient and can fully evaluate our actions and bear responsibility for them.

Another required quality is persistence, that is, the ability to overcome obstacles that we may encounter on the way to achieving the goal. Stand up for your interests! You can give the same example when a friend (girlfriend) calls you and invites you to a cafe, but you don’t want to go and tell him directly about it (as previously mentioned). He starts to persuade you, giving different arguments. The further development of the situation depends on how much you know how to insist on your own, that is, to be persistent. This is the subject of another discussion, but one piece of advice can be made. It lies in the fact that, by and large, persistence is the repetition of the claims made, one's position over and over again, until the other person accepts it.

If in the end, to try to draw a conclusion, then it must be said that this is not at all a simple skill that is easy to learn, however, with a declared desire and perhaps, even, first of all, practice, you can gradually develop it, while solving life's problems and thanks to this skill, you can achieve new goals and fulfill your new desires. Just show your will, say “no” and enjoy the positive emotions of improving your self-esteem, as a result of defending your position.

Related information

The most important mistake that parents follow their children, namely, children manipulate their parents, is the late recognition of this problem. It is important in early childhood to make it clear to the child that nothing can be achieved through tantrums and tears. You need to be able to negotiate and follow your words.

When a child is very small, he does not know how to attract his attention in any way except by crying, it is natural that parents will do anything to calm their child. But when a child at a conscious age uses the same methods, and parents unquestioningly fulfill the wishes of the child so that he calms down, this can lead to sad consequences.

The biggest mistake parents make is when they give up first. If the child once achieved his goal with screams and tantrums, he will know that such a method works and will do it systematically. Any parent should control the situation and not bring the child to such a state. Of course, in crowded places it is very difficult to resist when dozens of passers-by look at a crying child. Mom looks like a tyrant who does not give something to her child and eventually gives up, does what the child wants in order to remove prying eyes from herself.

You must always trust your child and speak with him on an equal footing. You need to learn to explain and seek compromises, you need to be able to distract, interest the child, but not lead to hysteria. Mom should calmly and measuredly explain that she will give the child what he requires, but only under any conditions. For example, a kid really wants to watch cartoons, and he is ready to do it around the clock. When the mother goes to the TV to turn it off, the child starts to get hysterical. In this case, the mother should negotiate on the shore. You can watch cartoons until dinner is ready, or until dad comes home from work. Children at preschool age have little time orientation. And if you tell them that you can only watch a cartoon for half an hour - this is the same as saying nothing. It is necessary to indicate the time frame so that the child understands.

If the parent has realized that the child has been manipulating him for a long time, irritation, resentment, and a desire to punish his child can serve as a natural reaction. Very often, the mother simply begins to not react, namely, to ignore her child, who is rolling in hysterics. The child may regard this behavior as indifference to him. A child can withdraw into himself, begin to think that he is not loved and does not want to understand.

In order not to go to extremes, parents should clearly distinguish between “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “bad”. Children need specifics. You don't have to deviate from your principles. It can't be that today you can eat harmful chips. Discipline and constancy are needed first of all by parents, and then by children. If the parent made a mistake, he must accept it and admit it. Then the child will admit and correct his mistakes.