Four steps. How to restore trust in a relationship? Reanimating trust in a relationship

I was recently asked how to regain trust loved one... I was about to answer ... and thought.

The very formulation of the question - "to restore trust" is doubtful. Trust is not something that is given, taken, or returned. This is the property of contact between two people, and it is born in the process of communication. If a person trusts a stranger from the beginning, then something is wrong with his way of interacting with environment... The new and the unknown carries a threat, and it is reasonable to take a closer look first. Trust can be issued "on credit", but in such cases the risk is usually that it is not scary to lose.

The usual context for conversations about lost trust- relationships between friends and lovers. In such a relationship, there are a number of tacit agreements: to be faithful, to keep your word, not to harm a friend or loved one. But beyond the universal principles, the unspoken requirements can be unique - and quite distinctive.

One girl, referring to her boyfriend's "devoted trust", pointed out as an example of betrayal that he was dancing with another. But no one told him that he signed an agreement "to dance only with his girlfriend." There are a lot of such cases, so it makes sense to clarify: does the partner know about the expectations, compliance with which he is obliged to meet?

But let's dwell on the most common cases of "betrayed trust" in the relationship of a couple: betrayal, lies, failure to fulfill promises. How to regain your partner's trust if it comes about a mistake, and not about a sequential breakdown of the relationship?

Forgiveness doesn't fix the situation. It does not undo pain and does not restore trust.

The wrong way is to try to get forgiveness. In this scenario, there are two roles: the criminal and the judge, who is also the prosecutor. The offender has already been convicted and can only bribe the judge in order to mitigate or cancel the sentence. Likewise, the “redeeming” partner is essentially trying to bribe the other. In this situation, there is a lot of latent anger on the part of the guilty and open - on the part of the one from whom they are trying to get forgiveness.

But forgiveness doesn't fix the situation. It does not undo the pain inflicted and does not restore trust. Nor will it be possible to "earn trust again." Here again there are two disequilibrium roles: the aspirant for mercy and the one who condescendingly evaluates his efforts. "Trying little!" - advantageous position, allowing you to squeeze as much as possible out of the current situation.

Trust cannot be restored if only one is involved, and the other is in the role of a judge or a sovereign seated on a throne. On the part of the "deceived" - a wave of sadistic aggression, a desire to trample the one who stumbled. On the part of the "traitor" - anger, growing as one after another fails attempts to regain trust.

In this situation, forgiveness or "newly earned trust" is a fiction, and it becomes obvious when the offender is reminded of his past sins, knowing exactly where his pain point is. The feeling of one's own “innocence” and “sinfulness” of another destroys any relationship and nullifies any dialogue.

Restoring trust is a reciprocal process. If both partners strive to restore it, then this is possible. Not "how to get your trust back", but "what should we do with our relationship in which trust has been lost." And here the quality is important, which arises only with mutual movement towards each other: sincerity.

The healing power is possessed by genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, in the willingness to change your point of view.

It is possible to speak sincerely about your pain from the fact that you caused suffering to a loved one only when, on the contrary, there is not a judge or a ruler, but a similar suffering person. Openness to someone else's experience allows you to feel its sincerity, and avoiding the conversation in accusations or self-flagellation blocks sensitivity.

Trust cannot be earned, it can only be born again: through the contact of two open, naked consciousnesses, when you feel - there is no subtext, there is no second bottom behind this experience. You can only feel it with your heart - but you can “forgive” with your head as much as you like.

What's next? Talk about your relationship, about explicit and implicit agreements in them, about what can be changed. The contact of two people has a healing power - a genuine contact, manifested in dialogue, in a willingness to change your point of view, and not to convince the interlocutor or force him to do what you want.

Almost every person has a situation in life when he loses the trust of a loved one (husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend). The reasons for the loss of trust can be different. Some people are able to easily forgive even betrayal, and some will never forgive even a "harmless" lie. And even very strong feelings of love and affection cannot change the principles of such people. Lost trust of a loved one can be restored by listening to the advice of psychologists.

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Causes of mistrust

In a relationship between a man and a woman, the worst thing is the loss of trust. After one partner loses trust, the relationship dies. This may be due to the following factors:

• Treason. It can be both physical and emotional. And it’s impossible to understand what’s worse. Cheating is the most common cause of loss of trust between partners. Not everyone can forgive treason. Even very strong feelings cannot guarantee that the relationship will return to its former course.
• Betrayal. It is also one of the terrible disappointments in a loved one. The worst thing is to get stabbed in the back, which you don't expect at all.
• Broken promises. It is necessary to make promises to a loved one only if there is confidence that you will keep them. If there is no such confidence, then you do not need to give them at all. Broken promises will not strengthen the relationship, but only destroy it.
• Lie. Every person has lied at least once in their life. But when in a relationship this happens all the time, then there is no need to talk about trust. The constant lie of one of the partners makes you live in tension and expectation of the next portion of lies.

How to get a loved one back

Barriers to Trust Return

It is very easy to stop believing a loved one, but the return process is very difficult and lengthy. The following may interfere with regaining the former faith:

• Anger and negative attitude towards the partner.
• The desire to take revenge, to hurt the delinquent.
• Silence, refusal to communicate.
• Emotionality.
• Unwillingness to understand or forgive the offender.
• Wrong behavior of the guilty person.
• Repeated occurrences of what is happening.
• Tense relationship.



How to learn to trust a man

Analysis of the situation

Before proceeding with the return of lost trust, the guilty person needs to analyze the current situation and understand:

• how important it is to regain lost trust;
• whether the person whose trust has been lost is important;
• are the person ready for hard work in order to regain their former faith;
• what act became the culprit of the current situation.

Having answered these questions, the guilty person will draw conclusions and understand whether he is ready to fight for the return of his former trust.



Loyalty and treason

What to do?

It is impossible to live with shaken faith in your life partner. In order for the relationship to be normal, trust and understanding must reign in them. If people live together without faith, then there is no harmony and mutual understanding in their relationship. Everyone has their own scenario for their future life. Such couples in public may not show that they have any problems. But they themselves are hardly satisfied with this.

Restoring trust in a relationship is very difficult. The efforts of one of the partners are not enough. Both men and women need to work hard to regain faith. In order to return the former attitude of a spouse or spouse, you need to spend a lot of time and effort.

Psychologists' advice:

• The guilty one needs to admit his mistake. Sincerely ask for forgiveness and not try to shift the responsibility for what you have done to other shoulders.
• A person who has lost the trust of a loved one should definitely talk to the victim. Try to explain the reason for the perfect act.
• Listen to a person who has lost confidence. It should be noted that this can be overly emotional.
• It is necessary to give the victim time to think about the situation and to make the right decision.

The guilty person should not engage in self-flagellation! Even if it was not possible to improve relations with a partner, he must forgive himself!

Guilty behavior

In order to earn forgiveness and restore the old trust between partners, you must adhere to the correct model of behavior. It is important to realize that long time a loved one will check, mistrust and suspect.

The person who has lost confidence needs to be prepared for reproaches from the victim. The victim, in a fit of anger, is able to say unpleasant things to his offender. It's important to be patient!

Important! The offender must not allow himself to be humiliated! Admitting guilt and sincere remorse has nothing to do with humiliation!

The culprit must surround his partner with affection and attention. Try to behave as if you were at the beginning of the relationship. It is worth not forgetting that the location must be won again.

Not only the shown wisdom of partners and understanding is the key to the return of past relationships. The psychology of men and women is designed in such a way that if they sincerely love, they will try to renew contact with their loved ones. Loving people are often willing to forgive a lot.

Re-education

If half of the person who has lost confidence has forgiven, then the culprit needs to do his own re-education:

• If the reason for the loss of trust is a lie, then you need to become completely honest and open person in front of your soul mate. You need to be frank even in small things. You shouldn't hide anything and try to hide it. To say everything as it is!
• If treason or jealousy is to blame for the current situation, then you need to completely reconsider the behavior. You should not give reasons for jealousy and suspicion. A loved one should always know the whereabouts of the offender. The person who has lost confidence should talk about the day spent, share plans for the future.
• If the reason for the loss of trust was betrayal, then the deceived person should see remorse for what he did and be able to forgive the guilty one. After that, you need to transfer the relationship to new level, in which both partners will be completely confident in each other.
• If unchecked promises are the cause of the current situation, then it is worth thinking ahead before giving the floor.

Nobody is immune to mistakes. But it is better to cherish and cherish the trust of a loved one than to return it later. And it is not always possible to return it.

Worried about how to regain trust? 3 best advice from a psychologist to help you.

Today we will talk about how to regain trust.

This topic is very important for me, because once my friend and I went through the stage of restoring trust after being deceived by her.

We managed to sew our friendship, and - masterly, even the seams were not visible, so I hope that my experience will be useful to you, my dear readers.

Why bother regaining trust in a relationship?

Here's how, in your opinion, what distinguishes a loved one from an ordinary acquaintance?

For me, these are the feelings that you have for your loved one (love, affection), and the trust that binds your relationship.

The process of turning a simple acquaintance into a friend or soul mate is very long.

First, you look closely at each other, then sympathy arises, sympathy develops into a stronger feeling, and only when you begin to unconditionally trust another person, he takes an honorable place in your closest circle.

If there is no trust, then what kind of intimacy can we talk about?

In my opinion, people who do not trust their boyfriend / girlfriend, husband / wife, but continue to maintain visibility good relationship are just kidding themselves.

If you initially did not have trust in the relationship, or it was lost, and the culprit did not even do anything to return it, delete this person from your life.

If the trust is lost through your fault (you cheated, lied, set up, once again did not fulfill the promise, etc.), then try with all your might to restore the trust of a loved one, otherwise you will lose it very soon.

How my friend and I glued our friendship back to trust

Back in my school years, I had a close friend, Lida.

We were really good friends and shared all the secrets.

At the same time, I was dating a handsome, but oh-oh-oh-very narcissistic boy.

He was well aware of his attractiveness and what all girls are madly in love with.

At one point, I got tired of his narcissism and gazing at all the young ladies around, and we.

We parted, stopped communicating.

Then, about six months later, he called and again offered to meet.

Well, here you need to know Seryozha in order to understand that his proposal sounded more like “I am Sergius I, I present you, dust at my feet, with my attention. Come on, jump for joy at a run and rush to me. "

At that time I had already recovered from feelings for him and refused.

He got angry and, trying to annoy me, said: “Do you know that after you I met with Lida. Didn't your girlfriend tell you? "

In the course of clarifying the relationship with Lida, it turned out that this was half-truth: they met 3 times, and then my friend did not continue the relationship with him, so as not to offend me, although she really liked him.

I will not go into details of how we sorted things out and restored friendship.

I can only say that we focused on how to regain trust, because we understood that the problem was not that Lida met Sergei a couple of times, but that she didn’t tell me this.

What's stopping you from regaining trust?

Recovering trust isn't easy.

This takes time, and both parties (the victim and the guilty) must sincerely want to restore trust.

Trust cannot be restored for a number of reasons:

Relationships were already under threat, and betrayal or simply became a catalyst.

Simply put, the injured party is subconsciously happy about what happened, so no matter what you do, you will not be able to restore friendship or love.

Wrong model of behavior of the "criminal".

Instead of apologizing, he tries to shift the responsibility onto someone else.

Inability to forgive.

If you are friends with a person who is simply not able to forgive the mistakes of another, then you can hardly convince him, give you a second chance.

Relapse of the crime.

If this is not the first time you cheat or substitute a loved one, then the chances that he will forgive you decrease.

I, too, would not forgive a malicious repeat offender.

The closeness of the guilty.

Women are more willing to reveal their souls, so this applies, first of all, to men.

If you cheated on your beloved or friend, then you should not continue to play the role of a granite unshakable bargaining chip, tell us about your feelings.

What you need to prepare for those who are trying to regain the trust of a loved one

The process of restoring trust for the wrongdoer is definitely not going to be pleasant.

If you seriously decide to fight for love or friendship, then get ready for the fact that the injured party will:

• express your emotions violently without choosing words;
• try to hit you more painfully (both mentally and, possibly, physically), intending to somehow compensate for the pain caused to her;
• mistrust your words;
• try to immediately break off any relationship with you;
• accuse you of various sins, even those that you have never committed.

Do not try to respond with aggression to aggression, do not hope to achieve forgiveness from the very first conversation.

Give your loved one time to think things over and calm down, just do not drag out the process so as not to finally lose love or friendship.

How to regain trust: take responsibility for what you do

Often, people who have committed a betrayal in relation to a loved one trigger a defense mechanism and instead of admitting to everyone around them and to themselves in their own stupidity and weakness, they begin to attack: “Yes, I did meanness, but you are to blame / blame ! ".

This is utter nonsense, which will not lead to anything good.

Even if you, because she did not suit you in bed, even if you lied to your friend because you thought that she would not understand you, you committed the betrayal.

Take full responsibility.

This is where the return of trust begins.

How to regain trust: sincerely repent of what happened

Do you know what the church considers to be the main thing in the remission of sins?

The sincere repentance of a person for a committed offense.

If you're trying to regain the trust of a loved one, do the same.

Do not try to look for those responsible for what happened!

Don't make excuses for yourself!

Just apologize with as much remorse as possible in your words.

If the one whose trust you are trying to regain sees that you are sincerely sorry for what happened, his heart will tremble.

trust in a pair.

Love each other and trust!

How to regain trust: forgiving yourself

Often people who have committed a betrayal develop a victim complex.

They are so sincerely repentant for what they have done that they turn themselves into a doormat, allowing them to wipe their feet on the person whose trust they are trying to restore.

You can't do this!

Yes, you must take responsibility and repent for what you did.

Yes, you should do some niceties for your loved one.

Yes, you will have to endure his distrust of himself and some not very pleasant words.

But! You must forgive yourself and not let yourself be humiliated.

AND last advice to those who are looking for ways how to regain trust: Prepare to be monitored for a while, even if you have been forgiven.

They will subconsciously expect another offense from you.

Be understanding about this behavior on the part of the victim, because it is much more difficult to regain trust than to lose it.

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