Is it a sin to love a priest with spiritual love? The abbot appointed me as a favorite parishioner .... Priest and Starling

About the benefits of limitations and dangers of substituting spiritual life–  Archimandrite Markell (Pavuk), confessor of Kiev theological schools, ascetic teacher.

Photo: © Natalya Goroshkova / Orthodox life

- Father, on the eve of Lent we would like to talk about the benefits of abstinence and limitations. Basically, the post is considered as gastronomic abstinence, but we wanted to talk about the abstinence of feelings and emotions. We will touch upon an old but urgent problem.

The problem of falling in love with monks and clergy is not new, is it? It existed a hundred years ago and earlier.

- This has happened before, and today is in the Church. For example, Metropolitan Nicodemus (Rotov) recalled that when he was still a young hieromonk and served in one of the rural parishes, the girls directly plastered the windows of his house. They were wondering what the monk was doing in the evening. (Smiles.) This was such a temptation in man. He had to ask the bishop to be transferred to another place.

Archpriest Gleb Kaleda in the book “Home Church” calls girls, women who are fond of monks or priests, - lassophiles. He advises resolutely to deal with this, to nip such relationships, because they are not for the salvation of the soul for either side.

- What is the reason for such an unhealthy relationship?

- We all need care, in a special respect, in love. The priest, a shepherd in his calling and obedience, tries to give each person special attention, to delve into the problem, to help sort out the troubles of family relations and other issues. And such attention is often perceived in a distorted light.

Today, the relationship problem is acute in many families. People cannot properly build a home church. And when they come to the priest with their questions, especially if the father is young, attractive, they open his soul to him. The shepherd finds the right words - and willingly or not, a person begins to get carried away by appearance, beauty, voice, and various virtues of the clergyman. And this, in the end, leads to the fact that the parishioner ceases to rely on God, and relies solely on the object with which he is passionate.

- And not to God comes to the temple, but to this clergyman ...

- Yes. And he seeks not communion with God, but communion with a particular priest. A catastrophe happens - the substitution of Christ, the substitution of spiritual life.

These relations are built not on some kind of selflessness, but on exclusively emotional human sensations. And the worst thing is that they are perceived as a pure act of God's grace.

- What are some examples from church history?

- Such a great saint as John of Kronstadt faced a similar problem. A circle of lovers formed around him, mostly female. They ran after the priest in droves, they did not allow the passage. It got to the point that they began to relate it to Christ, and even there were people who wanted to crucify the saint.

“What fanaticism comes to ...”

- A similar thing happened with Father Tikhon (Agrikov), the famous confessor of the Trinity-Sergeeva Lavra. Followers literally chased after him. Thus, the KGB special services also provoked him specifically for the scandal. The priest had to hide from these women, who provoked him, did not allow them to go about their business, to serve.

This is a sensitive, acute, difficult problem.

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky describes the story that happened with Hierodeacon Neil - the real inhabitant of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. In his cell were stored the personal valuables of one fan who helped him in every possible way, idolized.

But there was a second ardent fan. And once, when the hierodeacon went to the service, one of these women remained in his cell, and at that time another came, who also had a key, and saw the first monk lying in bed. There was a scandal. One accused the other of stealing. There was a court. These events leaked to the secular press, which, of course, gave rise to great temptation among believers.

- Dostoevsky at that time was already a man deeply churches?

- Yes. Violent youth passed, revolutionary passions passed. Dostoevsky became an Orthodox believer of conservative views. He writes that the monk deservedly booed at the court, but emphasizes that the Providence of God is in everything: it’s good that this abscess has now been opened and Father Neil will no longer have to dissemble and lead a double life. He can repent or simply leave the monastery and serve in the world without deceiving himself or anyone else.

- Probably, all the priests faced this to one degree or another, especially the young ones.

- Of course. Father Gleb Kaleda advises: "Do not give a reason to those who seek a reason." If such temptations happen, then you need to immediately stop them and advise one or another parishioner to go to another temple.

- It is important when the priest maintains sobriety in this matter and does not fall into charm. There are times when a monk supports such a feeling among parishioners and bathes in it. He is pleased with the attention. The monk needs spiritual strength to get away from such a temptation.

- Today's difficult and unstable time leaves an imprint on all spheres of life. Especially important today is the struggle to maintain chastity. You need to understand that everything begins at the level of thoughts, and imperceptibly a person more and more deeply falls into this quagmire. Therefore, one should not allow such inclinations in thoughts. You can't play with it like fire. The great responsibility of each shepherd for the souls he has destroyed.

- Disorder and chaos in the country makes a mess in the soul. People are losing ground. What was previously unshakable - fidelity, purity, is today ridiculed and devalued.

- Why is this happening? Why do many people feel lonely, including in the family?

This is due to all of our inherent pride. We think that we all owe that the husband / wife is obliged to give special love, care. At the same time, each of us forgets that we ourselves should give love, and not wait for it from others, it is important to bring it to our loved ones and to the world, to sacrifice ourselves.

And where mercenary relations reign, a crisis sets in, total discontent grows. There is no love.

- Someone said that love has one verb - to give.

- Sacrificial relationships, self-giving can be formed only on the basis of the correct faith in God, with an understanding of the highest meaning of love, and when faith is weak, then distrust arising from some trivialities quickly breaks family ties and people begin to look for hobbies on the side.

“And they deceive it as the highest love. ... Although there is also a selfish desire to get attention from the priest to his person, to feel a special arrangement.

“This is charm, not love.” If a person in love thought about the soul of a clergyman, she would not harm him with her unnecessary attention and unacceptable affection.

- Everywhere there is stiff egoism, we do not want to infringe on ourselves at least in some way. There are monks who lead a "glamorous life" worse than in the world ...

- It is difficult for a modern person to understand why to limit oneself. I recently spoke with a priest who is serving in one of the prosperous western countries. He said: when he tells people that you need to fast, limit yourself, humble yourself in order to overcome this or that passion, they are offended and some stop visiting the temple. People do not perceive asceticism, although they agree that good deeds need to be done, social work should be done, but just do not deny yourself anything, do not limit anything.

The result is a large percentage of dementia and insanity. People who do not limit themselves to anything, who have no motivation to overcome themselves, for the sake of spiritual growth, often go crazy. Here lies the main reason for the so-called senile senility.

- Asceticism is now unpopular, it is considered archaism. You, a teacher of asceticism, how do you manage to tell young people about the need for such today?

- I am teaching a course on asceticism, the introductory part is the rationale for discipline, its functional significance. Orthodoxy is built on asceticism, this is the basis of the foundations. But, I repeat, today, as never before, it is difficult to talk about penance.

No one likes restrictions. To live and not strain is the creed of young people.

This false sense of self-pity, destructive in essence, does not allow a person to develop.

And if a person does not limit himself in anything, he will inevitably become cruel, indifferent, incapable of compassion, rejoice. And any relationship and his whole life then are exclusively selfish in nature.

When a person ceases to distinguish evil from good, when he is fixated on his person, he becomes sick and dangerous to society.

Interviewed by Natalia Goroshkova

How to help yourself survive a feeling of love for the priest, if it takes all thoughts? Is it passion, sin, temptation, when the heart trembles, and the mind wonders how this happened and why? Sorry! Photinia.

Priest Anthony Skrynnikov answers:

Hello Photinia!

Sin can be not only deeds, but also thoughts. St. John Climacus says that thought becomes sin when we agree with it and let it into our hearts. If sinful thoughts come to you, then you should not develop them further in your imagination, since demons are their source.
  That is why the Church holds the obligatory rule for the future cleric to get married or tonsured a monk. In order not to have such temptations neither among the parishioners, nor, especially, the pastor himself.
The best advice in your situation, if possible, is to start going to worship in another temple. If this is not possible, then you need to reduce the time of communication to a minimum, to confess with other priests. Because you confuse not only your heart and soul, but you can confuse the priest. You must understand that you cannot have any relationship.

Sincerely, Priest Anthony Skrynnikov.

Wisdom and willingness to listen - these are the qualities that invariably attract us in people. And it is they who become the reason that girls and women fall in love with priests. Who, if not a confessor, whom you trust your secrets, will understand and console? Who, if not a preacher, will say the right word in time? Going to church invariably brought you peace. but now everything has changed, and you ask yourself a thousand questions: I love the priest - what should I do? Is it possible to love a priest or is it a sin?

Is loving a priest a sin?

By itself, falling in love cannot harm anyone. However, most likely, you still have to sacrifice this love for your own peace of mind. Unfortunately, church requirements for Orthodox priests are quite severe. They are forbidden from any extramarital affairs with parishioners, an unmarried shepherd is forbidden to marry after taking the dignity, and a married man cannot be divorced and remarry (even if the first wife died). This is due to the fact that the priest should have only one love (meaning love of God), the priest should maintain moral purity, serve as an example for the flock. In other words, the minister’s passion and intrigues should not concern.

That is why your love is unlikely to find a response in the heart of the clergyman. You need to understand that a relationship with you may end for him with the loss of church dignity. A person who consciously chose this share will not refuse it for the sake of relations with a parishioner. Therefore, your love, alas, is initially doomed to remain unrequited. Not finding a way out, this feeling will sharpen you from the inside, stop you from living fully. It is a pity that you cannot forbid yourself to love a person! This feeling will have to be fought, but we are sure that you will manage to cope.

What if I love a priest against my will

You cannot command the heart, but if love has already visited your heart, do not kill it, but direct it in a different direction. Our tips may help you.

• We have already said this above, but it is worth repeating: do not count on reciprocity. For a priest to fall in love with a parishioner, speaking secular language - is an official crime. Read also our article on how to cope with unrequited love (it will appear on the site soon).
• The proverb "Out of sight - out of mind" sometimes really works. While you feel forbidden love in your heart, try to avoid visits to your favorite temple. Each time you see the object of your passion, listening to it, talking to him, you throw fuel into the tank of your love. Find another church that you could attend without sinful thoughts.
• In your case, a simple tip works just fine: talk with someone you like so much. Often such conversations can only aggravate the situation when the object of your passion itself does not understand well what it feels and wants. But the spiritual shepherd will listen to you with attention and give an answer with his inherent wisdom. Perhaps his words will be enough to completely correct the situation. And do not be afraid that you will fall in his eyes or he will lose respect for you, because to set the right path is his task.
• If you fall in love with a priest, this may indicate that you have few close people who care about you, listen, give instructions. You should be distracted, fill your life with new people and activities. Find what to do with your time — let it be a church choir, charity, or something not directly related to your faith. Good deeds and communication with other people will bring you a sea of \u200b\u200bpositive emotions, in which your doubts will gradually dissolve.

I love the priest and I think it's mutual

Too bad, but most likely you are mistaken. The participation and care of the priest, some parishioners take for the expression of romantic feelings. In fact, of course, the clergyman treats his flock with love, which is why he devoted his life to people. But this love applies equally to all parishioners and, of course, has no romantic coloring. If you know your confessor for many years, he is much older than you - most likely, his feelings for you can be called fatherly, but this is not in love.

But what if you know for sure that your feeling is mutual? Let us return to the beginning of this article and recall that relations with you are a great temptation for the clergyman and can put an end to his spiritual calling. Therefore, even if you learn about reciprocal feelings, be wiser and above the temptation. Remember that even if no one knows about your romance, according to church rules, your beloved must be anathematized.

If you have a priest, then think about the fact that your happiness can become the misfortune of another woman. Would you like to be in her place?

However, we would like to finish this article on a major note. Remember that first of all we are people, and love helps us to make each other happier. History knows examples of how love glorified a priest - remember Pierre Abelard and his beloved Eloise. As a bishop, Abelard Eloise, she bore him a son. This love contradicted all the canons of the church, but it inspires poets to this day. Unfortunately, Eloise had no one to ask for advice when she realized that she had fallen in love with a priest. Or maybe, fortunately? .. It's up to you!