How to learn to manage your negative emotions. How to learn to restrain emotions - the advice of a psychologist, practical advice. “Do you want to talk about this?”, Or “ZMK” Technique

It is not easy to overcome the barriers of understanding that arise in various communication situations. To do this, you need to be well versed in the nuances of human psychology, including your own. It’s much simpler to not create these barriers yourself. In order not to be the main obstacle to mutual understanding with others, a person needs to know the psychological rules of communication, and above all, learn how to manage their emotions, which most often become a source of interpersonal conflicts.

The meaning of emotions in human life

For each person, understanding with family, friends, colleagues, and indeed with the outside world is important. However, even the closest people have their own particular beliefs, character, mood. These differences create barriers to understanding and provoke conflicts in different communication situations.

Anger, resentment, quarrel - these negative manifestations steal positive investments from the emotional account of trust and can completely empty it. Uncontrolled emotions can prompt a person in the heat of the day to say too much, to break firewood. Having thought it over, he realizes that in vain he got excited, at first everything should be weighed. Therefore, it is necessary to study the psychological rules of communication, and above all, learn to manage your emotions, which most often become a source of interpersonal conflicts.

Controlling emotions is by no means suppressing them. The exit of emotions is necessary for a person. It has been proven that the inability to express feelings negatively affects mental and physical health. Long-standing grievances, hidden anger, tearless tears are the psychosomatic causes of many diseases. If a person seeks to maintain external calm at any cost, he runs the risk of becoming seriously ill.

Emotions are an essential mechanism for instant response of an organism to stress. Fright gives energy to escape from danger; rage activates the muscles and turns off fear; anger sweeps away all obstacles. Under the influence of emotions, an instant mobilization of forces takes place, while the mind cannot influence physiological processes to such an extent.

Emotions need to be reasonably managed when it is not about survival, but about everyday communication, when violent experiences or apathy interfere with mutual understanding. If from time to time you experience uncontrollable feelings: anger, irritation, resentment, guilt, anxiety, and you wanted to get rid of these destructive emotions, learn how to manage your emotional state, master the practical skills of quickly recovering and maintaining inner peace of mind in any life situations.

It should be noted that a common distinguishing feature of the character of long-livers is the ability to find joy in the little things of life. This psychological type is characterized by benevolence and the absence of hostility to the outside world. Also, an essential advantage of the ability to manage experiences is success in life. The ability of a person to understand and control their emotions, as well as the emotions of others, psychologists call emotional intelligence (EI). A person with a high level of EI is more likely to become a big businessman, top manager, effective politician, as his behavior is more adaptive, which means that he more easily achieves his goals in interaction with others.

Types of emotions

Depending on the intensity, the following types of emotions are distinguished:

stenic (from Greek - power): excite, motivate to active activity (joy, enthusiasm, passion, anger ...). Accompanied by intense action, rapid change of state and a great waste of personal resources.
asthenic (from Greek - impotence): inhibit, relax, calm or paralyze activity (pain, longing, sadness ...). They lead to a decrease in activity, a decrease in the waste of resources and are transferred to a state of rest and equilibrium.

Depending on the content, emotions can be of the following types:

negative (negative): occur when the condition worsens (sadness, anger ...). Motivate the system to perform actions to restore the initial state;
neutral: arise with a prolonged absence of a change in state (boredom, apathy ...);
positive (positive): arise when the condition improves (joy, happiness ...). They are a supporting factor motivating the system all the way to the goal until it is achieved.

Depending on the state change, the following types of emotions exist:

useful: lead to an improvement in the state of the system. In some situations, these can be positive emotions (for example, when you reach the goal), and in others, negative ones (when an obstacle or danger has arisen).
harmful: lead to deterioration.

Depending on the degree of influence on the activity, the following types of emotions are distinguished:

simple (basic): based on one experience (hunger, thirst, danger ...). Associated with lower needs (physiological, safe ...).
complex (complex): include several emotions (possibly conflicting) when interacting with a complex system. Associated with higher needs (communication, self-realization, respect, recognition ...).

Depending on the value of the experience, emotions can be of the following types (according to B.I. Dodonova):

altruistic: arise when assisting other systems, supporting them, assisting them in solving problems and achieving goals;
communicative: when communicating, interacting, exchanging resources;
glorious: upon receipt of fame, recognition, fame;
practical: upon achieving success, solving a problem, satisfying a need;
romantic: when perceiving something unknown, unusual, secret, secret;
vernal: in understanding the meaning of something, learning new things, truths, clarifying knowledge, thoughts, ideas, systematizing them;
aesthetic: when perceiving something beautiful, majestic, exalted, elegant;
hedonic: with the perception of comfort, coziness, peace, reliable, stable, safe environment;
akizivnye: when collecting something, replenishing the collection, contemplating it;
mobilization: in overcoming danger, struggle, risk, passion, in extreme situations, when active use of physical and intellectual abilities is required.

Is it necessary to control emotions?

You probably know that all people are divided into psychotypes. And, if, for example, extroverts instantly unleash their emotions on another person, acting completely rashly and often to their own detriment, then introverts remain a closed book, hiding all the feelings inside. Often people don’t even want to learn to control their anger or pacify their envy, or control their anger, or quench their anxiety, attributing everything to: “Humble yourself! That’s my character! ” Naturally, it’s much easier to blame innate data on your problems and difficulties. But do not underestimate the destructive power of negative feelings.

Psychologists have long described what their danger to humans is:

From simple excitement to a state of affect is not such a big way, as you might think at first glance. Just think, you got angry at your husband, who once again threw his socks not under the bed for the laundry basket. They wound themselves up and ran to sort things out. And the husband instead of the standard one: “Sorry!” Grunted something like: “Take it and take it yourself, they don’t bother me.” It is good if everything results in a banal quarrel, and does not end in crime. Most domestic crimes are due to trifles.
Inability to control emotions will lead to problems with others. Even if your parents, friends, husband / wife, and colleagues really love you, sooner or later they will get tired of your imbalance, which means that you risk being alone.
If you could not immediately cope with the negative emotion and wore it for some time in yourself, then she left her mark. With each new negative, the footprint will begin to increase, and soon you will be surrounded by negative energy, and this muck, as you know, has not brought anything good to anyone.
Inability to control emotions is one of the signs of a person’s mental disorders. Yes, no matter how scary it sounds. It’s one thing if you have flushed once, and quite another - if any little thing provokes you to a surge. In this case, it is better to see a specialist.
The bosses are afraid of people who express their feelings too violently, not only negative but also positive. No one entrusts the management of a company or the maintenance of an important contract to an unbalanced type, which means that you can forget about a good career.

How to control emotions?

Watch your face. Keep a calm face.

The most important “recipe” is so simple that it even annoys many: “To remove an unnecessary emotion, just remove the wrong face. Correct your eyes and lips. The main thing is to do it right away, while the emotion has not yet untwisted. If you know how to do it - the intensity of emotions will immediately subside. If this is difficult for you, train the skill of calm presence.

Developing the skill of calm presence is one of the easiest and most effective ways to manage emotions. Indians know how to control their emotions, because they know how to keep a calm face. Training of new recruits in the army begins with a stand "Smyrno!" And other numerous procedures and rituals, including those aimed at mastering a quiet presence. Recruits are ordinary children, it is natural for them to make faces and rattle, so they tend to be afraid, offended and upset. The army teaches them to keep a calm face and through this to manage their emotions, to be able to maintain self-control and fortitude in the most difficult and critical situations.

Watch your breath

Changing the strength and rhythm of breathing almost instantly changes the emotional state. If you need to calm down, start taking a quiet breath and exhale. When you need to boost energy, just do energizing exercises. Someone arranges a mini-training from karate, someone uses special yoga exercises - the essence is the same everywhere: these exercises are accompanied by strong sharp exhalations.

Control your thoughts

Our thoughts direct our attention. If we pay attention to the bright side of life, we launch positive states. If the attention with the help of thoughts is riveted to the real or possible troubles - more often negative. Moreover, wisdom does not consist in not seeing the difficulties of life, but in treating them constructively: remove the position of the victim and translate the problems into tasks.

If negative thoughts go around, they need to be stopped. How? It is best to switch to other, more positive thoughts, and do it better for reliability out loud. Talk to yourself out loud - yes, it is necessary. Other options - switch yourself to bright, positive pictures - imagine a rainbow, beautiful flowers ... As a rule, it helps women and children well.

Manage emotions at the level of imagination

The possibilities of our imagination open up a truly large field for action in the field of emotions. There are many methods for working with images, such as:

The Arrow Catcher Technique

Imagine that catchy remarks, phrases addressed to you are arrows that come from the interlocutor. But you have an advantage - the presence of an invisible shirt, which has the ability to delay them and pass only the data that is important for controlling the situation. However, be careful not to miss information that is crucial for making a decision on the issue.

Technique "The second pair of eyes"

Using this technique, you seem to be split in two and begin to see yourself from the side. Let the events around you go their own way. At the same time, direct part of your attention to observing yourself. Try to understand your reactions, keep track of why they arise and how they develop. Your internal observer must be impartial and critical. Remember that you need to notice your current actions, conditions, and adjust them in the process. For example: “A conversation with an employee is not easy. I feel that I am starting to raise my voice, breathing becomes quicker. So, you need to slow down and bring your breathing back to normal. Okay, now everything is in order. ”

Manage your emotions externally

Sometimes feelings are so strong that a person needs not only an internal resource, but also an external one to live. In this case, sheets of paper can be creased or cut into small pieces. If this is not possible for certain circumstances, start drawing scribbles in a notebook, pressing the bar or stylus with force. It can also turn out to be effective if you do something pleasant for yourself: drink a cup of delicious coffee / tea, look at the pictures of your loved ones, turn on a pleasant melody.

The following measures can be used as preventive work at the level of emotional management:

regularly engage in sports, visit a massage therapist, do yoga, breathing practices or any other activities that will meet your needs in the emotional sphere;
before the beginning of each working day or the upcoming difficult conversation, draw in your head an ideal picture of this, tuning in a positive mood;
create comfortable working conditions for yourself. Even if you don’t have a personal account, you can create coziness on your desktop: put a photo of a dear person or your beloved pet in a frame, choose office supplies that will be a pleasure to work with, choose a mug from which you will enjoy tea / coffee , affix an encouraging sticker to the monitor.

So, here are the basic skills that will help you better manage your condition and emotions:

the ability to distract attention from unnecessary things and direct it to what you want at the moment. This skill will help switch from negative emotions to positive ones;
training your facial expressions and facial expressions. As well as tracking your body position, your gestures and the sound of your voice;
proper breathing. Ability to tune calm and even breathing. Deep breathing relieves irritation and tension throughout the body;
control your imagination. Learn to immerse yourself in the fantasies and images that you create at a particular moment. This will give you the ability to easily rebuild or disconnect from circumstances or situations.

You can also turn to professionals who will teach you special techniques and methods for managing emotions. This will be a more effective means and will give results faster than self-learning. If this is not possible, read books on this topic or watch video tutorials on the Internet. Remember, one who can control his emotions is the master of the situation.

How to manage your emotions? Part one

Tags: Emotions management

Does it ever happen that your emotions get out of hand? Do you experience experiences that reduce the quality of your life? If so, be sure to read this article!

Honestly, writing about managing emotions is not at all easy for me: there are so many nuances and aspects in this topic that, starting to describe one side of the issue, you realize that you are missing a lot of other, equally important things.

Today I planned to describe a very effective meditative exercise to control my emotions. But just to describe the essence of the exercise, its stages, is too little: from thoughtless following instructions there will be little sense. For maximum benefit, you need to understand the mechanisms by which our emotions function.

And so I began to describe the mechanisms. Having completed my description, I realized that the volume of the text is fully consistent with a full-fledged article. But I have not even started to describe the exercise itself!

So, I decided not to inflate the article to the extent of "War and Peace." I will write detailed instructions for the exercise in the next article, in a week. Today we’ll talk about how it works. I will list a few points that are most often associated with difficulties in managing emotions. It is on these points that a meditative exercise will affect.

So let's go ...

1. Awareness of emotions

In order to manage your emotions, it is important to be aware of them. Many people are often not used to paying attention to their emotional state. Therefore, if you ask them what they feel in a given situation, they will answer very vaguely: “Good”, “Bad”, “Somehow not very”, “Normal. What emotions are hidden behind these words? Unknown

There are many words that can be used to describe emotions: joy, sadness, anger, irritation, sadness, longing, fear, anxiety, resentment, guilt, shame, embarrassment, hope, pride, tenderness, delight, etc.

The ability to describe the internal state with these or similar words is the first important step on the path to managing emotions. Read more about why this is so important in this article. Here you will find simple and understandable instructions that will help you learn to better understand and understand the emotional state. In the same article there is an audio recording of meditation, which helps to look deep inside yourself and better get acquainted with your emotions.

The meditative exercise, which I will describe in detail in the next article, also helps to better understand our own emotions.

2. Acceptance of emotions

What happens when we feel something unpleasant? Of course we want to get rid of what we don’t like! We are so arranged that we instinctively resist pain, unpleasant sensations. We strive to avoid uncomfortable situations. And of course we do not want to experience negative emotions!

Therefore, faced with a negative experience, many are trying to suppress or muffle painful emotions, not to notice what is happening inside.

An even more serious version of the struggle is when the person who considers the emerging emotions for some reason considers it unacceptable. For example, many do not allow themselves to be angry. "Aggression, anger, irritation - this is bad," - such a belief is often present. And then, having felt forbidden emotions, a person begins to push them into himself.

Some do it so masterfully that they manage to hide emotions even from themselves. Such people, for example, can sincerely believe that they are never annoyed, angry or offended. I must say that such suppression of emotions never goes without consequences, and sometimes the price is too high: depression, chronic anxiety, psychosomatic disorders often arise as a result of the struggle with emotions.

Fighting your own emotions is harmful for many reasons. But now I want to dwell on only one of them (read about other reasons).

Any struggle only increases tension.

In aikido, there is a principle called "giving up the fight." Its meaning is as follows: if the enemy strikes, then this strike does not need to be answered with resistance, because in this case you can lose balance or not withstand the force of the blow. If you subtly feel the enemy’s movements and follow these movements, in this case you will be able to use the opponent’s strength for your own purposes.

This principle is quite difficult to understand if you do not see how this happens. Therefore, I found a video on the Internet where the principle of refusing to fight is shown very clearly.

I am sure that most of my readers are far from martial arts. However, watch this video. At first glance, it does not fit with psychology. But this is only at first glance. Watch it to the end, and then continue the conversation.

Have you looked? Now imagine that the guy in the orange T-shirt from the video is your emotions, and the man in the jacket is you yourself. See what happens if you show direct resistance? If emotions are very intense, you will most likely have a hard time!

So, you can’t fight emotions! This is an absolutely futile exercise. How then to be?

It is important to learn how to accept emotions as they are, without trying to somehow change or suppress them. Only in this case will you be able to use emotional energy for your own good, not harm.

Saying "accept your emotions as they are" is very easy. It is much more difficult to realize this: when unpleasant experiences arise, most of us instinctively, automatically, out of habit, try to change something and actually turn on the fight.

By making any emotion an object of meditation, you have much more opportunities to learn how to accept it: during practice, it is easier to notice your own attempts to influence emotions and inner experience. Stopping your desire to fight over and over again, you gradually learn to be benevolent and accept any experience you have, whatever it may be.

The meditation, which I will tell you about in the next article, is designed in such a way as to learn how to positively accept any of my emotions.

3. Vision of a broader context

Usually, when a person experiences some strong emotions, he is inclined to leave them "with his head." He dives into the abyss of emotions and spends all of himself on experiences. His whole life, the whole world at this moment is narrowed down to one specific situation and the emotions associated with it.

If there is resentment inside, then all internal dialogues will be aimed at punishing the offender or proving something to him. If frustration befalls, then all thoughts will revolve around the situation associated with these experiences. A man spends all his strength, all of himself on the experiences that have arisen inside.

In order to learn how to manage your emotions, it is important to be able to look at your experiences from the side. What does it mean?

This does not mean that you are trying to muffle emotions. No, when you focus your attention on them, they can be felt even more intense and stronger than usual.

This does not mean that you look at the emotion and decide for yourself: "Well, it’s kind of silly to experience such experiences in such a situation."

To look at your experiences from the side is to allow yourself to feel, to allow emotions to be as they are. And at the same time, living your emotions, it is important to realize that you are something more than the emotions that you are now experiencing.

Imagine that you are standing in front of a huge picture, resting your nose on it. You see some fragment and are completely concentrated on it. If you take a few steps back, you will continue to see that fragment, but also an integral canvas will open before you. You will find that you saw only a small element that is part of the whole picture.

Roughly the same thing happens when you concentrate on emotions during meditation. You have the opportunity to go beyond these emotions, to see your experiences in a wider context.

4. Understanding the meaning of emotions

I already wrote in other articles that any emotion contains valuable information (for example, read about it). There are no emotions that do not carry any meaning in themselves. Each experience has a specific function. That is why it is impossible to take and suppress some emotion without negative consequences.

In order to manage your emotions, it is important to understand what meaning lies in each of them.

It is far from always easy to understand the meaning of this or that experience, especially if it painfully and tangibly spoils life. The intensified work of thought, the inclusion of analysis and logical thinking are often meaningless here.

Emotions are born from within, and understanding of their meaning also comes from within. Meditation helps to express the meanings inherent in emotions. However, do not expect this to happen instantly.

Imagine that you went into a completely dark room. At first you will peer into the darkness and you will not see anything. Gradually, your eyes will begin to get used to, and you will begin to see the outlines of objects more clearly and more clearly.

When you start to meditate, it may be as if you were in a dark room: you seem to follow the instructions, but you don’t see anything special. At this stage, the main thing is not to be disappointed, because if you continue to peer inside yourself, gradually a lot of important and valuable will begin to appear from the dark.

So, I repeat: understanding of meaning during meditation is not due to what you analyze, but due to the fact that you fix attention on your experiences, allow yourself to simply feel. As a result, you can suddenly discover something that you did not notice or understand before.

5. Letting go of unproductive emotions

There are emotions that obviously interfere with a person. For example, you are preparing for a responsible exam. Anxiety can grow inside. Again and again, thoughts are visited: “Will I be able to do everything on time?”, “What if I get a ticket with questions for which I don’t know the answers?”

Anxiety can be very painful, take a lot of energy and energy, which would be better spent on preparing for the exam.

We have already said above that within each emotion there is a positive meaning. Even if it seems to us that emotion is absolutely destructive and only interferes, inside, on a subconscious level, there is a belief that emotion is actually needed.

Returning to the example with anxiety, we can assume that the prospect of failure in an exam at an unconscious level is perceived by a person as a disaster. And then anxiety arises in order to mobilize one's strength to the maximum. The fact that the result of such a mobilization not only does not help, but also interferes, is not taken into account by the unconscious. The unconscious acts irrationally, outside the laws of logic.

What can be done in such a situation? You can try to convince yourself of something, say to yourself: “Oh, come on! This exam is not so important. There is nothing to fear, ”but such actions often lead to nothing, because we convince ourselves at a conscious level, and the problem is at the level of the unconscious.

Imagine that you live on the second floor, and the neighbors from the first floor at one in the morning turned on the music at full capacity and prevent you from sleeping. From the fact that you get out of bed, begin to pace around the apartment and say into the void: “Turn off the music and do not bother me to sleep!” Nothing will change. In order for you to be heard, you need to go down to the floor below and hold negotiations there.

We can say that consciousness and the unconscious live on different floors. That is why attempts to convince oneself of something and tune in to certain emotions often turn out to be ineffective: in this case, the consciousness tries to prove something to the unconscious without going down to its floor.
Meditation is a practice that helps establish contact with unconscious processes.

How does today's meditation work? You, time after time, establish contact with your emotions, become aware of them, feel them, while accepting and not trying to somehow change it. You just stay with the emotions they are. This leads to the fact that you are getting to know your emotional reactions better and better. This happens not only and not so much at the level of logic and consciousness. Immersed in immediate feeling, you go down to the floor to your unconscious.

As a result, an understanding may gradually come that the emerging emotions do not have practical meaning, do not help, but only interfere. This understanding is not at the level of logic and consciousness. This understanding is on a different, deeper level. At the level of the unconscious. If such an understanding comes, emotions go away by themselves.

This happens only if the emotion really does not already have any meaning and arises “out of habit”. But often inside the emotion contains an important meaning, about which its owner is not aware. In this case, understanding of these meanings may come during meditation.

6. Awareness of the roots of emotions

Often the roots of emotional reactions that occur in the present lie in the distant past. Let me illustrate this with the example given in the previous paragraph. Examination anxiety. Now I will talk about the frequently encountered roots of this phenomenon.

Once upon a time there was a child. Like any baby, more than anything, he needed the love and care of mom and dad. But the adults did not have enough time for this, and their child grew, experiencing a constant, chronic hunger for parental attention.

A child never blames parents in such a situation. He most often begins to think that something is wrong with him. “If my parents don’t pay attention to me, then I’m somehow not like that,” the kid argues. And then he has a desire to become better. By all means, he is trying to meet the expectations of his parents: to behave perfectly, to study well.

He discovers that the five brought from school arouses pride in parents, and so the child receives at least a little warmth and attention. He also sees the disappointment of mom and dad about the four received. And for him it is very painful, because the most important thing in a child’s life is parental love.

So the baby begins to panic fear of bad grades. After all, for him a bad mark means a loss of love.

Time passes. The child turns into an adult who no longer experiences such a strong need for love from his parents. Perhaps he decides for himself: “Well, yes. I did not have a warm relationship with mom and dad. Of course it is sad. But this is in the past. ”

Everything seems to be in the past. But the fear of a negative assessment continues to haunt an adult. He is present at exams, at work, if necessary, submit reports, etc. Negative evaluation is still unconsciously perceived as a threat of loss of love. Already not parents, but just people around. And this is still a very painful topic, causing a lot of anxiety.

Of course, the described situation is not the only one leading to anxiety before exams. There are other reasons.
With this story, I wanted to show that the roots of emotions that arise in the present can stretch from the distant past, often from childhood. A person may not even suspect this.

Often in working with a psychologist, people have strong and deep feelings about what, as they thought, was long in the past. “Can it really matter? That was so many years ago! I thought I had survived this situation a long time ago, ”I regularly hear such words at consultations. But suddenly emerging emotions about situations from the past clearly show that this is important.

So, we see that the emotional reaction often has a story. Its source may be some long-standing trauma, emotional pain. Beliefs that once formed long ago can be associated with emotions. For example, unconscious beliefs may lie behind the exam anxiety: “In order for people around me to love me, I must be successful and show good results,” “If I fail, then I am an unworthy and bad person,” etc.

Of course, in order to understand this tangle, it is best to consult a specialist. But you can also do a lot yourself.
During meditation, being fixed on emotions, understanding may suddenly appear from where they take their roots. This is not an understanding derived from intellectual analysis. It is an understanding that spontaneously arises from within. It does not need to be expected, to try to do something in order for it to appear.

All you have to do is stay with your emotions, accepting them and living. And at some point, understanding may come, and along with understanding and healing from emotional pain.

The meaning of emotions in human life

Types of emotions

Depending on the intensity, the following types of emotions are distinguished:

stenic (from Greek - power): excite, motivate to active activity (joy, enthusiasm, passion, anger ...). Accompanied by intense action, rapid change of state and a great waste of personal resources.
asthenic (from Greek - impotence): inhibit, relax, calm or paralyze activity (pain, longing, sadness ...). They lead to a decrease in activity, a decrease in the waste of resources and are transferred to a state of rest and equilibrium.

Depending on the content, emotions can be of the following types:

negative (negative): occur when the condition worsens (sadness, anger ...). Motivate the system to perform actions to restore the initial state;
neutral: arise with a prolonged absence of a change in state (boredom, apathy ...);
positive (positive): arise when the condition improves (joy, happiness ...). They are a supporting factor motivating the system all the way to the goal until it is achieved.

Depending on the state change, the following types of emotions exist:

useful: lead to an improvement in the state of the system. In some situations, these can be positive emotions (for example, when you reach the goal), and in others, negative ones (when an obstacle or danger has arisen).
harmful: lead to deterioration.

Depending on the degree of influence on the activity, the following types of emotions are distinguished:

simple (basic): based on one experience (hunger, thirst, danger ...). Associated with lower needs (physiological, safe ...).
complex (complex): include several emotions (possibly conflicting) when interacting with a complex system. Associated with higher needs (communication, self-realization, respect, recognition ...).

Depending on the value of the experience, emotions can be of the following types (according to B.I. Dodonova):

altruistic: arise when assisting other systems, supporting them, assisting them in solving problems and achieving goals;
communicative: when communicating, interacting, exchanging resources;
glorious: upon receipt of fame, recognition, fame;
practical: upon achieving success, solving a problem, satisfying a need;
romantic: when perceiving something unknown, unusual, secret, secret;
vernal: in understanding the meaning of something, learning new things, truths, clarifying knowledge, thoughts, ideas, systematizing them;
aesthetic: when perceiving something beautiful, majestic, exalted, elegant;
hedonic: with the perception of comfort, coziness, peace, reliable, stable, safe environment;
akizivnye: when collecting something, replenishing the collection, contemplating it;
mobilization: in overcoming danger, struggle, risk, passion, in extreme situations, when active use of physical and intellectual abilities is required.

Is it necessary to control emotions?

Psychologists have long described what their danger to humans is:

From simple excitement to a state of affect is not such a big way, as you might think at first glance. Just think, you got angry at your husband, who once again threw his socks not under the bed for the laundry basket. They wound themselves up and ran to sort things out. And the husband instead of the standard one: “Sorry!” Grunted something like: “Take it and take it yourself, they don’t bother me.” It is good if everything results in a banal quarrel, and does not end in crime. Most domestic crimes are due to trifles.
Inability to control emotions will lead to problems with others. Even if your parents, friends, husband / wife, and colleagues really love you, sooner or later they will get tired of your imbalance, which means that you risk being alone.
If you could not immediately cope with the negative emotion and wore it for some time in yourself, then she left her mark. With each new negative, the footprint will begin to increase, and soon you will be surrounded by negative energy, and this muck, as you know, has not brought anything good to anyone.
Inability to control emotions is one of the signs of a person’s mental disorders. Yes, no matter how scary it sounds. It’s one thing if you have flushed once, and quite another - if any little thing provokes you to a surge. In this case, it is better to see a specialist.
The bosses are afraid of people who express their feelings too violently, not only negative but also positive. No one entrusts the management of a company or the maintenance of an important contract to an unbalanced type, which means that you can forget about a good career.

How to control emotions?

Watch your face. Keep a calm face.

Watch your breath

Control your thoughts

Manage emotions at the level of imagination

The possibilities of our imagination open up a truly large field for action in the field of emotions. There are many methods for working with images, such as:

The Arrow Catcher Technique

Technique "The second pair of eyes"

Manage your emotions externally

The following measures can be used as preventive work at the level of emotional management:

regularly engage in sports, visit a massage therapist, do yoga, breathing practices or any other activities that will meet your needs in the emotional sphere;
before the beginning of each working day or the upcoming difficult conversation, draw in your head an ideal picture of this, tuning in a positive mood;
create comfortable working conditions for yourself. Even if you don’t have a personal account, you can create coziness on your desktop: put a photo of a dear person or your beloved pet in a frame, choose office supplies that will be a pleasure to work with, choose a mug from which you will enjoy tea / coffee , affix an encouraging sticker to the monitor.

So, here are the basic skills that will help you better manage your condition and emotions:

the ability to distract attention from unnecessary things and direct it to what you want at the moment. This skill will help switch from negative emotions to positive ones;
training your facial expressions and facial expressions. As well as tracking your body position, your gestures and the sound of your voice;
proper breathing. Ability to tune calm and even breathing. Deep breathing relieves irritation and tension throughout the body;
control your imagination. Learn to immerse yourself in the fantasies and images that you create at a particular moment. This will give you the ability to easily rebuild or disconnect from circumstances or situations.

Almost every person on Earth dreams of learning how to influence the emotions of other people and find the most diverse approaches in communication. However, before you achieve this, you need to learn how to manage your own emotions, since it is this ability that will allow you to influence other people. Know yourself first and only then begin to study other people.

A person experiences emotions every second of his existence, therefore, one who knows how to manage them, achieves a lot. They can conditionally be divided into three types: beneficial, neutral, destructive.

We will consider beneficial and neutral emotions in subsequent lessons, and in this we will fully concentrate on destructive ones, because it is precisely them that need to be learned to manage in the first place.

Why do destructive emotions have such a definition? Here is just a short list of how negative emotions can affect your life:

They undermine yours: heart disease, diabetes, stomach ulcers and even tooth decay. As technology advances, scientists and doctors are adding to this list. There is a possibility that negative emotions become one of the reasons for the overwhelming number of diseases or, at least, impede a speedy recovery.
They undermine your psychological health: depression, chronic stress, self-doubt.
They affect your communication with other people: others, close people and employees suffer from negative behavior. And, ironically, it is on close people that we break down most often.
They hinder success: destructive emotions completely atrophy our ability to think. And if anger can pass within a few hours, then anxiety and depression interfere with clear thinking for weeks and months.
They narrow the focus: in a depressed or affective state, a person is unable to see the big picture and cannot make the right decisions, since he is too limited in the number of options.

There is a popular point of view: negative emotions do not need to be suppressed. This is a very controversial question and a full answer to it has not yet been found. Someone says that restraining such emotions leads to the fact that they penetrate the subconscious and sadly affect the body. Other people claim that the inability to restrain them undermines the nervous system. If we imagine our emotions in the form of a pendulum, then in this way we swing it more strongly.

In this regard, in our course we will approach this issue with extreme caution and for the most part we will talk about how to prevent the onset of destructive emotion. This approach is much more effective and will allow you to prevent negative conditions in your life.

Before getting acquainted with the most destructive emotions, one cannot ignore the so-called reactionary thoughts.

Reactionary thoughts

Most of the emotions that we experience appear as a result of the appearance of some kind of stimulus. This may be a specific person, situation, image, behavior of other people, their own psychological state. All this can be an irritant for you, that is, one that invades your personal comfort and makes you feel uncomfortable. To get rid of this condition, we react (usually in a negative way) to it in the hope that it will disappear. However, such a strategy almost never works.

The fact is that any irritation sways the pendulum of your emotions and the emotions of another person. Your irritated response leads to irritation of the interlocutor, which in turn forces him to "increase rates." In this situation, someone must show wisdom and extinguish passions, otherwise everything will get out of control.

By the way, we will return to the image of the pendulum more than once in our lessons, because this is a great metaphor for indicating that emotions have the peculiarity of increasing their intensity.

When we experience the action of a stimulus, then reactionary thoughts flash through our heads, whether we are aware of them or not. It is these thoughts that prompt us to aggravate the conflict and lose our temper. To accustom yourself not to react instinctively, learn one simple rule: there is a small gap between the action of the stimulus and the reaction to it, during which you can tune in to the correct perception of the situation. Practice this exercise every day. Whenever you feel that you are caught in a word or situation, remember that you can choose how to react to it. This requires discipline, self-control and awareness. If you accustom yourself not to succumb to reactionary thoughts (as a rule, these are generalizations or feelings of resentment), you will notice what advantages this brings.

The most destructive emotions

There are emotions that cause irreparable harm to human health and reputation, they can destroy everything that he built over the years and make his life a living hell.

We’ll immediately agree with you that sometimes a character trait can be an emotion, so we will also consider these cases. For example, conflict is a character trait, but it is also a special emotional state in which a person experiences a craving for receiving high-intensity emotions. This is a dependence on the collision of two emotional worlds.

Or, for example, the desire to criticize others. This is also a character trait, however, from a purely emotional point of view, this is the desire to raise one's self-esteem by pointing out the mistakes of others, which indicates the need to change the negative valence of one’s emotions to positive. Therefore, if you want, call this list "The most destructive emotions, feelings and conditions."

Anger and rage

Anger is a negatively stained affect directed against a tested injustice and accompanied by a desire to eliminate it.

Rage is an extreme form of anger in which a person has an increase in adrenaline, accompanied by a desire to cause physical pain to the offender.

Despite the fact that anger and rage have differences in intensity and duration of manifestation, we will consider these emotions as one. The whole chain looks like this:

Prolonged, aching irritation - anger - anger - rage.

Why is there no hatred in this chain that contributes to rage? The fact is that she is already included in anger and rage, along with antipathy, disgust, a sense of injustice, so we use it in combination.

A person cannot instantly experience anger or rage; he must bring himself to this. At first there are reflectors of various intensities and the person becomes irritated and nervous. After some time, anger arises. A prolonged state of anger causes anger, which in turn can result in a manifestation of rage.

If we talk about evolutionary theory, the source of anger is a response like “fight or save”, so the trigger of anger is a sense of danger, even imaginary. An angry person can consider dangerous not only a physical threat, but even a blow to self-esteem or self-esteem.

Anger and rage are worst controlled. It is also one of the most seductive emotions: a person conducts a justifying internal dialogue and fills his mind with compelling reasons to pour out his anger. There is a point of view that anger does not need to be restrained because it cannot be controlled. The opposite view is that anger can be completely prevented. How to do this?

One of the most powerful ways to do this is to destroy the beliefs that nourish it. The longer we think about what has revolted us, the more “sufficient grounds” we can come up with. Reflections in this case (no matter how supra-emotional they may be) only add fuel to the fire. To extinguish the flames of anger, you should once again describe yourself to the situation from a positive point of view.

The next way to curb anger is to grab those destructive thoughts and doubt their correctness, since it is the initial assessment of the situation that supports the first outbreak of anger. This reaction can be stopped if soothing information arrives before the person begins to act, guided by anger.

Some psychologists advise to let off steam and not restrain anger, experiencing the so-called catharsis. However, practice shows that such a strategy does not lead to anything good and anger flares up with enviable regularity again and again, causing irreparable harm to human health and reputation.

To cool the passions in the physiological sense, an adrenaline rush is expected in an environment where, most likely, additional mechanisms of inciting anger do not appear. Walking or entertainment can help if this is possible. This method will stop the growth of hostility, since it is purely physically impossible to get angry and angry when you have a good time. The trick is to cool your anger to the point where you are capable to have fun.

A very effective way to get rid of anger is to exercise. After strong physical stress, the body returns to the level of low activation. Various effects give an excellent effect: meditation, muscle relaxation, deep breathing. They also change the physiology of the body, translating it into a state of reduced excitation.

At the same time, it is important to be aware, to notice the growing irritation and destructive thoughts in time. Write them on a piece of paper and analyze. One of two things is possible: either you will find a positive solution, or you will stop at least scrolling through the same thoughts in a circle. Evaluate your thoughts in terms of logic and common sense.

Remember that not a single method will work if you cannot interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts. Literally tell yourself not to think about it and turn your attention. It is you who direct your attention, which is a sign of a conscious person who is able to control his psyche.

Anxiety

There are two types of anxiety:

Swelling their elephant flies. Man clings to one thought and develops it to universal proportions.
Repeating the same thought in a circle. In this case, the person does not take any action to solve the problem and instead repeats the thought again and again.

There is no problem if you carefully consider the problem from all sides, generate several solutions, and then choose the best one. From an emotional point of view, this is called a concern. However, when you find yourself returning to thought again and again, this does not bring you closer to solving the problem. You become anxious and do nothing to get out of this state and remove anxieties.

The nature of anxiety is amazing: it seems to appear out of nowhere, creates a constant noise in the head, cannot be controlled and torments a person for a long time. Such chronic anxiety cannot last forever, so it mutates and takes other forms - bouts of fear, stress, neurosis, and panic attacks. There are so many obsessive thoughts in the head that it leads to insomnia.

Anxiety by its nature directs a person’s thoughts into the past (mistakes and failures) and the future (uncertainty and catastrophic pictures). At the same time, a person shows creative abilities only to create terrifying pictures, and not to search for solutions to possible problems.

The best way to deal with anxiety is to stay in the moment. It is worthwhile to return to the past constructively, figuring out the causes of errors and realizing how to avoid them in the future. It is worth thinking about the future only at the moments when you consciously devote time to this: clarify goals and priorities, outline a plan and an order of actions. You only need to live one day in the most efficient way and not think about anything else.

By practicing meditation and becoming more conscious, you will learn to grasp the first signs of obsessive thoughts and eradicate them. You will also be able to notice which images, objects and sensations trigger the anxiety mechanism. The sooner you notice anxiety, the easier it will be to stop it. It is necessary to repulse thoughts decisively, and not sluggishly, as most people do.

Ask yourself a few questions:

What is the likelihood that an event that scares you will actually happen?
Is there only one scenario?
Is there an alternative?
Is it possible to take constructive steps?
Does it make sense to chew the same thoughts over and over again?

These are the right questions that will allow you to think about what is happening at the moment and pay conscious attention to your thoughts.

Relax as long and as often as possible. It is impossible to worry and relax at the same time, either one or the other wins. Study and after some time be surprised to notice that for several days now you have not felt disturbing thoughts.

The great psychologist Dale Carnegie in his book "" provides many techniques that can cope with this unpleasant habit. We will give you the top ten and advise you to read this book in its entirety:

Sometimes anxiety is not born out of the blue, but has a logical basis. If something has happened (or may happen) to you, use a three-stage structure:

Ask yourself: “What is the worst thing that can happen to me?”
Reconcile with the worst.
Think calmly about how you can improve the situation. In this case, it cannot be worse, which means psychologically you get the opportunity to get more than you originally expected.

Remember that people who cannot cope with anxiety die young. Anxiety inflicts a severe blow to the body and can lead to the appearance of psychosomatic diseases.
Practice occupational therapy. The most dangerous time for a person is hours after work, when, it would seem, it's time to relax and begin to enjoy life. Load yourself up with activities, find a hobby, get out at home, fix a barn.
Remember the law of large numbers. What is the likelihood that an event you are worried about will occur? According to the Law of Large Numbers, this probability is negligible.
Show interest in other people. When a person is sincerely interested in others, he ceases to concentrate on his thoughts. Try to do a selfless act every day.
Do not wait for gratitude. Do what you must and what your heart commands and do not expect your efforts to be rewarded. This will save you from a lot of unpleasant emotions and complaints about other people.
If you got a lemon, make lemonade out of it. Carnegie quotes William Bulito: “The most important thing in life is not to maximize your success. Every fool is capable of it. Really important is the ability to profit from losses. It takes a mind; this is the difference between an intelligent person and a fool. "
Do not let trifles overwhelm you. Many people experience severe adversity with their heads proudly raised, and then drive themselves crazy, lamenting over trifles.
Have a rest in the afternoon. Sleep if possible. If not, just sit or lie down with your eyes closed. Fatigue gradually and imperceptibly accumulates throughout the day and if it is not removed, it can lead to a nervous breakdown.
Do not cut sawdust. The past is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it. You can correct the situation in the present or in the future, but there is no point in worrying about what has already happened.

Feeling of resentment and self-pity

These two emotions lead to, which leads to many destructive consequences. A person stops developing because other people are to blame for his troubles and feels worthless, pitying himself.

Touchiness is an indicator that a person has too many pain points that other people press on. The difficulty is that recognizing this problem can be quite difficult, especially if resentment has passed into the chronic stage.

A feeling of resentment arises:

when a person we knew behaved completely different from what we expected. This is often an unintentional act or behavior that we consider to be intentional;
when a person we know knowingly deliberately insulted us through abuse or humiliation (usually in public);
when a stranger insults us

Howbeit, we are offended only when we believe that we were offended. In other words, everything depends entirely on our perception. There are people who are not offended when they are even insulted in public. What are the benefits of such a mindset?

They do not allow their emotions to get out of control and lose face.
The offender is so surprised that they did not react to his insult that he is in frustration and confusion.
The focus of attention of the audience instantly shifts from him to the person who tried to offend him.
The audience, instead of gloating or feeling sorry for the “offended”, finally takes its side, because all people unconsciously respect those who do not lose face in a stressful situation.

In a word, when you do not react to words that were abandoned in order to offend, you get a huge advantage. This is respected not only among the audience, but even from the offender. This approach is proactive, preserves your health and allows you to control your emotions.

We considered the situation of insult in public, then what about the situation when a loved one behaved differently than we expected? The following thoughts will help you:

“Perhaps he did not want to behave like that or did not suspect that by his actions or words he could hurt me.”
“He understands that he let me down, but his sense of pride does not allow him to admit his mistake. I’ll act wiser and let him save his face. In time, he will apologize. ”
“I expect too much from him. If he did this, it means that I didn’t correctly explain to him that my feelings could be affected by such behavior. ”

It is also worth separating a specific situation with resentment and chronic resentment. In the second case, everything is much more complicated, but with proper work on yourself and you can get rid of it.

The first step in overcoming resentment is to recognize the problem. And in fact, if you realize that your resentment harms primarily only you, this will be a good starting point in solving the problem.

Second step: thinking about why a person wants to offend you. Notice, I did not offend, but wanted to offend. This key difference in thinking will allow you not to focus on inner experiences, but to direct your perception to thinking about the motives of another person.

Remember that you can be offended only when you yourself think that they offended you. This does not mean to be indifferent to a person or a situation. This means analyzing the situation with a cold head and finding out why a person behaved this way. And if you come to the conclusion that you no longer want the presence of a person in your life, this is your right. But up to this point, try to find out what exactly influenced his behavior and words. Curiosity in this situation is the strongest way to distract yourself.

Painful timidity

Many people love timid people, considering them modest, restrained and balanced. In the literature, we can also find laudatory odes dedicated to such personalities. But is it really that simple?

Shyness (shyness, shyness) is a state of mind, the main features of which are fearfulness, indecision, constraint, tension and awkwardness in society due to a lack of social skills or self-doubt. In this regard, we can conclude that such people are quite comfortable for any company, because all the other people against their background look confident. Therefore, they are loved: they give a sense of significance to everyone around.

How can shyness be eradicated? The answer most likely lies in self-confidence. If you are confident in your abilities, then your movements are accurate, your words are clear, and your thoughts are clear. There is a so-called “confidence / competency loop”. You become competent in some kind of activity, notice that you can cope with the task and thereby increase self-confidence. And as your self-confidence increases, you increase your competence.

One of the companions of timidity is the fear of the near future. Therefore, the best way to overcome shyness is to exit the comfort zone. If you do what you fear a few dozen times a day, then after only a week (or even almost immediately) you begin to feel self-confidence and an incredible surge of strength. Fear goes away in the light of knowledge. It turns out that no one ate you when you expressed an unpopular opinion and you are still alive, asking for help.

Inaction turns into activity. You probably know that inertia also works in psychology, so as soon as you begin to overcome the psychological and physical threshold, your fear will begin to disappear. The chain “thought - intention - planning - action” after a while becomes almost automatic and you do not even think about fear or a possible defeat. Since failures and defeats will certainly await you, you need to accustom yourself to this. Consider in advance how you will lead in case of failure so as not to be discouraged. After some time, you will act impromptu, but in the first stages it is better to prepare yourself psychologically.

Pride / Pride

We combined these two opposite emotions for one reason: in most cases, people who feel pride consider it to be pride. Pride is a crooked pride.

Why does a person experience this emotion? We are talking about reluctance to infringe on your own pride. A proud person will not apologize, even if he subconsciously understands that he is guilty.

While pride is a manifestation of a person’s inner dignity and the ability to defend what is dear to him, pride is a manifestation of disrespect for others, an unjust exaltation of oneself, selfishness. A person full of pride will simultaneously experience the following emotions and feelings: resentment, anger, disrespect, sarcasm, arrogance and rejection. All this is accompanied by excessive self-esteem and a reluctance to admit one’s own mistakes.

Pride is formed under the influence of improper upbringing. Parents bring up the child in such a way that they praise him despite the fact that he did nothing good. When a child grows, he enters society and begins to ascribe to himself all the merits to which he has nothing to do. If he becomes a leader, he criticizes his team for failures and takes success for his own.

Pride begets:

Greed
Vanity
Assignment of a stranger
Touchiness
Egocentrism
Reluctance to develop (because you are already the best)

How to get rid of pride? The difficulty is that its owner will not admit the existence of a problem until the very end. In this regard, it is easier to recognize the presence of shyness, irritability, anxiety and other traits that prevent a person from living. While a person full of pride will deny the presence of this quality.

Recognize that this is sometimes true for you too. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses, value the former and get rid of the latter. Respect yourself and other people, celebrate their successes and learn to praise. Know how to be thankful.

The best way to get rid of pride is to develop assertiveness, empathy, and listening skills. We will cover all three of these skills in the next lesson.

Envy

Envy arises in relation to a person who possesses something that the envy wants to possess, but does not possess. The main difficulty in getting rid of envy is that the envy finds excuses for himself when he experiences this feeling. He is absolutely sure that the object of his envy achieved fame, success or material wealth dishonestly or simply did not deserve it.

Perhaps it doesn’t matter in what way a person has achieved any good, because the envy does not need a reason. He will treat equally badly both the one who received the benefit dishonestly, and the one who actually deserved it. Envy is an indicator of a person’s baseness, it corrodes his body and poisons his soul.

When a person is envious, he does not think about how to achieve the same success, because in essence his thinking is destructive and passive. This desire is not to set a goal and achieve it, but simply to take away the good from another person. Perhaps it is this quality that is most difficult to get rid of, because the person who is experiencing this feeling is choked with anger and hatred. He spends tremendous energy on constantly monitoring other people's successes and successes.

What about white envy? From a purely psychological point of view, "white envy" does not exist. Rather, it is simply the ability to enjoy other people's successes and the desire to achieve such heights, which is the behavior of an adequate person. This admiration for other people's achievements and become better.

In order to overcome envy or at least begin to fight it, you first need to realize the presence of a problem. Then answer a few questions:

“What is the difference, what and how exactly did this person achieve if I still need to work and study in order to achieve my goals?”
“Does this person’s success negatively affect my future success?”
“Yes, this person is lucky. Many people are lucky in the world, this is normal. And lucky for those who do not instill in their souls a feeling of envy. Maybe I should be happy for him? ”
“Do I want my envy to spoil my appearance and lead to a stomach ulcer?”
“Isn’t great success achieved by people who sincerely rejoice in the successes of others and wish everyone good? Is there not a large number who loved people and only because of this have reached such heights? ”

Conflict and criticism

It's amazing what irrational creatures people are. We see from our own example that the desire to constantly enter into conflicts and criticize others does not bring any advantages, and yet we behave this way again and again.

Conflict is destructive, because a person entering them consciously and subconsciously considers himself better than others. Is he going to argue and conflict with someone whose opinion considers at least equal to his opinion? This manner of behavior in the head of this person is justified by the fact that he does not want to be a hypocrite, to please and utter sugary words. He believes that telling the truth (his truth) is a much more honest behavior than wagging or being silent.

Let's look at the problem from the angle of self-development. Is telling the truth and not picking up words a sign of a developed and intelligent person? Is it really necessary to say what you think for any reason? Of course, disingenuous and flattering is also bad, but this is another extreme.

Almost any extreme in emotion is fatal. When you lie and flatter, they do not like you, when you come into conflict for any reason and do not know how to keep your mouth shut (or pick out the wrong words), they will not want to deal with you either. Find a balance, because flexible people succeed in this world.

Criticism does not work either, at least in the long run. Carnegie rightly argued that criticism hurts a person’s self-esteem and puts him in a defensive position. When criticizing, we seem to pull a person out of his comfort zone and demonstrate his shortcomings.

Suppress your reactionary thoughts and desire to respond to stimuli. Again - proceed from at least one who can criticize everyone and there’s no need for a lot of mind. Learn the art of indirect criticism and get rid of the accusatory tone. It requires self-control, wisdom, and observation. Such criticism gives a person feedback, motivates and gives new strength.

In this lesson, we found out what reactionary thoughts are and how important they are in managing emotions. We also examined the seven most destructive emotions, found out why they are considered such, and found ways to deal with them.

In the next lesson, we will learn the three main skills for enhancing emotional intelligence - assertiveness, empathy, and listening ability.

Test your knowledge

If you want to test your knowledge on the topic of this lesson, you can take a short test consisting of several questions. In each question, only 1 option can be correct. After you select one of the options, the system automatically proceeds to the next question. The points you receive are affected by the correctness of your answers and the time spent on completing. Please note that the questions are different each time, and the options are mixed.