What I feel when I'm with him. How to understand how I feel? How to understand what you truly love

Emotions are what we experience every day in response to the changes that are happening around us.
In some people, emotions manifest themselves more vividly and vividly, their emotions are hard to miss. Other people are more restrained, and their emotions are not so easy to catch.
In different situations, we experience emotions of different intensities: if the situation is ordinary, familiar, we can experience insignificant emotions, so moderate that we ourselves may not notice them.

And if the situation is unusual, shocking, out of the ordinary, then we can experience very strong emotions for a long period of time. For example, if we lose a loved one, emotions of grief can last from one to two years. And this is normal, it is a healthy mental response to painful circumstances.
Sometimes we understand our emotions, and sometimes they are mixed up in such a "Lump" that we find it difficult to understand how we feel. And in this case, knowledge about what emotions are felt will help us understand our experiences.
The famous psychologist, K. Isard identified 13 main emotions that are familiar to every person:

Embarrassment.

Contempt.

Disgust.

Surprise.

Let's talk about each of them in more detail:
Interest.
When we are interested in something, we usually try to consider it. We turn our head in the direction of the object of interest, turn around with the whole body in its direction, we can even move a little, lean forward. We become attentive and ready to “absorb into ourselves” what is happening.
Inwardly, a sense of interest can be felt as excitement, impatience, a desire to know, understand, understand. In some cases, it may even increase or stop breathing, heart rate. According to scientists, the interested person can even dilate the pupils.

Joy.
We feel joy when something pleasant happens for us. The heart begins to beat faster, we feel an inner lift, inspiration. I want to smile, laugh, even hum. And the mood is improving.

Fear.
We feel fear when something threatens us. The threat can be real or imagined, physical or social (for example, the fear of condemnation is a threat to our peace of mind or reputation.
When we feel fear, we shrink, our breath may stop, our palms will sweat, our legs will buckle (or they will become like cotton), our hands may tremble, our voice tremble. Or, on the contrary, the heart begins to beat violently, makes noise in the ears. There may be a desire to run away, hide.

Guilt
Guilt is one of the hardest feelings a person experiences. It can be felt as a heaviness in the chest, a feeling of general depression, depression. The desire to look into the eyes of the person to whom he is guilty may disappear - more precisely, there is a desire to lower his eyes. The look of the person to blame may seem unbearable. These feelings are often accompanied by remorse, a desire to apologize.
This is an important emotion that allows you to maintain relationships between people, despite our mistakes and mistakes in front of each other.

Shame.
Also a very difficult, heavy feeling. When we are ashamed, we want to hide our eyes, cheeks begin to burn. There may be a desire to hide, run away, the feeling that I’m somehow not so, bad, ugly. Shame helps us feel when we "Step over" the line of what is permitted, violate social or moral standards. In other words, it helps to keep oneself “in the Frame” of moral rules.

Embarrassment.
When we are embarrassed, we often blush, we want to lower our eyes, the heartbeat may become more frequent. But these sensations are more pleasant, softer, in contrast, for example, from feelings of shame or feelings of guilt. You may want to sneak a look at the person who embarrassed you.
Often we experience embarrassment when an awkward moment of emotional closeness arises with another person. For example, we are talking about something important, about some important experiences, or another person is saying something very pleasant and unexpected to us. For example, when men compliment women, many women are embarrassed.

Contempt.
Contempt is felt as an unpleasant feeling, an expression of hostility. We feel contempt, for example, when we find out that someone is committing a low, ugly, unpleasant, unworthy act. Contempt is felt like this - we feel something repulsive, while we can frown, wrinkle our nose, our upper lip may lift a little, or as if wrinkle in the corners of the lips. Or we can, as it were, bite one of the corners of the lips from the troubles of what is happening.

Disgust.
It feels like an unpleasant, repulsive feeling. Often associated with a feeling of dirt, the abomination of what is happening. There is a desire not to approach, it can be unpleasant to talk about the subject that caused this feeling. In its outward appearance, it is somewhat similar to contempt. We lower the corners of the lips, frown, wrinkle our foreheads.

Love.
It feels like a feeling of flight, inspiration, craving for the object of love. We want to be close to someone we love, talk about it. Our eyes sparkle, our voice grows louder and louder, we want to do wonderful and wonderful things, to become better ourselves. Sometimes we tend to idealize the object of love, not to notice the lack of it.

Anger.
It occurs when we don’t like something, don’t like it very much, it causes discomfort. It is experienced as a strong excitement, internal boiling, there may be sensations of expansion in the chest (some say that a balloon is being inflated there), hands become heavier, and I want to squeeze them into fists, we frown, the heartbeat becomes faster. There is a desire for immediate action, movement, a desire to say, even to scream.

Sadness.
It occurs when something important and pleasant ends, or the connection is lost. Something irrevocably passed. It feels like general depression, confusion, some sadness, a desire to cry may arise. Facial expression takes on an unfortunate hue, I do not want to laugh, joke, have fun. The corners of our lips go down, the corners of our eyes go down. I want to be silent. Sometimes it feels like a light feeling - kind of sad, but somehow in a good way, feeling like a pleasant sadness.

Woe
Grief is usually experienced when we lose something important for us - either a loved one, or health, or serious material values \u200b\u200b(for example, a grief can be experienced by a person who has a house burned down. Grief is pain, it’s an experience of personal disaster There is a feeling of joylessness, pain, gloom, I want to cry, think and talk only about what has been lost. General depression, there may be an unwillingness to do something, a feeling of hopelessness.
Nature arranged so that despite the severity of this emotion, we are able to survive it, but sometimes we need help - relatives, friends, acquaintances, psychologists. If you are experiencing grief - do not be afraid to talk about it with others. Most people feel better when they talk about their experiences.

Surprise.
It arises when we are faced with something unusual, unusual, non-standard. There may be a feeling of misunderstanding - what is it? What's happening? Surprise is easy enough to feel mimically. Surprised, we raise eyebrows, wrinkling our foreheads, our mouth can be opened involuntarily, especially if the surprise is strong. We can scream, “splash” with our hands.
In order to learn to notice your emotions, it is first important to learn to listen to your body and trust it. In the event that somewhere pinned or jumped - this is not always a sign of illness, sometimes it is just a manifestation of emotions.
Listen to yourself and ask:

What I feel? - What is happening to me? - What is the reason? Our emotions really help us sometimes. By listening to emotions, we gain access to intuition.

How to understand that you feel love?

I used to think that love is when something clicks in your head and heart and you realize that you are in love. Like snow on my head. Like the blow of Cupid’s arrow. And you just know. Right?

Not really. For 38 years of my life and many years of marriage, I no longer consider such love. Now Cupid is more like Santa Claus for me.

Love is a series of decisions. The first decision is based on many factors, including "chemistry", principles, logic, humor, mind, figure, social status, dreams and aspirations ...

The list goes on, and the importance of each item is different for each. Based on these factors, we either decide to start the process of love or not. If we decide on this, then there may be moments, "when just something clicks." How she looked at you. How he touched your hand, etc.

But as with a plane, there are turbulence zones. Quarreling. Conflicts Little things that annoy. His socks. Her shopping. We are beginning to doubt that we have made the right decision.

And when we begin to doubt, we have to make the following decision: continue the “flight” with this person or get off the plane. This decision is again based on hundreds of other factors.

If we decide to get off, a frightening free fall will make us either stronger or more miserable. But sooner or later we will again be at the airport waiting for the next plane. And again there will be turbulence. And maybe it won’t. Maybe we will change the destination. But the choice remains the same: fly on or jump?

Love is the daily adoption of such decisions: to love or not to love. That's all.

Everything is simple. Continue it all or not. We can fall in love and we can stop loving. And this does not mean that we do not love this person. This means that we have made a decision. We can continue to feel love, but we decided not to love him anymore. The decision to love is not a feeling, it is an action.

That is why it is so difficult. This requires action from us. And that means not just buying flowers. It means pushing your needs to the background. But, like chemistry, the ability to love is not constant. It depends on what generally happens to us in life.

Sometimes loving is easy. Sometimes it is very difficult. But in the end, it's still our decision.

In this case, love can be amplified. The longer we stay in this flight, the more we carry together, the easier it is for us to fly. We become stronger as a couple, as individuals.

The decision to love creates opportunities to cope with such things in life that we can never cope alone, and that is what makes our decision worthwhile.

So how to understand what you love? This is the wrong question. Question: do you decide to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a decision. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as much as you can. If the answer is no, promise one thing: let this fall out of the plane make you stronger.

How to understand your feelings for a person

If the attitude towards a person lends itself to at least some logical analysis, then things are much more complicated and confusing with feelings. Not all people easily identify their emotions, personal feelings and feelings. But you need to learn to listen to yourself, to your inner voice and intuition.

To do this, you need complete concentration, the absence of noise and fuss. It is best to determine your inner feelings in solitude, when nothing distracts you from the process of comprehending the great mystery of your soul. Think about the personality you are interested in and try to understand what exactly your heart feels in relation to it. Do you feel positive emotions, or vice versa? Do you want to be with him or not? You may need to think about this for several days or even weeks, but the result you will come to be accurate enough.

In addition, it is quite easy to verify the depth of your feelings if you live with a person you like for a while. It is in everyday life that the compatibility of two people is comprehended, as well as their ability to change, adapting to each other. You can be mistaken for a long time, naively believing that you are madly in love with your partner, but several months spent together can easily and simply dispel this myth. But if you are dealing with a real soul mate, then no quarrels, trials and obstacles will allow you to throw him out of your life.

Therefore, try to communicate as often as possible with a person of the opposite sex that interests you. Only in this way will you be able to comprehend the unknown to you facets of his character, which can both strengthen your sympathy for him and kill all feelings. If you start to feel very uncomfortable in communication, you may decide to break this connection or want to change yourself to maintain your relationship. In any case, it is by no means the mind and advice of friends and relatives that will help you make the right decision in the field of love and emotions. Listen only to your soul, which will not deceive you.

It happens that people confuse the concepts of love and passion. If you met relatively recently, and your thoughts revolve only around him, you cannot fall asleep calmly, and during the day, constantly turn the phone in your hands while waiting for SMS, congratulations - you fell in love!

But falling in love and falling in love are two completely different things, and, not knowing the differences of one from the other, you risk doing a lot of rash acts. How to understand your feelings for a person, if a serious passion has flared up between you, and there is no time to figure out what you really feel?

First of all, we must realize that this is a temporary stage that will not last forever. The so-called “candy-bouquet period” will pass rather quickly, and a person will begin to reveal itself to you from the other side. It is possible that on Fridays he likes to drink with friends at the bar, and not enjoy the work of Russian artists in the art gallery. Take as an option that your passion is far from a gift, and then its positive qualities will be a pleasant surprise for you.

How to understand what you truly love

1. Unselfishness. True love is a selfless feeling. If a man or woman is looking for profit, he always waits for the chosen one to do something for him or, moreover, help with finances, it’s not necessary to talk about love. These are not emotions, but use.
2. Sex drive. Can true love do without sex? It is difficult to say, because everyone has heard so-called platonic love, which does not imply physical contacts. However, many psychologists are sure that love is always combined with sexual attraction, which is completely natural. Along with the desire to have a man in love, you want to see and hear the chosen one, to be near just like that, not because of the satisfaction of the "animal" instincts.
3. Unconditional acceptance. To love is to accept a partner with all its advantages and disadvantages. The man in love does not seek to remake the chosen one under his patterns. Want to remake something in a hearty friend? Most likely, this is not love.
4. The trust. The ability to trust a loved one is an important indicator of true love. If you are used to sharing your problems and joys with your partner, don’t be afraid that they will not understand or laugh at you, this is IT. Incompleteness of trust is one of the signs that you still do not love this person.
5. Constancy. True love differs from falling in love in that no external circumstances influence it. For example, if relatives and friends oppose the chosen one, a loving person will defend their opinions and feelings. In addition, real emotions do not change plus or minus, even if the partner was far from perfect.
6. Sacrifice. Love implies a willingness to sacrifice oneself for the sake of whom the heart considers the best person in the world. Sacrifice does not imply a desire to receive something in return, the most important thing is moral satisfaction from the happiness of a loved one.

To understand your attitude to your husband, you need to understand what you are ready for him. What troubles and misfortunes will you go through together, shoulder to shoulder? The following is a series of questions that need to be answered with a yes or no answer:

• Can you trust this person with your life?
• Let me make important decisions for you?
• In case of his illness, will you be able to give a kidney or part of the liver so that he can live?
• Will you give your life for your beloved?
• Are you ready to be with him if he is in a wheelchair, to look after him and support him in difficult times?
• Are you ready to see this person every day of your life?
• After spending time in separation (for example, a month), will you miss, yearn for your husband and wait for his return?

If you answered all these questions, or most of them, positively, then this is really love, and it is worth considering how to connect your whole life with this person.

Concern over thoughts, behavior, feelings of a “beloved” person leads to dependence on his or her approval. Self-perception and self-esteem of the dependent partner, reflects the reaction of the "beloved" person. Expressing real emotions and thoughts becomes too risky. Therefore, reinsurance is important and can take the form of a repeat or even a ritual. For example, a statement like “if you won't call me from work from nine to three every day, then you really don't love me,” is not uncommon. Along with addiction, intolerance comes in relation to the time that the couple spends separately from each other. A sense of ownership, jealousy and patronage prevail over trust. A dependent person cannot tolerate being apart, even if there is a conflict in the relationship or when the relationship is unhealthy.

Experiencing an unhealthy attachment in a relationship, the dependent person, at the slightest chance of separation, clings tightly to his "soul mate", feeling hopeless. Separation can provoke physical symptoms, such as impatience, lethargy, or loss of appetite.

The feeling of falling in love is a wonderful and amazing feeling that captures or, on the contrary, scares us. Sooner or later, everyone experiences it.

If you fall in love, then in the future you will not be able to imagine your life without your soulmate.

It is worth remembering that each person experiences love in completely different ways. Probably everyone who knew this feeling will agree that it is the most excellent and beautiful on Earth.

So let's read 10 ways - how to understand that you really love that person or you just like him:

1. Waking up early in the morning - this is the first person you think about

2. Your loved one is the best part of the day

One famous American musician and actor Childish Gambino, in one of his songs sings: "When I'm alone, I would rather be with you." Even the few minutes that you spend every day with your loved one are the best for you. You will never get tired of your soulmate and will always look for a reason to meet her.

No matter how good the day was, your beloved and dear person can decorate it with just one presence. If you just like the person, she or he will be able to make him better, but most likely they will not be able to be his best part.

3. Own interests in the background

While you are alone, your interests are most important to you. Love is selfless. If you really meet your true love, then the interests of your soulmate will be much more important for you than your own. This is all love. Your own interests will always seem insignificant in contrast to the interests of your beloved or beloved.

4. You are not afraid to express your feelings in plain sight

If you really love this person, then you want the whole world to know about it. You are never shy of your feelings. If you just like a person, then you will refrain from expressing feelings in people.

5. Are you ready to do anything

When you are in love with someone, you will certainly do anything to make your loved one happy.

6. Do you plan for the long term

A man in love cannot imagine his future without a specific person. Based on this, you will surely plan your short life with your loved one for the long term.

If you just like the person, then in this case it will be very scary to plan the future.

7. Your love is imperfection

Love is the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one. Maybe you will jokingly mention them to your loved one, but in fact you will adore these or her imperfections.

8. Your feelings are not caused by anything

True love is not limited by conditions. When you unconditionally love your soul mate, it means only one thing - your love is absolute and it does not know the conditions.

9. You are getting better

Ideal people do not exist and there is always room to grow further. If you love someone, then you always want to become the best "version" for such a person.

10. Your love is your best friend

After a while, almost everyone understands that your loved one is becoming your best friend. You can reveal to him or her the most revealing secrets. Your soulmate becomes an accomplice in a crime and together you are ready to roll mountains.

Request for consultation,
Hello dear Anton Mikhailovich, I am addressing you with a commonplace topic, a former boss. There will be a short story so that you feel what was happening ...
Once :) a new boss appeared in our team, a young, handsome, smart - just a chic man. I was married then (4 years, 2 children, of course, life and everything went with her husband to nowhere, just lived as neighbors and no more, yes, sometimes there was sex, but as a duty, without passion, etc. - the result : now a divorce). I had a complete apathy for men, before the appearance of this man in the office. For a very long time I didn’t like anyone at all!
A woman always feels how this or that man is looking at her, and so, I felt it - what an inexplicable craving arose immediately, at least I felt it !!! He knew that I was married and kept his distance, but sometimes he was drifted, always talking when he provoked me, or checked, came very close to me (invaded the intimate space), and then overwhelmed both, immediately appeared in my head then thoughts, pulse increased, but nothing more! We are adults, each kept his horses.
There was a case on a business trip, everyone gathered at the restaurant in the evening (at least the restaurant was said), I dressed appropriately, go downstairs, everyone sits, and everyone wow, what a sexy person, and he sits and tries to ignore me :)) )) then deigned to look at me, and now I regret this moment - for the first time in all our communication - he said that it was very kind of you that they reacted so important to our event :))) and I was a fool - said thanks, and that’s it !!! others began to distract me, and left, that’s a fool, then I realized what it cost him to say to everyone, but I did not emphasize this moment, unfortunately.
At a dinner like in a movie, by chance (really, by chance!) They took the same piece of bread, faced each other, and then there was a finish when they asked what ideal your female beauty is (he is a little artist), and he showed a picture of a famous artist (and there the Girl is a copy of me!) Either he deliberately, or checked me again! I swear I know that he addressed this to me. As a result, goodbye, the two of us in the elevator go up to the floor of the hotel, and horror, both of us have crazy thoughts and we say to each other - good night! BDSM of some kind!
All night I’m awake, all night creeping into my head ... thoughts of passionate sex, so real that I went crazy ...
The next morning - an offended look on his part, and ignore.
As a result, there were many such cases, and in the end, I left work!

A year passed, I divorced, and again he is in my head! And he got married, I found out, of course, congratulated! He answered in his manner with restraint - thanks! And again the same thing! Again, he does not allow me to live in peace, I know so many men, I communicate with so many, but this person is something! It does not give me rest.
He creeps into my dreams at night, and all the same picture - sex sex sex. I'll die soon, it seems to me!
And I feel with all my heart - that this will be, there must be an end to this.
What is it? What kind of connection do I feel with him ?? A million men in the world - I am drawn only to him, no matter where he is, with whom he is - I feel him completely, not seeing him and not hearing.
I live a full eventful life, I have children, work, sports and communication with people, but HE, not being nearby, always creeps into my life and my dreams! Very often dreams.
Maybe I have problems with my head?

Marianna, Moscow, 29 years old

The answer of the family psychologist:

Hello, Marianne.

I think you are categorical about problems with the head)) Let's try to isolate the essence. You are 29 years old, the heyday of sexuality begins. The husband, apparently, did not give enough affection, warmth, passion, if it was at all, died away, or maybe it was not there to the extent that you are capable of it at all. And this has all opened recently. The need for quality sex has become very acute. Why you reacted specifically to this person is hard to say without understanding this story in more detail. You contacted him on an external level (the external does not mean only the figure and face, the external is all that you managed to find out about him, while being at a very great distance, because the person’s personality, as it is, has remained hidden) , and on this external level, he apparently met some of your global needs regarding men. Conventionally, a suitable appearance, manner, behavior, image, style, some elements of chemistry (smell, tactile sensations) - all this overlapped with the inner need for high-quality sex and the internal fantasy ideas about the "dream man". And such a passion turned out. Partly to a real person, partly to fiction. For the rest, the picture is similar to emotional dependence. Conditionally, I will assume that you yourself were not able in your life to create the level of emotions you need (and, apparently, quite high). And then, men are presented (unconsciously, perhaps) with such an internal demand - to provoke such transcendental, tearing to pieces emotions. But such a coincidence of all factors can no longer be achieved again. And it turns out the following: "I myself do not know how to get such strong emotions, and other men are not so impressive, and I want it to be like this - to faint and to trembling." And here, alas, there may be a dead end. Because passion, by and large, does not depend on the object. It “plays a role”, yes, but the potential itself lies in you. And only you yourself can manage this in the long run. And if you think that only he alone can cause such sensations - this is a direct path to dependence and endless suffering. Which you think you don’t want. The way out is 1) to acknowledge your need for very strong emotions; 2) look for ways of how you yourself could at least give something from this set; 3) do not be afraid of experiments with some other men - because neither there, with this "dream man", nor in this reality, where you meet men more disposed to you, you do not know anything (yet) about their real personality. The requirement “so that it immediately turns on like that” is not always realistic. But if you know more closely how to know, perhaps that man would lose attractiveness for you as soon as you faced his unsightly sides (and, judging by your description of your relations of that period, there is something that can become very uncomfortable and unconstructive in potential relationships). And vice versa - another man, who at first would not cause such a strong passions, would open from a different, more attractive side ... I believe that it makes sense to build bridges with this reality, look at what is around you and try to find out at least someone closer, and not expect that immediately there will be an unearthly passion. And, apparently, to seriously deal with the issue of a rich emotional life. Because all the same, not a single person can give us everything that we need. Perhaps there are some other internal limitations that make just such men of your “inaccessible type” as attractive as possible, but this can only be made out in an individual format.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.

A PHOTO Getty images

“Many people believe that others know everything about them. This is a very common misconception. Others try to talk in hints and answer in monosyllables. Remember one old story about a reporter who was writing material about a very respectable nursing home? The director proudly drove him along the corridors, and suddenly the reporter heard how they said in the next room: "Number 35". Then a loud laugh came from there. The same thing continued in other rooms. But in one of the rooms someone shouted: "Number 11", and in response there was no sound. The reporter asked what was happening, and the director explained: these old people have been living together for so long that they know by heart all the jokes that they once exchanged. And in order not to waste extra energy, they numbered all the jokes and now just call the numbers instead of telling them again. “I understand that,” said the reporter, “and why didn’t anyone laugh at number 11?” To this, the director replied: “This poor guy just can't tell jokes at all.”

The communication trap is hidden under the assumption that it is not particularly important what words are pronounced, all the same everyone understands. This assumption allows the prediction of the thoughts of another person.

I recall one young man whose mother asked him to warn her whenever he was about to leave. He, in turn, tried to convince her that he had already done so. To prove this, he said: “You saw how I was stroking trousers, and you know that I never iron trousers if I’m not going to somewhere.”

One of the most common complaints about family members that clients contact me is: “I don’t know how he feels.” Ignorance creates a feeling of rejection. This leads to tension in relationships, especially family relationships. People tell me that they feel like they are on a desert island when they try to establish at least some kind of connection with that member of the family who does not express their feelings in any way.

Oddly enough, it is precisely those who complain about it that often experience very strong feelings. They do not even realize that they do not show them. It seems to them that they are as open to other people as they are to themselves. They reason like this: “She knows me. So she knows how I feel. ”

Virginia Satyr. Under What Laws Do Families Function? How is communication built in pairs or between parents and children? How to stop fawning, blaming, counting and eliminating in order to finally master balanced, confidential, open communication? The answers that the psychotherapist Virginia Satir tells us, everyone can get.

I can offer a small experiment that helps people better understand this difficult situation. I invite the two partners to discuss something and record their conversation on the camcorder. Then I show them this record and ask them to somehow react to what they see, and also compare their current reactions with those that they had during the conversation. When viewing a recording, many are surprised because they see on the tape those things that were not even expected during the conversation. I remember the ridiculous story that happened in the same family when the father sent his son to the pantry behind the board.

The boy was obedient. He wanted to please his father, and besides, he thought he knew what his father wanted from him.   He conscientiously went to the pantry and returned with a board that was substantially shorter than necessary. The father was terribly angry and accused his son of stupidity and distraction.

Father knew how long the board needed, but it didn’t even occur to him that his son did not know. He never thought about it and did not understand what was going on until we discussed the whole situation. Then only he realized that he had not told his son how long the board should be.

Here is another example. On Friday at 5.30 p.m., a sixteen-year-old son asked his father: “Dad, what are you doing tonight?”

Ted, the father, answered: "Take it."

Tom, son, said: "Now I do not need."

Ted said irritably, “Why did you ask me?”

Tom got angry: "What's the matter?"

What is this conversation about? Tom wanted to ask if his father was going to root for him tonight when he would play basketball. Tom did not ask his father directly, because he was afraid that he would refuse. Therefore, Tom spoke in hints.

Ted realized that Tom was hinting at something, but he thought it was about using the machine. Tom decided that his father just wants to get rid of him. Then Ted got angry at his son for his ingratitude. In short, the conversation ended in the fact that both father and son were furious. It seems to me that such misunderstandings too often occur between people.

The correctness of the pictures that confront the person’s inner eye regarding what they saw or heard can be verified using the description language, but not ratings. Many try to describe their condition, but it does not work out well, because they abuse the grades. For example, my “camera” reflects a dirty spot on the face of the interlocutor. If I use the description, I say: “Your face is dirty.” If I use the ratings, I will say in a different way: “Your face is untidy,” and this will cause a desire to defend oneself.   While in response to the first phrase we can feel only a slight discomfort.

If we avoid evaluations and confine ourselves to describing different feelings, we at least get offended openly, directly. We may not like what we hear, but we will understand each other.

Try the exercise. Tell your partner three truths about him and three truths about yourself. Do not forget that these truths are true only at the moment. Perhaps in the future they will become untrue. To focus on your own feelings, start each of your remarks with the words: “It seems to me that now you can say that you ...” If this statement of yours contains a negative meaning, find the right words. In my opinion, no relationship can bring true satisfaction until all their facets and aspects are frankly and honestly discussed.

There are many people who never express in words their disposition towards others. When they talk only about what they do not like, without emphasizing what causes satisfaction and recognition, tension and mutual hostility arise in the relationship.

Do the above exercise at least once a week. Among other things, it brings into the relationship very important ideas about communication. When you share your inner feelings with another person, you achieve two important goals: truly get to know him, and moving from misunderstanding to intimacy, bring into your relationship an element of trust, which we all constantly need.

If communication between partners develops ambiguously, each of them begins to feel insecure and tries to defend himself against the other. They begin to look for support and understanding somewhere on the side: at work, in relationships with children, with another sexual partner. When a colorless, lifeless relationship is established between a husband and wife, they become sad and bored with each other. Boredom leads to indifference, which is perhaps one of the most unpleasant human feelings and, of course, one of the most common reasons for divorce. I am convinced that any strong feelings, even feelings of danger, are better than boredom. "

For more details, see V. Satir “Communication in Psychotherapy” (Institute for General Humanitarian Research, 2008).

Question to the psychologist:

Hello. I am a boy. Met a girl. Already about 8 months old. About a month later, I was already able to confidently say that I love her and want to have a serious relationship. Everything was fine, but after a few weeks I had double feelings. Sometimes I felt that I loved her, and sometimes I generally felt that she was a stranger to me. And I was not interested in communicating with her, and I stopped feeling love. She loves me very much, of which I am sure. And he does everything so that we can improve relations. I don’t like virtual conversations at all, so I talked very little on the phone. Met 2 3 times a month, I have a busy schedule, but roughly speaking it was too lazy to meet. But when I met, I didn’t want her to leave, and despite the fact that I had a job, we said goodbye only when it was time for her to go home. I told her as is. And she said that she felt that sometimes I was somehow different. They wanted to continue so hoping that everything would work out. But nothing has changed, and I decided to leave already. I just thought that this was probably not the right person, and I myself felt uneasy for the fact that she always loves me, and I "sometimes". She is a very nice girl. I do not want to offend her further. I see that she also does not like it when I am cold. But what to do, I can’t force myself to pretend to be my whole life. Therefore, I treat everything sincerely. So they just broke up. I feel very bad too. She asked if I wanted her in my life, and I answered no. It was very difficult to say. But I think this can not be further. Now I really want to see her, hug her and say that I love her, bring her back. But I know that in 2 days everything will be as before, love will disappear again. Once they tried to disperse, but could not, could not let go of her hands, although I myself decided that we should part. Therefore, he did not say anything, and she left. I want to always feel for her what I feel now. Love, miss, never let go. I don’t know what to do, why it all turns out, how to solve it. Help me please. Thanks in advance!

The psychologist Kryzhanovskaya Oksana Alexandrovna answers the question.

Hello Feqan!

From your letter it seemed to me that you understand love and love as one and the same. But actually it is not. Falling in love is a vivid feeling when you really want to see a loved one, when you are bored and do not want to part with him. And love is primarily responsibility. Confidence that you can be with this person all your life, no matter what happens.

Falling in love tends to end sooner or later. And love, on the contrary, comes with time. And perhaps this is what happened in your relationship with the girl. Love has passed, but love has not come yet ...

I agree that you absolutely do not need to pretend to be a lifetime. But before finally parting, try to figure out your feelings. Because, as I understand it, you have feelings for her, and you consider her a good girl. If there is definitely no love, then there is none; one cannot be mistaken here. And you miss her, worry, think about her ...

Perhaps you yourself are a closed person and not too emotional. Therefore, your feelings for the girl are changing - they are, then they are not. And it happens, and this does not mean at all that you do not love her at all. And the fact that you are not yet ready to make a decision to be with her all your life does not mean that there is no love at all ...

You feel what you feel, and you cannot make yourself feel differently. But in any relationship there is a law that the more you invest, the more you get in return. The more we do good for a loved one, the stronger becomes attachment to him. Try to check it, and perhaps your feelings will open to you from a new perspective.