Shy child. Shy child consultation on the topic. How to help your child if he is overly shy

Excessive shyness indicates that the child has low self-esteem. And although he does not realize this, he feels great. Helping such a baby is to increase confidence in their own actions and deeds. And here the main principle will be - do no harm! The wrong words and methods will only make the situation worse.

Is it worth paying attention?

On the one hand, modesty gives the girl some charm. A shy kid is not annoying, stubborn, or arrogant. They are sympathetic and benevolent people, they will always listen, come to the rescue. Modest girls and guys make true friends.

On the other hand, it can be a disaster when a child is not able to communicate normally with children, play with them, and make friends. New people and surroundings scare him. The kid is worried, but he cannot help himself.

These small problems grow into huge ones in the future. Shy people are often lonely, it is difficult for them to find a second half and start a family. Because of their shyness and constraint, they are invisible and unsuccessful.

Man is a social being. He cannot live outside of society. And the responsibility of adults is to help such a child. That is, to teach how to interact with people. And it is better to start doing this in early childhood.

Psychology: Shy kids

Shyness, indecision in modern life, if not a flaw, then certainly a character trait that interferes in many ways. Where does excessive shyness come from in children, and how can we help the child?

Signs of shyness

It is easy to distinguish a shy child from the crowd. While visiting, he does not leave his mother, hides behind her back, silent. Where all the children play, this kid sits quietly on the sidelines and watches sadly.

Common signs. Rapid pulse, muscle tension, profuse sweating, bright blush are the first symptoms. They fetter the baby, do not allow him to relax. As a result, the child feels severe discomfort. Added to this is a low voice, excessive excitement if noticed. The kid is careful in his actions. It's easier for him not to do it at all in order to remain invisible.
Self-criticism. Such children are overly demanding of their own person. They consider themselves to be worse than others, inferior. This applies to both appearance and behavior. As a result, the complexes move further away from people.
Closure. Closed children in any team. It is difficult to draw them out for conversation or involve them in social activities. When asked, they try to remain silent, preferring loneliness to cheerful games.
Shyness. Any child will be happy when he is praised, but not this kid. It is easier for him to remain in the shadows than to receive a portion of a little attention. Public praise is stressful for him.
Shyness. Fear of novelty and the public. New people, places, any unfamiliar situation. The kid is trying to get away from her, to hide. He only feels calm in a familiar environment.
Indecision. It is difficult for such a child to make decisions. He feels insecure about his own actions and thoughts. He is tormented by doubts whether he is doing it right or not. Even small tasks pose huge challenges.
Violation of speech. These children in ordinary life are uncommunicative, they do not talk with strangers - they are shy. Public speaking is contraindicated for them. Fear and anxiety can lead to stuttering, stuttering in speech.

Where does shyness come from?

To help a child overcome excessive modesty and insecurity, you need to know the reason for its origin. Sometimes, having eliminated the source, the problem itself disappears.

Heredity. If in a family close relatives, including parents, suffered from shyness, the baby could inherit this quality.
By virtue of temperament. Phlegmatic and melancholic people are naturally prone to shyness. These types of temperaments are also introverted. That is, they are focused not on external communication with the people around them, but on their inner world.
An example of parents. Children learn to interact with society by repeating the behavior of adults. If any of the relatives in the family possesses this quality, the child could copy it.
Upbringing. Sometimes parents themselves, without knowing it, bring up shyness in the baby. Criticism, frequent punishment, prohibitions without explanation form a certain behavior of the child. He tries to meet the expectations of adults.
Cruelty. When the family is in a bad situation, there is psychological pressure, tyranny or assault, the baby closes down, grows shy and squeezed.
Long-term isolation. In other words, lack of experience. This occurs when the child is often sick and sits at home. The reason may be the closed family policy of the family. Parents devoted little time to the baby's communication with other children.
Hyper-care. As a kind of special (intentional) isolation. This is excessive custody of the child by his family and friends. Occurs in overly anxious and suspicious parents. Fearing for the baby's health, or that he may be offended, adults deliberately do not allow contact with strangers. It is typical for parents suffering from overprotection to keep their children in "home confinement".

Shy child: a future loser?

How can I help my child?

The kid cannot cope with this task on his own. And in the future, a small problem can turn into a big tragedy. What should parents do?

Praise. Encourage and encourage the child verbally: "You will succeed!", "You are so clever!", "I am proud of you!" Do this as often as possible. When a toddler feels supported by a loving parent, it builds confidence.
Demonstrate how important it is. Ask your child's opinion on a particular issue. When choosing clothes, any purchases for the house, a surprise for dad, grandmother. Let the baby feel that he is being considered, that his opinion is important. Thus, children's self-esteem grows.
Show that adults are wrong too. And there is nothing wrong with that. Parental authority is of great importance to a baby. Seeing that even adults make mistakes, the child will react differently to their own failures. Teach him not to dwell on mistakes, but to try to correct them.
Train playfully. Children try on social roles through play. Hone your skills of interaction with society in story games: "On a visit", "At the clinic", "Bus", "Toys go to kindergarten." A child without fear and anxiety can try himself in any way. Here you can rehearse the use of polite words, how to get to know yourself correctly, the rules of behavior in public places, and more.
Give errands. Simple tasks that the kid can do on their own. Start with the simplest ones: give money to the seller at the checkout, give the item to an adult, help collect the necessary groceries in the store. And be sure to praise.
Visit crowded places. Being in places of congestion of children, the child gets used to being in society. In addition, he sees patterns of behavior of other kids: how they communicate, get to know each other, interact. There is no need to insist on playing with the children, let him watch. Over time, he himself will become interested in trying. But you need to visit such places often.
Invite children to visit. The child feels more confident on his own territory. Here he is the master, here everything is familiar to him. It is easier for a kid to decide on contact with people surrounded by familiar surroundings and toys.

"Advice from a child psychologist" How to overcome shyness in children?

Parents' mistakes

A timid, modest child is easily hurt. He closes himself off from others, but hears and understands everything. Sometimes relatives and friends themselves, without realizing it, provoke his shy behavior.

The desire to remake the child. Adults deliberately create situations that the baby is afraid of the most. They focus on the problem, discuss it aloud, ask to tell the rhyme to the public. For a shy baby, it's stressful. The effect will be the opposite of what was expected. The child will close even more and stop trusting his parents.
Pay no attention."He's like that!" or "Grow up, he will change himself!" Ignoring is also a mistake. The situation will not change itself. This will develop into a complex that he cannot cope with on his own. A kid can remain shy, lonely and unhappy for life.
Expectation of a quick effect. Even observing all the rules and precautions, do not expect a quick result. The child needs time. In each case individually. Don't force things. Create conditions, encourage the slightest achievement and his first independent attempts. Be a friend to your child!

Mom's school. Shy child. How to cultivate self-confidence in him and teach him to stand up for himself?

Shyness is one of the most difficult and common interpersonal problems. It gives rise to a number of very significant difficulties in relations with people. Shy people find it difficult to get to know each other, in the course of communication they experience negative emotional states, have difficulties in expressing their opinions, are distinguished by excessive restraint, do not know how to present themselves, are constrained in the company of people, etc.

Like most psychological problems, this trait has its roots in childhood. According to the conducted observations, in many children shyness appears already at the age of three, and all preschool childhood can persist. Almost all of the kids who were shy at the age of three retained this quality until school. The severity of shyness during the preschool period undergoes changes. In the younger preschool age, it manifests itself the weakest, in the fifth year of life it sharply increases and again decreases to seven. In the fifth year of life, the increase in shyness has the character of an age-related phenomenon. Having appeared during this period, this quality can remain a stable personality trait, overshadowing and complicating a person's life. It is imperative to recognize this trait in time and stop its development.

In shy children, the behavior, as a rule, reflects the struggle of opposite tendencies: on the one hand, the child wants to approach an adult stranger, and even begins to move towards him, however, as he approaches, the steps slow down and the child stops, bypasses the person or comes back. This behavior is called ambivalent.

During communication with strangers or when meeting new circumstances, the child experiences acute emotional discomfort. Its signs are manifested in insecurity, timidity, tension, expression of fear or anxiety. Children are afraid of any public speaking, they are afraid even of the need to answer questions from a teacher or teacher in the classroom.

These features can be easily seen by observing the behavior of the child. Children who show them too often, especially in safe situations, are classified as shy.

The analysis shows that such children are distinguished by a high sensitivity to the assessment of an adult (both expected and real). Shy children have a heightened expectation of evaluation and perception. Luck calms and inspires them, but the slightest remark causes a slowdown in activity and a new surge of embarrassment and timidity. The child behaves extremely shy in those situations in which he expects failure. In cases of difficulty, he hesitantly looks into the eyes of an adult, hesitating to ask for help. From time to time, overcoming internal tension, he shyly smiles, shivers slightly and quietly says: "It doesn't work." He is simultaneously unsure of a positive assessment of an adult and the correctness of his own actions. Shyness manifests itself in the desire to attract attention on the one hand and the fear of being in the center of attention, to stand out among peers, on the other. This feature is very clearly manifested at the first meeting of a child with an adult, as well as at the beginning of joint activities.

All difficulties in a child's communication with other people are closely related to the perception of the attitude of others and his attitude towards himself. The expectation of a critical attitude from adults determines his embarrassment and shyness. This is especially noticeable when communicating with unfamiliar or unfamiliar people, whose attitude towards him is unknown. Not daring to openly receive support, children resort to a very peculiar way of strengthening their I, bringing with them to the lesson their favorite toy, which they hold to themselves in case of difficulty. Uncertainty about the adult's assessment practically paralyzes the child; therefore, he is trying with all his might to avoid this situation, or to divert the attention of the interlocutor to something else.

It should be noted that the level of mental development of such children is in no way inferior to their peers. Shy kids often do better than shy kids. However, in the case of a negative assessment or failure to achieve the result, they are less persistent. These children are characterized by an extremely acute experience of an adult's assessment, especially if it is negative, often paralyzing both communication and the child's practical activity. A shy child in such a situation rushes to an active search for mistakes and tries to attract the attention of an adult, while a shy preschooler lowers his eyes, externally and internally shrinks, feeling guilty for ineptitude, and does not dare to seek help.

Summarize. A shy child, seeks to communicate with other people, is kind to them, on the one hand. While on the other, he does not dare to express his needs and himself. The reason for such violations lies in the nature of the child's attitude to himself. The child has a fairly high self-esteem, considers himself to be very good, and at the same time doubts the benevolent attitude of others, especially strangers. The uncertainty of a shy child blocks his initiative, makes it impossible to satisfy the existing needs for full communication and joint activities in full.

He's too worried. Increased anxiety often obscures content and communication and collaborative activities. Respect and recognition act as the main ones, overshadowing business and cognitive interests, hindering the realization of abilities and communication. The painful experience of his own I, of his vulnerability constantly fetters the child, not giving him the opportunity to express his feelings, to openly show his, often excellent, abilities. However, in situations where a child is distracted and “forgets about himself,” he is just as sociable and open as his shy peers.

At home, your baby, it seems, never stops talking and all his actions are accompanied by chatter. But as soon as he finds himself in a new environment, for example, on a playground where there are many unfamiliar children, he turns into the most shy child in the world, hides behind your legs and refuses to go out.

Many parents think it's not so bad to have a shy child. A little shyness is unlikely to interfere with a child, but in a more pronounced version, it negatively affects his desire, narrows his circle of friends and can even have a bad effect on performance in elementary school.

Bernardo Carducci, a physician and author of books on shyness, claims that some people start using alcohol and drugs to cope with their shyness. There is another frightening consequence of "untreated" constraint - such children become easy prey for hooligans among their peers.

How to distinguish common caution from painful withdrawal at an early age?

How to distinguish healthy from unhealthy shyness?

Shyness is a mental state caused by self-doubt or lack of social skills. But at the same time, shyness is a natural stage of development: it is a method of adapting to new situations.

In childhood, each person experiences two phases of fear of strangers: the first - at six months and the second - from two to four years. These processes are associated with the recognition and differentiation of oneself, people and the rest of the world.

But there are times when shyness becomes a problem. Such children, according to doctors, have other behavioral problems. And if you watch them, you will notice the frequent neighbors of shyness.

If you notice that your child is showing signs of unhealthy shyness, then I the Parent recommends that you take some time to do so. Below are seven guidelines on how to do this.

1. Prepare your child for conversation

Let's consider a situation in which you suddenly meet an old friend in a store who does not yet know your little one. And in response to questions, the child is silent and looks at the floor.

How can a child be helped in such a situation? Talk to a friend for a while before introducing them. Let the baby see that you are comfortable with this person. This will calm him down and he will be ready to speak. But if the child refuses, do not insist, after the store ask why he was uncomfortable.

Practice your dialogues. Together with your child, make a list of expressions that the child can use in conversation with peers, caregivers or teachers, your friends, family members. Then rehearse the dialogues: switch roles until the child feels confident and communicates with you independently and freely.

Another awkward situation can happen on the playground. You go there once and don't see a single familiar face. And your kid is embarrassed to make friends with other guys.

What can you do in such a situation? Encourage your toddler to help other children with their play, such as offering them your toy. Also, a few compliments made by you towards the guys can help to relax.

3. Prepare your child in advance for noisy holidays

Before the holidays or other noisy events in kindergarten or at home, tell your child what will happen at the party, who is invited, what will be done.

Philip Zimbardo, a well-known psychologist who studies childhood shyness, in his recent book, recommends that parents of shy toddlers find younger friends for them. This helps children to feel free, because communication with a younger child makes them feel the leadership and responsibility that timid children need so much. After that, the child will be able to communicate more confidently with peers.

4. Observe yourself

A common cause of children's shyness lies in the behavior of parents: criticism, public shaming, excessive control over every step of the child. At the same time, this behavior is not balanced by manifestations and praise.

Observe yourself and think about how you can change your attitude towards your child to help him relax.

5. Don't give conflicting commands

When a kid hears at the same time “leave me alone,” “where did you go,” “don’t climb,” “come to me,” and the like, he does not understand what he needs to do to make mom and dad happy, and closes in on himself.

6. Do not discuss your child's behavior with other people.

Don't emphasize the child's shyness. Do not discuss the child with family and friends in his presence. Show empathy for his problems, don't ignore his fears.

7. Give your child "household" tasks

Be sure to help your toddler work shyly in daily activities: have him answer the phone, order his own food at the restaurant, and pay at the store.

8. Teach your child to thank

Teaching your toddler to say thank you and say please is an old and proven way of teaching communication.

Don't worry too much: most children go through a "shy" period by the age of seven, especially if they see how relaxed their parents are in the company. Make sure your kids see you as a socially successful person, and try to match this example whenever possible.

Alexandra Kozlova

Most often, shyness is a hereditary trait, however, if it does not affect the quality of life of the baby, it should not be considered a problem. As you gain experience of communication, shyness may gradually disappear, however, parents need to help the baby and teach the child not to be shy.

At the end of the article, we have prepared for you a checklist "Children's complexes: reasons and methods of struggle". Download it and learn how to help your baby get rid of psychological problems.

How to overcome shyness and insecurity in a child

Never shame your child for being shy. If the baby is hiding behind your back in the presence of strangers or children, do not blame him for this, and even more so, do not make excuses in front of others. This behavior of the baby is normal. Do not leave your child alone with strangers. Your task is to help him overcome his shyness and learn to find a common language with strangers. It is very important for a kid to understand that he is not alone and has no reason to be alarmed. Engage him in conversations, reach out to him and ask for his opinion. Be close to your child, just hold the hand so that he can overcome his shyness and establish contact with other people.

If a child is embarrassed to communicate with peers on the playground, do not push him to contact and do not leave him alone. Just take your hand, lead it to other children and start talking to them. Smarter toddlers will keep the conversation going and be able to involve your child as well. Gradually, the baby will get used to communication and find friends.

Prepare your child for communication. You can even arrange a rehearsal if you have to go on a visit, to a new playground or to a kindergarten. In a playful way, work through situations that may arise, discuss them with your child. Talk over possible options for different situations, discuss his actions, prepare for new events so that the baby is less afraid of the future.

Do not scold your child if something goes wrong. Don't focus on failure. They need to be pronounced, discussed, and a way to solve the problem must be looked for. Do not compare the crumb with other children, saying that someone is better than him at a task. Strengthen your baby's faith in yourself.

Shyness is usually hereditary. If you have experienced similar problems, tell your baby about it. Share with him your experience overcoming similar difficulties. Telling your stories will help your child become more confident and reduce anxiety levels. Tell us that it is normal to feel embarrassed, and every person has experienced this feeling at least once.

More often invite other people, your friends and friends with children. Arrange children's parties, etc. This way the baby will receive a lot of positive emotions and will be able to overcome insecurity and shyness. Add variety to your life. Visit more public places, playgrounds, theaters. Enroll your child in a section or dance.

If a child is embarrassed to say hello, do not scold him for it. It is better to show by your example that there is nothing special and scary in this. Greet neighbors, shop assistants and other public places with your child more often. So you will not only help him get rid of shyness, but also teach him basic politeness.

Shyness is more prone to introverts. Often such children are very talented, they can easily master a computer, have the ability to draw, write poetry or stories. However, shyness often prevents them from fully revealing themselves. Your task is before communication, as well as to fully reveal your abilities.

Have you encountered signs of shyness in your child? How do you help him overcome excessive shyness?

Download the checklist "Children's complexes: reasons and methods of struggle"

"Here Vanechka is an excellent student, and you can never do that ...", "Move aside and don't even try, I'll do everything right myself ...." in children, these are their parents. Download the checklist and find out how to help your baby get rid of imposed complexes

One of the basic human needs is communication. What is natural for most children becomes a problem. For a shy child, the need to communicate is stressful. Asking for help, asking the time, meeting a new person cause awkwardness and discomfort.

Causes of children's shyness

In the period of development up to three years, most children are shy, this is not just shyness, but a child's defensive reaction to the world around him.

During this period, children may be afraid of the unknown, hide, run away, or simply refuse to communicate with strangers. This situation should not worry the parents. This is fine. Having studied the psychology of shy children over the age of three, there are several main reasons for shyness.

Shyness at the genetic level

Experts believe that some children are prone to shyness from birth. The causal shyness can be a genetic predisposition.

That is, the child is shy by nature, these are not acquired qualities. Then there is no need to re-educate him, just adapt to life.

Low self-esteem

Often, shyness in a baby appears due to self-doubt. He is not sure of his abilities, he is afraid that he will do badly, he is afraid to hear criticism in his address. The main thing here is to give the child to believe in himself and his abilities.

Overprotective parents

If parents show excessive guardianship in relation to the child and protect him from any contact, this leads to the fact that he grows up a closed person who does not know how to communicate with people. Such children grow up weak-willed and helpless, unable to stand up for themselves.

Family influence

It happens that parents themselves are timid and uncommunicative people. Looking at them, the child grows up as a quiet and self-contained person.

Excessive criticism

Many parents are often demanding of their children, criticize for any reason, find flaws in any actions. And then they ask themselves why the child is so shy. One inadvertently thrown phrase or joke on the part of not only parents, but also absolutely strangers can become a trauma for the rest of your life.

A child, before doing something, will think for a long time and hesitate, as a result, he may either not decide at all on any action or be late with a decision. Such a result will cause a wave of new fears and complexes.

All parents want the best for their child. They want him to grow up to be a successful, self-confident person. And if the kid grows up quiet and shy, he needs a little help to believe in himself. Children cannot cope with this problem on their own. The goal of the parents is to help them.

Tell your child about your shyness and how you can deal with it. Share positive examples from your life.

Try to put yourself in the baby's shoes, show participation in his problems. This will help the child feel supported behind his back and become more confident.

Do not criticize in any way, do not set yourself up for defeat in advance. This will sow more doubts. Better help to believe in yourself, set yourself up for success.

Teach your kid to treat any situation with humor, even to his own failures.

Help your child find positive aspects of communication. Teach him to be friends. Encourage attempts to get to know people, ask children to play, and make a purchase in a store on your own.

Try to consider with your child the situations in which he is afraid to be. Practice what to say or do on a case-by-case basis.

Do not overestimate the requirements, set feasible goals for the child: tell a verse in front of an audience, ask for directions from a passer-by.

Praise him, even for small accomplishments. This will boost his self-confidence.

Never scold him in front of strangers. This will further lower your self-esteem.

How to liberate a shy child

A shy child needs to be liberated. Make you believe in yourself. The first step is to teach the kid to love and respect himself, to develop self-esteem. Then he will not dwell on mistakes, past failures and react so sharply to comments addressed to him.

Most adults consider shyness to be a disadvantage and find a lot of negative sides.

But you can find positive aspects:

Shy children are soft, calm, balanced.
They are kind to people and animals.
They rarely come into conflicts or try to extinguish them at the initial stage.
They act on the principle: do not act with others the way you do not want to be treated with you.
They have more developed imagination and fantasy.

After reading this article, you now know what to do if your child is shy. The main thing is not to overdo it, nor to go to the extreme, when he will hide his shyness behind aggression.