Reasons why we choose the wrong partners and end up in unhappy relationships. Why women are unhappy in relationships

Making the decision to end a marriage can be scary enough. There is a fear of loneliness, the future becomes uncertain, so many prefer to endure the average relationship, agreeing with dissatisfaction. You shouldn't do that. If you stay in an unsuccessful marriage, it can affect your psychological and emotional state in the future. Therapists and researchers have found that an unhappy union leads to low self-esteem, causes problems with anxiety and depression, and impairs health. That being said, divorce can help you recover emotionally. Believe me, you will find a new relationship - according to statistics, eighty-five percent of divorced people find a partner within five years. So, if you notice these signs in your family, you should consider whether you really need such a union.

you don't have sex

One of warning signs unsuccessful marriage is the complete lack of intimate contact. If you have sex less than ten times a year, your relationship suffers: sex is what separates a romantic relationship from all others. When intimacy disappears, this is a reason to think. If you're not kissing or hugging, that could be a warning sign too.

You have nothing to talk about

You don't feel close

You can be in the same room, one with a laptop, the other in front of the TV - you have no contact with each other. When you are together, you seem to be alone and still continue to do your own thing. This is a sign of a lack of communication between partners.

you ignore your intuition

Often, our instincts immediately tell us when a relationship is not working out, but not everyone is ready to listen to this voice. We ignore these signals because it is a quiet and calm voice, not at all like the one that lives in thoughts and feeds on bright emotions. We are usually guided by logic, not feelings, so that doubts about love for a partner do not find a response. Listen to what's in your heart. If you no longer want to be near your chosen one, there may be a reason for this.

You are preoccupied with the needs and desires of other people

Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put other people's needs ahead of their own. For women, the role of a caring partner is characteristic, but excessive efforts of this kind force us to forget about our own desires. If you no longer feel your own aspirations, you should reflect on the current situation.

The distance between you keeps growing

Consider how long the situation has been negative and whether your situation is getting worse. Almost everyone experiences difficult moments, however, if the problem lasts for several years and it is difficult to imagine a way out of it, you should seek help from a professional. Do this as soon as possible, otherwise the relationship will not be saved later. The average couple waits about six years from the moment they first notice a problem to the moment they decide to tackle it. Often it is already too late, the marriage is broken, and it is impossible to save it. Try to start moving towards problem solving as soon as possible.

Can you imagine life without your partner?

If you often imagine a happy future without a partner, something is probably wrong in your marriage. This is a sign of a process of emotional alienation as you begin to subconsciously prepare for a breakup. If you fantasize about cheating or make your own plans for the future without including your partner, your love is dead. Listen to your emotions and decide if you need to work on the relationship or if it's better to end it.

you stopped fighting

If you no longer have any disputes, but you do not feel close, this is a sign of a critical situation. If a couple does not talk about controversial issues, partners do not share their point of view, this means that the relationship is in a critical state. Unresolved conflicts can make you feel like love has disappeared. If there are no disputes, it is up to you to decide whether you want to try to work on relationships or you no longer see the point in this.

Do you have major problems?

There are four types of behavior that destroy relationships. The first is constant criticism, the second is the constant position of protection and refusal to bear responsibility. The third is contempt and the manner of insulting a partner, and the fourth is a tendency to emotionally shut down. If you have one or more of these traits, things will be especially difficult.

You don't listen to each other

If you don't pay attention to your partner and it doesn't seem to you that he listens to you, this is a serious problem. The ability to listen is the most important tool for conflict resolution, and its absence can lead to divorce.

You are on the verge of betrayal

Thanks to modern technologies finding a new partner becomes easier. If you start flirting online, you should think about the state of your relationship.

You communicate with friends, not with a partner

If with joy or sorrow you go to friends, and not to the chosen one - this clear sign that you are not too happy. Research has confirmed that in happy union partners support each other.

You don't spend time together

If, after returning from work, each of you immediately begins to go about your own business, if you are always immersed in your own interests, it seems that there is simply no point in maintaining relationships further.

You don't date

Can't remember the last time you went on a date? Are you planning anything together? Try going to restaurants or movies again to rekindle the spark in your relationship.

Your partner is no longer your priority

Marriage is a sign that you consider your spouse to be your closest person. If your partner is no longer on your priority list, you should seriously consider the state of your relationship.

One way or another, most women are never completely satisfied with themselves and their lives. Beauties want to be appreciated for their spiritual qualities, young girls want to become married, married - more independent. Mothers of sons dream of a daughter, careerists dream of family happiness.

The same is true in relationships. Those who have a lover, certainly want to change him. It always seems to girls that if their partner were different - richer, older, younger, more experienced, more interesting (and so on, the list is endless), they would certainly feel happier. What really makes a woman unhappy in a relationship, and how can you fix it?

A woman always wants more

There is no limit to perfection. There is always something to strive for. You can always have another baby, buy another dress, get another promotion. There are many places in the world where you have not yet been, activities that you have never done, people that you do not know.

Regarding their desires, women are completely insatiable. This thirst for more, the thirst for something else, sometimes poisons their lives much more than what they actually have. Women manage to yearn for some other life unknown to them, even when they seem to be completely satisfied with what they have here and now.

The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish

Remember main character? No, I'm not talking about a fish granting the wishes of its captor. I'm talking about an old woman who was so intemperate in her desires that she ended up with nothing.

A sort of inner old woman lives in almost every woman. And on the one hand, it's good. Because it is women's desires that are the motor of a man's actions. That, for the sake of which, conquer the peaks, become someone.

A loving man is ready for his woman for much, if not all. Therefore, it is good when the desires of his woman are an incentive for him to move forward.

Do you know what your compatibility with a man is?

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However, it is precisely new and new desires that do not saturate the soul of a woman, but, on the contrary, devastate her, become the main source of negativity and unhappiness in her life.

Married mothers raising children dream of dizzying careers. Unmarried careerists - about family and children. Those who have a home and rear - about freedom, freedom - about attachments. The saying "You can not embrace the immensity" can not take root in the female mind.

It poisons not only the woman herself, but also the relationship in which she is.

Dissatisfaction with your man and its consequences

An amazing fact - at first a woman dreams of meeting a man with whom she can share her life path. The longer the search process takes, the more big amount she meets men, tries different relationships, gets to know men from different angles.

In the end, it would seem that she chooses the best. The one who approached her more than others. The one I'm sure of, the one I love. However, their relationship begins with the fact that she begins to actively change him or passionately desire him to change.

It seems that the same property of female nature works here. A woman wants to combine the incompatible in her man, and is completely unprepared to accept the fact that some spiritual qualities, character traits, behavioral lines simply cannot exist within the framework of one personality.

stone wall

For example, a woman chooses a strong, independent and powerful man. And then he tries to drive him "under the heel." She wants him to be strong and powerful somewhere else. Where it is implemented professionally, it earns money. For some reason, it seems to her that at home and with her he should behave differently.

And she demands sensitivity, tenderness and gentleness from him. That is, it requires him to become a completely different person at home. He expects that in relations with her he will begin to show those qualities that, in principle, are not characteristic of him.

Resentment, disappointment, anger. I didn't want that... Why did you choose him then?

Stay there - come here

An equally common situation is that from a man who earns money, they crave more attention to family and children. No, of course he should earn not less, but more year by year. But at the same time, contrive to do it in such a way as to be close to his wife and children.

Unwillingness to admit that it is almost impossible to combine a serious successful career and maximum involvement in the life of one's family drives a huge number of women crazy.

What to do?

Leave the endless desire to improve what is. Learn to feel satisfaction and gratitude for what you already have today. Because only in this case you will be able to get that very cherished, better tomorrow.

Acceptance and gratitude

Thank this world for what it gives you, look inside for a sense of calm and contentment with what you have. We are given what we deserve at this particular moment. What we want and what we strive for. If we worthily accept what we have already received, the way is opened for us to receive more.

Become the woman with whom it is good to be together. And you will get a partner next to whom you will feel good. Develop, discover new things, strive for the best, and the same will happen with the man who is next to you.

You don't have to give up on your desires, you just need to shift your focus from what you don't have to what you have already achieved. Rejoice in what life gives you at every moment, try to see opportunities in difficulties, not problems. Feeling happy, just like feeling unhappy, is a choice you can learn to make every day.

In this article, I want to look at ineffective behavioral strategies for women, which are largely unconscious, so they are not talked about much. By implementing these strategies over and over again, a woman begins to feel unsatisfied and unhappy in the relationships in which she is. We will consider them on the example of interaction with a man, but the range of their application, of course, is much wider. With parents, children, colleagues, girlfriends and so on.

People enter into relationships because they have specific needs that can only be fulfilled in interaction with others.

Therefore, the relationship between a man and a woman can be called happy in the case when both partners realize their needs in them at a sufficient level.

The level of satisfaction with something can be calculated by the formula:

Satisfaction = Reality - Expectations

If we take this formula in relation to one of the partners, then the simplest thing that he can influence 100% is expectations. This can be done by checking them for reality, by agreeing with the second partner.

This is how I would like it to be. How about you? Could you do this for me? Is this my expectation consistent with your goals and capabilities?

Unfortunately, few women think about what is really important for them in a relationship, and even fewer discuss them with a man. They just expect everything to work itself out. After all, "if he loves me, he will guess what I need." The reality is that a man cannot read a woman's thoughts and guess her desires. And her part of the responsibility is to convey her expectations (but not requirements) to a man.

Another feature of female behavior is to invest in relationships, to sacrifice something for the sake of a man, in the hope of earning the realization of her desires.

The relationship of people can be conditionally represented as two accounts, which each opens in the name of the second partner and periodically makes a contribution. At the same time, it is not forbidden to replenish your own account yourself. There is an unspoken agreement that these contributions should be approximately equal, so that everyone is interested in continuing the relationship. A woman, investing in a man, hopes that he will notice how much she has already contributed, and will want to contribute too. The difficulty is that the other person is not always able to assess what the investment cost to the partner. Especially if you don't talk about it.

In a long-term relationship, a man begins to perceive the efforts of a woman to make his life comfortable as the norm. He is accustomed to doing some things from time to time. big steps than every day a lot of small. And therefore, the female way of filling the account of a man can be underestimated. At this point, the woman makes another mistake.

The score is no longer in her favor, but she continues to donate, instead of taking care of herself or "presenting the man with a check for payment."

Because a woman is not used to taking care of herself. She was brought up in the tradition: "Take care of everyone and then someone will take care of you." This tradition has been passed down through generations. female, she never speaks out loud, but is absorbed with mother's milk. Therefore, the woman chooses the strategy of waiting for the man to guess that it is high time to make a deposit. But he doesn't realize.

When the difference in contributions exceeds her patience, she considers herself entitled:

To be offended and "pout" at a man, showing with all his appearance that it's time to pay the bill. But for a man, this difference and the degree of his "debt" is not obvious.

Get angry and complain.

Both strategies are manipulative. This is an attempt to replenish the relationship bank without an open conversation. Of course, an open conversation is dangerous in those couples where there is no trust in each other, where closeness and acceptance of the other is not established. If a woman speaks directly, she may be refused. Therefore, it acts either through resentment: "Guess for yourself what you were guilty of and correct it." Or through the presentation of claims and condemnation, so that, under the influence of guilt, the man wants to improve.

Unfortunately, both of these strategies are doomed to failure.

The most common reaction to insult is ignoring. A man, subconsciously feeling this silent manipulation, chooses a strategy of "never mind." It is easier for him to devalue the feelings of a woman:

Offended. I will not touch her - she will "depart" herself.

The most common reactions to accusations are "Look at yourself" or just silence so as not to inflate the conflict even more. The woman interprets this silence as indifference to her.

Why, time after time, does a woman choose these ineffective strategies instead of having an open and respectful conversation?

Because he is not aware of the structure of the situation and does not see his contribution to it. She is filled with righteous anger at the fact that she has invested so much in this relationship and receives so little from it.

The responsibility of the woman is that the situation develops in this way in the following:

1. It was she who endured to the last. Until it became impossible to endure and it became difficult for her to control her emotions.

And then the goal of conveying to the partner what does not suit her and getting a chance to satisfy her needs is replaced by the subconscious goal of "letting off steam". Which, of course, is not formulated consciously by a woman.

2. Habitual strategies learned from childhood - to respond through claims and grievances. Being in the power of emotions, the woman goes on the beaten track.

3. Fear of rejection if you speak directly about your needs. She hints and waits instead of an open conversation.

The paradox is that as a result, a woman just gets rejected from a man instead of meeting her needs.

However, this strategy is reinforced because at least one important goal is achieved. The scandal happened and the emotions partly came out. This makes it easier and the partner has the strength to endure for some more time. Until next time.

Over time, situations accumulate, conflict and misunderstanding grows. A woman feels that she is not appreciated, a man feels that he is constantly "sawed" and driven into a sense of guilt.

Partners are increasingly moving away from each other so as not to come into contact with painful emotions. If none of the partners change their strategy, they will move as far as possible and there will be disappointment in the relationship. There will be fewer deposits in them and more and more grievances. When negative emotions in a relationship they cross a certain internal limit of patience, people disperse.

What is the way out of this trap, which they fall into initially loving friend other people? I think that the main readers of this article are women, so the exit algorithm will be for them.

First- recognize your ineffective strategies.

Second- learn to voice your expectations, correlate them with reality. Don't wait until the end, start as soon as possible. Take the risk of speaking openly and, at the same time, respectfully.

Third- Learn to take care of yourself. If you learn to do this for yourself, it will be surprisingly easier for a man to take care of you. Because to please happy woman much nicer.

That's all. I hope this article was useful for you.

We are programmed to interact and develop relationships from the moment we are born, so it can seem easy to find the right partner for us. In fact, many people repeatedly make mistakes in choosing a partner and end up feeling unhappy in a relationship. It's easy for some to break up wrong relationships, but for others it's not so easy. Many stay with their partner even if they are unhappy and know that they have chosen the wrong life partner.

In psychotherapeutic practice, clients often ask the two most common questions: “Why do I always choose the wrong partner?” and "Why can't I end relationships that make me unhappy?" For these important and difficult questions can be answered only when we soberly assess the situation from the outside.

There are several reasons that motivate us to choose partners and explain why we remain in a dead end relationship. To understand what drives us and our inner subconscious, we must be ready to work on ourselves and mentally create the image of a partner that we need.

Let's take a look at some of the reasons why we end up in unhappy relationships and stay with the person we're unhappy with. One day we will understand why we took this or that step, what we were guided by, we will increase our self-esteem and consciously approach the issue of choosing a partner. This will help us form a healthy relationship with our life partner.

Reason #1

Fear We can all make choices out of fear: deciding whether to ask our boss for a raise, standing up to someone when we're angry, and very often staying in a relationship when we know it's not for us. Fear is one of the worst reasons, which we focus on when making a decision on choosing a partner. We start imagining various events: engagement, wedding, home and children. We'll leave the rest for later.

Fear tells us that it is better to stay with such a partner than to be alone. This fear haunts us, but belatedly we realize that it is too late to change something and start all over again. In our society, single, old parents are negatively treated. It is customary to condemn loneliness. However, what we should fear most is not judging our neighbors, but spending the rest of our lives with the wrong person. One solution to the problem of fear is to lean on it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, and be honest with ourselves about how we feel in a relationship right now. If you know you're staying with your partner because you're afraid to leave (for whatever reason), make sure you're unhappy now because you're afraid to be unhappy later.

Reason #2

You Don't Appreciate Yourself We all go through periods of feeling high and low. It is helpful to think of self-esteem as existing on a stream of consciousness that changes throughout our lives. However, in a relationship, nothing hinders the ability to have a true, mutual partnership more than persistently low self-esteem. This can cause you to sabotage a relationship or agree to a relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable. There are many good reasons why we do this.

However, there comes a point when we must make a choice: either we choose to value our own dignity or not. Your partner will not be able to fill this void. No relationship with anyone can ever compensate you for what you don't deserve. Depending on your life circumstances, the concept of self-esteem may not be felt. I understand, but it's possible. We need to start small and make a commitment to being kind to ourselves and appreciating ourselves, even if we think we don't deserve it. This process will take time and will change your life.

Reason #3

Societal pressure Let's just face the fact that society gives us terrible advice about our decision to choose a partner. We are told to trust fate, trust our intuition and hope for the best. We are told that we must find a life partner before we are "too old" who, depending on where you live, can be anywhere and be between 21 and 35 years old. This pressure forces many to settle for partners they know and make poor choices as a result.

Despite the strong pressure of society, remember that this is your life. Writer Tim Urban put it this way: “When you choose your life partner, you choose many things, including a parenting partner and someone who will be a major influence on your children, a eating companion of approximately 20,000 units of food, a travel companion of approximately for 100 vacations, the main leisure and retirement friend, the therapist of your career and someone you will hear about 18,000 times a day.”

Reason #4

You believe that your relationship will complete you There is a huge mistake that many people make when looking for a partner. This is the belief that romantic relationship is the key to happiness. It is not true. In fact, this attitude can actually sabotage your experience of finding a partner. And that's why. Other people may feel when you are worried about finding love. When you approach a relationship feeling empty inside, the people you date will feel it, and you won't feel good about them. You must be sure that the energy that you radiate will be transferred to another person with whom you will be in a relationship.

Relationships are your choice, not an absolute necessity. If you feel the need to find a relationship out of fear, then your whole energy can change from calm and collected to riddled with doubt and insecurity.

The truth is that only you can complete yourself, and by that I mean that the work of healing your own emptiness cannot be outsourced to our partners. This is a personal work that will follow you from one relationship to the next.

Many of us choose partners who help us stay in our comfort zone, even if that zone is smaller than we would like.

Reason #5

Acquaintance As human beings, we unconsciously reach out to acquaintances. The experience that makes us who we are influences our choice of partner. Many of us choose partners who help us stay in our comfort zone, even if that zone is smaller than we would like. For example, if our past was filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we will be drawn to situations in which we feel the same as adults. Imagine this situation: you may initially like someone whose attention makes you feel good, but as a result, you begin to notice that your partner is uncomfortable with you. This, in turn, creates in you the fear of rejection and you worry.

Your fear does not mean that you do not meet some requirements. In fact, it means that you are able to resist this belief and start acting on your own dignity. I want to encourage you to react differently next time you feel rejected in a relationship. If you are aware of the situation, ask yourself: “Does this suit me? Is this what I want in my relationship?" If the answer is no, it's time to act. If you feel unable to act on your own, seek help.

Reason #6

Are you attracted to the "wounded person" Are you attracted to people who are in a difficult situation? Do you want to help your partner change better side? If your answer is yes, then you can choose partners from "wounded personalities." The hurt personality is the part of you that feels inadequate or damaged, the part that makes you think you're flawed in some way and wonder if you're worth loving.

The patience, love, support that you provide to your partner is an unconscious desire for what you craved at the beginning of your relationship. This is unconsciously reflected in the psyche. You think that if you can make someone change, then you are attractive. Some people find it easier to focus their attention on how their partner needs to change because it allows them to avoid having to look for their "things". This is a great healing to be done when we choose partners from our unhealthy side. When we go down this path in our relationships, we actually deny ourselves and avoid deep needs. This is a recipe for unhappiness.

One of the deepest and most difficult aspects of relationships is that they give us the opportunity for personal growth if we let them. Every relationship you encounter in your life begins with lessons from which you learn what you need to develop in yourself. But at the same time, you must want to develop. And until you start doing this, you will continue to face the same relationship problems.

If we think of every relationship as an opportunity to explore where we're stuck or strive to work on some aspect of ourselves, then we'll put ourselves in a better position to choose healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Photo source: deposit photos
12 February 2016 I like: