The husband teaches all the time. What if a man “teaches life”? Systems thinking as a way to resolve conflicts

Cecil Osborn

Cecil Osborn

1. Show firmness of character and tenderness towards your wife

Every woman, regardless of her level of self-confidence, needs a man she can rely on, with whom she herself does not have to be the head. She needs a strong and at the same time gentle husband.

The Bible teaches husbands to treat their wives as "the weakest vessels." What is this “weakness”, because women live about eight years longer than men, get sick less, and according to statistics, infant mortality is higher among boys than among girls? Women are weaker than men and more vulnerable in the emotional sphere, they are easier to offend and offend, which is why a woman needs a combination of strength and tenderness from her husband. A man's tenderness is manifested in caring for his wife, respect for her, and strength is expressed in firmness of character, in a bold outlook on the future, when a man is not shy in the face of difficulties, but assures his wife: “Rely on me, we will overcome everything, everything will be fine ". A woman also expects from a man active actions in problem situations, she likes when he is able to make decisions and be responsible for them.

2. Constantly praise your wife.

Women are naturally less confident than men. This is partly due to the fact that the modern woman has too many responsibilities: everyday life, children, often full-time work, caring for elderly parents, etc. And since she is emotionally vulnerable, she, like air, needs constant words of approval and praise.

Almost every wife asks her husband, "Do you love me?" Not only on the eve of the wedding, but after five or ten years of marriage, the woman asks this question not because she suspected her husband of infidelity or felt his indifference, but to be convinced of his love again and again. She does not need "information", but confirmation.

Men are greatly annoyed by such a question: “Doesn't the fact that I bring my salary every month, spend every night with her, don't leave her at all, does it testify to my love for her? I said that on my wedding day! After all, I do not expect every day for praise from the boss, but simply try to do my job well. Why do women need this sentimentality? " Because they are arranged differently! Take it for granted and start praising your wife at every opportunity!

You might ask, "Isn't it hypocrisy to admire her actions when I don't feel what I'm saying?" No, noticing the good in people is not hypocrisy. Over time, you will find that the feelings correspond to the words and you will completely sincerely admire what and how your wife does.

3. Share areas of responsibility with her

In the relationship between spouses, there should be a division of responsibilities. Since both of you grew up and were brought up in different families, with different traditions, when you get married, you will encounter unexpected "antics" of each other. For example, in the wife's family, the father always threw out the garbage, and in the husband's family it was the mother's responsibility. How to be a new family? Often, disputes and even scandals arise between spouses on the smallest issues. Therefore, agree to create your own "traditions". It is better for newlyweds to abandon the example of their parents and start actively "adjusting" to each other, giving in and helping their spouse, and not defending their position.

Christian marriage is built on the fundamental principle: "A man will leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two will be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). Experience has shown that the most difficult part is the execution of the first part - "leave father and mother." It is not enough just to move from the parental home to a separate apartment, although this is also important. It is necessary to leave parental models at the emotional level and at the level of comparisons, because the girl wants to see the ideal features of the father in her chosen one, and the guy in his chosen one - the ideal features of the mother. Everyone has a tendency to compare spouses with their parents: “Mom always washed my clothes, but you don’t want to,” “My dad always bought groceries, and you force me to do it,” “Mom fed me soup every morning, and you offered me muesli with milk "," Dad collected cabinets and shelves himself, but you can't! "

Many small questions also arise: who will manage the money, decide where to go on vacation, call a plumber, take the children to school, wash the car, do the laundry ... In a marriage, there is a clash of “incompatible” interests of two different people - how to bring them in line? The selfish husband declares that he, as the head of the family, has the “last say” in both large and small matters. But this is the position of an extremely insecure person who, dominating his wife and children, is affirmed in the role of “head”. In this case, "headship" for him means the unconditional submission of family members.

However, the most reasonable solution is to let the one who understands it best have the right to "the last vote" in solving any issue.

The husband realizes himself, first of all, in work, and the wife - in the creation of home comfort. For a wife, the house is her "fortress", she spends more time in it than her husband (at least during maternity leave), cooks more often, therefore the kitchen is her "territory", and a wise husband will listen to his wife's wishes. home decoration. The choice of the color of the walls, the arrangement of furniture, the number of colors, etc., etc. - give the solution to these questions to a woman!

4. Don't criticize

A husband who constantly criticizes his wife will cause many negative consequences:

... The wife may become depressed.

... Negative emotions and stress can cause various physical illnesses in her.

... She can become angry, withdrawn, or frigid.

... Will cease to respect himself.

... He will pour out his pain and resentment on children.

... Decides to divorce.

Constant criticism is always destructive, but there is a positive way by which it is possible to make changes in the relationship. No communication is complete without criticism, but the less there is, the happier the marriage will be. We should not suppress our negative emotions, the main thing is to learn how to pour them out correctly. Here are two ways to express your dissatisfaction: “I'm tired of eating potatoes and sausages every day! Don't you have enough imagination? " Or: “Honey, you cook so well, I really like it! As a child, we constantly ate the same thing and I always dreamed that my wife would often cook different delicious things. I would really like this dream to come true! Could you do this for me? "

Thus, you will say what you would like to change, but without criticism. A marriage certificate does not give the right to offend a spouse.

5. Remember the importance of "little things"

Men, as a rule, are less sentimental than women, so they do not attach much importance to birthdays, anniversaries of various family events and all the "little things" that can be very important for women.

Many women love pleasant surprises. One woman confessed: “If I remind my husband about the approaching anniversary of our wedding, I will not be interested in celebrating this day with him. I'm tired of hinting to him every time that he has to do something special for me. "

Love is not only feelings, but also actions, so a husband who has forgotten about his wedding anniversary commits an “unforgivable” sin! New Year, March 8, birthdays of the wife and children - all these holidays should not be ignored.

For a man this may seem like something insignificant, uninteresting, but a woman will always appreciate it if you pay attention to her new hairstyle, write a love note and leave her in the mirror, invite her to a cafe ...

6. Don't ignore your wife's need to be with you.

Of course, no two people are alike, but in general, a woman more often wants to be close to a man than he wants to be with her. We are not talking here about an immature jealous wife who does not want to let her husband go anywhere and throws tantrums at him - such a wife needs the help of a psychologist, since her behavior is caused by a feeling of extreme self-doubt.

Some husbands like to spend their free time outside the house with their wife, others need a purely male company from time to time. A husband who values ​​the marriage relationship will not neglect his wife's need to be together. If the spouses have different hobbies, it is necessary to strive for a compromise. This does not mean that spouses should do absolutely everything together all their lives. But you should respect what your spouse needs and compromise. Only an immature person will demand that it always be the way he wants.

7. Do your best to make your wife feel safe.

A sense of security is one of the first needs of a woman in marriage, and a caring, gentle, attentive husband can fill it. There are different areas in which women need the understanding of their husbands. For example, for one woman, a sense of security comes when her husband does minor repairs around the house, helps her rearrange furniture, even if she likes frequent changes. Such a husband's concern for the house convinces his wife that she herself is not indifferent to him.

For another woman, this feeling arises if the husband is interested in her daily life. You may not be impressed by the details of her day at work, but listening to her stories is a way of expressing your love for her and thus reinforcing her sense of security.

Some women collect something like magazines, recipes, or houseplants. If your wife feels confident and reliable at the same time, do not criticize her hobby.

Some women save small savings. This may seem pointless to you, but it reinforces her sense of security. Feelings may be irrational, but that doesn't make them less real and valuable. Therefore, do not interfere with anything that gives your wife a sense of stability, unless, of course, the family budget suffers from this.

8. Treat your wife's mood swings with understanding and patience.

The mood changes in all people, without exception, but in women much more often than in men. This is partly due to her menstrual cycle. Sometimes the wife's behavior may seem inexplicable and reckless to her husband. But you need to realize that frequent mood swings are inherent in all women. Joyful moments in life can make your wife very happy, and sad moments can make her depressed. You may want everything to be smooth and calm in your marriage, but your wife behaves differently. How to deal with such situations? Don't give in to her mood, be balanced. After all, maybe she married you because on a subconscious level she wanted to be as emotionally stable as you. You can become a reliable support for your wife, because you are not subject to such mood swings as hers. So don't panic when this happens to your wife. Be kind and patient. Do not blame yourself and, on the other hand, do not try to criticize her and urge her to stop acting like a moody child.

9. Encourage your wife in her efforts to improve your marriage.

As a rule, if women are not satisfied with something in marriage, they turn to books, psychologists and clergy for help. They want to make positive changes, and this hurts the pride of many men, and they resist such attempts by their wives. Such a husband will most likely refuse to read the article on parenting offered by his wife, as he will perceive it as criticism. But heed my advice: read this article! What have you got to lose? You may even learn something! ..

The wedding ceremony does not provide newlyweds with the necessary knowledge for married life. We all need to learn the art of family relationships. Any husband is able to read a couple of dozen books on this topic, as a result of which he will certainly become more experienced in matters of family life. If your wife asks to go to a family conference, seminar, or a conversation with a psychologist, do not neglect her suggestions. But, if, in his stubbornness and pride, the husband rejects any ideas on how to improve the marriage, then let him not be surprised when the wife simply leaves him. Therefore, donate your time, do not be stubborn and create a happy marriage with your wife. Do not be content with what you have and do not tell her that she is asking too much of you.

10. Get to know her individual needs and make an effort to meet them.

No two wives are alike. The one you married is different from all other women. At first glance, her needs may seem endless or irrational to you, and you decide that you will never be able to satisfy all of them. But it's worth trying at least to find out what your wife needs, what she wants, what she loves. Then try to meet those needs as best you can. This does not mean that you should indulge all her selfish whims, but it is necessary to learn to accept and respect even what seems insignificant and illogical. You will see how much happier she becomes if you don't neglect her.

If you don't know what to talk about on your first date with a man, don't panic. It is not surprising that people, feeling anxious when they meet, become lost and uncomfortable with the pauses that occur.

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Answers (8):

If he doesn’t like how you do, let him do everything himself, he would also compare you with his mother, how is it possible, he didn’t just marry you, so he should like everything that you do, I think you need to be serious talk, and not scandal and figure out what is the reason for such an attitude.

I get angry and start to freak out because he doesn't help me in any way around the house and never prepares food. But at the same time he points out and teaches me as a small child how, in general, one can be silent in such a situation.

I would never tolerate this, and I certainly would not be silent. Try to explain to him in a rather clear, harsh, even form that you are already a big girl and do not need to be taught wisdom all the time, and if your husband does not like the way you did something, let him do it better. Mine once also told me something similar, I answered him this way - that's it, since it cut off. If you don't like it, do it better and the conversation is over. But if you can't do it, be quiet.

In our family, there was an attempt to build relationships in such a way that there is an elder who teaches the younger, but I immediately said that I did not want to listen to any complaints about myself. If my husband is clever, I say, let him do as he sees fit - he is afraid of this, because he knows that he will not do it himself, and falls silent.

I would not tolerate, and would have expressed everything to him, or even better I would have told him not to follow me, but rather to look after himself, and finally screw in a light bulb (for example) !!! Why live in oppression all my life , so the whole life will pass with nagging !!! You live once! and this time in life you need to live with dignity, and not with a rag! In general, I heard that if a husband began to find fault with everything, then he has a mistress! Think about it! And do not be afraid of me yourself and life around!

Greetings Lady!

With you Olesya Chepinoga (Dmitruk)

And today we'll talk about

what to do if a man is trying to "impose" his opinion - how we should live, what to get carried away with and with whom to be friends .

In other words, when he annoys us with his advice and tries to correct us, and we feel about this only irritation and a desire to do, on the contrary - to evil.

And often the advice is appropriate. We ourselves understand that it will be better for us ... But instead of "listening" we come up with 1000 and 1 reasons why NO ... and we get angry, angry, angry ... After all, we perceive advice as criticism, and not a desire to help us.

As you know, I am a supporter of full responsibility for my life. After all, only with this approach can you influence events.

if it covers US with emotions, then US and deal with them.

You can observe yourself and notice that we are annoyed not only by the advice of our man, but also by the advice of our mother, as well as some friends. One gets the feeling that everyone around agreed to piss us off 🙂

But in fact, this is a bell for us from the Universe for the development of a new skill / quality / state that would allow us not to get annoyed. And when we develop THIS in ourselves, the situations will disappear or we will stop noticing them.

Olesya, what is the way out? What exactly should you do? Don't be tired! 🙂

First of all, it is good to answer the question: "What is it connected with that advice annoys you?" “What exactly makes you angry when someone imposes an opinion on you”?

Take a moment to read and listen to the answers. Just don't answer from your head. There are mostly stereotyped answers in my head. Trust your intuition. You can even close your eyes.

Happened?

I will now reveal the most common answer. If you have another one, write in the comments - we will discuss!

As a rule, when we hear advice, it seems to us that we are not understood. We feel that we are perceived as a little girl who is NOT ABLE to deal with her life on her own. And there is someone smart / adult who KNOWS BETTER.

And we are sure that we ourselves know MORE than others! And from other people's advice "tears us apart." After all, advice is proof that people do not notice our uniqueness and wisdom!

In addition, we often demonstrate our "wisdom" by helping our man and not only him with advice))

Lady, we should first of all see in people and in our Man a "mirror". And observe, so often we ourselves love to "teach life" without asking. And how often it seems to us that our man (girlfriends, mother) are not able to deal with their tasks.

If we observe such a habit, then we will be annoyed by other people's advice.

So,the first step to your inner peace - stop giving advice to your man and other people.

Thus, to pacify our ego from the conviction that we are better than others. Otherwise, we will run in a vicious circle, where we are "taught" and "taught" by us 🙂

The second step is to understand what we ourselves want from life.

And take the courage to live the way you want. When we have OUR clear position about our lifestyle and concrete actions in this direction, we become emotionally impenetrable to the advice of others.

Don't believe me? And you try to "reach out" to a person who confidently follows "his own path", clearly knowing what he wants 🙂 He will take advice like a fly flying by)) He is so busy with his questions that he would not even think of wasting time to impose their position on other people. Moreover, to listen to the recommendations of other people regarding yourself 🙂

The best way to find out the truth is to check it out! 🙂

From now on, watch yourself and how often you give advice / guidance to a man and other people. Try to stop yourself. And if you really want to direct a person on the right path, ask permission.

At the same time, think over what you want from life - what to do, to get carried away, with whom to communicate. And gradually realize your desires, regardless of the opinion of the environment.

The results will not be immediate. But they are inevitable! 🙂

Write about them in the comments too 🙂

Oh yes, you still have the opportunity to consult with me with an 80% discount. So sign up by following the link.

And with you was Olesya Chepinoga (Dmitruk)

With love and faith in you 🙂

Colleagues and other people with whom we are, in general, in formal relations, there is a lot of information. There are even whole lists of suitable phrases that can make communication easier in the office. But what if your loved ones criticize? For example, how to respond to constant attacks from your husband? We publish a question from a reader of a women's magazine and a detailed answer from a psychologist.

“I would like to know what you would do if your husband, like mine, constantly insisted that you are fat and that it worries him a lot? Since last year, when I turned 40, I gained 10 kg. I already listen to his attacks. "

There are two difficult problems here. On the one hand, the author of the question must make it clear to her husband that he does not want to listen to rudeness, that this is unacceptable. Nevertheless, she should be left open to discuss the topic of her weight and whatever, and express her willingness to continue the dialogue.

If I were in the shoes of the woman asking the question, I would start with something like, “It's hard for me to talk to you about my weight when you humiliate or insult me. But I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this matter. " I would ask him questions to learn more about his feelings and associations. What specifically worries him? Is he embarrassed for me? Does being overweight affect my sex appeal in his eyes? Or is he worried about my health? Were there fat people in the family where he grew up? How did he and other members of the household feel about them? I would express my sincere interest in his opinion, admitting that this may be a sensitive topic for both of us.

While I would not tolerate insults, I would try not to punish him for his honesty, because I do not want him to hide his true feelings and dissatisfaction. I would try to listen, not defend myself. Besides, I myself would be honest. I could say, "You know, my weight worries me too, and it's hard for me to fight it." Or: “This is how I understand why I gained weight now. What do you think about it?" Or: "This is my natural size, I feel comfortable."

But if my husband continued to criticize my weight or tell me that I am fat, I would demand that he stop. Perhaps I would have done it with ease and humor, adding a more serious explanation that his remarks hurt me and do not help anything. If I was going to lose weight, I would tell him exactly what he could do to support me, and which of his comments only make it difficult to accomplish this task.

If he continued his critical attacks, I would take the conversation to the next level. I would choose the moment when we are close and I am not at all angry. Then I could say, “I cannot understand something. I told you several times that it hurts me when you criticize my weight. Nevertheless, you continue to do this. Maybe the problem is that you don't believe me when I say that it hurts and is useless? Or is it just that you believe me and still do it? Help me figure it out. "

I would make him understand that although he has a right to his feelings, he should not express them to my detriment. I would be willing to talk to him about my weight if he approached me with compassion and respect. But if his criticisms are demeaning or unconstructive, I would draw a line and just not let him go any further.

A women's magazine recently interviewed me about how to respond to criticism. I have offered the following advice to those who have been targeted.

1. Listen carefully to the person criticizing you without planning your response.
2. Ask questions about anything you don't understand.
3. Avoid being defensive. Listen not to argue or disprove. Instead, listen to a piece of criticism you can agree with, even if it is mixed with exaggeration and inaccuracies.
4. Apologize in the first place for this part.
5. Never criticize someone who criticizes you. You need a moment to voice your grievances, but not when the other person has taken the initiative to voice their own grievances.
6. Keep calm. No need for a violent reaction, communicate with a person with restraint. Anxiety and emotional outbursts are the driving forces behind unproductive behaviors.
7. Report what you disagree with (“Here I disagree with you ...”), only after you are sure that you can do it without criticizing, blaming or humiliating criticism.
8. Stop unproductive conversation that is happening to your detriment. A great option is to say, “I need a little time to think about your words. Let's agree that we will discuss this another time. " Or: “I feel humiliated when you talk to me like that. You hurt my feelings. " Or, “Please, let's just keep one charge at a time. When you start remembering past sins or list them one by one, I turn off and cannot listen. "
9. Talk only about the really important things, and just omit the rest.
10. When you are dominated by strong emotions, remember the common truth: “It is not enough just to do something. We need to defend it! "

Why loved ones criticize us: 3 reasons

Nobody likes to be criticized, but there are many benefits to be derived from this problem. With experience, we can develop the ability to listen in a different way, ask questions, cope with emotions, take a step towards a loved one, and not from him. We learn to apologize for the piece of criticism we agree with and disagree with the other piece.

It is helpful to keep in mind that people tend to criticize us with no intent to harm. Rather, it is for the same reasons that we criticize them. They want to be helpful and help us improve. Or we have a trait that worries them and therefore affects our relationship, and they really need to talk about it.

Sometimes the reason for criticism from a loved one is in himself, and not in us. The person may be feeling anxious or having a bad day. In such circumstances, we should not take everything to heart and simply abstract from the negative assessment, instead of making it a problem.

It is more difficult if loved ones chronically focus critical attention on us, controlling or giving subjective assessments, like a husband bullying his wife's weight. We have already heard what they have to say, so the challenge is not to listen further. Rather, we should say, “Enough!” Without sweeping an important topic under the rug. We must demand that the partner loosen up and find another way to talk to us.