Said he sees the future with. This is all frivolous. Signs that a man is not planning a future with you

Question to the psychologist:

Good day!

We are dating a man for 7 months. The relationship is very intense, we spend a lot of time together. We go on trips, out of town (to his dacha), on vacation we walk with our sons (mine and his, they are the same age), together on holidays, birthdays, etc. I already know his parents, friends, brother. His mother is delighted with me. We are making joint plans for the next year regarding the vacation abroad, as well as the improvement of the dacha. I realized that a person suits me in everything. It's easy, calm, interesting, fun with him. "We look in one direction" (goals and plans are similar). By the way, we communicate every day (calls, correspondence, which are not devoid of tenderness). He will always ask how I got home, if we are not going together, how we slept, how was the day, etc. We meet three times a week, we can spend all weekends together. We do a lot together - we cook food, go shopping, do the cleaning, etc. I got feelings. And everything would be fine if not for the last conversation, which made me think. I did not deliberately conceive it, it so happened that in the process of our daily chatter, the topic of a joint future was touched upon, namely, as a husband and wife. And earlier in the conversations of my man it slipped that he no longer wants to marry. I thought that we will not meet for long, while there is nothing to worry about. Although he asked me how I feel about a civil marriage and whether the stamp in my passport is important for me. We also had time to discuss whether we still want to have children. This is the essence of our last conversation: my man is thinking about buying an apartment (I have my own apartment), and after the divorce he lives with his mother. Understandably, like any person, he is afraid to "get into" a mortgage and decided that while he does not live badly with his mother. In general, I am not rushing things, but I hinted to him that he would not live alone all his life. To which he agreed. Then he said that he was not going to marry anyway. I respect the opinion of my man, but I want to be a wife in the future, so I had a logical question - does he see his future with me (with the proviso that I do not mean now and do not rush things). And in the long run. To which my man thought, and then answered - with difficulty. I said that it is important for me to know that there is a prospect in our relationship, since I would like to have a family and a husband. To which he sounded such a phrase: "If you do not want to waste time, maybe you should look for someone who loves you. I have no craving for you." What exactly does he mean by the word DRIVE, he could not give an answer. He said that he was good with me, easy, simple, fun and nothing more. I didn't ask why and why we have been together for 7 months. She asked for time to think it over. While I think my man behaves as before - nice, affectionate, friendly, writes, calls, etc. What gentlemen, experts say in this situation? I already had a similar experience, I waited, tried and left. In this situation, the relationship is of a completely different nature, and I don't know if it's just his marriage, or really I'm not the woman of his dreams. Really looking forward to the answer. Although, as an adult, I understand that the same rake is possible again ...

The question is answered by the psychologist Platonova Olga Valerievna.

Svetlana, hello! There is such a tendency, you probably heard that an official marriage loses some value, and not only for men. More important is the relationship, what happens between a man and a woman: communication, sex, joint leisure, interests, plans, comfort, etc. Together should be good and comfortable. So, the question is, why do you need a man who, in fact, openly speaks about his attitude towards you in the phrase "there is no craving." If a couple is doing well in their relationship, the issue of marriage does not arise sharply: it is necessary (conveniently) - they will sign. And if marriage (registration of relations) is more primary, while the relationship itself is "muddy", it is possible to "persuade" it, but is such a marriage necessary? You risk taking on all the family and everyday issues - the classics of the genre (especially since it is convenient for an adult man to live with his mother, and not on his own).

It is not a problem for an independent man to formalize a marriage (if anything, now it is not a problem to dissolve a marriage, even the presence of children does not stop in a number of cases, which means that putting a signature is not a problem, the main thing is a relationship).

And, you clearly have a difference in goals: you need a family, he does not, or not with you. There are such concepts as short-term and long-term relationships (long-term relationships - marriage).

7 months is not a lot to draw disappointing conclusions for further relationships, but also not a little to understand the guidelines of a partner.

The other day I was asked a question, as they say, "for filling." And it sounded like this: "How to convince a girl to stay if she decided that your relationship has no future."

Frankly, I'm already used to solving non-standard problems. But then I was puzzled.

In life, many of us have faced situations when it was clear that another romance would soon end in failure. However, they were playing for time, not daring to tell their passion: "Enough, let's disperse!" Although it would be worthwhile to leave immediately, so as not to reassure the girl in vain and give yourself a chance to find the one that really suits you and will be loved, desired, seriously and for a long time.

But you patiently waited for the agony in the hope that you would not have to be the culprit for the parting, and everything would somehow resolve itself.

But what if it was not you who suddenly decided to end the relationship, but she? Yes - yes, the girl decided to leave and stated this harshly and categorically. And you, for a minute, still love her and clearly realize that this story should not have an end. At least so dull.

And the first thought that covers you like a storm wave: “Why doesn't the girl want to date me? Everything was so good. "

There is no need to guess on the coffee grounds. Most likely, you will find the reason among the 7 most common reasons for breaking up in such situations. I'll talk about them in more detail below.

Why doesn't the girl see a future in her relationship with you?

The first reason. She cannot forgive past wrongs. Although the events themselves, which caused them for a long time, "overgrown with burdocks", but she is haunted. And since he cannot forgive you in any way, then he does not see the point of staying close.

The second reason. Dependent relationship. She herself created them, subordinating the whole rhythm of her life, habits and interests to your decisions. And then she began to expect the same sacrifice from you. And did not wait ...

The third reason. High expectations. Your girlfriend has dreamed of the notorious prince on a white horse for too long. But you never became one, and the horse did not happen on the farm. So she decided to be disappointed in you, and not in her fabulous ideas about true love.

The fourth reason. Fear of loneliness. The girl began dating you not because of great feelings, but because after the previous romance it was necessary to "wait out" in a quiet haven. So you turned out to be the very harbor. And she healed her mental wounds and went on ... without you.

The fifth reason. One gate play. This happens when someone alone takes all the responsibility, care and work on the relationship on himself. And the other is just capricious and requires love and attention. And then he decides to disappear altogether, because you disliked, misunderstood and in general ...

The sixth reason. Mistrust. Either you were dishonest with her, or she herself decided too much. But the result is one - I left, because I could no longer believe your words and deeds.

The seventh reason. On serious relationship there was no time. Each of you was too passionate about your work, friends, training, banal "hanging" in social networks. And the relationship, meanwhile, faded like flowers left without water and light in a dark corner.

I want to return my ex-girlfriend -

you wake up every morning with this thought, but you cannot find a solution. And you can't leave everything as it is either. Because you love her and want only one thing - to be together, even if for this you have to make sacrifices and reconsider something in your own behavior.

What can I advise? Stop stewing in the cauldron of your own thoughts and emotions. It's time for a professional. Suffering will not help the cause, but good advice received on time, you can correct what yesterday seemed like an impossible task to you. But not every piece of advice is good.

I've long decided for myself that in matters of love I will only consult with In my eyes, through his training and consultations, so many people have passed - do not tell! I haven’t seen the dissatisfied, but happy couples who came to thank for the help - a lot.

Therefore, if you really decided that without your beloved, the light is not nice to you, feel free to contact Danil. You, of course, have to work hard. But with his help, reconciliation and proving that with you, oh, what a future is possible, will go like clockwork!

I ask you to help me understand the current situation.
I am 28 years old, he is 25. He has a wife and two children. A year and a half ago we started dating. It happened unexpectedly for both of us, because and I had a man with whom we lived, and he has a family and 2 children, the youngest of which is 2 years old. Somehow it turned out that despite the presence of a family, we began a vivid relationship based on understanding each other. I left the man with whom I lived, and he was going to leave his wife. This went on for more than six months. He told me that he talked to his wife, that his whole family was aware that he had made a decision to be with me. But, as it turned out, it was all not true .. The truth was revealed by chance, his mother came (who is completely on the side of his wife and only supports her, saying that she doesn't care who her son will be with, the main thing is her grandchildren. she will not allow the family to break up, because of the children) told the whole truth that his wife was not even aware that he wanted to leave. Although we were together every day, every night he slept with me, telling her that he was at work ..
We got through this situation, promising each other not to lie in our relationship.
The matter did not go to divorce, more precisely, there were only conversations that they say yes, let's go and that's it. A few months later, there was a quarrel about this, he returned to his wife, after saying that it was solely for the children to grow up in a complete family, as everyone wanted. His parents put pressure on him, his wife began to manipulate the children, in general there was a very tense situation.
Less than 10 days later, he returned, asked for forgiveness, said that he did not know what to do, he could not be with her, but thought only of me. We began to be together again, he moved all his things from his wife, everything seemed to be getting better, as a similar situation is happening. This happened several times .. only then he did not return to her, but simply lived with friends. He says that he does not know what is happening to him, he does not know why he is doing this, why he is leaving ... he says that he is tired of this situation, that he is being pressed from all sides, that he does not see the future between us, as his relatives all say, that in six months we will part. But at the same time he cannot live without me.
Now we are in such a period that we must find some way out of this situation .. We are not together, but without each other it is very bad. For my part, I can say that everything that I forgave him, I forgave sincerely. I wanted and want to see this man in my life, to see him as my husband, my family. The problem is how we can solve this problem, so that he has confidence in my feelings, that he can have "tomorrow", that we are good together and we will cope with all the problems.
They never divorced, they went to submit documents, but because of the children, this is a long procedure, then the passport suddenly disappeared and everything drags on ..
I ask you to help me find a way out of this situation ..
Thank you in advance.

What if I don't see a future with a guy? But he gives me such emotions that I have never experienced. Maybe just be happy while you can?

Awareness of reality and the absence of rose-colored glasses in your situation pleases. Most likely, hormones say in you, sooner or later, your feelings will come to naught at all, and you may be disappointed in a person. Remember whoever leaves first wins.

Good luck to you!

You can, but if you do not see the future with him, then the maximum you will experience feelings, emotions, have a nice time. But a small doubt will always buzz in your head, the guy made you happy with something, you will think "He is the best, I love him so much! But ...", you will subconsciously compare him with others and look for someone with whom you are the future see. What if you find one while in a relationship with your current boyfriend? I had absolutely the same situation and it didn't end well. Yes, there were pleasant, joyful moments, but later my selfishness and inexperience caused suffering for both the guy and me. This gave me an excellent life lesson in terms of the fact that when making any choice, you need to be responsible for it. You wrote “Maybe just be happy while it’s possible?” Yes, you have the right to do so, but remember about the future, about the fact that you may have to hurt a person by saying “no” when everything goes too far. I wish you good luck and love!

what you dreamed about before is happening now, then more, appreciate and rejoice, dance and sing)

Why are you so sure that there is no future? no one knows how our lives will turn out, including we ourselves cannot know. do you feel good with him? so enjoy the moment. you are happy, do not invent problems for yourself.

Why can't you see a future with him? Does he have no goal, prospects, desire to strive for something? Or is it something else? I think that if you are planning a serious relationship with a person, making plans for the future, then you must definitely include your mind, you cannot be guided only by feelings. You should have the same goals, outlook on life, plans, etc. But at the same time, if you feel good with a person, you experience vivid emotions with him, why not just allow yourself to be happy and enjoy the moment? Do you love him? And he you? How does he feel about you? Have you talked to him about your future? If the person is serious about you, loves you, cares about you and treats you well, I think it is worth talking to him openly, letting him know what is bothering you. If this is due to some of his personal qualities, make it clear that he needs to change something in himself so that you can imagine yourself with him in the future. Great love and happiness to you!

It depends on what exactly you yourself want from this relationship. Don't see a future with him? So it will not be. But the "emotional swing" mode will eventually bore you and want something calmer and more harmonious. In the meantime, if you are happy, then why not? But keep in mind that it will be very difficult to tear yourself away from the person who gives you such emotions. Roughly speaking, you will "get hooked" on it, and this will already be an addiction from which it will be difficult to get out.

Exactly. Just be happy as long as possible and as long as possible. You will always have time to part. So why or for what reason to deprive yourself of those emotions, most likely positive, if you can enjoy them. And then, in life, everything sometimes changes so much that today you do not see the future with him, but after a while, maybe you will. Do not hurry. Enjoy those feelings and emotions that are, and then it will be seen whether you have a future or not. Just have fun.

You can just be happy while you can, if the absence of a future does not bother you. And when you want the future and the present will not suit you without it, then decide.

You see a question that was asked to the Universe by one of the users of the site, and the answers to it.

The answer is either people who are very similar to you, or your complete opposites.
Our project was conceived as a way psychological development and growth, where you can ask the "similar" for advice and learn from the "very different" things you don't know or have tried.

Do you want to ask the Universe about something important to you?

The truth is they say that love is blind. In life, you can be sane and attentive to little things, but once you meet an amazing guy, these qualities disappear somewhere. Yes, and not up to them now, right there it is - hormones are raging, dreams are blooming in lush color! Some girls come to their senses only after a year or two, when a loved one suddenly says: "I do not see a future with you." But the fact that the relationship is doomed could be guessed from the very beginning. Here are some very clear signs.

He doesn't call you his

“It is very revealing how a young man introduces you to other people,” says Svetlana Boyarinova, family psychologist and author of the book “Destination is Love. How to find the man of your dreams" . - The phrases "my girlfriend", "my beloved" emphasize belonging. But if it's just 'my Masha' or 'my friend', then he doesn't consider you an important part of his life. " Maybe not yet? No, don't be under any illusion. Men from the very first days understand how they will treat a woman in the future: as the one they have been looking for all their lives, or as a backup option.

Three months is enough to understand where you are - in the center of a man's universe or at its periphery. In the latter case, he sees no reason to introduce you to his social circle. You never know, you will disperse soon! Therefore, you will most likely see his friends only in passing and by chance, to corporate parties and events involving a companion, he will go without you (although not the fact that he is alone). And if your mother calls during your date, she will answer her as if there were only one: “I’m having dinner, then I’ll probably watch a movie”. He doesn't want her to ask him uncomfortable questions, otherwise he will have to introduce him!

He decides everything without you

“In a serious, healthy relationship, both prioritize their partners first,” explains the psychologist. - It means not only to choose in favor of a loved one when it comes on the fundamental points, but also to make decisions jointly ”. Does your man consult with you on how to spend his free time, or does he just say "I'll see you on Tuesday"? Calls to warn about an urgent departure ("Grandma is sick, I need to visit. I will miss you!"), Or writes a laconic text message "I'm leaving for 3 days"?

Time, attention, money - if a man is not ready to share this for you, then you do not mean too much to him. Only people you really appreciate can write cute SMS and help with the move. For everyone else, the answer is usually the simplest: "You know, I'm so busy ... But I'm sure you can handle it quickly and without me!"

He says he has no plans to get married

“It happens that two meet for a long time, but they will not become a family,” says Svetlana Boyarinova. - To understand that a loved one does not see you in the role of a wife, you can only from his words. Indirect signs there is no". For example, at the wedding of mutual friends to the caring "Well, when did you?" he laughs it off or says something like "Yes, we still need to see the whole world!" Or mumbles something unintelligible in response to your direct questions: “What are your plans for the next five years? How do you see the development of our relations? " Yes, perhaps he is not, in principle, ready for marriage yet. But more often than not, the reason is different - he is not ready for marriage with you. Surprisingly, but true: when a man meets the woman of his dreams, he does not hesitate to offer. So if you suspect that you will never move on to the next stage of the relationship, think about whether it's time for you to find the guy for whom you will be the very girl.

Text: Olga Lisovets